Today is a New Day
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 3
Today is a New Day
Last night was rough. Waking up this morning was even harder. I have decided today that it is time to close a very dangerous and dark chapter in my life. I am deciding today that enough is enough. It's time to get sober.
I'm only 25 and I have been drinking since I was 14. I don't know when I lost control. It just happened. That has always been my excuse, "I don't know how, it just happened." my excuse for blacking out, going into rages, embarrassing myself, putting myself in dangerous situations. 'I don't know how, it just happened." But the reality is, I do know how. I got drunk.
Last night I had a white-out. I ended up throwing plates at my husband and overturning a futon. I am so embarrassed that it happened, I haven't even looked at him all day. It's not the first time I've gone into a rage like that. But last night was different. I didn't black out before going to bed. I somehow snapped out of it in time to look around and see the devastation. I was shocked at what had happened. And then I panicked because I realized that that is what my husband has been experiencing for 5 years. It hit me that I was jeopardizing the best thing that has ever happened to me. I didn't sleep a wink.
Today at work I took one of those "How to tell if your an alcoholic" quizzes. It's the first test I've ever taken that I hoped I failed. But I didn't. I got 60% of the answers right. It told me I am a high-risk drinker. I need to get my alcohol consumption under control. But I've tried that before. The last time that my husband relived the night before for me in which I passed out at dinner in front of a couple we had just met I told him that I was going to change. That I was going to consume responsibly and pace myself. But then one glass of wine turns into 2 and then into shots and then more shots and before I know it, I'm throwing plates at my husband. The man that tells me he loves me more than anything in the whole world. The man that can make me smile when I'm at my lowest. The man that is always there for me. I am pushing him away with my drinking. At this point I just can't afford to take that risk any longer.
My father had white-outs caused from drinking. That's the other big reason that I realize this behavior has gone too far. I will do anything to be better than he was to me.
I made a whole list of reasons why I needed to quit. Came up with 11. I'm sure there are even more....
For my physical health.
For my physical appearance.
For my pride.
For my husband's sanity.
For my own sanity.
To save money.
To live a more wholesome life.
To control my rage.
To remember happenings in my life.
To gain control.
To be better than my father.
I also came up with another list.
Bad Things I've Done While Under the Influence
I'm going to keep that one to myself because I am a proud person but I am not proud of all the things on it. There are 23 things on that list and some of the items have happened far more than just once. I'm ashamed of that list and of myself and my behavior. I am now choosing to be ashamed no more. I am choosing to be stronger than my addiction. I am choosing to find other ways to deal with my depression.
So where do I begin? My husband drinks. My friends drink. We just moved to a new town and I only know one way to meet people: to go out drinking. I love to be social and live the night life. So what now? I want to give up this bad behavior and no longer suffer the consequences, but I am not sure I am ready to change my whole life.
I await my first true test: making dinner this evening without a glass (or 3) of wine.
Any support or encouragement is appreciated.
I'm only 25 and I have been drinking since I was 14. I don't know when I lost control. It just happened. That has always been my excuse, "I don't know how, it just happened." my excuse for blacking out, going into rages, embarrassing myself, putting myself in dangerous situations. 'I don't know how, it just happened." But the reality is, I do know how. I got drunk.
Last night I had a white-out. I ended up throwing plates at my husband and overturning a futon. I am so embarrassed that it happened, I haven't even looked at him all day. It's not the first time I've gone into a rage like that. But last night was different. I didn't black out before going to bed. I somehow snapped out of it in time to look around and see the devastation. I was shocked at what had happened. And then I panicked because I realized that that is what my husband has been experiencing for 5 years. It hit me that I was jeopardizing the best thing that has ever happened to me. I didn't sleep a wink.
Today at work I took one of those "How to tell if your an alcoholic" quizzes. It's the first test I've ever taken that I hoped I failed. But I didn't. I got 60% of the answers right. It told me I am a high-risk drinker. I need to get my alcohol consumption under control. But I've tried that before. The last time that my husband relived the night before for me in which I passed out at dinner in front of a couple we had just met I told him that I was going to change. That I was going to consume responsibly and pace myself. But then one glass of wine turns into 2 and then into shots and then more shots and before I know it, I'm throwing plates at my husband. The man that tells me he loves me more than anything in the whole world. The man that can make me smile when I'm at my lowest. The man that is always there for me. I am pushing him away with my drinking. At this point I just can't afford to take that risk any longer.
My father had white-outs caused from drinking. That's the other big reason that I realize this behavior has gone too far. I will do anything to be better than he was to me.
I made a whole list of reasons why I needed to quit. Came up with 11. I'm sure there are even more....
For my physical health.
For my physical appearance.
For my pride.
For my husband's sanity.
For my own sanity.
To save money.
To live a more wholesome life.
To control my rage.
To remember happenings in my life.
