wpainterw

To me, one of the saddest and truly frightening aspects of alcoholism is the effect this has on the human spirit. As time goes on and as the illness progresses, a person gradually withdraws into an increasingly isolated and lonely world. The chemical and neurological changes in the body which have resulted from long and increased use of alcohol begin to take over the mind and it's as if the original person starts to vanish bit by bit. Dylan Thomas, himself an alcoholic, in that sad poem he wrote in tribute to his father, wrote "Rage, rage, against the dying of the light!" His father's light was dying but the son too was probably dying as well, in body and in spirit.
In advanced stages, the body, now almost completely controlling the mind, has only one objective, to guarantee a steady and increasing intake of alcohol or other drug. And the mind, what is left of it, responds by causing the person to lie, cheat, steal, do anything to protect and conceal the source of supply. Even if AA is right in its original teachings that alcoholism results from character "defects", does not alcoholism in its relentless progress not result in ever so many additional "defects"? Is it not in many ways worse even than cancer? Does cancer result in lying, cheating, stealing, shame, guilt, the death of the spirit or of the soul?
How can this be turned around, reversed? How can an alcoholic win back his spirit, retrieve his soul? From my own experience I have learned that this takes time, time for the body chemistry to change back and perhaps even more time for the neurological damage to be repaired. And during this time there is always the risk that the body will again seize control of the mind in a relapse. And then I also found that time and abstinence were not enough, that I could not do it all alone, or even with 1-1 counseling. I needed the help of others, of some group. Like many I had some doubts and issues about AA but without that help I don't think I ever would have made it. Between that and a heart bypass operation, I got myself back again, the self I used to have so many years ago. I feel a little like Lou Gehrig who called himself the "luckiest man in the world." Quite a lot older now, but oh so lucky!

Wpainterw

Anna

Painter, I feel blessed too.

I have found a peace in my life, that I was never able to find before.

LaFemme

I loved your post. Thank you.

As I was flying to LA yesterday, I had a window seat, I spent most of the trip looking down on our beautiful waorld, our amazing country. Suddenly, I realized how much joy I was getting in the simple act of flying. This might not seem a big deal to some but to me it was. You see, as a child I loved flying more than almost anything, the airports, take off, watching the sun rise over the rim of the world, the actual travel was almost secondary. T some point in my 20's I lost that...fear and anxiety crept in and all of that lost its magic. Flying became something to be borne with drinks and white knuckles. Needless to say 9-11 did not help matters!

But yesterday, carried by the weight of air...I connected with that part of my soul which I thought forever lost...and I realized that I was not afraid of flying, that my drinking anxiety had corrupted that joy for the past 15 years. I nearly cried, it was such a So derful example of my reconnection to my soul.

Yes alcohol destroyed the soul but by leaving it behind, we have an amazing opportunity to rekindle our inner light.

Murray4x5

You're so right that the original person, with all their dreams yet to be fulfilled and passions slowly gets worn away by alcohol. It is truly an ugly slow death.

Whispers of my old self are coming back now, after not drinking for 83 days. I'm so looking forward to regaining as much of my former self as is possible.

I'm glad you found yourself up there LaFemme (I always thought you had your head in the clouds )

Murray

Kmber2010

Thx for sharing. I read this line and said.....Wow....Painter spoke what I am feeling.

I too have found so much in sobriety that I had lost all those years with the bottle. I know that if, for any reason, my current outlook and support is not not enough, I will continue on with other methods of support.

I have something here that I don't ever want to lose and that is being me again....not the negative person living in my own self created world of desperation and isolation.

I love being me again....I really liked myself and now know that things can happen in life that may wear down even the strongest of souls. Reaching out for help (which I didn't do for many years....hence the self medication) does not mean I am a failure....it means I know myself well enough that even the best of us need support of others. I had a little flicker in my drinking years that is now beginning to burn and I love it man....I love it.

Great post

Sasha4

So true, so true.

I know I have lost my spirit.

In my 20's I never drank. I hated drink. I remember I once told a doctor that drinking made me anxious the next day. She said don't do it then. So I didn't for about eight years. Simple as.

