Booze and tranquilizers
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Join Date: Jan 2011
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Booze and tranquilizers
I'm four months into recovery from a decade of benzodiazepine and alcohol abuse. I was prescribed 20 milligrams of Klonopin for 10 years. That's not a typo -- 20 milligrams of Klonopin. My alcohol abuse consisted of pounding up to a 12 pack of beer a day. I was still able to walk, but I was insane.
I went cold turkey from both booze and benzodiazepine as well as alcohol beginning Sept. 10, 2010. I became certifiably insane. Two weeks into sobriety I was hospitalized in a psych ward for a week. Since then, It has been a long, strange trip.
Anxiety and depression have plagued me my entire life. I lived on a stew of antidepressants and tranquilizers for 20 years. I still take an antidepressant and was prescribed 25 milligrams of Seroquel off label for sleep, and 250 milligrams of Depakote to prevent seizures and as a mood stabilizer. I also take 50 milligrams of Zoloft.
I've from the U.S., but living overseas. I was a professional who lost everything to pills and booze.
Where I'm at today is somewhere I never thought I would be -- sober, but worried that the medications I take still have adverse side effects. I played psychiatrists like violin, and they played be like an upright base.
The depression is the worst, along with agoraphobia and anxiety. I just don't know if I'm dealing with alcohol withdrawal symptoms or benzodiazepine withdrawal symptoms. I was convinced I was only dealing with benzodiazepine withdrawal, but I can't discount the devastating effects of alcohol abuse. My ex-wife is in her 10th year of recovery from alcohol addiction. She became sober through AA. Where I'm living, there are numerous AA chapters, but I can't bring myself to get out of my door.
I have tremors still, though they seem to be subsiding. The depression is overwhelming. I leave nothing in my wake only regrets. I can think of nothing good back there. I face bankruptcy. I deal with shame every day. I try to help others deal with benzodiazepine withdrawal on another forum, and receive support from them there in return. I have no desire to drink. I drank once during my withdrawal, dumped the rest of the bottle down the sink, and haven't looked back.
Rebuilding my life is my goal, and trying to regain the love and respect of my children is all I seek.
I pray that if others out there are going through the same thing I am that they can offer some sage advice. When does it get better? How do we correct the wrongs we have committed?
I've read the AA Big Book numerous times. I've finally opened my heart to spirituality, though I feel undeserving. I'm more than ready to chuck the chemical-based psychiatric community. I want off all drugs, even the the damned cigarettes I inhale every 10 minutes.
I went cold turkey from both booze and benzodiazepine as well as alcohol beginning Sept. 10, 2010. I became certifiably insane. Two weeks into sobriety I was hospitalized in a psych ward for a week. Since then, It has been a long, strange trip.
Anxiety and depression have plagued me my entire life. I lived on a stew of antidepressants and tranquilizers for 20 years. I still take an antidepressant and was prescribed 25 milligrams of Seroquel off label for sleep, and 250 milligrams of Depakote to prevent seizures and as a mood stabilizer. I also take 50 milligrams of Zoloft.
I've from the U.S., but living overseas. I was a professional who lost everything to pills and booze.
Where I'm at today is somewhere I never thought I would be -- sober, but worried that the medications I take still have adverse side effects. I played psychiatrists like violin, and they played be like an upright base.
The depression is the worst, along with agoraphobia and anxiety. I just don't know if I'm dealing with alcohol withdrawal symptoms or benzodiazepine withdrawal symptoms. I was convinced I was only dealing with benzodiazepine withdrawal, but I can't discount the devastating effects of alcohol abuse. My ex-wife is in her 10th year of recovery from alcohol addiction. She became sober through AA. Where I'm living, there are numerous AA chapters, but I can't bring myself to get out of my door.
I have tremors still, though they seem to be subsiding. The depression is overwhelming. I leave nothing in my wake only regrets. I can think of nothing good back there. I face bankruptcy. I deal with shame every day. I try to help others deal with benzodiazepine withdrawal on another forum, and receive support from them there in return. I have no desire to drink. I drank once during my withdrawal, dumped the rest of the bottle down the sink, and haven't looked back.
Rebuilding my life is my goal, and trying to regain the love and respect of my children is all I seek.
I pray that if others out there are going through the same thing I am that they can offer some sage advice. When does it get better? How do we correct the wrongs we have committed?
