No reservations.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Washington State
Posts: 14
No reservations.
I will start by saying that today I have 30 days. Honestly, this is the best 30 days I have ever had. And the longest. I have had clean time in the past, but whether it was 30 days or 6 months, I knew eventually that I was going to use again.
I am 23 years old, and was a hardcore oxycontin user for 6 years. I was in a relationship the entire time... well on and off. Love may have existed for a short period of time, but I realize now that it was more convenient than anything else. I'm sure the fact that he made beaucoup bucks, and did twice as much in beans was a huge factor! Also, the fact that it was easy to get wrapped up when it was socially accepted to be an alcoholic or drug addict in his family and surroundings. I became quite the professional addict.
And then I got pregnant, and actually wanted to go through with it. Even knowing that, I still used throughout my pregnancy. I knew what I was doing was wrong, but with my addict mind still intact there was no way that I was going to stop completely. And in my opinion there is no moderation when you are an addict. I eventually had my baby, ended up getting "voluntarily" involved with CPS to avoid any issues, was clean for about 3 months only because I had to be ... and every day my son's father would come home high as a kite. My attitude was "if you can't beat em' join em'" and that went on for a time until we lost our place, everything we owned because it was all pawned or sold...
I also had caught a theft charge and, being inexperienced in that area, I thought I was going to jail and decided to take what I thought was the easy way out and went into IOP and moved into a clean and sober house. Talk about reservations! I played the program, and didn't once try to WORK it. Went to meetings, and got my slip signed... but if I wasn't staring at the basket to come my way I was staring at the clock to see when the hell this **** would be over. Finally I moved out only to move back in with my son's father's family. That was the day after I used again. I played his family into thinking I had changed. Eventually I started dealing and using so bad, got back with my on again/off again s/o just so he would buy my product and I wouldn't have to dip in. And that was what went on the entire summer.
Soon came the situation my mom feared: she got the phonecall that I had been hospitalized. I had a grand mal seizure. It lasted well over 40 minutes, and I didn't seize like normal people... I was described as the girl in the Exorcist. Screaming, vomiting, my body contracting. I shouldn't be alive today. I shouldn't be coherent... I should be a vegetable. I woke up and had temporary amnesia... didn't know who I was, I couldn't talk, knew I had a baby but didn't know if it was a boy or a girl or what happened to it... for about 5 hours I didn't have anyone come in or accept calls because I told the staff that I had no family. After I left the hospital less than 24 hrs later, I was using within 20 minutes. I was grateful for my baby not being with me, that is for sure. But I didn't care about anything. Especially not my life.
Deep down I knew it was time for it all to stop. I knew that I wasn't going to be able to do it on my own. That was when I decided to go to In-Patient for the first time, and it took a lot for me to get to that decision. Now when I think about it, I never used to blame God for the wrongs in my life. When I wasn't asking Him to give me strength, I was asking Him to take my life. I wanted to die every day. I dreaded going to sleep and waking up to face another day. I was given another chance to LIVE, because he clearly was not going to let me go that easy. Going to In-Patient was the best choice I've ever made. The meetings I went to while I was there were the best that I've ever gone to, and there is no meeting like the one you got sober in. Even though I have hit plenty of bumps in the road, I know God is telling me that it is not going to be THAT easy. I don't want to use today. I love my life today. I love my son so much and am so fortunate to still have him in my life because others, I have learned, are not so fortunate. I can make a difference today.
I work the program, and I love it.
Anyway... there's my novel. Glad to have found this site.
I am 23 years old, and was a hardcore oxycontin user for 6 years. I was in a relationship the entire time... well on and off. Love may have existed for a short period of time, but I realize now that it was more convenient than anything else. I'm sure the fact that he made beaucoup bucks, and did twice as much in beans was a huge factor! Also, the fact that it was easy to get wrapped up when it was socially accepted to be an alcoholic or drug addict in his family and surroundings. I became quite the professional addict.