So what changed?
How come I changed?

Every day I wake up with constant thoughts. Then evenings it starts again.

Like groundhog day.

wpainterw

No Sasha 4. You haven't lost your spirit! Your spirit is sleeping. The longer your sobriety, the more your spirit will return. It is there. The old "you". The one you had. The one you still have... waiting for you. It is there when you wake up, there with the rising of the sun. Water it carefully and it will grow into a beautiful plant. It will take a lot of time, and sunlight.

W.

FBL

I also feel like I've gotten my life back and it's a new and improved version

zbear23

I think this is much closer to the reality. I've never "lost' my spirit, but merely covered it up with clouds of fear. I chose to relieve that fear via alcohol and drugs, which of course ended up making the clouds ever denser and denser. It is IMO, precisely a kind of "sleep," or a trance....like Sleeping Beauty. I needed outside help to break the trance, to awaken me. I needed a "prince charming"..... the prince found me....not the other way around. I didn't discover AA....it entered my life with that magical, miraculous "kiss" ot real love, which ultimately awakened my spirit and set me on a path of action that dispersed the clouds and let my spirit shine.

I need to remember, however, that unless I continue to practice, practice, practice, I can easily go back to sleep. The wicked witch is still out there, awaiting my compacency.

blessings
zenbear

juliej71

Your post struck a very real chord with me Painter. I am new to this forum, but your feelings of isolation and removal from life are very familiar to me. I think you asked how the alcoholic can get back their self esteem/spirit after years of disconnectedness. For me I think that I was disconnected way before I picked up my first drink. The anger, resentments and stress that I battle with every day exist (although perhaps not in as greater proportions), whether I drink alcohol or not. I never realised until recently that it is the spiritual aspect of AA and the surrender of oneself to a Higher Power that will make it succeed with me when all the best intentions and will power cannot. I cannot give up alcohol on my own; alcohol is too powerful for me to battle on my own - I have to hand it over to my Higher Power. I guess this is where the idea of the spiritual nature of the 12 steps comes into play. I am 6 months sober without having gone to an AA meeting or having a sponsor, but I am convinced that unless I do these 2 things I have no hope of staying sober. I need to do the 12 steps in order to overcome the spiritual illness that drives both my physical and mental addiction to alcohol. It is the spiritual illness that creates my isolation and anxieties and that will eventually overcome my reason and see me pick up a drink. I hope that by going to meetings and getting a sponsor I can begin to battle my alcoholism at its spiritual source and hopefully get to a place where I feel some sense of reconnection and peace within. Thank you for your thoughts on this matter, alcoholism really is the loneliest disease.

Zebra1275

Nice post, thanks.

24hrsAday

i agree wpainterw.. Great Post there man!

wpainterw

Zbear23Thanks. These are fine comments. You mention a "sleep". Yes, in a way, but as you know, often, in a sleep, come nightmares. As Hamlet said, "But in that sleep what dreams may come, would give us pause..." (not the precise quote perhaps but good enough, and of course he was speaking of death, not alcohol (yet is not alcohol a kind of creeping death?) The sleep, which covers the spirit during alcoholism, often brings horrors of its own and, as it continues, the spirit may tend to starve, grow weaker. This is what makes recovery increasingly difficult as time goes on.

W.

wpainterw

Yes, Juliej71: AA involves a type of spiritual recovery. Although you seem to have achieved some sobriety on your own, my experience taught me that some kind of group was the best and least risky long term solution. It's a good idea to find a congenial group and sponsor, AA or otherwise. Good luck.

W.

wpainterw

Thanks LaFemme: I agree, it's a kind of spiritual experience to fly at say around 35,000 feet and look down at the clouds, maybe the sunset. And, flying over the southwest, a favorite place for my memories, I can look down at places like the Grand Canyon, Monument Valley, all deeply spiritual in one way or another, and imagine the ancient Anasazi peoples who aeons ago inhabited those lands and left their petroglyphs on the stony walls. Nouminous and ghostly. You can't see much from a plane but you can imagine how it is and was. I must go back there- soon.

W.