I've read the AA Big Book numerous times. I've finally opened my heart to spirituality, though I feel undeserving. I'm more than ready to chuck the chemical-based psychiatric community. I want off all drugs, even the the damned cigarettes I inhale every 10 minutes.
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: old bridge, new jersey
Posts: 4
MemphisBLues,
My father was an alcoholic for many years. I myself am recovering from an addiction to pills. I went through quite a lot in the course of my father's addiction and recovery. Near the end of his battle with the booze I witnessed a suicide attempt and saw him lay hands on my mother. I cannot say it has been easy for him since then. He lost his wife, his children, his home, and his business. I would say he lost his dignity, but I am watching that built back up each and every day.
Regaining the respect of my sibling and I has been an ongoing battle for him, but I am happy to say that my brother and I now love and respect him more than ever before. He has served as a great source of inspiration for us - especially for me in my own quest for sobriety. He is now two years clean, working his ass off each and everyday to make ends meet and put me through school.
When I look at my father I see a changed man. A person who has been to hell and back. A person who I strive everyday to be like. Rest assured that with time and perseverance you will get there too.
My father was an alcoholic for many years. I myself am recovering from an addiction to pills. I went through quite a lot in the course of my father's addiction and recovery. Near the end of his battle with the booze I witnessed a suicide attempt and saw him lay hands on my mother. I cannot say it has been easy for him since then. He lost his wife, his children, his home, and his business. I would say he lost his dignity, but I am watching that built back up each and every day.
Regaining the respect of my sibling and I has been an ongoing battle for him, but I am happy to say that my brother and I now love and respect him more than ever before. He has served as a great source of inspiration for us - especially for me in my own quest for sobriety. He is now two years clean, working his ass off each and everyday to make ends meet and put me through school.
When I look at my father I see a changed man. A person who has been to hell and back. A person who I strive everyday to be like. Rest assured that with time and perseverance you will get there too.
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,126
Thanks
Thanks for your quick replies. Glad to know their are those out there willing to forgive a father; that's all I hope for.
What was the psych ward like? Well, it was a saving grace. About three weeks into my withdrawal, I lost grasp of reality. I spent the first two weeks with fevers, tremors, headaches...I didn't think it could get much worse.
But it did.
I thought I was going through DTs. Music that wasn't there started playing in my dining room. AT first it was Santana, jamming away; then it turned into Barry White. That wasn't pretty. I was convinced I had fried my brain with Klonopin (clonazepam) and booze.
But I became incredibly delusional. I didn't sleep for those first two weeks, but then slipped into hallucinations. I went to the emergency room a half dozen times. They would jack me up with Valium and send me home.
My situation just deteriorated. I'm pretty sure I had a seizure. I was admitted to the hospital for 10 days. I don't remember the ambulance ride there, but after two days, I woke up and the hallucinations had stopped. And I was a different person.
The psych ward gave me some of the best medical care I could imagine. The people were caring, supportive and understanding. When I left, I could barely walk. The concrete beneath my feet had the consistency of a wet sponge.
My anxiety was so bad I couldn't walk to buy cigarettes without breaking out into a cold sweat. Thankfully, that has subsided. The depression remains, though I have some good days. I'm reducing the Seroquel I take, and hope the Depakote I take is next. After two decades on psychotropic drugs, I'm convinced I have to remove these, slowly, and find out what the real me is like.
The courage you guys have is incredible. Thanks for getting back to me.
I lived my life by altering my consciousness; now I just hope that I have a brain left to move on with my life. My cognition is muddy. Anyone have the same problems after four months of abstention?
What was the psych ward like? Well, it was a saving grace. About three weeks into my withdrawal, I lost grasp of reality. I spent the first two weeks with fevers, tremors, headaches...I didn't think it could get much worse.
But it did.
I thought I was going through DTs. Music that wasn't there started playing in my dining room. AT first it was Santana, jamming away; then it turned into Barry White. That wasn't pretty. I was convinced I had fried my brain with Klonopin (clonazepam) and booze.
But I became incredibly delusional. I didn't sleep for those first two weeks, but then slipped into hallucinations. I went to the emergency room a half dozen times. They would jack me up with Valium and send me home.
My situation just deteriorated. I'm pretty sure I had a seizure. I was admitted to the hospital for 10 days. I don't remember the ambulance ride there, but after two days, I woke up and the hallucinations had stopped. And I was a different person.
