aasharon90

Hi Im Sharon and Im an
Alcoholic.

By the grace of my HP
and people like here
in SR I havent found
it necessary to pick
up a drink of alcohol
since 8-11-90.

For that and u I am
truely grateful.


Sure we can find all
sorts of reasons to drink
or use, but in the long
run it is not worth it.

It's not the huge big
obsticals in life that
trigger us to want to
use or drink, but rather
those little pesky things
that irritate the heck
out of us.

For example....

I can walk the isle of
Walmart and see oodles
of liquor gifts all boxed
up pretty and ready to
buy as gifts. However
I have time to play my
tapes of why I don't want
to go there before i
check out.


Fast forward a few hours,
and here I am hungry and
ready to sit down to my
Taco Bell, when I hear
my husband voice call
my name in worry.

We just purchased a new
automatic cat litter box
wheening my 2 adult cats
from the old fashion poop
and scoop litter box.

They adapted well in
2 days with maybe one
or 2 incidinces.

One cat decides to christin
his little bed that is under
a bed saturating it. I washed
it and placed it back after
seeing him go to the new
box.

Yesterday while out and
about, he decides to repeat
saturating his bed again. Ugh..! lol

I wasnt ready for that again,
esp. when i was ready to eat.

I then snapped at my spouse
upon irritation and without
notice.

I cleaned up quickly and sat
down to my Taco Bell settling
down and feeling quilty for
snapping so ubruptly.

I did reflect on my behavior
and made my amends accordingly.

Thinking back on my behavior
this morning, I could have easily
picked up a drink if it was
available in my home. It would
have been so easy to numb
the aggrivation of such a small
inncident.

Thank God I have a program
of recovery to live by because
I had time to settle down, take
care of my H.A.L.T. , refect,
make amends and move on
without drinking.

Of course I couldnt drink
because there is no alcohol
in my home nor ever will be.

If i did, then i would have
drunk.

Those little pesky life
problems can surely get
the best of anyone if
not armed with a program
of recovery to secure ur
sobriety.

yeahgr8

For me, if i had to contend with thinking through walking down the booze section of the supermarket or after a 'fight' with spouse i would be drunk everytime...i had no mental defense in the end...good for you though:-)

aasharon90

Your right about not having
mental defense about taking
a drink. I too would have
drunk a many a times in
early recovery if I hadnt
had a program to help me
think it thru.

Steps of recovery to guide
me when I was weak. When
the impulse was too strong.

Meaning my will power
never worked.

If i had to rely on it
even today it still wouldnt
work.

NEOMARXIST

Thanks for the post Sharon. I admire your honesty and the reality is that yes, at times, relapse indeed would be an easy option. But like you say it simply isn't worth it for all of the hell that would follow.

Thank you Sharon

Peace and Love

yeahgr8

I dont understand the thinking it through bit...never had to do that since working the steps and ive done a lot in sobriety...life wise i mean...the whole point was that the mental obsession was removed so drinking is not even a fleeting thought anymore...that was the promise and it came true...just wanted to clarify what i meant..im not making a point or anything:-)

least

I am pleased to say that relapse is no longer an option for me. I'm too happy in my sober life to throw it away for any reason. Drinking has been replaced with an attitude of gratitude and an inner welspring of joy.

Freedom1990

I don't understand the thinking it through thing either, to be honest.

I too have been relieved of the mental obsession.

SDSurfn

Sitting here at Day 9. I long for the day when the mental obsession is removed.

Cuz it ain't removed from my brain yet, i can tell you that.

this day seems to be dragging. And the old thoughts are starting to swim in my head.

i really hope i don't give in. i don't want to throw 9 days away.

how do i chase these thoughts away.

Freedom1990

I chased those thoughts away by being proactive in my own recovery. I attended meetings, worked through the steps, got involved in service work, and picked up that phone to call someone else in the program when my brain was running rampant.

aasharon90

I'm an alcoholic and I did enjoy
drinking? Didn't you? An alcoholic
never forgets how it tastes, esp.
your favorite drink. An alcoholic
never forgets the feeling that came
with it. Right?

An alcohol will be an alcoholic
till the day they die.

No one has to know cause
my program of recovery is
an anonymous one.

However i know deep within
my gut that as an alcoholic
i can't drink sucessfully. Now
or ever.

