Spawn

wow

Your story really pulled on my heart...the suffering caused by alcoholism always pains me.
I am a recovering alcoholic and I know first hand what my drinking did to others who cared for me.
I wish I had the magical words to shed some light on your situation............but I don't.

" do you think counselling might be an option? "

I"ll say a prayer for you and your wife.

Anna

Hi Jay,

I'm sorry for your situation and I know it's scary.

I had been married for 25 years before I drank at all, literally. Like your wife, I was a control-freak and somehow I managed to hold things together with husband and kids all those years. But, inside I was lost and alone. There was only emptiness there as I continued to give to everyone, unaware that I needed to take as well, to nourish myself and to fill my soul. So, in a 'perfect storm' situation where husband was away a lot, two teenage kids (one who was rebelling in a dangerous way), a stressful job and chronic insomnia, I started to drink at bedtime. In a matter of weeks, I was hooked, but managed to control my drinking for quite awhile, hiding it always. But, alcoholism is a progressive disease.

I wish I could say it was easy to recover and move forward, but it wasn't. I hurt my family and the guilt and shame was overwhelming. But, thank god I made it and it's been more than ten years now, and I couldn't be happier.

I hope that you get the help you need.

Stevie1

Jay, everyone else has pretty well said it all thus far...you have received some very wise and true advice. And those in the F and F forum will truly understand what you are going through.

I'm on the other side of the coin too, I was the alcoholic. When my husband first figured out I was drinking secretly, he asked why?? I said, because I am an alcoholic, I'm addicted. To me, that was the clear "well no duh" truth...but because he had no experience with alcoholism and addiction, he was truly baffled. He felt angry and responsible - "why can't I fix this!" and I thought his reaction was self centered because He did NOT cause it, he could NOT control it and he sure as hell couldn't CURE it...the longer he insisted it was all about him, the worse he made it for himself and we both ended up pissed off and frustrated.

Remember the truth of the three Cs. Take care of yourself first and always. Now is a time to be selfish - support your wife, of course, but don't fall into the trap of thinking you can fix this. I wish you the best on the road ahead.

JayR

This requires an update . . . and it's all good. Not false promises or lies . . . it's real.

It is often said that the person who is forgetting that EVERYTHING must be done in moderation is the person most prone to substance abuse. The 'crutch' of alcohol as a means of making life 'normal' is viewed as a 'magic wand' that those of us who do feel in control our own lives cannot understand.

I am one of those who can control myself. I am grateful and I am fortunate.

But as 'ste' said in a reply earlier, "When my head spins I want a drink to slow it down, but realize its best to..... to what? Accept my spinning head."

That's what resonated with my wife when I shared these comments with her.

The really tragic stories I read here are not what we face - or so I think at this point. AlAnon will surely see us attending together . . . to listen and educate ourselves.

What resonated with me through the comments made is the 'progressive' nature of the 'disease'. Hers is just so very recent aberrent behavior - though the signs have been there for some time. She is 'allergic' to alcohol - and was only just starting the descent when I caught her . . . Prior to that she was only occasionally embarassing. If she drinks, she has alcoholic tendencies . . . so she just can't drink.

When I disallowed the wine consumption (liquid Kryptonite) she thanked me, as I said earlier. Then she switched to vodka . . . seeking that 'magic wand' waved over her to stop her 'head from spinning'. "Beer took too long and made me feel full" was her comment yesterday. So I am sort of feeling like I created a 'in the nick of time' moment by understanding that this hiding of the booze was a really BAD and scary sign . . . the obfuscation of drinking was causing her shame. She NEVER poured one in front of me . . . but never tried to hide it . . . But now she realizes that WAS hiding it. It was shame that made her wait until i was out of the room or out of view or out of the house . . .

So what we shared this morning . . .

Her menopause has created insomnia and night sweats of a nature that interrupts sleep regularly. Being the sweet person she is, she moves to another bedroom to not interrupt my sleep. When she came back into our bedroom this morning she laid down, put her head on my shoulder and said, "You know who I haven't talked to about this yet?" I presumed she meant a friend . . . She continued . . . "I haven't talked to God. I shut Him out. I forgot that my belief in prayer was forgotten and I needed it more than ever. So I prayed to Him this morning."

She went on to say she felt something was lifted off her shoulders and that this may not be as tough as she first thought. But she said it from a position of power - not deceipt . . . After being together so long, I sensed the truth behind it. She went on to say that she knows I could have left her behind - but that the depth of my love for her was greater than any addicition . . . and that only if she failed would I ever leave. She knows I would fight to my death for her to 'win' . . . and that was always unspoken - but now seemed so much more obvious. She's right . . . and I can tell you all this, if you knew her, you'd share the same love her her as all those who do cross her path. That's why it was so befuddling to see her begin to fail . . .