To gain control.
To be better than my father.
I also came up with another list.
Bad Things I've Done While Under the Influence
I'm going to keep that one to myself because I am a proud person but I am not proud of all the things on it. There are 23 things on that list and some of the items have happened far more than just once. I'm ashamed of that list and of myself and my behavior. I am now choosing to be ashamed no more. I am choosing to be stronger than my addiction. I am choosing to find other ways to deal with my depression.
So where do I begin? My husband drinks. My friends drink. We just moved to a new town and I only know one way to meet people: to go out drinking. I love to be social and live the night life. So what now? I want to give up this bad behavior and no longer suffer the consequences, but I am not sure I am ready to change my whole life.
I await my first true test: making dinner this evening without a glass (or 3) of wine.
Any support or encouragement is appreciated.
perpetual optimist
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Montana
Posts: 2,959
Awww sweetie. It will be ok, I know every line of your post........can't help but chuckle a bit about the plates.......hee hee. Sometimes our other halves deserve it! 
Take care of you, I am in the same war, maybe worse..............keep on trying sweetheart..........hugs to you.
Take care of you, I am in the same war, maybe worse..............keep on trying sweetheart..........hugs to you.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,445
Hi BellaLu
Welcome.
I think your story is familiar to a lot of us. I remember many mornings of not being able to look people in the eye.
You're right - there's no getting our drinking under control for folks like us.
We passed that point many miles, and years, ago.
My life is immeasurably better since I gave up alcohol - it was tough to begin with, but I haven't regretted the decision
I really urge you to speak with your doctor too - detox can sometimes be problematic for some of us - getting some professional advice is the responsible thing to do
You'll find a lot of support here - welcome!
D
Welcome.
I think your story is familiar to a lot of us. I remember many mornings of not being able to look people in the eye.
You're right - there's no getting our drinking under control for folks like us.
We passed that point many miles, and years, ago.
My life is immeasurably better since I gave up alcohol - it was tough to begin with, but I haven't regretted the decision
I really urge you to speak with your doctor too - detox can sometimes be problematic for some of us - getting some professional advice is the responsible thing to do
You'll find a lot of support here - welcome!
D
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 426
You have come to one of the right places if you want some great advice and talk with people who have walked that path. Step one.....decide what YOU want really. If you have an addiction as you stated, you can not moderate, it will only take you back.
Welcome.
Welcome.
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,784
Welcome to SR. You'll find a lot of support and useful information here. I'm glad you want to give up drinking. It's a risky business and only causes us trouble. I've been living sober for nearly 15 months now and it really rocks.
You'll find a lot of support and useful information here. I'm glad you want to give up drinking. It's a risky business and only causes us trouble. I've been living sober for nearly 15 months now and it really rocks. Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: I'm exactly where I should be.
Posts: 1,889
I know exactly where you are coming from...my husband and I are recently separated (6 months and I wasn't even drinking when we split) but I remember many times that I really did stupid things in the past. It hurts everyone involved especially is you have children.
But right now you can't dwell on regret and shame...you need to find yourself and be strong. We never forget what we did but we can't let it consume our minds. Move on...
I totally know how you will feel without drinking a few glasses of wine while making dinner. LOL I used to have a few before making dinner, making dinner, with dinner, cleaning up after dinner....you'll be fine...try ice water & lemon.
People consume alcohol, alcohol consumes people.
But right now you can't dwell on regret and shame...you need to find yourself and be strong. We never forget what we did but we can't let it consume our minds. Move on...
I totally know how you will feel without drinking a few glasses of wine while making dinner. LOL I used to have a few before making dinner, making dinner, with dinner, cleaning up after dinner....you'll be fine...try ice water & lemon.
People consume alcohol, alcohol consumes people.
SR Fan
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Mississippi
Posts: 7,910
Hi Bella and welcome to SR - This is a baffling disease..... even with all the reason/consequences in plain sight, we choose to pick up that drink. After that, all bets are off.
I'm glad you're reaching out for help (not easy)..... I found it impossible to quit on my own, and I suspect most others here had the same experience. There are lots of options out there: AA, SMART Recovery, Inpatient, Outpatient, Addiction Counseling, this forum, etc...... Gather as much support as you can and make your sobriety #1.
You deserve a better life.....
I'm glad you're reaching out for help (not easy)..... I found it impossible to quit on my own, and I suspect most others here had the same experience. There are lots of options out there: AA, SMART Recovery, Inpatient, Outpatient, Addiction Counseling, this forum, etc...... Gather as much support as you can and make your sobriety #1.
You deserve a better life.....
Member
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Sydney
Posts: 168
Wow, you sound so much like me that it's scary. It horrifies me to think of how much I love my husband yet how quickly I can turn on him when drunk. You are not alone.
