New again, long story.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Tucson, AZ
Posts: 650
New again, long story.
I'll try to tell you the short version...
I am 11 days clean today. I was about 50 days clean when I stopped taking my medications, because I was still having terrible mood swings, and I figured stopping the pills (Effexor and Invega) was no big deal, since they weren't working anyway.
Of course, I think I had just forgotten how crazy and extreme my emotions could be.
The first day without meds I decided for some reason to take about 200mg of benadryl and 1200mg of neurontin. This was a bad idea for many reasons, not the least of which was that a) I had a drug abuse class that morning and would need to drive, and b) (which I didn't know until then) I am allergic to benadryl. I got a bit more of a buzz than I expected, so I knew I would have to admit to a relapse, even though I didn't like the feeling. So on my way home I picked up a few of my OTC DoCs, which I had never taken together, but decided to to see what happened.
What happened was that I had lots of insane muscle spasms and it made me do things like throwing my body at the tile floor full force. I have a lot of bruises because of this!
The next day I was so sick of having had a relapse without remotely enjoying it, so I decided to pick up more of my DoC and took an entire box (about half a gram, when I usually take about 300mg) and I didn't look for the straight dex either, I bought CCCs which are much more dangerous. I didn't care, I wanted to die. At least I thought I did.
I felt higher than usual this time, and started to feel my rapid heart rate and almost took a second box, which would probably kill me, so I called 911 instead.
Got rushed to the ER, they pumped my stomach along with all the typical stuff, and they had me on a heart monitor for a long time until it went back to normal stage.
A guy from the local mental health dept asked me some questions and if I felt like a danger to myself or others. Which I was, because all I was thinking about is going home and popping another box of CCCs.
I only vaguely remember an ambulance ride and arriving someplace I didn't know, where they took my clothes and made me wear this paper scrubs outfit that was way too big.
The first 3 or 4 days I was on the adult unit. I remember having nightmare after nightmare, but only just barely getting up the energy to eat something before falling back to sleep. A couple times I apparently freaked out, though I can't remember what about, but I remember tearing up my book of mormon, and ripping a soap dispenser off the wall. It too 3 nurses to hold me down and give me a shot of Geodine and Ativan, which I kept telling them not to give me. They did anyway, and they transfered me to acute care which has less patients an more staff.
I spent 11 days total there, just got out last night.
I am not sure what to do or how to feel. I did EVERYTHING that was suggested to me before. Go to meetings (90 in 90), work with my sponsor, do the steps,call someone, get involved, be of service, etc. Why do I keep relapsing? Other people are here for years and know less about the program than me. I have been in for 6 months total now and have read the basic text cover to cover, so I can usually give someone a good answer to their problems based on the book, but no one does (or should) take my advice without a grain of salt, because I am a mess and I can't stay clean.
Oh, they also gave me ambien for sleep and I was up the next 3 days hearing and seeing things, and now I see and hear things too and I'm wondering if it's a med I don't have or one I get too much of, etc. I feel just crazy. Scared to be home because I feel so crazy!
I am 11 days clean today. I was about 50 days clean when I stopped taking my medications, because I was still having terrible mood swings, and I figured stopping the pills (Effexor and Invega) was no big deal, since they weren't working anyway.
Of course, I think I had just forgotten how crazy and extreme my emotions could be.
The first day without meds I decided for some reason to take about 200mg of benadryl and 1200mg of neurontin. This was a bad idea for many reasons, not the least of which was that a) I had a drug abuse class that morning and would need to drive, and b) (which I didn't know until then) I am allergic to benadryl. I got a bit more of a buzz than I expected, so I knew I would have to admit to a relapse, even though I didn't like the feeling. So on my way home I picked up a few of my OTC DoCs, which I had never taken together, but decided to to see what happened.
What happened was that I had lots of insane muscle spasms and it made me do things like throwing my body at the tile floor full force. I have a lot of bruises because of this!
The next day I was so sick of having had a relapse without remotely enjoying it, so I decided to pick up more of my DoC and took an entire box (about half a gram, when I usually take about 300mg) and I didn't look for the straight dex either, I bought CCCs which are much more dangerous. I didn't care, I wanted to die. At least I thought I did.
I felt higher than usual this time, and started to feel my rapid heart rate and almost took a second box, which would probably kill me, so I called 911 instead.
Got rushed to the ER, they pumped my stomach along with all the typical stuff, and they had me on a heart monitor for a long time until it went back to normal stage.
A guy from the local mental health dept asked me some questions and if I felt like a danger to myself or others. Which I was, because all I was thinking about is going home and popping another box of CCCs.
I only vaguely remember an ambulance ride and arriving someplace I didn't know, where they took my clothes and made me wear this paper scrubs outfit that was way too big.
