My first relapse.
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 223
My first relapse.
I had 63 days completely sober and I finally relapsed. Its amazing how textbook this is. This was bound to happen and I am glad it did. I am very ashamed that I broke down, but I feel if I hadn't at this point, it would have happened eventually. This is the first time I have ever actually given myself to the program and realized that I need to stop using substances. There is a long history of addicts in my family so I am very familiar with addiction, recovery, AA, rehabs, etc. Knowledge of addiction means nothing until you have experienced it yourself. Over the years, I abused drugs and alcohol, but was not necessarily a full blown addict yet. Or at least didn't recognize it yet. I have always been the "functional" one. I am good at that. But that has to come to an end sometime and it has for me. I did some coke last summer after not really doing any drugs for almost decade. I relized right then that I would never feel the same about that drug again. Everything has always been free so it became harder to say no. I can't do coke without drinking so alcohol became my problem as well. Long story short, it got to be too much, missing every Monday at work lol. I decided I needed to quit, that was in October. I went to my first meeting for myself. I relate to everyone there, but just like everyone else, I thought I was different. Some stresses got to me and I decided to get drunk the other night. I don't know why, but it wasn't even worth it! As shameful as I am about this, I am still glad it happened. The worst thing is I will have to be honext about this to my stepmom who has 12 years. I know she will understand though. I guess its just another mark in my journey to be healthy again. I hope I don't keep forgetting where I came from. I have yet to lose everything in my life but I have a lot to lose if I keep going. Hopefully I can take this experience and learn. Thank you for listening.
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Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
1983 ... congratulations on one day back. No matter how long we've been sober denial is always perched on our shoulder. I've read that relapsing is considered part of alcoholism. I keep going to meetings because I can forget I'm an alcoholic. This is a valuable lesson you have and useful for all alcoholics to hear.
You'll find a lot of support and useful information here.Member
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 223
Thanks! I realized that I started forgetting what brought me here in the first place. That is one thing I never want to forget, but for some reason, its so easily forgotten. Hopefully I don't need much more to remind me of those feelings.
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 223
I felt like I was waiting to relapse. This time, I will be honest with myself. There's no more questions. I know I am an addict. I realize I have the potential to be addicted to anything. I thought "alcohol has never been my problem" but now I understand where that thinking gets you. I know how good I feel when I am sober and I like where that life leads.
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Join Date: Apr 2009
Posts: 3,095
Great, 1983ritag, you've gained some self-knowledge! Now, it comes down to the question of whether that self-knowledge is sufficient to keep you sober. It wasn't for me, and I kept increasing my knowledge base over and over and over until I surrendered to the fact that no amount of self-knowledge would keep me sober.
That little fact, learned at the end of jails, lost jobs, and broken homes, was the start of my becoming recovered from alcoholism through AA's 12 Steps.
That little fact, learned at the end of jails, lost jobs, and broken homes, was the start of my becoming recovered from alcoholism through AA's 12 Steps.
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 223
i feel so bad
About what I did. I didn't go to work today. Everyone is wondering where I am at. I can't even talk to my best friend. I can't wait to make it past this day again....yes hopefully I have found my bottom. Now sure how much lower I have to go? Thank you all for your advice and support.
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,444
Welcome 1983ritag
Try to not beat yourself up too much - what's done is done - learn from it and move on.
An excess of shame or guilt led me back to the bottle more than once.
I don't believe relapse is inevitable tho -I do think it's part of the disease, not a part of recovery - so I guess it's a pretty common experience for most of us until we get it right. It just means you have to look at what you need to add to your personal programme this time.
You'll find a lot of understanding and support here though.
It's good to have you with us
D
Try to not beat yourself up too much - what's done is done - learn from it and move on.
An excess of shame or guilt led me back to the bottle more than once.
I don't believe relapse is inevitable tho -I do think it's part of the disease, not a part of recovery - so I guess it's a pretty common experience for most of us until we get it right. It just means you have to look at what you need to add to your personal programme this time.
You'll find a lot of understanding and support here though.
It's good to have you with us
D
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