swag2

Alrighty already did not get off the ground so lets try something else. My wife is bitching so much about me being on this or any forum and bitches all day and night I just wanna say f it all and go back to the way I was before my rehab ya I wanna just get friggin plastered and move the hell out but it aint that easy. She is in my face all the damn time even at rehab I made some female freinds and she ripped into that with a vengeance. I dont even want to be with her anymore but after 19 years and rehab and start work mon after a month im not needing the added stress of moving out changing bills etc etc so maybe my life before rehab may have been better I just did not see it.

Dee74

I think early recovery is a hard time for us - and for our loved ones.

It can take a while for us to work out who we really are without drugs or alcohol - and it takes as long for others to work it out too.

Give things a chance to settle...when you're secure in your sobriety, and you know who you are, then you can look at what needs to be done.

D

bluewheel

dee is right about this one. don't make any major changes right now until you get settled in who you are without the chemicals. you are adjusting to you and she will have to adjust to you. just give it all some time.

swag2

I guess nothings up. I got into it big time with wife over jealosy with forums and other things. I have one more class in a few hours and I am free from rehab and I fell out a few hours ago ,could not take the pressure f her nagging whining bs anymore so im getting drunk because there is no solution to this problem. I cant just up and leave, we have too much together with bills and living arrangements pets and all sorts of things but I cant deal with her anymore so I took back to drinking and the isolation from the forom does not help either. I put up 3 threads tonight and got like 3 feedbacks so I am at my wits end here. I must leave but there are too many loose ends to do that , so I just dont know what to do.

Dee74

I'm sorry you chose to drink, Swag.
I did that lots of times too - never got me anywhere...nowhere good anyway.

The only way I ever got anywhere was by trying something different.

D

swag2

goodnight and thanks as shes bitching I gotta go to bed now, I am not in charge of my own life anymore she is standing over me now watching what I type and demand I go to bed now. I have no freedom thats why I drink. See ya tommorrow maybe.

Kmber2010

Sorry to hear your choice Swag. No one is worth our drinking and nothing makes us drink but ourselves.

I hope you find your way. Sleep well.

Suzie12

Hiya Swag,

Sry you took back to drinking.

I have read all of your posts and I do not think you are aggressive, I think you are vunerable, unhappy, hurting and suffering from insecurity.

I have loved some of your posts and can imagine that you can be extremely funny and entertaining, some of the things you have said make me rofl.

You are also very honest it what you say, call a spade a spade as we say in England, sometimes that can come across as aggression, but it isnt really it is saying what you think and to hell with the consequences.

We have a bit of a problem here regarding answering posts straightaway as we are all on different time zones, for me at the time of writing this it is 10.15a.m so by the time you come on I am probably thinking about going to bed or out for the evening. If people do not answer your posts straightaway it is because they are not here at the time, not because they are not interested in what you have to say.

I do not know your wife but from what you have said she has issues of her own.

My husband is over protective and possessive even a little controlling..... if I let him. He also does not like me spending hours on the computer so I made "me time" which is at certain times of the day I am on my pc and it is up to him to find something to do. I did realise at one time that I was on the pc all day long and not spending any time with him so I altered that a little to keep us both happy.

I think you need to talk to your wife and make her understand that at 50 years old you will go to bed when you choose, you are not asking her to go to stay up, tell her to go to bed when she chooses and you will be along when you are ready.

Tell her also that it is very rude to read someone else's messages on the pc it is paramount to opening someone else's mail.

You said in one of your posts that you were going to AA and taking your wife (Arrgh) she wants to check it. Why is it necessary for your wife to check it, this is your recovery and she cannot help you by forcing her way into it, she needs to know that when you want her to go with you, you will invite her along, you are an adult and need to make her understand that you have to do what YOU want sometimes.

It is better to be sober and sit down without shouting and tell her how you feel properly and that if she cannot adapt her behaviour then the marriage will be over. If you are shouting or drunk she will just think "omg he's on one again" and ignore it, but done calmly and sober she may just start to listen.

19 years is a marriage worth keeping, but if you really cannot make it work now is the time to start planning for your future.