The psych ward gave me some of the best medical care I could imagine. The people were caring, supportive and understanding. When I left, I could barely walk. The concrete beneath my feet had the consistency of a wet sponge.
My anxiety was so bad I couldn't walk to buy cigarettes without breaking out into a cold sweat. Thankfully, that has subsided. The depression remains, though I have some good days. I'm reducing the Seroquel I take, and hope the Depakote I take is next. After two decades on psychotropic drugs, I'm convinced I have to remove these, slowly, and find out what the real me is like.
The courage you guys have is incredible. Thanks for getting back to me.
I lived my life by altering my consciousness; now I just hope that I have a brain left to move on with my life. My cognition is muddy. Anyone have the same problems after four months of abstention?
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Mississippi
Posts: 7,910
Hi MB - Congratulations on your sober/clean time. I've heard (and read) that it can take up to a year to physically recover. There's also something called PAWS (post-alcohol withdrawal syndrome) which can last even longer.
What does your psychiatrist say? I think you'll find some reassurance here that things will continue to get better. There are also a lot of us who have had to get treated for depression and/or other issues.
Hang in there!
What does your psychiatrist say? I think you'll find some reassurance here that things will continue to get better. There are also a lot of us who have had to get treated for depression and/or other issues.
Hang in there!
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Join Date: Jan 2011
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Yep/ 20 milligrams. Thanks for the reference to PAWS. More for me to obsess about! I'm still trying to figure out whether I went through the DTs or psychosis induced by benzodiazepine withdrawal. It wasn't pretty.
Reference the Klonopin dosage, I obviously built up a tolerance. What does my shrink say? He thinks I'm a success story. He doesn't realize I fantasize about stringing up on a lamp post.
At least I can walk by the booze counter and not feel my muscles twitch.
Reference the Klonopin dosage, I obviously built up a tolerance. What does my shrink say? He thinks I'm a success story. He doesn't realize I fantasize about stringing up on a lamp post.
At least I can walk by the booze counter and not feel my muscles twitch.
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Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Colorado
Posts: 1,071
Is there any way you can find a doc that you trust and tell them everything? I'm no doctor, but from what you say about your meds & withdrawal and everything else, it seems like you should be under a doctor's care and not try to figure this out on your own...
SR has lots of support to offer- as much as you are willing to ask for. Welcome.
SR has lots of support to offer- as much as you are willing to ask for. Welcome.
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,126
Technically, I am under a doctor's supervision. I've had 20 years of therapy, the talk variety, and the chemical, not to mention my own self medicating. I don't mean to minimize the fact that I have drastically improved. I just feel stuck. Four months clean isn't anything to sneeze at; I'm just hoping that four years is a heck of a lot better.
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 8,614
Oh my, Memphis- I had awful withdrawal from 2 mg's. of klonopin... If what you have shared is accurate, it's remarkable you are here with us. Many people suffer from benzo withdrawal, or alcohol withdrawal or both. I ended up in a state hospital after my GP pulled me off clonazapem too fast and too soon. NOT pretty. I was more suicidaI after I was released- we were treated as prisoners and not even permitted to go outside for one minute, ever, the entire stay... That alone could drive someone insane. I hope you find what you need.
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Twenty!
Hey, Sleepie
Dealing with a head filled with mud, the only thing I hold on to is accuracy. And honesty. Yes, 20 milligrams of clonazepam for five years, and nearly a decade of use before that. And I drank on top of it.
I know of people suffering to get off of 1 one milligram or less; coming down off of two milligrams must have been horrible for you.
I simply built up an incredible tolerance, just as I did with alcohol. I'm very sorry that you, too, ended up in a hospital. And I also know that most institutional approaches to benzodiazepine addiction simply apply the normal detox procedures that they use for booze or other drugs. There's a reason they say benzodiazepine withdrawal is worse than crack or heroin or barbiturates (not to belittle the consequences of those drugs whatsoever).
Hence, that's why I went bonkers. Even though my hospital stay was OK, it wasn't pretty. I was just relieved to be back in reality. I didn't have a chance to slowly reduce the amount I was on as is highly recommended in all of the literature I've been able to find. Did you slowly reduce your two milligrams? And I know regular detox units can be plain cruel.
