michelle01

This has come up lately again for me. I've seen some very sad statistics relating the incidence of abuse in childhood to alcoholism. While I can't claim that, I did have a few other factors present that made early life difficult. The picture can be complicated by many things.

I do regard myself however as an outright alcoholic, and I sought specific treatment for it, as I sought specific treatment for my depression and anxiety disorders. Speaking for myself, I don't like them overlapping too much, but I feel that I addressed both in the appropriate way.

wpainterw

joedris: Yes, I do like the bit about the fellow in the jungle trying to find the mosquito who bit him. And I agree that the main thing, no doubt the "only thing" as Jogi Berra might have said, is "What do we do about it now?" Not what "caused" it. Except maybe if somehow the question of the "cause" becomes relevant to what we do about it. And there's a trap here for the unwary. For example if it is assumed that "As soon as I fully realize that I drank because my parents abused me as a child then maybe I can drink again." Or "I'm bipolar and as soon as they get my meds straghtened out then I'm off to the liquor store." Or.... Or.... Well you can fill in the rest. "Dr. Denial, your patient is waiting in cubicle three, no longer being abused by his dad but dead drunk!"

W.

Kjell

I know for me, personally, I wanted to know what was wrong with me so I could then treat myself properly.

Kjell

wpainterw

Thanks Memphis Blues! I'm really impressed with your insight. Yes, part of the denial is that we tend to blame others. As you say I was often not honest with the doctor. Didn't give him the whole story. I was addicted and the part of me that wanted to protect the addiction didn't want to level with the outside world.
It took me a long while to see that. Too long. You seem to be seeing that yourself. One of the wonderful things about recovery is that gradually you regain your ability to introspect, be honest with yourself and with others, see what you've really been up to. That's what makes some folks feel ashamed. Part of the program is to help with that shame. Nothing to be ashamed of. Something to be proud of now that you can see a way out. Thanks again.

W.

Presstoe

There's so much here that rings true for me. Actually, I did a lot of really wild, fun and stupid things last summer fueled by booze and pot, but there was another factor in the equation... Cymbalta. Neomarxist hit it right there and it was different and worse when I was on antidepressants.

So realizing the problem, after having some friends of mine appalled at the stories I told them (none of it seemed to be a problem to me at all- what the heck, sleeping with an 18 year old, he was legal and he loved it, what a compliment for me!!! Ouch, was I that stupid?)

I did what needed to be done, stopped the Cymbalta, stopped seeing the doctor, stopped playing and partying and fell into an ever deepening depression. Now I'm going back to the doctor again next week to be totally honest about what happened and try to deal with my depression because my life is completely, soberly joyless...

There's something about the combo between the meds and drinking. For me the drinks always have to be caffeinated too, because it's no fun to get tired... drinking is a problem even if it's not all the time, but I can say that I had many pre-existing problems since I was a child before I ever drank. I think I'm addicted to action, thrills, attention, trouble, something- I feel like I should use this energy for something more constructive!

I just love the first post Painter, how bold to tell it like it is!

wpainterw

O.K. Presstoe: Take up skiing. My grandson is into "extreme skiing". He likes to go off the trail and ski through the woods. A few months ago he hit a tree and broke his arm. A reality check? No way! Now he just says he's "more careful" not to hit a tree and he's into doing flips (somersaults). You like wild stuff? This is it. I try to tell him that statistically there's a problem, like if there is even a 2 percent chance of hitting a tree. But that's the way alcoholics think (he's not one). They figure they can outwit the system somehow. ("I'll be real careful driving along so I don't see those red lights flashing in my rear view mirror!"). I remember once that happened and I gave the cop a sob story about returning from the funeral of my dead aunt (actually this was true- I drank a lot at her funeral). He took pity on me and didn't run me in. But later I got a DUI but beat the rap by hiring a lawyer recommended by the judge.
Living on the edge. Statistics. I gather that on a roulette wheel there's one slot with a double 00 and when the ball ends up in that slot the banker gets all the money on the table. Every now and then that happens. What if someone said that in the great roulette wheel of life when the ball ends up in a certain slot everyone (or maybe just you) dies. Would you still play on?
I used to like living on the edge. Hooked on my own adrenalin I guess. But now I'm old and tired. Run out of energy. A bit boring but a lot safer.