And then I got pregnant, and actually wanted to go through with it. Even knowing that, I still used throughout my pregnancy. I knew what I was doing was wrong, but with my addict mind still intact there was no way that I was going to stop completely. And in my opinion there is no moderation when you are an addict. I eventually had my baby, ended up getting "voluntarily" involved with CPS to avoid any issues, was clean for about 3 months only because I had to be ... and every day my son's father would come home high as a kite. My attitude was "if you can't beat em' join em'" and that went on for a time until we lost our place, everything we owned because it was all pawned or sold...
I also had caught a theft charge and, being inexperienced in that area, I thought I was going to jail and decided to take what I thought was the easy way out and went into IOP and moved into a clean and sober house. Talk about reservations! I played the program, and didn't once try to WORK it. Went to meetings, and got my slip signed... but if I wasn't staring at the basket to come my way I was staring at the clock to see when the hell this **** would be over. Finally I moved out only to move back in with my son's father's family. That was the day after I used again. I played his family into thinking I had changed. Eventually I started dealing and using so bad, got back with my on again/off again s/o just so he would buy my product and I wouldn't have to dip in. And that was what went on the entire summer.
Soon came the situation my mom feared: she got the phonecall that I had been hospitalized. I had a grand mal seizure. It lasted well over 40 minutes, and I didn't seize like normal people... I was described as the girl in the Exorcist. Screaming, vomiting, my body contracting. I shouldn't be alive today. I shouldn't be coherent... I should be a vegetable. I woke up and had temporary amnesia... didn't know who I was, I couldn't talk, knew I had a baby but didn't know if it was a boy or a girl or what happened to it... for about 5 hours I didn't have anyone come in or accept calls because I told the staff that I had no family. After I left the hospital less than 24 hrs later, I was using within 20 minutes. I was grateful for my baby not being with me, that is for sure. But I didn't care about anything. Especially not my life.
Deep down I knew it was time for it all to stop. I knew that I wasn't going to be able to do it on my own. That was when I decided to go to In-Patient for the first time, and it took a lot for me to get to that decision. Now when I think about it, I never used to blame God for the wrongs in my life. When I wasn't asking Him to give me strength, I was asking Him to take my life. I wanted to die every day. I dreaded going to sleep and waking up to face another day. I was given another chance to LIVE, because he clearly was not going to let me go that easy. Going to In-Patient was the best choice I've ever made. The meetings I went to while I was there were the best that I've ever gone to, and there is no meeting like the one you got sober in. Even though I have hit plenty of bumps in the road, I know God is telling me that it is not going to be THAT easy. I don't want to use today. I love my life today. I love my son so much and am so fortunate to still have him in my life because others, I have learned, are not so fortunate. I can make a difference today.
I work the program, and I love it.Anyway... there's my novel. Glad to have found this site.
Moment of Conception
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: Planet Tragedy
Posts: 453
Wowee... Welcome to SR, and well done. I dont know much about taking drugs but i have seen what it does to folk. The strength you will display will give others courage im sure. Good luck :-)
SR Fan
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Mississippi
Posts: 7,910
Thanks for sharing that with us - glad you're here!
Addiction is such a horrible place to be....... it makes it difficult to care about ourselves (and consequently everyone else in our lives).
You are doing the most wonderful thing in the world for your son - congratulations on 30 days - that's awesome!!
Addiction is such a horrible place to be....... it makes it difficult to care about ourselves (and consequently everyone else in our lives).
You are doing the most wonderful thing in the world for your son - congratulations on 30 days - that's awesome!!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Washington State
Posts: 14
Thanks for the welcome everyone. I absolutely love this forum, as it is very helpful for me in my recovery! I spoke for the first time last night at a meeting I frequently attend... It is not easy for me to speak in front of a crowd. I found it a lot easier to get it out on here because I can still receive great feedback when I voice what is going on.
I absolutely love this forum, as it is very helpful for me in my recovery! I spoke for the first time last night at a meeting I frequently attend... It is not easy for me to speak in front of a crowd. I found it a lot easier to get it out on here because I can still receive great feedback when I voice what is going on.
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