How long were you on Klonopin? Did you drink with it? What was your recovery like? Did you apply alcohol, like i did? I was also prescribed belladonna with phenobarbital, for irritable bowel syndrome, and went off that cold turkey, too. Funny, once I quit drinking and and the Klonopin, the IBS that plagued me years went away.
Now, if I can only get things right on the top of my body, I think I would be happy!
Dealing with a head filled with mud, the only thing I hold on to is accuracy. And honesty. Yes, 20 milligrams of clonazepam for five years, and nearly a decade of use before that. And I drank on top of it.
I know of people suffering to get off of 1 one milligram or less; coming down off of two milligrams must have been horrible for you.
I simply built up an incredible tolerance, just as I did with alcohol. I'm very sorry that you, too, ended up in a hospital. And I also know that most institutional approaches to benzodiazepine addiction simply apply the normal detox procedures that they use for booze or other drugs. There's a reason they say benzodiazepine withdrawal is worse than crack or heroin or barbiturates (not to belittle the consequences of those drugs whatsoever).
Hence, that's why I went bonkers. Even though my hospital stay was OK, it wasn't pretty. I was just relieved to be back in reality. I didn't have a chance to slowly reduce the amount I was on as is highly recommended in all of the literature I've been able to find. Did you slowly reduce your two milligrams? And I know regular detox units can be plain cruel.
How long were you on Klonopin? Did you drink with it? What was your recovery like? Did you apply alcohol, like i did? I was also prescribed belladonna with phenobarbital, for irritable bowel syndrome, and went off that cold turkey, too. Funny, once I quit drinking and and the Klonopin, the IBS that plagued me years went away.
Now, if I can only get things right on the top of my body, I think I would be happy!
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,445
Hi MemphisBlues
Welcome - it's good to have you with us
For me I had to focus on myself - because without me being 'fixed' I didn't have a hope of fixing anything else - and I had a lot to fix.
It was hard for me to 'hurry up and wait'...I wanted to erase the damage and start my clean slate - but I knew that I had work to do first - my recovery had to be my primary focus.
I'm glad I waited until I knew I was a different man, and until I knew I changed.
I was much more capable then to start working through the debris and making my amends
D
Welcome - it's good to have you with us
For me I had to focus on myself - because without me being 'fixed' I didn't have a hope of fixing anything else - and I had a lot to fix.
It was hard for me to 'hurry up and wait'...I wanted to erase the damage and start my clean slate - but I knew that I had work to do first - my recovery had to be my primary focus.
I'm glad I waited until I knew I was a different man, and until I knew I changed.
I was much more capable then to start working through the debris and making my amends
D
Member
Join Date: Sep 2010
Posts: 395
Welcome. I am glad that you found us. And for a head filled with mud, you write with clarity and with a high level of cognition.
Congratulation on 4 months. That is quite the success story for someone where you have been.
I don't know how long it will take for you to stable out. It is probably going to take some more time; both benzos and booze do a number on the body and brain. The good news is that you are making progress, even if you don't feel like it. You survived the psych ward and still have a functional brain.
Honestly, you are doing great for what you did to yourself. Keep posting, you will find a lot of support here.
Congratulation on 4 months. That is quite the success story for someone where you have been.
I don't know how long it will take for you to stable out. It is probably going to take some more time; both benzos and booze do a number on the body and brain. The good news is that you are making progress, even if you don't feel like it. You survived the psych ward and still have a functional brain.
Honestly, you are doing great for what you did to yourself. Keep posting, you will find a lot of support here.
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Singapore
Posts: 737
Memphis, bro you have my prayers and the empathy of knowing full well what you are experiencing. I went hard at booze, benzo's for 5 years straight, really hard. 2 quarts vodka per day along with about 30 mg of Xanax and 10 + MG of Stilnox/Ambien to sleep, sometimes more. Oh, also Prozac. It's a small wonder I didn't die so many times. IMO what you are going through now at 4 months along is easily how long it took me to come off the benzos and start feeling some sense of normalcy. But is it your anti depressants and current treatment keeping you that way? IMO anything is possible, but for me it was just strictly benzo residual withdrawal.
Like you I tried to quit cold turkey one night when I ran out of Xanax. Just figured that was as good a time as any to also drop the booze. Biggest mistake of my life up until then. Ended up having a series of seizures and busting open my head (70+ stitches) was hospitalized for 10 days while they basically made sure I wouldn't crawl out of my skin, kill somebody, or die from DT's. Most of the effects you're describing are experiences I intimately remember.