I dont sit here dreaming
of the day i could drink
sucessfully again cause it
will never happen.

There are many who have
had long lengths of recovery
with same thoughts as I
have shared.

Never will I ever drink cause
I remember what happened to
me. Then one day they just
drink.

No explaination of why.

It just happened.

Ive learned to never say
never to a drink cause
that could possibly be me.

However, not as long as
I live a program of recovery
set down before me a day
at a time.

Cottonwoodchris

Sharon, thank you for that wonderful post. I agree, at this stage of my recovery (82 days, after relapsing after 3 years) I do have to "talk myself out of it" sometimes. It would be so easy to just pick up a bottle, then it would be back to a bottle a day. I'd pick up right where I left off. Even with a support group (a fantastic NA meeting I found) phone numbers, and SR, I still have rough moments. When they happen, I just get busy and get my alcoholic brain working on daily chores, like cleaning litter boxes. Grab the dust mop. Clean up the bathroom. Wash and wax the car. Watch some Netflix, or get off my lazy butt and actually go for a drive.

Will power, for a lot of us, just isn't enough. Will the sudden urges go away? I doubt it for me. I'm an alcoholic, and always will be. I simply believe in my Higher Power, work the steps, and tell myself, "I'm not going to drink today".

aasharon90

The urges will weaken as
each day sober passes u
by.

I think urges will always
be there, just not as noticeable
or strong as it is in the
beginning stages of recovery.

Today we have many other
ways to avoid not taking
drink or drug.

And avoiding them doesnt
mean you have to deal with
them alone. That is why this
is a "WE" program and not an
"I" program.

Im soooooo glad I didn't
have to learn to stay sober
on my own. There were to
many times I tried to stay
sober to only relapse again
and again.

The fellowship of AA or NA
has been a blessing and gift
in my recovery.

Dee74

Not sure how we go onto the topic from your initial post, but I'm with you Sharon - I have my 'tapes' too, and the technique works for me

Thanks for your share

D

yeahgr8

Well as you talked a little more about it, the whole point of working the steps is so that the mental obsession is removed...you have to work the steps for this to happen though...ask your sponsor about the promises, there are many and all come true if you do the work...if you dont they wont:-)

You can play tapes/think it through or have freedom from alcohol completely...the choice is yours and is there for anyone who wants it...

fragrantrose

thanks sharon for your great posts!
Day 6... am a relapser and truly feel that I cannot go through the pain of another drink cycle.. instead of just thinking about it have taken action step and gone back to AA..SO relieved.
Just have to remember.. whatever happens ..just dont pick up THAT 1st drink.

Cottonwoodchris

I agree 100%, gr8, but for me it's not that easy. I have an "addictive personality" (as my shrink called it) I have a terrific sponsor who calls me out on my bull crap all the time. There is no stupid excuse I can make that he doesn't see right thru. I credit him, SR and my NA group for this 82 days sober. I would surely have relapsed or be dead without them.

Even tho some of us do the work (I know I'm not alone in this aspect) and do the steps, our brains just don't seem to get it. For me, it's still a struggle some days. I have to play the tapes. Remember I was on dialysis for 6 weeks. Had my heart restarted 3 times in the ER. Couldn't get out of bed to poop. Total humiliation. But after 3 years, I drank again. Stupid, stupid, stupid. Or, just an alcoholic brain. It creeps in, that niggling thought, "I can have just one" No matter all the reading, steps, knowledge, it just pops in, and I have to deal with it. I've been doing OK so far, I just have to take it one day at a time.

Thanks, Sharon, I guess I de-railed your Topic. It's been one of those "manic Mondays" and I'm trying to keep it on the right path. And thank all the rest of you for being here. My "long distance family".

aasharon90

Dee....i do wander off the
topic often cause I have so
much to share.

However there r some
good shares here, right?

Carry on....lol

Dee74

We'll blame Manic Monday Sharon
I'm singing the song now...LOL

D

SDSurfn

thanks for sharing everyone.

i got past my little pity party.

i will not pick up a drink today.

i will greet Day 10 tomorrow.

thanks,

-SD

Dee74

good work Sd

We all get a little discouraged sometimes - how it works for me is you reach out, think about the things you're grateful for, get a little strength from somewhere, and keep going

D