jusqualafin

Hi guys. I'm really not sure where to start and I figured that this would be as good as any. I feel like a complete mess, and I'm in a horrible state of mind and body and I don't know what's going on with me other than maybe the cumulative effects of everything I've been doing.

I've been drinking every night for the past several years due to insomnia. I can't fall asleep without a few drinks and I can't work without getting at least a few hours of sleep. I've tried working on it by not drinking, but it's just panic attack after panic attack. Sleep meds make me do crazy things, I've been prescribed xanax, but I'm afraid of the benzo addiction/withdrawal, so I don't feel like it's a better solution for my problems.

I'm currently in this bad state after I took about a gram of MDMA and a case of nitrous oxide and I'm all shaky, nauseous, weak, and fatigued. I've been like this for over a week and I'm barely functioning. I don't know if it's because I didn't drink while I was doing this and I'm having withdrawal symptoms, or from the other drugs, or a cumulative effect but I'm pretty scared and having panic attacks which is contributing to the overall crappy, overwhelmingly dire feeling I have. The only thing that seems to help the shaky fatigued sweats and such is a xanax, but I don't want to switch dependency to another drug.

I hope this doesn't count as medical advice since I'm not asking for a diagnosis or anything. My issue is about getting help by spilling the beans to my doctor at Kaiser and asking for his advice. I'm currently employed under my work insurance and I'm not sure what the repercussions of admitting my history of addiction and use of illicit drugs would be.

Does anyone have experience or knowledge in how this would work? Will my employers find out, and can they fire me over it? And how will this affect my insurance? I know that if you have a history of alcoholism/addiction, some prescriptions aren't as available to you. But would this increase my premium or even make me lose my insurance?

Any insight about my predicament would be greatly appreciated. I'm considering paying out of pocket to see a private physician so that it won't be on record. Or maybe a psychologist is someone I should be seeing instead?

I just want to be careful and not screw myself over anymore, I'm ready to overcome this and just be a normal person.

LexieCat

I don't believe your medical information can be released to your employer. I also don't think they can increase your premiums as long as you are insured. I don't believe you can be fired for being an alcoholic--I think the disability laws prohibit that.

If you later try to buy private insurance, it could affect your premiums. (Not sure how the changes in health-care law affects that.

It sounds like you really need medical attention, though, so I would make that your priority at this point. If you'd rather go to a doctor outside your insurance, you could, but it's very possible you might need medical detox and outpatient treatment, which can get pricey. You've got the insurance--why not use it?

jusqualafin

Thanks for the info. I just really don't want it to get out and have to explain to my co-workers if I'm gone for an extended period or time, etc. Same thing, I don't want to lose my job over it, even not directly related to my issues, there's always a stigma and I don't want to feel like my performance at work is being blamed on any labels I've put upon myself.

artsoul

Welcome - you've come to a great place. I started drinking regularly to help with insomnia, too, although I think I always liked the feeling of getting drunk. Your experience with other things (like the nitrous) doesn't seem like an insomnia thing though, so maybe you're like me and are seeking that high.

One thing I was so relieved to find is that a lot of my anxiety was due to constantly withdrawing from alcohol (sometimes small hangovers, sometimes major ones). Once I got through the hangover and felt fine again, I always went back to the drink. Alcohol also causes depression and interrupts sleep, so these things may dissipate once you get it out of your system.

There are other ways to treat insomnia, too. I happen to take something my psychiatrist gave me that isn't addictive and has some anti-depressant properties (Trazadone). Other people find that their insomnia lasts for a few days or weeks and goes away on its own. Everyone's experience is a little different.

I'm glad you're here - you'll find a lot of understanding and support from these folks. Keep posting and reading, OK?

Dee74

hi jusqualafin

I'm not an American so I have no helpful experience to share with you on the medical records/work situation, but I wanted to welcome you anyway

I do have experience with drinking to sleep tho. I did that for many years.
It took a while, certainly more than a week, probably nearer two, but I eventually got past the insomnia.

I had chronic insomnia for over 10 yrs when drinking...I'd pass out for a few hours then wake at 2 or 3 or 4am and that was it....

for the past 3 years or so sober I've slept like a baby, so there is hope.

D

julez

I wholeheartedly agree with Dee. The insomnia eventually stops, but until it does, life sucks, lol.

RobertHugh

Welcome. We know a lot about messes here. You just made some of the best friends you may ever have.

I drank because I'm an alcoholic. I thought it might have been insomnia, but under closer inspection, I realized that insomnia was another word for withdrawal from alcohol abuse-- it's hard to sleep if you are detoxing.

I'm reacting to your words--"because of insomnia." Do you think you are alcoholic or addicted, or just an insomniac who might have gotten trapped? It's an important distinction and one that can help you determine what to do.

I won't give you advice on your questions, it's outside my area of expertise. My experience was that my company was very supportive when I went to rehab. Not in a pathetic, "look at Bob the drunk" sort of way, but in a "we're glad you're getting help cause we need you" way.

And I also discovered that no one was surprised. Apparently I'd done a poor job of hiding my problem.

lildawg

Welcome. I don't have any advice, either, about the work stuff and the medical insurance. If you have the cash, and it would save you some paranoia, pay out of pocket for a private doctor.

As for drinking because of insomnia, you're in lildawg country! At first, I justified drinking every evening because it made me fall asleep. The truth is, though, more like RobertHugh was talking about. I drank because I'm an alcoholic.

I remember being very small and asking my mother for extra doses of cough syrup because I liked the way it made me feel. I think very early on, I already liked getting a little high.

I am not leading up to anything big or earth-shattering. I just wanted to say I think I know where you're coming from. Good luck on feeling better.

LaFemme

Good luck and welcome. I don't know much about the insurance/job angle, but it sounds like you need some medical.help, so make sure you get it.

I've been an insomniac my whole life, the sedative aspects of alcohol were very appealing, but the anxiety and depression, not so much.