Where a lot of fears are coming from
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 264
Where a lot of fears are coming from
If you'll indulge me, I am freaking myself out here and need to share a little background.
I was married before. When I met my first husband he wasn't a drinker. He said he had been in enough fights etc and if he ever drank again he would die. 7 years of marriage and I never saw him take a drink. He wasn't working a program though. Eventually his addictions manifested themselves into gambling. He was my best friend, the love of my life, but to protect myself I separated and finally divorced him. I see now that my alcoholism was dormant because I drank much less frequently (yet in excess when I did).
When we separated he checked himself into rehab and finally started working a 12 step program. He attended GA and AA on a regular basis. I witnessed him getting better. Although we weren't together, we remained very close and co-parented very well. He was still my best friend and still the love of my life.
He was very distraught about the divorce. He didn't want it. I didn't either. But I always thought that he would get some sobriety (from gambling too) under his belt and that we would get married again under healthy and right conditions. I was a regular at Alanon (clearly denial).
Long story short. He had a new job and was surrounded by new friends who didn't know his history etc. 10 days after the divorce came through, my then 4 year old daughter and I were out of town. He went out with people from work and somehow decided he could drink. We lived a block away from each other and generally on the weekends he was off with our daughter which kept him busy and kept him sober it seems. This night he was on his own. Basically the next day I got a call for his dental records.
He hit a tree straight on and the car exploded. It took them 10 hours to peel him out of our car. The toxicology results came back much later and his BAC was off of the charts. He was very far from home with a group of people who didn't think to take his keys. Not their fault, but just say'n.
So there I was. A widow with a four year old daughter and yet not quite a widow. Proving the insanity, my drinking ramped up from there until here I am.
I am terrified of the relapse stories even more so because of this experience. I am a periodic but binge drinker. I am not sure I have totally dealt with his death and I'm not sure where to put it. But in a way, I feel like his demons have possessed me. I am terrified I am going to meet the same end and leave my daughter behind.
And yet still, my husband's funeral was full of a lot of GA and AA members who kept telling me they couldn't understand it. That everyone felt that he was going to be one of the ones to "make it". Clearly he didn't and I sort of feel that if he couldn't do it, how the hell am I?
So many things I want to say to him. So much love, so much anger, so many tears. So much resentment and yet pity and love. Now that I am facing my own demons, I want more than ever to hear from him. For him to hug me and tell me everything is going to be ok.
In his case, I just can't accept the "everything happens for a reason" or it was meant to be. I can't see the good in it.
I am remarried. I love my husband. He knew my first husband well and I am lucky I can talk to him about these things. But the grief and the pain of facing these things is overwhelming to me.
Thanks for reading.
I was married before. When I met my first husband he wasn't a drinker. He said he had been in enough fights etc and if he ever drank again he would die. 7 years of marriage and I never saw him take a drink. He wasn't working a program though. Eventually his addictions manifested themselves into gambling. He was my best friend, the love of my life, but to protect myself I separated and finally divorced him. I see now that my alcoholism was dormant because I drank much less frequently (yet in excess when I did).
When we separated he checked himself into rehab and finally started working a 12 step program. He attended GA and AA on a regular basis. I witnessed him getting better. Although we weren't together, we remained very close and co-parented very well. He was still my best friend and still the love of my life.
He was very distraught about the divorce. He didn't want it. I didn't either. But I always thought that he would get some sobriety (from gambling too) under his belt and that we would get married again under healthy and right conditions. I was a regular at Alanon (clearly denial).
Long story short. He had a new job and was surrounded by new friends who didn't know his history etc. 10 days after the divorce came through, my then 4 year old daughter and I were out of town. He went out with people from work and somehow decided he could drink. We lived a block away from each other and generally on the weekends he was off with our daughter which kept him busy and kept him sober it seems. This night he was on his own. Basically the next day I got a call for his dental records.
He hit a tree straight on and the car exploded. It took them 10 hours to peel him out of our car. The toxicology results came back much later and his BAC was off of the charts. He was very far from home with a group of people who didn't think to take his keys. Not their fault, but just say'n.
So there I was. A widow with a four year old daughter and yet not quite a widow. Proving the insanity, my drinking ramped up from there until here I am.
I am terrified of the relapse stories even more so because of this experience. I am a periodic but binge drinker. I am not sure I have totally dealt with his death and I'm not sure where to put it. But in a way, I feel like his demons have possessed me. I am terrified I am going to meet the same end and leave my daughter behind.
And yet still, my husband's funeral was full of a lot of GA and AA members who kept telling me they couldn't understand it. That everyone felt that he was going to be one of the ones to "make it". Clearly he didn't and I sort of feel that if he couldn't do it, how the hell am I?