But yeah, even at 4 month off Benzos (and long out of the hospital) the floor was still turning to soup, everyone I met seemed to be staring like I was Frankenstein, and my head seemed to be swimming manically. I questioned my sanity almost every day back then, alolng with my will to live through another day of it. These issues are actually what turned me back to booze, and the binging on booze became worse very quickly after I had enough of "toughing it out". I didn't ever go near Benzos again however, because the withdrawal, just by virtue of length of time, well it is some scary a$$ stuff to expect anyone to live with. If you asked me right now to go through that again or be shot - I'd ask you to make it quick and allow me an open coffin.
So for me, not having benzos and it taking so long to come back to normal meant my only "logical" solution to feeling so strange and horrible; booze. This time though, when the booze came back around to "Help" it quickly had total control over me, and the drinking went from problematic to life threatening and tragic over a period of about 3 years.
Here's why your OP hits home so much with me ... doctors, therapy, medications, rehabs, they are all useful tools to help you get sober, but trying to stay sober, well I'm starting to become convinced it takes something more, and something mutually exclusive. If that process doesn't happen (AA?, spiritual experience) all the doctors in the world can become nothing but wobbly chemical crutches to help you limp along, when all you're trying to do is walk upright. IMO the anti-depressants, therapy, the self knowledge of my problem (leaving me alone to solve) only ever delayed my return to sanity, by decades. Perhaps it even made it more difficult - in the respect that I trusted the meds and my doctors over seeking out alternatives like AA. (I qualify that statement as being only my opinion - and that I'm very new to AA still).
Of course I'm not advising you to come off any drug your doctor has prescribed - just relaying a like-minded experience. If you're still at risk of seizures my friend, tread very carefully, and consult with your doctor.
I spent a long time trying to find meds that would make my head right because I honestly wanted to be done with drinking, but when the boozing inevitably caught up with me, the meds just became an additive/enhancer. The switch was flipped somewhere within my benzo+booze time. Before then the bartenders didn't see so much of me, and my actions - while really bad, were never so ridiculous and tragic as after. The combination was simply too much, and the regrets/life altering consequences I have from that period (and later on) could still haunt me into swinging from a tree, if I let them.
During the initial detox from Xanax (after the seizures) I thought everyone was staring and judging, so that left me all but unable to function outside of my room. Of course being Caucasian in an Asian country staring is exactly what was going on sometimes. Some folks in this part of the world have no problem with staring at you like you're a green monkey with a Mohawk, even though where I'm from staring can be considered anything from extremely rude, to downright threatening. So yes bro, Paranoia, agoraphobia, depression, PTSD (from black out tragedies), extreme nervousness, flat out panic attacks, check them all of my list just like yours - for months after. This was mostly the benzo withdrawal in my Doctors opinion as well as mine. Long before I discovered Xanax, Valium, e.t.c... I was a heavy drinker alone, and offing the booze switch back then NEVER led to the results I experienced after I combined the two - at least not for such a long time after.
I hated how I felt, hated it exquisitely, for months. Thought I was crawling out of my skin. That's why I ended up drinking again, and I pray that never becomes your solution to how you feel. Get into the Big Book, really check it out. I know right now you feel so inside your own brain that the study of the BB will at least help you with the volleys between boredom and terror. It's something I wrote off my whole life as religious recruiting propaganda, but you know what? The picture they paint in that text makes a helluva lot of sense to me now.
Like you I tried to quit cold turkey one night when I ran out of Xanax. Just figured that was as good a time as any to also drop the booze. Biggest mistake of my life up until then. Ended up having a series of seizures and busting open my head (70+ stitches) was hospitalized for 10 days while they basically made sure I wouldn't crawl out of my skin, kill somebody, or die from DT's. Most of the effects you're describing are experiences I intimately remember.
But yeah, even at 4 month off Benzos (and long out of the hospital) the floor was still turning to soup, everyone I met seemed to be staring like I was Frankenstein, and my head seemed to be swimming manically. I questioned my sanity almost every day back then, alolng with my will to live through another day of it. These issues are actually what turned me back to booze, and the binging on booze became worse very quickly after I had enough of "toughing it out". I didn't ever go near Benzos again however, because the withdrawal, just by virtue of length of time, well it is some scary a$$ stuff to expect anyone to live with. If you asked me right now to go through that again or be shot - I'd ask you to make it quick and allow me an open coffin.
