Resistance
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Cary, NC
Posts: 715
Resistance
ESH—
I balk at change.
Really, I do.
I have my way of doing things and I like my way of doings things. I have my way of looking at the world, my beliefs, my values, my sense of self, and they all make a lot of sense. They all make a lot of sense until they don’t.
Resistance, for me, is about fear. I found out a long time ago that I’d rather be in pain and comfortable than have the chance at a healthy life but face that uncertainty. And I cling—I cling to the way I’m doing things because it’s my way, and I cling to my sense of self because I really think that’s me.
I went home for the holidays and found out my entire family is codependent. We have no sense of boundaries. We feel responsible for each other but not for ourselves. We manipulate and control and that’s the way it’s always been.
The blind spots give me trouble. 22 years of unhealthy behavior, exposed in a short four day visit. So much for my way.
But I still balk, because I don’t know what will happen when I give up those behaviors. I don’t know who I’ll be, how I’ll act, what my life will be like. It’s hard to walk in that uncertainty.
Today I’ve reached the jumping off point – the place where I can let go of those past behaviors and let things take their course. I’m excited and afraid all at the same time and that’s okay too. Progress, not perfection.
But letting go is great too. It’s freeing. When I lose my narrow view of the world, I let go of those expectations, the insane focus on results, the desire to control things instead of letting them go their own way. When I let go, I make room for something more and I realize that all of my things—my sense of self, my views of the world, my way—they’re nothing more than paradigms, things I’ve created to make sense of the world and my place in it. When I let go, I can see the world as it is, and that’s nice too.
Peace.
I balk at change.
Really, I do.
I have my way of doing things and I like my way of doings things. I have my way of looking at the world, my beliefs, my values, my sense of self, and they all make a lot of sense. They all make a lot of sense until they don’t.
Resistance, for me, is about fear. I found out a long time ago that I’d rather be in pain and comfortable than have the chance at a healthy life but face that uncertainty. And I cling—I cling to the way I’m doing things because it’s my way, and I cling to my sense of self because I really think that’s me.
I went home for the holidays and found out my entire family is codependent. We have no sense of boundaries. We feel responsible for each other but not for ourselves. We manipulate and control and that’s the way it’s always been.
The blind spots give me trouble. 22 years of unhealthy behavior, exposed in a short four day visit. So much for my way.
But I still balk, because I don’t know what will happen when I give up those behaviors. I don’t know who I’ll be, how I’ll act, what my life will be like. It’s hard to walk in that uncertainty.
Today I’ve reached the jumping off point – the place where I can let go of those past behaviors and let things take their course. I’m excited and afraid all at the same time and that’s okay too. Progress, not perfection.
But letting go is great too. It’s freeing. When I lose my narrow view of the world, I let go of those expectations, the insane focus on results, the desire to control things instead of letting them go their own way. When I let go, I make room for something more and I realize that all of my things—my sense of self, my views of the world, my way—they’re nothing more than paradigms, things I’ve created to make sense of the world and my place in it. When I let go, I can see the world as it is, and that’s nice too.
Peace.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,445
great post Drac - thanks.
It's still and ongoing process for me - there are many layers to my onion LOL - but I'm guessing you find your 'jumping off' as freeing and as promoting of growth as I did....
D
It's still and ongoing process for me - there are many layers to my onion LOL - but I'm guessing you find your 'jumping off' as freeing and as promoting of growth as I did....
D
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Cary, NC
Posts: 715
Lol, Dee, to be honest I'm fluctuating between pure liberation (i.e. I am responsible only for myself, etc.) and utter fear given the twin circumstances of realizing codependency and graduating - one would be more than enough to handle but both...
I dunno. It's like, by catering toward other people for so long, making others happy, doing what I thought they wanted me to do, I sort of forgot about myself. This can either be seen as a great opportunity 'cause with no structure I can make whatever move I want, or a great difficulty in that I have all these options and am not sure which one to choose. As the quote goes, if you want to tyrannize someone, give them a choice.
But that's really pessimistic. And I'll stop here because I'm getting mopey. If anyone has any advice on how to handle large transitions in sobriety, I'd appreciate it.
I dunno. It's like, by catering toward other people for so long, making others happy, doing what I thought they wanted me to do, I sort of forgot about myself. This can either be seen as a great opportunity 'cause with no structure I can make whatever move I want, or a great difficulty in that I have all these options and am not sure which one to choose. As the quote goes, if you want to tyrannize someone, give them a choice.
But that's really pessimistic. And I'll stop here because I'm getting mopey. If anyone has any advice on how to handle large transitions in sobriety, I'd appreciate it.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: New England
Posts: 5,285
Really well said and I am right there with you
the codependent family....lack of boundaries...loss of personal identity because I was so wrapped up in being who they wanted to be that I never quite figured out who I wanted to be
My life coach says I am discovering my "authentic" self
the codependent family....lack of boundaries...loss of personal identity because I was so wrapped up in being who they wanted to be that I never quite figured out who I wanted to beMy life coach says I am discovering my "authentic" self
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Great Outdoors
Posts: 1,992
"When I lose my narrow view of the world, I let go of those expectations, the insane focus on results, the desire to control things instead of letting them go their own way."
Yeah and in some ways it sounds selfish but this is as it should be. This is an ongoing process for me. Now...sometimes I have found that I misinterpret posts..but what I get out of this is being able to live and let live...there are MANY things I am not in charge of but feel the need to chime in. I do that sometimes with my daughters. I feel like sometimes I can help them avoid a TRAINWRECK just from my life experiences..but...THIS IS THEIR LIFE... Make mistakes and hopefully learn from them. I have to work really hard at just listening to them..sometimes that is all it would take!
I also realized from this site that I am an extreme codie. I have suspected it all along..but there is no doubt now.
And if I got your meaning wrong..it doesn't matter. I learned something from your post!! Thanks Drac!
Yeah and in some ways it sounds selfish but this is as it should be. This is an ongoing process for me. Now...sometimes I have found that I misinterpret posts..but what I get out of this is being able to live and let live...there are MANY things I am not in charge of but feel the need to chime in. I do that sometimes with my daughters. I feel like sometimes I can help them avoid a TRAINWRECK just from my life experiences..but...THIS IS THEIR LIFE... Make mistakes and hopefully learn from them. I have to work really hard at just listening to them..sometimes that is all it would take!
I also realized from this site that I am an extreme codie. I have suspected it all along..but there is no doubt now.
And if I got your meaning wrong..it doesn't matter. I learned something from your post!! Thanks Drac!
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: dayton, oh
Posts: 487
Draciack
I read a book last year that helped me to let go of my beliefs, called Your Sacred Self by Wayne Dyer. He states that your beliefs are what others have taught you, not what you know. I am 37 and just learning about myself, I am very proud of what you have accomplished and discovered about yourself at such a young age.
SH
I read a book last year that helped me to let go of my beliefs, called Your Sacred Self by Wayne Dyer. He states that your beliefs are what others have taught you, not what you know. I am 37 and just learning about myself, I am very proud of what you have accomplished and discovered about yourself at such a young age.
SH
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