The first 3 or 4 days I was on the adult unit. I remember having nightmare after nightmare, but only just barely getting up the energy to eat something before falling back to sleep. A couple times I apparently freaked out, though I can't remember what about, but I remember tearing up my book of mormon, and ripping a soap dispenser off the wall. It too 3 nurses to hold me down and give me a shot of Geodine and Ativan, which I kept telling them not to give me. They did anyway, and they transfered me to acute care which has less patients an more staff.
I spent 11 days total there, just got out last night.
I am not sure what to do or how to feel. I did EVERYTHING that was suggested to me before. Go to meetings (90 in 90), work with my sponsor, do the steps,call someone, get involved, be of service, etc. Why do I keep relapsing? Other people are here for years and know less about the program than me. I have been in for 6 months total now and have read the basic text cover to cover, so I can usually give someone a good answer to their problems based on the book, but no one does (or should) take my advice without a grain of salt, because I am a mess and I can't stay clean.
Oh, they also gave me ambien for sleep and I was up the next 3 days hearing and seeing things, and now I see and hear things too and I'm wondering if it's a med I don't have or one I get too much of, etc. I feel just crazy. Scared to be home because I feel so crazy!
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,445
I'm sorry you had to go through all that - I wondered what happned to you.
I'm glad you're back
.
I'll leave the 12 steps questions to others, but I think it's pretty important to keep taking your meds, One.
All the steps in the world aren't going to be enough if you're not taking care of yourself medically IMO.
Did you go back to your doctor to discuss why the meds didn't seem to be working last time?
D
I'm glad you're back
.I'll leave the 12 steps questions to others, but I think it's pretty important to keep taking your meds, One.
All the steps in the world aren't going to be enough if you're not taking care of yourself medically IMO.
Did you go back to your doctor to discuss why the meds didn't seem to be working last time?
D
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Tucson, AZ
Posts: 650
didn't have the chance. Or rather, I didn't realize they weren't working. I come in, she asks some questions, she orders me a refill, and I go get it. That's how it's been. I have a hard time finding a psychiatrist who doesn't favor his or her "Pet drugs" ie: she wants you on celexa, is taking notes with a celexa pen on a celexa clip board. I am hoping she will be okay with my new meds, since I didn't even decide to change them, I was just off them for a few days. My Dr. at the behavioral center changed my scrips up quite a bit before we found a combo we liked (and she also valued my input in my own meds, since I know what drugs I have tried, what they did for me, etc. She tried me on lithium for a bit but I had such side effects that she discontinued that and gave me another non-addictive drug for anxiety. I am picking up the scrip tonight (got it late yesterday evening, and the pharmacy was closed this morning). Hopefully it helps.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,513
Hi,
I am sorry that you have gone through all this.
I am so glad that you are still trying to work out a combination of meds that works for you. Keep talking to your dr and health care providers until you feel that they listen and that you feel comfortable.
I am sorry that you have gone through all this.
I am so glad that you are still trying to work out a combination of meds that works for you. Keep talking to your dr and health care providers until you feel that they listen and that you feel comfortable.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Oklahoma
Posts: 52
Hi there, you've had a hard 11 days. Please don't be mean to yourself, that doesn't do your recovery process any easier. You have already paid the price for your mistake, don't keep punishing.
It is important to be very engaged with your doctor about your daily medications. Stopping them abruptly HURTS, as you know. If you don't like Celexa (or whatever) be vocal about it.
My doctor does not want me on Ambien because it is too close to xanax. I am taking Paxil, Seroquel, Lyrica, and Darvocet (for fibromyalgia flair up that I'm having right now).
I hope that you find the right combo. It's hard work, but keep after it.
It is important to be very engaged with your doctor about your daily medications. Stopping them abruptly HURTS, as you know. If you don't like Celexa (or whatever) be vocal about it.
My doctor does not want me on Ambien because it is too close to xanax. I am taking Paxil, Seroquel, Lyrica, and Darvocet (for fibromyalgia flair up that I'm having right now).
I hope that you find the right combo. It's hard work, but keep after it.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Tucson, AZ
Posts: 650
I just want to feel better. I want to have good reasons to laugh and cry, feel joy and sadness. I want my emotions to make sense. I want my anxiety to go away or at least die down, without meds that are addictive/I'm allergic to/make me hallucinate/make me fall asleep/make me groggy or incoherent/have too many side effects. I have been on too many anxiety pills. Also, I am a little manic the past few days, and talking fast and loud about God only knows what. Apparently I told some guy I was a prostitute. I have no recollection of this, but he swears I told him I was a prostitute! I start conversations mid-sentence, mid-thought, and forget what I'm talking about...
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: ft. lauderdale florida
Posts: 275
Oh, Onewithwings, I don't even know what to say. I'm just sending lots lof love and light your way. It is going to be okay. Try listening to a meditation cd and lie down and listen when you start to hallucinate. I know when I was awake for 2 days that happened to me. My heart goes out to you, stay strong....This too shall pass.
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