Marinainlove

I am not sure if this board is for questions regarding living with an alcholic, but I am not really sure where to start, and this website appeared when I searched for online assistance.
I have been in a relationship for a year and half with a man who I love dearly. In the beginning we enjoyed going to restaurants or eating at home and having wine, but I started to realize early on that this person has a serious problem. He drinks every single day. I am not exagerating when I say every single day.
We are living in a touristic town in the Carribean, where it is not really strange to see smiling folks having margaritas early in the afternoon. My partner is unable to drink hard alcohol, as he instantly gets sick, however he drinks 5- 6 beer a day, and sometimes wine, and it starts by 12 in the afternoon.
It is a struggle for me, because I do enjoy wine as well, but I do not feel it is problem for me.
Recently our sex life has completely stopped, as he is also a chronic pot smoker, has spent a good amount of his life using drugs, cocaine, ect.....That is an occasional maybe once or twice a month now.
I love him, as he is beautiful and brilliant, but I am finding myself depressed lately because we live in paradise, and never spend time together doing beautiful things, like walking on the beach, visiting other places, ect.
He is a painter and is often waiting for his paintings to sell, and I take on the jobs that offer a predictable income.
The situation sounds terrible for those on the outside, I am aware of that. As I know what advice I would give a friend if she was in the same situation. But my heart is involved and I am scared to be alone, although I feel I am alone now.
I asked told him last night I thought he was a sick man, and that I am trying to find balance in my life now and I am choosing not to even touch alcohol again. I said, it is challenging being with a man who never wants to sleep with me unless he takes cocaine. I am a beautiful woman, talented with music, and yoga teacher as well. As I write this I realize how ridiculous it really does sound.
I just want help, and I do not want to leave him, because I love him, and I want to help him.
My father is an alcoholic and I fear my life will end up like my mothers, but I am scared to leave, as I mentioned before. I have been at a creative dead end for a while now and I rarely practice yoga. It is depressing me.
I am looking for insight as to deal with this personality.
When I ask him if he chooses alcohol and drugs over me he tells me, yes he does because he does not want a controlling woman in his life.

Please Advise with compassion and understanding if you can....
Blessings,

doggonecarl

First, welcome to SR. I would suggest popping over to our Friends and Family of Alcoholics forum. Lots of folks in your situation that can offer advice.

Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

I am a recovering alcoholic. None of my girlfriends could ever get me to change. My actions proved that I picked alcohol and drugs over a relationship with a loving woman. Your ABF is not only demonstating that...he told you as much.

imatryinhard

Hi Mainlandlove: Like doggonecarl, I too am a recovering alcoholic. None of my boyfriends could ever get me to change either. I've also had an ABF who I couldn't have paid him or loved him ever enough to quit drinking when I wanted to get clean. It's all really a mess. Relationships are already challenging enough as it is - millions of people worldwide would attest to that - so add the Alcoholic factor to a relationship - it just doesn't work. Nomatter how you try to rework the equation the answer always end up being the same - a doomed relationship - at least from my experience.

Good luck to you. All the best!

Mark75

Too soon, I think to say this relationship is doomed... however you guys have a lot of work to do.... both of you. He needs to be willing, though. Is he?

One thing though, take of yourself... Start your yoga, take walks on the beach... don't tie your well being to his.

Check out Friends and Family.

Welcome to SR

imatryinhard

You're right anything is possible. I was just writing from my experience. Right now I am new to recovery and the detriment of it all is to raw to be in denial about any of what transpired over the years.

Mark75

My wife and I, we are OK, but it's been tough sometimes, recovery sure is hard on relationships, and that's even after the toll of active addiction... Prayers to you imatryinhard

imatryinhard

Thank you! I need all the prayers I can get. When I started coming to SR (a few days ago) I read the posts from people who are affected by alcoholics. I was pretty upset about their posts because it is sad to me to think of other who were hurt from my destructiveness. UGH. Cannot wait to feel less angry about all of this and feel a sense of relief and forgiveness.

Mark75

Get recovered, that is what you can do. Stick around, SR has been a big help to me, and it comes, sometimes, in surprising ways!

Mark

imatryinhard

Will do!

Marinainlove

Well, it seems like his choice has been made. He would prefer to leave a very loving supportive relationship.
Saludos,
Darlene

imatryinhard

I am so sorry. <3
One thing we all have to do - one day at time. It'll get better.

Dee74

I'm sorry for your situation Darlene.
I hope you'll still visit our F and F forums - you'll find a lot of support there too.

D