So for me, not having benzos and it taking so long to come back to normal meant my only "logical" solution to feeling so strange and horrible; booze. This time though, when the booze came back around to "Help" it quickly had total control over me, and the drinking went from problematic to life threatening and tragic over a period of about 3 years.
Here's why your OP hits home so much with me ... doctors, therapy, medications, rehabs, they are all useful tools to help you get sober, but trying to stay sober, well I'm starting to become convinced it takes something more, and something mutually exclusive. If that process doesn't happen (AA?, spiritual experience) all the doctors in the world can become nothing but wobbly chemical crutches to help you limp along, when all you're trying to do is walk upright. IMO the anti-depressants, therapy, the self knowledge of my problem (leaving me alone to solve) only ever delayed my return to sanity, by decades. Perhaps it even made it more difficult - in the respect that I trusted the meds and my doctors over seeking out alternatives like AA. (I qualify that statement as being only my opinion - and that I'm very new to AA still).
Of course I'm not advising you to come off any drug your doctor has prescribed - just relaying a like-minded experience. If you're still at risk of seizures my friend, tread very carefully, and consult with your doctor.
I spent a long time trying to find meds that would make my head right because I honestly wanted to be done with drinking, but when the boozing inevitably caught up with me, the meds just became an additive/enhancer. The switch was flipped somewhere within my benzo+booze time. Before then the bartenders didn't see so much of me, and my actions - while really bad, were never so ridiculous and tragic as after. The combination was simply too much, and the regrets/life altering consequences I have from that period (and later on) could still haunt me into swinging from a tree, if I let them.
During the initial detox from Xanax (after the seizures) I thought everyone was staring and judging, so that left me all but unable to function outside of my room. Of course being Caucasian in an Asian country staring is exactly what was going on sometimes. Some folks in this part of the world have no problem with staring at you like you're a green monkey with a Mohawk, even though where I'm from staring can be considered anything from extremely rude, to downright threatening. So yes bro, Paranoia, agoraphobia, depression, PTSD (from black out tragedies), extreme nervousness, flat out panic attacks, check them all of my list just like yours - for months after. This was mostly the benzo withdrawal in my Doctors opinion as well as mine. Long before I discovered Xanax, Valium, e.t.c... I was a heavy drinker alone, and offing the booze switch back then NEVER led to the results I experienced after I combined the two - at least not for such a long time after.
I hated how I felt, hated it exquisitely, for months. Thought I was crawling out of my skin. That's why I ended up drinking again, and I pray that never becomes your solution to how you feel. Get into the Big Book, really check it out. I know right now you feel so inside your own brain that the study of the BB will at least help you with the volleys between boredom and terror. It's something I wrote off my whole life as religious recruiting propaganda, but you know what? The picture they paint in that text makes a helluva lot of sense to me now.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 8,614
I'll try to be clear- although I don't know that I will answer your questions accurately... first off, it is kind of you to empathize with my comparatively tiny addiction to clonazapem. I began taking clonazapem in the spring/ summer of 2007. I was taking generic wellbutrin for an OCD related hair pulling disorder- which made me depressed- then generic zoloft to address the depression- which aggravated my Tourette's Syndrome and necessitated the clonazpem... I have had 3-4 month periods where I did not drink at all and only took the meds and those times seem really nice in recall. On generic Zoloft, Wellbutrin and Klonopin- I was 125 pounds, (thin!) relaxed and able to handle the stresses of my low wage, high stress receptionist position at a small business. I realized my tics and obsessive thoughts were likely the result of my high anxiety- which are probably partly induced by an emotionally, psychologically, verbally and physically abusive upbringing. And clonazapem became the answer... it truly changed my life. I began to ask for more and more (typically from what I have gathered) to retain the feeling of calmness... And then my GP cut me off. Far too quickly. After 5 months of trying to deal with the withdrawal- heart palpitations, dizziness, and feeling out of my body- and trying Zen meditation for a few months at a local Buddhist temple to deal with it all (as I was convinced I was going to feel crazy for the rest of my life)- I ended up drinking to deal with it and then tried to take my life and as I am uninsured landed in a vile state hospital.
