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Advice needed...something.

Old 08-23-2010, 03:50 PM
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Advice needed...something.

There is absolutely no doubt in my mind that I am completely powerless over alcohol. It breaks my heart to know that it's true. My life has become unmanageable. I started drinking when I started college only two years ago after coming out and some failed relationships, and I've reached this point. It's past 5 pm and this is the first day in the past three that I have not had a bottle of Jack Daniels by my side.

It didn't take me long to notice that no matter if everyone else was drinking, I was drinking more and had no desire to stop once they did. I kept wanting to get my drinking "under control" which is something I've come to realize isn't possible while being powerless under the substance.

I had sexual encounters that I would have never had sober that I regret to this day because of alcohol. I was arrested for a DUI in February, and I continued to drink. I've always done fairly well covering up my alcoholism. I started to just drink at home, alone. I kept a perfectly clean house, never missed class, and have been maintaining a job. I would make up excuses to get alcohol, and even drank Nyquil when I was unable to get any due to being underage. I'm scared to quit because I'm scared I'll fail. I know I'm powerless. Not drinking in the remainder of my college years is going to be incredibly difficult because the beer flows like water. I don't know why liquor makes me feel less lonely.

I just know that I'm not the person that I want to be while I'm under the influence. I know if I start, I won't stop. So the only thing to do is not start. Admitting this at 20 is difficult, but a sob story is no excuse to continue with what is destroying my life.

Just needed to say that,and this seemed like the perfect place to do it.
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Old 08-23-2010, 03:55 PM
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Hi and Welcome,

It's interesting that you say alcohol makes you feel less lonely. That's exactly what I used to think. But, when I finally stopped drinking, I realized that I had become completely isolated, trying to hide my drinking.

I am glad that you are here seeking support. There is lots of hope!
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Old 08-23-2010, 03:55 PM
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You're so not alone! I'm not the person I want to be when I'm drinking either. My DH was always there to tell me what I did and said the night before.. Made me feel like s***. I always had excuses too. The best thing for you to do is start day 1 and not drink.

Admitting it at any age is difficult. I've been drinking for 13 years and this is my Day 5 since starting (of sobriety). Never made it passed 2 days before this. I've never felt better and it's all thanks to being determined to quit for good.
You can do this and stay strong!! Keep posting and reading here!
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Old 08-23-2010, 04:14 PM
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QUOTE: I'm scared to quit because I'm scared I'll fail. QUOTE

This is what stood out in your post for me. Dont be afraid to try. Its like many things in life. If you really want to do, just get up and do it. Positive attitudes bring positive things. If you talk yourself into not succeeding, you wont, so dust yourself off, stand up and smile. Tell yourself you are worth it, cos you are special, you know!
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Old 08-23-2010, 04:35 PM
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Welcome CriticalMass,

You could have written my first post. Powerless over alcohol, not stopping when others do, drinking harder than even the college binge drinkers, becoming a different person when drinking, continuing to quit despite terrible consequences...

Admitting your alcoholism is powerful decision.

Do you have a recovery plan?
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Old 08-23-2010, 04:36 PM
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Hi CriticalMass
You're amazingly insightful to get all of this at 20...it took me twice as long.

What Jo pointed out caught my eye too - I used to think in terms of pass fail...it's not like that.

It's being who I know I really am versus 'that guy'.
'That guy' was no good, and I'm glad he's gone.

You're not alone CM...there's lot of support here.

I bet there's lots on your campus too - Dr's, counsellors, maybe even a recovery group like AA or SMART close by?...

you can do this...all you need to do is take that first step
D
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Old 08-23-2010, 04:43 PM
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Hi CM and welcome - You're among friends here. Believe me, we know exactly what you're talking about. I'm really impressed by your honestly and ability to see the problem for what it is. We have an addiction, a disease if you will, and it only gets worse unless we get help. I'm so glad you're here and hope you'll keep posting and reading. You can do this!!:ghug3
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Old 08-23-2010, 04:44 PM
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Hi Critical Mass - Welcome.

We all know it is difficult, but you have to try.

For me, I needed a program of recovery (AA). Have you considered AA or another program?
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Old 08-23-2010, 04:51 PM
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"I just know that I'm not the person that I want to be while I'm under the influence. I know if I start, I won't stop. So the only thing to do is not start."

This statement that you made shows a lot of maturity and insight. It is simple but powerful logic that took me many years to figure out. In my case, I had to add another line like ".....if I don't change something, I know where this will end."
The lonely, sad path of an alcoholic is pretty predictable and I was surely walking down it with my head hung low. It's not always easy to turn around and start walking back the other way. It takes a little time and often feels like your fighting your way back up a mountain. IT IS TOTALLY WORTH IT THOUGH! A good and rewarding Life still exists back behind you. Turn around so you can go back and claim it.
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Old 08-23-2010, 05:03 PM
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If I had your insight at your age... I may have saved myself many many years of crud! I have to do what is right for me no matter who is around me. If the temptation is too great around me... I have learned that I have to remove myself from that particular segment of that situation. If that means that I cannot hang around with someone... that is exactly what I do - go away. One of the first things I had to re-learn was that I could have fun and be social without the chemicals. There has to be sober people on campus that you could hang with. Check into what programs may be on your campus or what is available at student services or student activities (clubs). Keep talking... that is always a good step in the right direction.
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Old 08-23-2010, 05:19 PM
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Thanks, guys. Your responses have given me a lot to think about. I'm not sure if there is an AA around this area, but I will definitely have to look into it. I know of an alcohol and drug counselor that works on campus that I could see at no cost. That may be the guidance I need.