I hope you stay on the forum and get back on your sobriety plan again and best of luck when you start back at work again.

Suzie x

LexieCat

Swag,

There's a story in the Big Book that I always really liked, called "Acceptance is the Answer". The guy in the story talks about how his wife was driving him CRAZY. I don't wanna spoil the story for you, but the guy is a very funny writer, and you might enjoy it.

Your wife might, if she's willing to check it out, get a lot out of going to Al-Anon. Believe it or not, living with an active alcoholic makes anyone a little bit (or a lot) nutso. Al-Anon helped me, when I was living with a couple of alcoholics (one in recovery and one who kept relapsing), stay focused on myself and to let my partner deal with his own issues in his own way. Just a thought you might suggest to her.

I'm sorry things seem so messed-up to you right now. I can guarantee that drinking won't make anything better. You seem to be struggling so hard, but the key is really to stop fighting it.

eremc08

Maybe she doesn't understand how hard this is.. It's hard for some people to accept, that their s/o just needs support of others. There are groups she can go to for spouses of alcoholics.. Hope the best for you and don't give up!

swag2

She tried alanon- once- and swears she will never go back. She is just possesive. I got about 3 hrs sleep and she was all lovey dovey at 6-30 this am but now that I am on the pc ....well...anyway I go to my last class in an hour and get my back to work release which in and of itself holds my life in balance....I barely drank at all last night....didnt even get a buzz. I wish I hadnt though , now its day one again and thats a sucky feeling. Wish I could take the lady from Englands advice but its not all that cut and dry....my me time is her time and there is nothing I can do to change her.....gotta go....shower and get to the class and lie my but off if need be or my insurance would cancel my ticket if ya know what I mean...........thanks Swag/Jbro

keithj

Swag, as long as you believe this, you'll probably keep drinking.

I've found that it's actually the other way around. Drinking kept me enslaved. Part of that enslavement of alcoholism was my uncanny ability to find it's cause in everything around me. Bad job, bad town, bad wife, lousy friends, nothing to do, etc.

None of it was true. And I know this because none of those things are bad or lousy from a recovered perspective. Same people and places and things. And they've all changed because I got better. How's that possible? Because they were never what I saw them as in the first place.

There is an answer to all this, Swag. A number of ways to long term recovery and happiness. None of those ways involve thinking that your drinking is caused by your external circumstances or the people around you.

The alcoholic usually ends up more alone than they can imagine. Unbearably alone with a bottle, and perfect freedom to do what they want. Who's fault is it going to be then?

julez

Swag I'm sorry you decided to drink, and that you are having problems in your marriage. Your wife has some jealousy issues, and problems with being possessive....why is that? Is there a deeper rooted reason? Has she been betrayed before, by you, or by any other important man in her life? Its important that she deal with the reasons behind her actions, so that she can truly see why its so important for you to be on the computer posting with us. I agree that these forums are a wonderful way to express the feelings we have regarding our drinking, and the fact that we can do it any time of day or night is so helpful! Share with her what you gain out of being here, and maybe she'll begin to understand. Good luck, I hope things calm down for you soon.

swag2

Ok yes she has been betrayed by me numorous times but only because of my excessive flirting I seem to thrive on it but never have I crossed the line if you know what I mean , but the jealousy was always there from day 1 it only escalated. Im aware that I cant blame people places things for my drinking I have always known this but tend to forget from time to time. Any how today is a new day and I will put some serious thought into that so it sticks and hopefully change my negative thinking or practice anyway. I know I cant control the next day or the day after and so on but have a lot of anxiety about going back to work monday - Its been more than a month since I left......Peace....Swag/Jbro

artsoul

Good for you for picking up and starting again. I hope things go well at work for you Monday - maybe it will help take your mind off the conflict at home. It sounds like it's not a new problem - have you ever tried counseling?

When I was married, drinking helped me get up the "nerve" to talk about my negative feelings with my husband. It usually didn't end very well. I'm sure I used alcohol to forget about a lot of my unhappiness, too. The problem doesn't go away, though. I think your wife should at least understand that you need to do certain things to stay sober (including having your own space and time on the computer, too). Tell her if she won't stop bugging you, you'll just have to lock the door for an hour or two every night. Sometimes we just have to let other people pitch a fit and go on about our business.