So many things I want to say to him. So much love, so much anger, so many tears. So much resentment and yet pity and love. Now that I am facing my own demons, I want more than ever to hear from him. For him to hug me and tell me everything is going to be ok.
In his case, I just can't accept the "everything happens for a reason" or it was meant to be. I can't see the good in it.
I am remarried. I love my husband. He knew my first husband well and I am lucky I can talk to him about these things. But the grief and the pain of facing these things is overwhelming to me.
Thanks for reading.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,445
I'm sorry for your loss inafishbowl. It's such a tragic waste.
I understand your fear...but please - look around - there are many people here who are living happy sober lives and have for many years
I really believe it's quite simple when you get down to it - we get out of our recovery what we put into it.
For me, it's all about maintenance and never taking my recovery for granted.
I see it a lot like playing guitar - if I keep my playing up I know I can walk out anytime anywhere and play...but if I get lazy or complacent or apathetic, I won't make the gig.
D
I understand your fear...but please - look around - there are many people here who are living happy sober lives and have for many years
I really believe it's quite simple when you get down to it - we get out of our recovery what we put into it.
For me, it's all about maintenance and never taking my recovery for granted.
I see it a lot like playing guitar - if I keep my playing up I know I can walk out anytime anywhere and play...but if I get lazy or complacent or apathetic, I won't make the gig.
D
Last edited by Dee74; 02-04-2011 at 04:08 PM.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Sorry for your loss, fishbowl.
The fact is, some alcoholics do relapse. Most who get through five years don't. Relapse is more common early on. It CAN happen later--which is why we can't afford to get complacent. But if we are maintaining our spiritual condition, we don't have to be afraid of it. Because we have RECOVERED. That doesn't mean cured--if we drink, we will go back and suffer the consequences. But when we recover we lose the obsession to drink, which means we are sane and don't drink because it would be an insane thing to do.
You are fearing something that never has to be. The Step work will help calm your fears--you will get those fears out in the open and learn what is at the bottom of them. And you will learn to let them go.
One acronym for FEAR is False Evidence Appearing Real.
The fact is, some alcoholics do relapse. Most who get through five years don't. Relapse is more common early on. It CAN happen later--which is why we can't afford to get complacent. But if we are maintaining our spiritual condition, we don't have to be afraid of it. Because we have RECOVERED. That doesn't mean cured--if we drink, we will go back and suffer the consequences. But when we recover we lose the obsession to drink, which means we are sane and don't drink because it would be an insane thing to do.
You are fearing something that never has to be. The Step work will help calm your fears--you will get those fears out in the open and learn what is at the bottom of them. And you will learn to let them go.
One acronym for FEAR is False Evidence Appearing Real.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,514
Hi,
I am very sorry for your loss. It's just so sad.
I do relate to the anxious feelings you are having. I think when you have a child, there are times that the responsibility feels overwhelming and you worry so much about what would happen if you weren't around. But, you can do this and you have lots of support here.
I am very sorry for your loss. It's just so sad.
I do relate to the anxious feelings you are having. I think when you have a child, there are times that the responsibility feels overwhelming and you worry so much about what would happen if you weren't around. But, you can do this and you have lots of support here.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: New England
Posts: 5,285
What a tragic story...I am so sorry for tour loss.
It troubles me that you feel as though his demons have possessed you in a way. Have you considered professional counseling? It sounds as though you are carrying too much grief. That kind of emotion can weaken anyone.
On a side note...my therapist often tells me that there is no room for fear in a grateful heart...so I practice gratitude constantly...it helps
It troubles me that you feel as though his demons have possessed you in a way. Have you considered professional counseling? It sounds as though you are carrying too much grief. That kind of emotion can weaken anyone.
On a side note...my therapist often tells me that there is no room for fear in a grateful heart...so I practice gratitude constantly...it helps
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Denver, colorado
Posts: 16
The grief club
Inafishbowl,
. So sorry. I highly recommend melody beattys book The Grief Club. Grief is tough and contributed to my relapse. The key is to seek HP daily, daily, daily. Never lose sight of your spiritual way of life. HP is found in the steps. We have to live life on a spiritual basis or we will drink. BUT we are not saints. We need only be willing to grow along spiritual lines. I got angry and turned from HP, steps, and meetings. Eventually, I drank. Thank god I made it back.
. So sorry. I highly recommend melody beattys book The Grief Club. Grief is tough and contributed to my relapse. The key is to seek HP daily, daily, daily. Never lose sight of your spiritual way of life. HP is found in the steps. We have to live life on a spiritual basis or we will drink. BUT we are not saints. We need only be willing to grow along spiritual lines. I got angry and turned from HP, steps, and meetings. Eventually, I drank. Thank god I made it back.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