Yes, there's real work to be done . . . but in these truly tragic stories we find hope that we did not yet descend to these levels . . .

Now the effects of this forum on ME . . .

'Bellakeller' gave me this pearl of wisdom: "please give yourself a break - you are not God and can't control everything around you. So take yourself out of that equation - that's way too much responsibility to take on and once you realize that things will start to get better. "

Bella, you can't know how much that makes sense now. I'm the caretaker of many in my life . . . now or in my past. I've raised money for cancer victims, the hungry, the homeless, friends and family in crisis, attended family addiction counseling when a friend had gone off the deep end . . . I use MY strength to help others. My life seems glorious to me - so iI feel compelled to give back . . . to share my strength.

But it has gotten habitual - and closer to preaching more than helping. While I can handle criticism and critique and honesty, most people cannot. That doesn't make them bad or me good. I am fortunate - but this 'exercise' through crisis has made me realize that my strength is rare - and I need to be an example, not a mirror. Each must rise when the time is right. I was forcing it - knowing I could help. SHUT UP JAY!!! Wait for it . . .

It has been said about me many times that I am a guardian angel. That's flattering - but I think now that I started stepping on God's toes. I tried to do His work. I will now stop that and wait for the time to help. I am so grateful I can talk the talk and walk the walk. But my self-discipline is the exception - not the rule. Once, in my own life, I too had to decide between addiction and sobriety. But I was 20 years old - and ripe for failure OR success.

Once I decided 'I was better than that' behavior I exhibited, I stopped. I have always been that way. Cold turkey. That's rare - or so I have discovered here. People need strength . . . WHEN THEY NEED IT. So I will wait . . . and God will bring those most in need to me.

I just never thought it might start in my own home . . .

But you have all helped . . . both of us. This will be easily beaten. That's not delusional as we haven't yet faced the challenges of stopping . . . but if you FEEL you're going to win, you pretty much just decided how the outcome will be . . . She was NOT drinking daily - but the amount of alcohol was increasing - and the days between would have shortened to none if left unchecked. I guess my previous experiences with my friends family drug counseling influenced my 'instincts' in seeing her starting down a slippery slope . . .

She sent me one of the 'Tea Bag Mantras' she gets on her teabags this morning . . . "To be healthy: eat right, walk right and talk to yourself right." So who do you think made that pearl available to her? Her God . . . the same one that I was trying to replace . . . I back off, she steps on the gas and we head toward sobriety . . . and a renewed future TOGETHER!!

She feels renewed hope and a sense of peace . . . and she bravely welcomes the challenges she will face. Objectively, I've not seen this sort of confidence recently in her . . .

That's gotta be good for a start, eh?

God bless you all for your comments, prayers, support, advice, counsel, stories and love . . . If 'good begets good and bad begets bad' as we have preached' to our son for so many years, you will all be rewarded greatly for your generosity of helping out two total strangers. God's blessings to each of you for the selflessness shown here . . . The world is NOT a scary place if this 'Light' is there to turn on when needed.

I'll keep you posted . . . but our success won't be as dramatic as those with more tragic stories. To those people, my pause for prayer today and going forward will consider you . . . your peace . . . your greatness.

The best way I can repay you is to offer you something I found online . . . It's one man's interpretation of Ralph Waldo Emerson's amazing essay, 'Self Reliance' . . . and the soundness of his thought is truly inspirational . . . We are ALL great in our own special ways . . .

If God created Man in His own image, then he likely also imbued us with some of His greatness . . . I pray the weak find their greatness - and the strong reaffirm it . . . and please enjoy the read (Emersons' original was so 1800-speak that this 'interpretation' is more easily understood):

w-w-w.youmeworks.com/self_reliance_translated.html

As I am new here, links are not yet allowed - cut and paste . . .

bellakeller

That pearl came straight from Al-anon and literature they have. Go to Al-anon. There's so much more there that will help you guys.

Much love.

NoHo

One quick thought from my own experience. My spouse was always very highly judgmental of my drinking. I couldn't peacefully enjoy a beer over a game of some kind without judgment as to the impact on me and my children, etc. But I wanted that beer at the time. So, guess what, I learned to sneak away and have it, clean up and come back to watch the game, then again and again. While very childish, it was my pattern to avoid judgment. Shame and control can really hurt. Your spouse needs to know that you value her regardless of the drinking, but that you don't like the drinking. I yearned for just once to have my spouse put her arm around me and ask what's wrong instead of always getting mad and upset.

There is hope, many of us here have and continue to fight and win the battle.

Dee74

As Jay now has a healthy thread going in Family and Friends, I think it's best to direct everyone there

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...holic-new.html

D