Good luck.......

Kmber2010

Hopefully things will improve at home but I am glad you are picking up and moving forward. That is the most important thing. No matter how bad things are how many triggers present themselves we have to remain focused on our sobriety. We have to do the daily work no matter how rough it gets. It builds our self esteem and self worth.

I spent 10 years drinking....9 were with my ex. I know for a fact that I drank because it was something I did for so long....it was habit and I did the same thing with staying with the ex....no matter how unhealthy or caustic it was....I stayed because it was what I knew. When I got divorced (even though I knew it was the best thing) I still somehow tried to make it work. After my divorce, I worked on my drinking...cutting back, looking at it every day and hating myself for it and finally I came to SR......a few days sober and shared things I had never shared before.

I don't know your deal but I hope your wife gets some help but even if she doesn't you can and will become sober and get the support that you need if you so choose it.

Keep it going man and know that a new chapter has begun for you. All the best!

swag2

Surely I thought this account would have been terminated or severely bashed after last night , Im sure it is in the works however. I seemed to have made the entire forum angry and that was not even my intentions , it just happened.....Swag.

FightingChance

I feel for you man, I used to have some pretty severe anger issues myself. What worked for me was anger management counseling combined with hitting a heavy bag. Hope you are able to be happy at some point.

swag2

I dont do well with the heavy bag anymore due to rotator cuff surgry , I spent years training , bags , sparring , all that stuff now I can only kick and jab with my left arm . Im going to a counseler Friday about the anger and wife thing. Im building a facebook page today , Im hoping some of the ( cool ) people here might drop in from time to time. I wonder if Goats on facebook I have not seen any post from him in days.....THANKS SWAG

Tiredofdrugs

Sounds like you've used alcohol for many years to deal with a difficult marriage as well as other problems. Once the trust factor is broken, it's damn hard to earn it back. Going back to the bottle, your crutch, because your wife is bit.... at you for all the reasons you listed above isn't going to make YOUR life better. You've given your wife reasons to not trust you. And if you feel you can't be trusted, then you need to move on w/o your wife in your life. It's not fair to her or your sobriety.

I dove head first into a bottle of opiates to deal with my XH. When I made the decision to clean myself up to try and make the marriage work, XH was a wonderful man for the first two months. Then the distrust, (which I never did anything to earn it) soared back up into my face. I felt like a human being prisoned in my own home by my XH. Due to the fact I was in the Army National Guard, worked with male soldiers, he thought I was having sex with them every time we gathered. So my XH made my life miserable.

Four months after getting myself clean, I moved in with my daughter. I filed for divorce and waited for him to sign the papers. He had told me weekly for five years, "we need to get a divorce". But when I filed, he decided he didn't want a divorce. But he finally signed the papers and I moved on with my life. I am MUCH happier now and don't need to use any opiates to survive in a miserable marriage or my day to day life. We were married for 14 years.

You've got to decide what's best for you. If you want to stay with your wife, then tell her you want to go to counseling. Tell her you are trying to clean your act up to be a better husband and you need all the support you can get. Tell her SR is one of those support groups that have individuals from all over the world that have walked in your shoes and can walk the walk and talk the talk.

My husband now, (which I got back 32 years later. We were HS sweethearts) is a flirt also. But we have strong trust factors and we both know who we are crawling into bed with each and every night. Each Other!! But his XW had problems with his flirtatious ways and had a problem with it, such as yours. Men flirt with me a lot also. Life is what you make it. My husband and I don't want to live dull boring lives. Knowing we are attractive to other people, just makes us love each other more.

Turning to the alcohol isn't going to solve your problems. You are going to be a total different person off of it. Give yourself time. If your wife doesn't understand why you are on SR, then start talking to her about your alcohol problems. Maybe she'll get tired of you talking to her about it and she'll advise you to talk to someone with more knowledge and understanding on what you are going thru. Then maybe she'll understand why you are turning to us here on SR.

Best wishes my recoverying friend.

TOD