Seekinghope23

First off I had posted here before and I had said that it was the last time I would ever drink......yeah right. I am so pissed at myself. Why can I not do what I know I need to do and stop drinking!!!! Last night I probably drank close to 16-18 beers. I can't remember I was so drunk. I can't take this anymore. I am so tired of feeling so tired. I feel like I'm losing my mind. I swear to god and myself that this is the last straw. It's either quit now or end up in jail, or in the hospital with liver disease. I don't want either of those. I already feel like my health is deteriorating and the worse part is I'm only 29. My kidneys hurt, I feel tired most of the day....I don't want to feel like this anymore. Sorry I just need to vent right now.

sobermax

Hey SH,

I hear you! It all seems impossible at times like this, but it isn't.

At the bottom of Pandora's box was hope.

SM.

Seekinghope23

Thanks sobermax.

I've been to this point a number of times before and each time I have let myself down. I feel like a fool and I'm tired of acting like one. It is a wonder how I have not drank myself to death or even worse killed someone while I was driving to get the beer Im slowly killing myself with. I am not this person damn it!!!! I was raised better than this. I am embarrassing myself along with all the people I love and I'm tired of it.

Anna

I know for certain that this disease is relentless.

I'm glad you're back and trying again. There is always hope and that is so important.

Know that you can do this!

Seekinghope23

Thank you Anna.

I wanna do more than try this time. I can't deal with this anymore. I feel like I'm in hell. If I don't stop now, I feel like I am going to lose my mind.

glitterfairy

Your post was my life before I got sober. Again and again. It wasn't unitl I started the 12 steps, got a sponsor and really got serious. My life was like what you described and then it got worse...fast.
Keep coming back. Fill that void with something else positive.
We are all here for you.
Maybe you're just so sick of it this time that you'll give it up. I can't even list all the positive changes in my life since quitting.
Hang in there.
Grab onto the life line of AA.

least

I hope this can be your last relapse.

Seekinghope23

Thanks least and glitterfairy.

I am done with simply just hoping. I will make this my last relapse. I always thought that drinking helped to take all the stress and pain of my actions or simply just the day away. I will tell you life is never bad.....unless I'm drinking. I want to like my life again.

LaFemme

Hi! I totally hear where you are coming from...I tried to quit a million time before I did...most of the time I didn't stay quit for a full 24 hours...my longest record was 7 days....so what have you tried in the past and what are you willing to try today? From what I have seen here saying you are going to quit usually doesn't do the trick all by itself.

We are here to support and encourage you:-)

Kmber2010

SH - Glad you are here and ready to get started on the journey again.

I felt literally the way you described in your post and my relapse was my last. I just couldn't take it anymore or that life and it was then that I committed to doing whatever it took to get and stay sober - recovery.

You can do this and we are here for you

Seekinghope23

LaFemme,

I have been drinking, mostly binge drinking, for the better part of 9 years. I had gotten so drunk one night that I did something that was not pretty and ended up having to move in with my parents. I quit for over a year. Then I moved out onto my own started drinking again, not a lot, but enough and then it spiraled into something that I once again couldn't control and ended up in the hospital from alcohol poisoning. I think I quit for a couple months then as well and then I moved in with my brother. I was drinking quite a bit then and I moved in with my parents again for a month but that didn't hold. During all those times I quit, the next day was always about how I missed alcohol. I won't miss it this time. I HATE IT!

Seekinghope23

Thank you Kim.

This is absolutely the last time. Like I said my mind can just not take this insanity anymore. My life is a train wreck right now and I'm tired of living in the debris. Picking up the pieces is never easy but I've come to realize that it's gotta be better than just laying in them.

