I need advice on this resentment crap
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 264
I need advice on this resentment crap
Hi all.
I am having a really tough time this morning and have no idea how my day is going to go. I'm 2 weeks sober and just got a sponsor. I'll try to make this short because I really need some practical advice.
Long story short, what brought me here was a major black out where I went into a rage. My husband admittedly and according to witnesses was grilling me over some things that were valid, but I was in no frame of mind being drunk. He ultimately said he was leaving for the night and taking my daughter with him. This threw me into a rage, which caused my neighbor (also a good friend of 20 years) to get involved. They were both trying to protect my daughter from seeing me in the state I was in. I ended up arrested for physically attacking him.
I'm so torn right now with what feel like overwhelming feelings of resentment and anger. I have an upcoming court case in March, I have no idea what the police report says. I do know that my husband and friends gave detailed statements. My head knows that I am wrong. That I caused this. But the uncertainty is eating away at me. Although I feel and continue to say that I know this is my fault, I am still angry at my husband for egging me on and for physically restraining me etc. I feel like the night never would have ended up the way it did.
Then I go back to looking at this and trying to be a little grateful because hopefully it will be the catalyst for my sobriety. Last night though all of the anger and anxiety and resentment came back and I started talking about it. My husband has a very tough love attitude about this all. He's forgiven me and he's been supportive and sweet, but he also doesn't seem to have any empathy or worry about what the judge is going to decide for me. I suppose this is the right thing to do, but the anger and resentment and fear keep creeping back. It feels like if the judge told me I had to go to jail, he'd just shrug his shoulders. That's probably not true, but this is how I'm *feeling*. What I want him to say is that everything is going to be ok. What I am feeling from his attitude is "your gonna get what you deserve".
So, I'm just on step 1 now. My sponsor wants me to marinate in the big book and the 12 and 12 a little more before going forward. These anxieties and resentments are manifesting in arguments with my husband which I know I don't have the energy for. I can't seem to let them go. But I know I need to. I love my husband and I know he loves me. Deep down I know he did the right thing under the circumstances even if not entirely perfect.
I really need some practical advice on how to get over these feelings. I don't want to be fighting with him and I am literally making myself physically sick over them. My head knows I'm to blame. Even if he was partially at fault, I don't have a leg to stand on because of my drinking. These feelings took over last night and continue on this morning. My husband got pissed and slept on the couch last night. My heart hurts and I don't know what to do. I know that I'm not going to drink over this today. But these painful useless feelings are eating me up right now. HELP, please.
I am having a really tough time this morning and have no idea how my day is going to go. I'm 2 weeks sober and just got a sponsor. I'll try to make this short because I really need some practical advice.
Long story short, what brought me here was a major black out where I went into a rage. My husband admittedly and according to witnesses was grilling me over some things that were valid, but I was in no frame of mind being drunk. He ultimately said he was leaving for the night and taking my daughter with him. This threw me into a rage, which caused my neighbor (also a good friend of 20 years) to get involved. They were both trying to protect my daughter from seeing me in the state I was in. I ended up arrested for physically attacking him.
I'm so torn right now with what feel like overwhelming feelings of resentment and anger. I have an upcoming court case in March, I have no idea what the police report says. I do know that my husband and friends gave detailed statements. My head knows that I am wrong. That I caused this. But the uncertainty is eating away at me. Although I feel and continue to say that I know this is my fault, I am still angry at my husband for egging me on and for physically restraining me etc. I feel like the night never would have ended up the way it did.
Then I go back to looking at this and trying to be a little grateful because hopefully it will be the catalyst for my sobriety. Last night though all of the anger and anxiety and resentment came back and I started talking about it. My husband has a very tough love attitude about this all. He's forgiven me and he's been supportive and sweet, but he also doesn't seem to have any empathy or worry about what the judge is going to decide for me. I suppose this is the right thing to do, but the anger and resentment and fear keep creeping back. It feels like if the judge told me I had to go to jail, he'd just shrug his shoulders. That's probably not true, but this is how I'm *feeling*. What I want him to say is that everything is going to be ok. What I am feeling from his attitude is "your gonna get what you deserve".
So, I'm just on step 1 now. My sponsor wants me to marinate in the big book and the 12 and 12 a little more before going forward. These anxieties and resentments are manifesting in arguments with my husband which I know I don't have the energy for. I can't seem to let them go. But I know I need to. I love my husband and I know he loves me. Deep down I know he did the right thing under the circumstances even if not entirely perfect.
