tkingsley

Hello everyone,

My name is Mike and I've been doing a lot of reading lately about alcoholism looking for help and advice. Although I lived with an alcoholic mother for the first 12 years of my life off and on I find that now as an adult I am mostly completely unprepared to deal with alcoholism. Thankfully when I was young my life situation was drastically changed for the better and I have no desire to drink with any regularity (in the last 14 months I've had 6 and 1/2 glasses of wine).

What brings me here now is a woman that I've fallen in love with. I met her last year only briefly through a mutual friend. Fast forward 8 months and I came back to town and ended up spending a couple of months getting to know her more. During this time I knew she had a reputation as a heavy drinker (where we are it's pretty much par for the course with over half the population being what I would consider 'functional alcoholics'). Because of how much she drank I wasn't entertaining any ideas of a relationship with her. She was just a friend. From what some of her friends who have known her longer told me, she had toned down the drinking substantially in the last couple of years.

Well, long story short, we ended up becoming VERY close over the last 6 months and I'm now in a place where I could see a rewarding long term relationship. In the last three weeks (we have been apart for a while and are now living in the same place going on three weeks) I have only seen her 'drunk' twice. She does drink semi-regularly, though not every day and usually not very much. I have never heard her make any comments about going out to get drunk and both times she did get drunk she would call me crying and ask me to come over. When I would come over to check on her she would confess that she was drunk and ashamed of herself. She knows that she has struggled with drinking for years now and admits that she has been doing much better (so much better in the last 6 months that people in the community are noticing her decreased drinking). However there are times (only twice that I know of) that she 'makes a mistake and gets drunk.' The first time it happened she talked a lot about how much better she felt all the time when she didn't drink too much and that when I was with her, she didn't want to get 'drunk' around me. I asked her if she wanted help or if I could do anything for her and she said that just being around helped her. Because I am a little hesitant to get too involved (we aren't dating and right now are just really close, though dating is a possibility we have talked about) and do not want to 'force' her to change (which can only lead to trouble and heartache) I thought that just being around was the best help I could give her.

Fast forward to a week and a half later and she's crying on the phone again. I go over to her place and she is obviously drunk. We sit down on the couch and she begins to talk and let a lot of stuff out about how ashamed she is and how good she was doing before she 'messed up.' We talked for a very long time and over the course of our conversations I realized exactly how un-prepared I am for all of this. She said she wanted me to help her and the next day (as well as twice more that week) she re-affirmed, while sober, that she would like help. Unfortunately I have purposely avoided alcohol and alcoholism because of my history as a child with an alcoholic mother. I find myself at a disadvantage now in that she has already started down the road and has done very well; but now she has asked me for support and I'm not sure how to give it to her. Although I am interested in dating her eventually right now I just need to be able to support her in the way that will be most beneficial.

Any and all help is greatly appreciated!
(and thanks for taking the time to read my long rambling post)

Sincerely,
Mike

Anna

Hi Mike,

Welcome!

I hope that your friend gets the help that she needs, but to do that she needs to accept that she is an alcoholic and cannot control or moderate her drinking. Most of us here have tried to do that and it doesn't work. In fact, things generally worsen over time. Alcoholism is a progressive disease and it will get worse unless she stops drinking.

For you, you can find support here on the message boards and at AlAnon if you like.

It's good that you are offering her your support, but she needs to take action.

This is just my opinion, but I don't think that rushing over to comfort her when she is drunk is going to help. She needs to take action to help herself.

I wish you both well!

nandm

to SR

Dee74

Hi Mike

I agree wholeheartedly with Anna. Having been in your friends shoes, she needs to accept the problem and take action herself.

I think you need to look out for yourself too - you'll find a lot of support here and in our Family and Friends section too

Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

Welcome to SR

D

Fandy

I agree with Anna, she needs to help herself....and she turns to you calling you when drunk is a real turn-off....wow, everyone notices that she has "toned down" her drinking???? sounds like she was the town lush?

I'm sure she is a nice woman, but she needs to come to terms with HER problem without dragging you into her drunken drama.....have you and she had a few sober MONTHS together?.

I wouldn't advise you getting too close to this person as they have a lot of internal work to do and she is leaning on you too much...Needy is not good.

best of luck with your decision, but i think you are opening up a big can of worms by running to "rescue" her everytime she does the drunk dialing.

OklaBH

You are one hell of a guy! She is very lucky to have you in her life! God bless you both.