W.

Presstoe

You're welcome, thank you Neo!

Presstoe

Hey Painter, I was actually thinking of taking up skateboarding, which would be funny because I'm not really coordinated. There are a bunch of youtube videos on step by step basics that you can start inside your home (so I don't look like a dork!)

We have snow where I'm at but not much hills... I like your story, that sounds like me. I'm afraid of DUI's, I never got one, but should have. That's over now, it's on the list of major promises I have made- no drinking and driving. I should admit that I still drink, but I'm debating that too, talking with all of you helps me see that as a possible reality that wouldn't be so bad!

XOXOXO

wpainterw

Thanks Prestoe:
When you see the doc you might ask him/her whether it is a good idea to drink when you're taking meds.
Many alcoholics are risk takers but not all risk takers are alcoholics. I think I've pretty much done enough risk stuff in my lifetime. Skateboarding is cool. Probably not life threatening. Wear your baseball hat on backwards, etc. Try not to swallow your bubble gum. If you live, you might end up deaf from listening to loud rock music but DON'T WORRY! BE HAPPY! (Well maybe...)

W.

Enoy

I would say it's been a symptom of mine as well.

I don't know ... I mean it started so young back before I had REAL issues it seemed , but I guess the feeling of not really fitting in was always an issue.

Being an only child and spending alot of time alone or with parents , Being the youngest and smallest throughout school days.... Having my daughter at 17 and custody at 19 and never really feeling like I fit in. At 23 PTA meetings I was the kid surrounded by 30 somethings .... Trying to hang out with people my own age was bar hopping and various drug attempts.

Throughout those years I would overdo it on Saturday and then spend all week feeling guilty for decisions that were irresponsible when trying to raise my daughter. Or coach my daughters softball team while hungover from the night before out with friends and running on a few hours of sleep.

My alcoholism really started and was for most of my life one night a week Binge drinking.

Then after my divorce 4 years ago it really amped up to a daily 6 pack and in the past year turning to Vodka at lunch time and then more vodka after work.
Mostly out of a feeling of loneliness and boredom I think. But also as an escape of stress and worry. To fit in and feel comfortable around people ( I really could open up and be very social ).

Right now I'm doing better with some of this , but on the weekends my kids aren't home I'm in real danger of saying " **** it , no one is here and I got nothing to do , so I might as well drink " But I think that's more symptom of the depression.

That's the hardest part for me at the moment.


But saying all these things somehow feels like I'm trying to make excuses for my drinking and my immature , irresponsible actions when drinking.... and that's now what I want or who I want to be anymore.

wpainterw

Enoy: Thanks for sharing. What you say sounds very familiar. I too had trouble "fitting in", was shy with women, found that when I drank I wasn't so shy and also that my non women friends seemed to accept me more. And I later found that alcohol was a sort of tranquillizer which gave relief from the stresses of work and family stresses (my sister was mentally ill for seven years and later had a relapse which killed her).
So was alcohol merely a "symptom" of other stuff? Yes, I suppose you might say that, but, as time went on, alcohol was a symptom of itself. That is, I'm sure my body became addicted and the biological need for alcohol overshadowed my mind. I continued to say that I drank to "come down" after work, that I drank because of my sister, etc. etc. but the root of the matter was that I often drank because my body, in its need for access to alcohol, to which its metabolism had become accustomed (amazing how the body adapts!) was influencing my mind to come up with all sorts of "reasons" for drinking. So I went to lots of counselors to explore these "reasons" and did a fine job of doing that, but I continued to drink. And it got worse... I never really got a handle on it until I got the help of a group. I have several issues with AA and actually ended up in an agnostics group but AA or no AA, I think that a group is often the key to recovery. If it's not AA, then some other group.

W.