And, with all due respect... a head full of mud is no reliable source of accuracy.
And, with all due respect... a head full of mud is no reliable source of accuracy.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,126
Binderdonedat and Sleepie
Thanks for sharing. Sleepie, you have nothing but sympathy and respect coming from me. Wow. Just when you get wrapped up in self-wallowing, someone comes along and pulls you up by the heart strings. The crater-strewn road you’ve been on shouldn’t happen to anyone. And the abuse you suffered is obscene. As the father of two daughters, it appalls me that you’ve been through what you have. And I’m sorry you had to endure a stint in a state hospital. Horrid.
I, too, grew up in what I would describe as an abusive family, and my earliest memory is of my mother's first suicide attempt. That was followed by two more (It was the 1960s after her second attempt; I was probably around seven. The solution then was to perform a radical hysterectomy, one only a chauvinistic medical world could come up with; I don’t think anyone thought of cutting any male anatomy to cure depression).
When I was 14 I came home from school to find her inside a running car in a closed garage. She had overdosed on pills, too. on pills. She finally got it right when I was 22, when I was living in Alaska.
She was manic depressive; at least, that’s what her psychiatrist told me. I didn't know who she had been seeing before she committed suicide. I inadvertently tripped through his door seeking help when I was around 28 or so. I had returned from the Army, finished college, and was having a crap load of problems. It took me two sessions to realize he was her shrink, one of those weird ironies of life.
At the time, I blamed him for not saving her, and blamed her for what she had donw. Now, I just accept that my parents were hard working blue-collar types who were just dealing with the cards dealt them. I’ve learned to forgive them, love them, and accept that I miss them. And always will.
I hope you realize that as much as we may ideate suicide as a solution while we’re climbing up out of this hole, it’s not an option. Thinking about it comes with the territory, I guess. But acting on it would leave an irreplaceable void in the lives of those who love us. I've left enough causalities in my wake, and I'm determined to leave no more. I'm sure you know that, or you wouldn't be on this site.
Something I’ve learned: Labels are good for telling what kind of mustard is inside the jar, but they don’t mean a damned thing when stuck on humans.
And Binderdonedat, Thanks, man. These benzos are the wickedest thing I've ever been up against. And I’m really sorry you turned to vodka to get over it. I knew once I had to get off the benzos that drinking wasn't the answer; it cost me too much. I also know that if I drink, that’s it. I think I’ve been offered one more chance to get things right while aboard this ship, and I’m determined to not screw it up.
The list of psychotropic drugs “experts’’ were convinced would solve the problem of me is long: Effexor, Zoloft, Neurontin, Xanax, Mirtazapine, Valium, Klonopin, and many I forget (I wonder why?). Add to the stew the new ones.
I know what you mean about psychiatrists. I had the same shrink for 15 years. At one time, when the tragedies coming my way were too much, he bumped me up to 30 milligrams of Klonopin, and I can find nowhere in the literature where that is an acceptable dosage for epileptics, let alone for someone with panic and anxiety.
AA is calling. I’ve found several chapters here; turns out the Philippines have some of the oldest chapters outside the U.S. I guess that shouldn’t surprise me, since the Philippines were basically an American colony for 99 years. At least we imported something!
Oh, I don't mind folks staring. I've been met with nothing short of graciousness here. The only thing that irks me is when I'm walking around with my daughter-in-law. Everyone assumes she's my wife!
Did you know there is a consumer-supported petition pending before the U.S. FDA to have all benzodiazepines carry labeling mirroring that required in Europe, Australia and Canada? Such petitions rarely are successful, but I think this one has legs. It would require warnings that benzos should not be prescribed for longer than two to four weeks, that they’re highly addictive and that they carry significant withdrawal consequences when taken for even a few weeks, let alone a few decades.
It also calls for patients to sign waivers saying their prescribing doctor has fully informed them of all of the above.
Let’s hope.
I've read the BB several times and would love to chat with you about it.
Thanks to all who have responded. I guess I’m in the right place. I have a lot to learn from all of you.
Thanks for sharing. Sleepie, you have nothing but sympathy and respect coming from me. Wow. Just when you get wrapped up in self-wallowing, someone comes along and pulls you up by the heart strings. The crater-strewn road you’ve been on shouldn’t happen to anyone. And the abuse you suffered is obscene. As the father of two daughters, it appalls me that you’ve been through what you have. And I’m sorry you had to endure a stint in a state hospital. Horrid.