I keep telling myself that it won't be as hard if I ease out of it and just start drinking less and less until I stop, but I see that can't work. If easing out made recovery easier then it'll make relapse easier as well.

I appreciate all of your kind words.

Last edited by CriticalMass; 08-23-2010 at 05:21 PM. Reason: misspelling
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Old 08-23-2010, 05:27 PM
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I'd be willing to bet there are a dozen AA meetings within a five-mile radius, no matter where you are. I'd be willing to bet there is a group on campus, too.

If you google your area for AA, you will probably find an intergroup website that lists the times and locations of all the meetings. If you get involved in AA you will NOT be lonely. Plus there are young people's groups that have social events that are a lot of fun (lol, I'm too old to get out and party with the kids, but they tell me they're great).
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Old 08-23-2010, 05:37 PM
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CriticalMass, you sound like the 20 year old me (I'm now only 24). College definitely kick started drinking for me, and I only designated 2 nights a week to be sober. My mind is so twisted that a "sober night" to me meant not drinking until 12am..then drink a lot. So I would do all my homework/studying completely half-assed and then get plastered. At first it was at the bar with all my friends, then it became too expensive and I just started buying my own liquor and drinking it alone.

Anyway, I'm at about 1 week sober and I promise you, as I'll promise to any alcoholic out there, the feeling of sobriety is really a thing to experience. How crazy does that sound? I'm so used to being drunk that being sober is a really different thing to me - like a sort of high. I can't explain the feeling but it's just the raw experience of having a clear head and having productivity exist in my life. I guess what I'm trying to get at is - at the very least, try!
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Old 08-24-2010, 05:32 PM
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Hi Critical Mass:
Reading your posts has given me a very good feeling. Despite your drinking you seem to have developed quite a lot of insight. You say that you are afraid that you'll fail. Frankly, I'm willing to bet that you won't fail. And even if you do have a slip or a relapse, I'll bet that you will be able to pick yourself up, dust yourself off and work it out. I believe strongly that you're going to make it and remember we're all here to back you up. So go for it! And keep in touch as much as possible. The time will come when you won't miss drinking one bit!
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Old 08-24-2010, 05:36 PM
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Hey Everyone! Let's give a big cheer for Critical Mass!
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Old 08-24-2010, 09:22 PM
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Thanks CM.

I can really identify. I too had a lot of stuff lined up in my life that, so I though, proved I wasn't an alcoholic. I knew I had drinking "problems" but no way was I an alkie!

I had a nice house, a meticulous yard, everything was neat and clean, my wife and I played golf together and generally had some pretty solid fun together, I never missed work, I wasn't "mean" when I drank (which I was CONVINCED all alcoholics were mean-drunks.....like my dad was), I didn't yell at my wife or my co-workers, I wasn't jones'n for a drink all the time... on and on. I even had a number of years, like 10 or 12 yrs, where I COULD totally control my drinking.

Funny how people that are absolutely NOT alcoholics don't have a ready-made list of things to prove they're not, huh?

In good recovery, you should be glad to hear, you can be around beer, booze, all those "triggers" and it won't be a big deal anymore. There just won't BE any "triggers." If you take recovery serious (and make no mistake, there's a WORRRRLD of difference between simple abstinence and recovery) you'll find you're just not interested in it anymore.
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Old 08-24-2010, 09:36 PM
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Originally Posted by DayTrader View Post

Funny how people that are absolutely NOT alcoholics don't have a ready-made list of things to prove they're not, huh?
Isn't *that* the truth, DayTrader!

CM - welcome. Glad you are here.
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Old 08-24-2010, 09:49 PM
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Quitting drinking is a bit like going bungy jumping, when your standing there looking down and thinking its to scary or whats it going to be like once ive done it ect... But when you do it, its the best feeling in the world. When I finally made the decision to quit one of the things I told myself was, that its not physically impossible and there's no reason why I can't do it. When I worked that out I think then I new I could do it. Good on you for getting advice though, its one thing I wish I had done... Good Luck!!!
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Old 08-25-2010, 02:49 AM
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Originally Posted by mwstylee View Post
College definitely kick started drinking for me, and I only designated 2 nights a week to be sober. My mind is so twisted that a "sober night" to me meant not drinking until 12am..then drink a lot.
Sorry I felt I had to post an apology for laughing out loud when I read this because it sounded so much like something I would do! Made my day.

Criticalmass, you should be thankful that you're where you are when your young. You're on the right path for a healthy productive life, I wish I were as smart at your age.
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