I have recently relapsed. About a year ago I started to get serious about sobriety. Previous to that I was drinking most days. My ritual was to pour wine when I got home from work to help deal with domestic tasks. I lived for that time of day. I cut out the daily drinking when I moved in with my (now) husband. My problem is now relapsing after a week or two of sobriety and having a binge. But honestly when I was drinking everyday I could not imagine being able to not drink wine in the evening. I thought is was impossible to cook dinner without a bottle of wine. But any habit can be broken. You just need to force yourself to do it a few times till it becomes normal. Now when I cook dinner I have a decaf coffee (I am saving up for a proper espresso machine). I very rarely think of having a glass of wine but I did at first. I promise you you can do it. Another example - I went to a big rock festival last year and didn't drink. I was very conscious of it but I have been to a few more since and now sobriety at these events seem normal. It's just getting past the first few times.
I also have a list of shame. I think I could attribute almost every bad thing that has ever happened to me to booze. And one of my secret fears is that I will never have a wild crazy night out again. But my drunken nights are crazy - scary crazy. My last date with my husband was great, yummy food followed by elaborate coffee drinks at a nice cafe with great conversation. Two nights previous I had gotten trashed and told him I wanted a divorce. not much fun for anyone.
I have recently relapsed. About a year ago I started to get serious about sobriety. Previous to that I was drinking most days. My ritual was to pour wine when I got home from work to help deal with domestic tasks. I lived for that time of day. I cut out the daily drinking when I moved in with my (now) husband. My problem is now relapsing after a week or two of sobriety and having a binge. But honestly when I was drinking everyday I could not imagine being able to not drink wine in the evening. I thought is was impossible to cook dinner without a bottle of wine. But any habit can be broken. You just need to force yourself to do it a few times till it becomes normal. Now when I cook dinner I have a decaf coffee (I am saving up for a proper espresso machine). I very rarely think of having a glass of wine but I did at first. I promise you you can do it. Another example - I went to a big rock festival last year and didn't drink. I was very conscious of it but I have been to a few more since and now sobriety at these events seem normal. It's just getting past the first few times.
I also have a list of shame. I think I could attribute almost every bad thing that has ever happened to me to booze. And one of my secret fears is that I will never have a wild crazy night out again. But my drunken nights are crazy - scary crazy. My last date with my husband was great, yummy food followed by elaborate coffee drinks at a nice cafe with great conversation. Two nights previous I had gotten trashed and told him I wanted a divorce. not much fun for anyone.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Indiana
Posts: 19
bellalu, i am also young at 26 and started at a young age. i think the important thing to realize here is that since we are younger, we can save our lives and enjoy more of them by realizing and making the change NOW. i'm glad that you are here.
ozgirl, it inspires me that you went to a festival last year and stayed sober. that is one of my goals. i am so in love with music, but have for so long associated being schwasted with going to concerts. i am sure it will take a while, but my goal is to be able to go to concerts and festivals sober.
ozgirl, it inspires me that you went to a festival last year and stayed sober. that is one of my goals. i am so in love with music, but have for so long associated being schwasted with going to concerts. i am sure it will take a while, but my goal is to be able to go to concerts and festivals sober.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: NJ
Posts: 20,458
welcome and congrats on your decision. I think you are doing the right thing, before you can lose so much and have a longer, harder road.
you will need to have a plan to change your habits...both short-term go-to actions and long term.
you will need to have a plan to change your habits...both short-term go-to actions and long term.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 3
Thank you to everyone who is giving me such encouraging support. What a wonderful resource to have. And how reassuring to know that I am not alone. Today was an even better day. I woke up and felt alive. I couldn't wait to read all your stories and to gain the realization that I can do this, as all of you are doing. Thank you, thank you, thank you...from the bottom of my heart.
Oh, and last night I made dinner for the next three nights as I sipped on my water with lemon (TY EmeraldRose) so that I could go to the gym after work the next two nights instead of being in the kitchen. Baby steps to break my routine. And I'll be pouring out the open bottle of wine in the fridge...in front of my husband.
Oh, and last night I made dinner for the next three nights as I sipped on my water with lemon (TY EmeraldRose) so that I could go to the gym after work the next two nights instead of being in the kitchen. Baby steps to break my routine. And I'll be pouring out the open bottle of wine in the fridge...in front of my husband.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 3
Originally Posted by Ozgirl 
Another example - I went to a big rock festival last year and didn't drink. I was very conscious of it but I have been to a few more since and now sobriety at these events seem normal. It's just getting past the first few times.
Can I ask how you were able to do this the first time? I had planned on going to Hangout Fest this May and I am close to canceling just because I don't want to be tempted. I have never been to a festival sober and I know the people I am going with will not be, but I have been looking forward to going for almost a year and I already have my tickets. I am debating in my head that the beach would be good for me, but I don't know if it's the right thing to do.
Any advice would be so appreciated.
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