I, too, grew up in what I would describe as an abusive family, and my earliest memory is of my mother's first suicide attempt. That was followed by two more (It was the 1960s after her second attempt; I was probably around seven. The solution then was to perform a radical hysterectomy, one only a chauvinistic medical world could come up with; I don’t think anyone thought of cutting any male anatomy to cure depression).
When I was 14 I came home from school to find her inside a running car in a closed garage. She had overdosed on pills, too. on pills. She finally got it right when I was 22, when I was living in Alaska.
She was manic depressive; at least, that’s what her psychiatrist told me. I didn't know who she had been seeing before she committed suicide. I inadvertently tripped through his door seeking help when I was around 28 or so. I had returned from the Army, finished college, and was having a crap load of problems. It took me two sessions to realize he was her shrink, one of those weird ironies of life.
At the time, I blamed him for not saving her, and blamed her for what she had donw. Now, I just accept that my parents were hard working blue-collar types who were just dealing with the cards dealt them. I’ve learned to forgive them, love them, and accept that I miss them. And always will.
I hope you realize that as much as we may ideate suicide as a solution while we’re climbing up out of this hole, it’s not an option. Thinking about it comes with the territory, I guess. But acting on it would leave an irreplaceable void in the lives of those who love us. I've left enough causalities in my wake, and I'm determined to leave no more. I'm sure you know that, or you wouldn't be on this site.
Something I’ve learned: Labels are good for telling what kind of mustard is inside the jar, but they don’t mean a damned thing when stuck on humans.
And Binderdonedat, Thanks, man. These benzos are the wickedest thing I've ever been up against. And I’m really sorry you turned to vodka to get over it. I knew once I had to get off the benzos that drinking wasn't the answer; it cost me too much. I also know that if I drink, that’s it. I think I’ve been offered one more chance to get things right while aboard this ship, and I’m determined to not screw it up.
The list of psychotropic drugs “experts’’ were convinced would solve the problem of me is long: Effexor, Zoloft, Neurontin, Xanax, Mirtazapine, Valium, Klonopin, and many I forget (I wonder why?). Add to the stew the new ones.
I know what you mean about psychiatrists. I had the same shrink for 15 years. At one time, when the tragedies coming my way were too much, he bumped me up to 30 milligrams of Klonopin, and I can find nowhere in the literature where that is an acceptable dosage for epileptics, let alone for someone with panic and anxiety.
AA is calling. I’ve found several chapters here; turns out the Philippines have some of the oldest chapters outside the U.S. I guess that shouldn’t surprise me, since the Philippines were basically an American colony for 99 years. At least we imported something!
Oh, I don't mind folks staring. I've been met with nothing short of graciousness here. The only thing that irks me is when I'm walking around with my daughter-in-law. Everyone assumes she's my wife!
Did you know there is a consumer-supported petition pending before the U.S. FDA to have all benzodiazepines carry labeling mirroring that required in Europe, Australia and Canada? Such petitions rarely are successful, but I think this one has legs. It would require warnings that benzos should not be prescribed for longer than two to four weeks, that they’re highly addictive and that they carry significant withdrawal consequences when taken for even a few weeks, let alone a few decades.
It also calls for patients to sign waivers saying their prescribing doctor has fully informed them of all of the above.
Let’s hope.
I've read the BB several times and would love to chat with you about it.
Thanks to all who have responded. I guess I’m in the right place. I have a lot to learn from all of you.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 167
Benzo withdrawal is hell, no other words for it.
I wish I had never seen them, every other withdrawal I have done has been a rainbow full of dancing bunnies compared to this, nonetheless after learning exactly what they have done to my body I will never do them or alcohol again.
You will get better, it takes time but you will. Have you read the ashton manual?
Here is a very good resource that might help you feel better about your symptoms/recovery
Survey Contents Jun 2007
I wish I had never seen them, every other withdrawal I have done has been a rainbow full of dancing bunnies compared to this, nonetheless after learning exactly what they have done to my body I will never do them or alcohol again.
You will get better, it takes time but you will. Have you read the ashton manual?
Here is a very good resource that might help you feel better about your symptoms/recovery
Survey Contents Jun 2007
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