Hollyanne

Hi Seeking,
I hear you loud and clear!!!!! I think maybe a few of us around here might understand you!
Get it into your head that you will get better. I just joked to a friend yesterday,
"You think I am nuts? Try being with me 24/7!"
Try and just tolerate yourself for the day.
Do not drink. Today.
Forget tomorrow. Concentrate on today. We can do this for one day.
I am slowly figuring it out. Each F-up leads to understanding.
We drink for a reason.
Why do you drink?
Does your mind race?
Do you think of the past?
Things you have done?
Things that have been done to you?
You are very young. You can sweep away everything up to now.
Start again.
I am not saying FORGET the past.
For right now, just let it all go. Be here now. Go to your brother maybe and get him to go for coffee. Go people watching. Get distracted. Just today, put drinking on the backburner. Forget tomorrow. I was a bit obsessed with daycounts (the last time I effed up) So, now I am doing one day.
I allowed the conversation of "will I, won't I?" too much! It got so it was inevitable. WTF!
AA? Some people hate it, but I was just so glad to be in the company of people who understood. I just keep going. For the company and support. Get the Big Book and read the first 100+pages. Be warned, I have to read the page 3 times before it actually goes in!
It is strangely comforting to know, that we have a condition that makes us not suitable for drinking. It may have started innocent enough but now we have no control and never will.
I am just saying right now, When I think of a drink (tiny time allowed),
I am not thinking of sitting with a glass of wine with a friend. I am thinking more along the lines of; a bottle of vodka, diet coke, and not even remembering the second drink. I would get up in the morning from a blackout and if there is anything left, I would finish it and go back to bed in a complete stupor and full of fear and the "horrors".
Now, going back to the friend, I would be happy to have a slew of coffees/teas.
Isn't that how it is?
So, for now, just pick yourself up, be nice to yourself. Have a shower,tidy yourself up and give yourself the day off. You just do not buy alcohol. Identify trigger time. For me, definitely evening. Go through it! You cannot do it without the pain of that. But how in the hey could it be worse than how you are feeling now?
I am really really feeling for you. I know that you can come here and read all sorts of things that help. Try AA. If nothing, it will be an hour out of the evening. Hook up with someone for a coffee after or have a buddy collect you so you do not go straight to liquor store! Oh yea, done that!! A lot!
We basically CANNOT deal with emotion, good, bad or indifferent.
OK, if you haven't fallen asleep reading this, you have done well!
I am going to say a prayer for us all in the same boat and sent positive vibes your way.
Big hugs,

Spawn

welcome to the group

Kjell

AA has a design for living that might just work for you.

I know I needed a new design, a new way to live. I also needed to change who I was or the same me will drink again and again and again. Maybe this is true with you too?

Seekinghope23

Hollyanne, thank you for writing that and you are right the one day at a time is the only way this is going to work for me. Every other time I have quit, besides for the year, I have set myself up to fail. Its always "If I just make it through this first week, I'll be ok."

Oh I would always make it through that week but then I would say to myself that wasn't so hard. Huh maybe I'm not an alcoholic...WRONG! I've known what I have been doing to myself is very wrong and slowly killing me. Yet I still do it. The synonym for alcohol (and this is coming from a alcoholic so it pertains to me and not the people who can socially drink) is insanity.

I don't want to be insane anymore. So.....I have made it through today with no booze. I feel good albeit very tired. Booze does rob you of the deep regenerating sleep that the body needs. Looking forward to getting a good nights sleep. Well thank you everyone for listening to me and letting me vent a little. I love the support and encouragement of this place. Its comforting to know that this can be done and you all are a testament. Well goodnight everybody.

artsoul

Glad you're getting back to sobriety. Like you, I finally figured out that I would continue to drink even when everything in me knew it was slowly destroying my life.
I hang onto this forum and the input/stories of everyone here, and I do it daily. It's like having my own pain and hope in front of me in posts just like yours. I don't ever want to forget day 1 either.

I know you can do it - just keep reaching out and hanging on. It can only get better from here.:ghug3

Opivotal

IMO when you've had enough, you've had ENOUGH! You get to the point of hating alcohol and the way it is destroying your life. Sounds like your there. This is the most important thing you can do for yourself. Go for it Seeking. It won't be easy, but the path you've been on is a lot harder. Stay Positive!

Best Wishes To You :ghug3