I really need some practical advice on how to get over these feelings. I don't want to be fighting with him and I am literally making myself physically sick over them. My head knows I'm to blame. Even if he was partially at fault, I don't have a leg to stand on because of my drinking. These feelings took over last night and continue on this morning. My husband got pissed and slept on the couch last night. My heart hurts and I don't know what to do. I know that I'm not going to drink over this today. But these painful useless feelings are eating me up right now. HELP, please.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 788
I'm on step two...realizing our lives are unmanageable. Sounds like your brain is unmanageable right now. Surrender it to god, and let him take care of you. Instead of stewing, just let the thoughts pass through you, give them to God, and move forward. (sounds good...dont't know if I could do it, but I try...!)
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 788
My therapist said to sit with the feeling. Like, you're mad at your husband. Feel it. Let it eat you up. Don't jump off to...what should have happened that night, I am a jerk, I feel guilty, etc. Just feel the anger. Sit still and let it make you burn. And then it should go away. I also imagine god (I believe in God...don't know if this works if you don't) holding me like a child, telling me everything will be okay.
Just my crazy two cents!
Just my crazy two cents!
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
You should probably keep your mouth shut with HIM when you have those feelings, but you should talk about them to your sponsor and to others in the program. Incidentally, your sponsor isn't the only one you can talk to, to vent and get guidance.
Regardless whether your husband responded in the best of ways the night that this happened, he was dealing with a flipped-out drunk. And you realize that. It isn't his responsibility, it was yours, even though you don't remember it.
OK? You do NOT have to keep reliving this. It happened--thinking about it, trying to analyze and pin blame (on yourself, him, your neighbor, the police) doesn't change a thing. The only thing you can change is yourself, going forward.
That's what you are doing. This one incident will not ruin your life. It can be the thing that SAVED your life. The gratitude may not be there yet, and it may take awhile, but it will come if you do what you need to do.
Regardless whether your husband responded in the best of ways the night that this happened, he was dealing with a flipped-out drunk. And you realize that. It isn't his responsibility, it was yours, even though you don't remember it.
OK? You do NOT have to keep reliving this. It happened--thinking about it, trying to analyze and pin blame (on yourself, him, your neighbor, the police) doesn't change a thing. The only thing you can change is yourself, going forward.
That's what you are doing. This one incident will not ruin your life. It can be the thing that SAVED your life. The gratitude may not be there yet, and it may take awhile, but it will come if you do what you need to do.
Grateful Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: MI
Posts: 1,080
I completely agree with Lexie. You don't have to continue reliving it.
Look at the bottom line...
It happened, and nothing you can do now will take it back. The judge has the report, and will do as he sees fit (although I doubt it will be jailtime)
What is important now, is making sure something like that can never happen again.
It can't help you to think of him egging you on, you being partially right etc..
He has forgiven you. You have to forgive him too, and forgive yourself.
This will let the healing begin. And isn't that the most important thing??
Look at the bottom line...
It happened, and nothing you can do now will take it back. The judge has the report, and will do as he sees fit (although I doubt it will be jailtime)
What is important now, is making sure something like that can never happen again.
It can't help you to think of him egging you on, you being partially right etc..
He has forgiven you. You have to forgive him too, and forgive yourself.
This will let the healing begin. And isn't that the most important thing??
i've done my almost
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Atlanta, GA
Posts: 1,934
Originally Posted by Inafishbowl 
Long story short, what brought me here was a major black out where I went into a rage. My husband admittedly and according to witnesses was grilling me over some things that were valid, but I was in no frame of mind being drunk. He ultimately said he was leaving for the night and taking my daughter with him. This threw me into a rage, which caused my neighbor (also a good friend of 20 years) to get involved. They were both trying to protect my daughter from seeing me in the state I was in. I ended up arrested for physically attacking him.
I'm so torn right now with what feel like overwhelming feelings of resentment and anger. I have an upcoming court case in March, I have no idea what the police report says. I do know that my husband and friends gave detailed statements. My head knows that I am wrong. That I caused this. But the uncertainty is eating away at me. Although I feel and continue to say that I know this is my fault, I am still angry at my husband for egging me on and for physically restraining me etc. I feel like the night never would have ended up the way it did.
I'm so torn right now with what feel like overwhelming feelings of resentment and anger. I have an upcoming court case in March, I have no idea what the police report says. I do know that my husband and friends gave detailed statements. My head knows that I am wrong. That I caused this. But the uncertainty is eating away at me. Although I feel and continue to say that I know this is my fault, I am still angry at my husband for egging me on and for physically restraining me etc. I feel like the night never would have ended up the way it did.
I turned into a unpredictable blackout drunk too. Sometimes I'd blackout, sometimes I woudn't. Sometimes I'd do stupid things, sometimes I wouldn't.
I'd really like you to read the part above I quoted from your originial post.
(and here comes some tough love)
You are being absurd. You are saying the right things just to say them, but sprinkled in your post is some sick, selfish thoughts. You're still blaming YOUR husband for protecting himself and your child from YOU.
YOU are still, still making excuses for yourself.
Bottom line is YOU drank too much. YOU flipped out. YOU were dangerous. YOU caused harm.
YOU are what and who's at fault here.
Listen, I totally understand. I've been there. I know how it feels to do something you really don't even remember doing, but we are at fault. We picked up the first drink, knowing we really shouldn't be drinking.
Right now, if I were you, I'd be very, very quiet.
I'd immurse myself in AA. I'd stop talking and start listening.
Your resentments will fade away as YOU get well.
Spare your family more harm.
Kjell
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 264
I know ya'll are right. It's my struggle in moments like this. Once the "crazy" is there I can't seem to let it go. Can't free myself of it. Its torture. To give you an idea of how crazy I'm feeling. If I were in court today, I'd ask for the jail time just to make a point. I'm sick and twisted today and can't break outta it. This forgiveness concept is in another galaxy today. Good thing I'm sitting in the therapist's parking lot waiting for my eleven o'clock.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Baghdad
Posts: 2,822
Originally Posted by Inafishbowl
My head knows I'm to blame. Even if he was partially at fault
Denial - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
Kubler-Ross is also worth looking at.
Highlighted the above quote, if your head really knew you were entirely to blame, you wouldn't be saying your husband was partially at fault.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
LOL,
Well, to your credit, you realize it's crazy stuff you're thinking. Congratulations, that means you're just like the rest of us. We were all nuts when we came in. Sometimes I'm still nuts. Less often, though, and I usually recognize it, and I have better tools for straightening out my thinking today.
Well, to your credit, you realize it's crazy stuff you're thinking. Congratulations, that means you're just like the rest of us. We were all nuts when we came in. Sometimes I'm still nuts. Less often, though, and I usually recognize it, and I have better tools for straightening out my thinking today.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
What you are feeling is, at bottom, fear. That's at the root of most bad feelings.
You know intellectually that you "shouldn't" feel the way you feel, but you do.
My suggestion is to get to that fourth step sooner rather than later. It will clear up a lot of the confusion, I think.
You know intellectually that you "shouldn't" feel the way you feel, but you do.
My suggestion is to get to that fourth step sooner rather than later. It will clear up a lot of the confusion, I think.
i've done my almost
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Atlanta, GA
Posts: 1,934
Hey Fish-
You're doing a GREAT job here. Please know that.
I'm over a year sober and I still have crazy, stupid, selfish thoughts and at least now I know what they are, but stopping them is another story
Keep up the good work and I am here to help you should you ever ask.
Kjell
You're doing a GREAT job here. Please know that.
I'm over a year sober and I still have crazy, stupid, selfish thoughts and at least now I know what they are, but stopping them is another story
Keep up the good work and I am here to help you should you ever ask.
Kjell
Member
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Sweden
Posts: 1,649
Hey in a fishbowl, you are doing some great work here. You are actually recognizing your resentments. That is fantastic. Because you know what, we are victims of our resentments until we start to see them.
Me, hated my husband, yes, check.
Me, hated my kids, yes, check.
Me, hated just about everybody, yes check.
Me, the biggest victim in the world, yes, check.
You will be okay if you just don't drink. The court settlement will maybe change your life. Maybe your life needs some changing.
I know people in AA who have gone through the mix master and back again. Some of their stories just floor me: court cases and whatever. But, they came back. Just don't take that first drink.
These days: I think I have this wonderful husband and fantastic kids. How could I have not noticed that? I guess I was drunk....eeeeh.
Me, hated my husband, yes, check.
Me, hated my kids, yes, check.
Me, hated just about everybody, yes check.
Me, the biggest victim in the world, yes, check.
You will be okay if you just don't drink. The court settlement will maybe change your life. Maybe your life needs some changing.
I know people in AA who have gone through the mix master and back again. Some of their stories just floor me: court cases and whatever. But, they came back. Just don't take that first drink.
These days: I think I have this wonderful husband and fantastic kids. How could I have not noticed that? I guess I was drunk....eeeeh.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 264
Even in the middle of this, I don't want to drink. But honestly there is a little "f-you" to that. Stubborn attitude I have that I can quit drinking but YOU can't ever fix YOUR issues.
I just want these feelings to go away.
I just want these feelings to go away.
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
Please read in our BB...page 552 on resentments.
Then stop discussing your arrest and up coming court
with your husband. He too is clueless about the outcome.
All my best to you and your family
Then stop discussing your arrest and up coming court
with your husband. He too is clueless about the outcome.
All my best to you and your family
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 873
If it were me, I'd accept the situation for what it is and try to focus on the outcome. Meaning, what do you want to happen when you go to court? Want the judge to dismiss the case? Want your husband to drop the charges? Want to go to jail? Whatever your desired outcome, think about what you need to do to make that happen.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
