living with a recovering alcoholic
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: wakefield
Posts: 2
living with a recovering alcoholic
I am just wondering if there is any advice out there for me? I have been together with a recovering alcoholic for nearly 3 years. When I met him he was drinking on and off for a few months. I got pregnant on the pill about 5 months after we met and he decided to stop drinking completely then, hasn't had a drop since.
Since then we have been okay as a couple, he has been up and down a bit. But recently he is so emotionally detached from me and seems to be picking up resentments towards me for the slightest little thing. Ie. house completely tidy when he finishes work, dinner ready our son looked after, but because I may not have washed a pot up he instantly picks up on that! He doesnt compliment me much or tell me he cares.
I went on holiday to my parents in spain in may with our son and the baby sitter as he had no holidays left. When I came back a week later and he decided to leave us, just said he doesnt feel were getting on and doesnt know what he wants anymore. He has been back a few times and has been back a couple of weeks now. One day he is really down and depressed and the next he is ok. But whenever I ask him if were properly together he just says doesn't know or doesnt really answer me properly.
We are in the process of buying a new home but he is unsure whether we are all moving in together. It is all getting me really down. Should I just cut my losses and tell him I have had enough or stay and work at it. I just dont know if can cope much longer with all the uncertainty in my life. Don't want this to go on for years for him to decide its not for him at the end of it.
He proposed to me when I was pregnant but wont discuss marriage at all and sometimes says he doesnt want to get married. I don't understand this why did he propose in the first place. Is this all traits of been a recovering alcoholic, or something deeper? I am so confused any advice would be nice?
Hope someone can help
Thanks
Claire
Since then we have been okay as a couple, he has been up and down a bit. But recently he is so emotionally detached from me and seems to be picking up resentments towards me for the slightest little thing. Ie. house completely tidy when he finishes work, dinner ready our son looked after, but because I may not have washed a pot up he instantly picks up on that! He doesnt compliment me much or tell me he cares.
I went on holiday to my parents in spain in may with our son and the baby sitter as he had no holidays left. When I came back a week later and he decided to leave us, just said he doesnt feel were getting on and doesnt know what he wants anymore. He has been back a few times and has been back a couple of weeks now. One day he is really down and depressed and the next he is ok. But whenever I ask him if were properly together he just says doesn't know or doesnt really answer me properly.
We are in the process of buying a new home but he is unsure whether we are all moving in together. It is all getting me really down. Should I just cut my losses and tell him I have had enough or stay and work at it. I just dont know if can cope much longer with all the uncertainty in my life. Don't want this to go on for years for him to decide its not for him at the end of it.
He proposed to me when I was pregnant but wont discuss marriage at all and sometimes says he doesnt want to get married. I don't understand this why did he propose in the first place. Is this all traits of been a recovering alcoholic, or something deeper? I am so confused any advice would be nice?
Hope someone can help
Thanks
Claire
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,917
DO NOT marry this man! Extricating yourself from him after you are legally bound is a lot harder than just moving out. Neither would I purchase a house with him if it meant that we were both legally tied to it.
Only you can decide when you have had enough of his behavior. No one deserves to be emotionally abused and that is what he is doing. Recovery means more than just not drinking. Evidently alcohol wasn't his only problem. He sounds like a terrible control freak. I've lived with one, so I know whereof I speak. Also, if it were me, the next time he decided to leave, I'd change the locks and tell him that he can just stay wherever it is he went. It's not only HIS decision as to whether or not your are properly "together." You have a vote, too, and I'd exercise that vote by kicking him to the curb.
Only you can decide when you have had enough of his behavior. No one deserves to be emotionally abused and that is what he is doing. Recovery means more than just not drinking. Evidently alcohol wasn't his only problem. He sounds like a terrible control freak. I've lived with one, so I know whereof I speak. Also, if it were me, the next time he decided to leave, I'd change the locks and tell him that he can just stay wherever it is he went. It's not only HIS decision as to whether or not your are properly "together." You have a vote, too, and I'd exercise that vote by kicking him to the curb.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: Lowell
Posts: 345
Claire first let me say that this is just my opinion and thoughts on this, by no means what I say is written in stone. Just my own feelings from what I have read.
I can't say for sure, but it doesn't sound like he is an alcoholic, (if he is one), in recovery. Sounds like he is just not drinking. I know for me to start recovering, I had to go to meetings, meetings and more meetings. I not only had to stop drinking but I also had to stop doing things the old way and start living a new way.
I'm not a counselor, marriage or any other type, so as far as me telling you to let him go would not be good advice on my part. There is a program for people who are in a relationship with an alcoholic or a family member and they call it AL-ANON. There are face to face meetings all over the states and there is even a section in these forums for Al-Anon.
I myself live with an alcoholic but she did go to meetings for many years and has been sober for nine years now. But being an alcoholic myself I am aware of many signs.
Maybe some kind of counseling would help and/or going to Al-Anon meetings.
I hope you find the help you need and get answers you want.
God bless,
Harry
I can't say for sure, but it doesn't sound like he is an alcoholic, (if he is one), in recovery. Sounds like he is just not drinking. I know for me to start recovering, I had to go to meetings, meetings and more meetings. I not only had to stop drinking but I also had to stop doing things the old way and start living a new way.
I'm not a counselor, marriage or any other type, so as far as me telling you to let him go would not be good advice on my part. There is a program for people who are in a relationship with an alcoholic or a family member and they call it AL-ANON. There are face to face meetings all over the states and there is even a section in these forums for Al-Anon.
I myself live with an alcoholic but she did go to meetings for many years and has been sober for nine years now. But being an alcoholic myself I am aware of many signs.
Maybe some kind of counseling would help and/or going to Al-Anon meetings.
I hope you find the help you need and get answers you want.
God bless,
Harry
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Baton Rouge, La.
Posts: 15,240
Hi...
Im Sharon and Im an Alcoholic.
By the grace of my HP and people
like you here in SR I havent found
it necessary to pick up a drink of
alcohol since 8-11-90.
For that and you I am truely grateful.
We were in our 7th yr marriage
when intervention took place
where family stepped in sending
me to rehab where i spent 28
day recieving the tools and
knowledge of my alcoholism.
I took those tools and applied
them to my everyday affairs
to the best of my ability grow-
ing and changing every step
of the way.
As I grew and changed my little
family was left wondering what
happened to me.
Because i had a program to
live by the family didnt under-
stand me.
I learned early on that when
one person in the family is
sick with an illness, it affects
the entire family.
They offer programs for family
members to help them under-
stand the ill person and allows
them to take care of themselves
in a healthy way.
My little family didnt see any
need for that and they because
of that we grew apart with mis-
understandings.
My spouse and I ended a 25 yr
marriage due to that.
Since then i have remarried to
someone in recovery and we
continue to live by a remarkable
recovery program we incorperate
in our daily lives one day at a time.
Im Sharon and Im an Alcoholic.
By the grace of my HP and people
like you here in SR I havent found
it necessary to pick up a drink of
alcohol since 8-11-90.
For that and you I am truely grateful.
We were in our 7th yr marriage
when intervention took place
where family stepped in sending
me to rehab where i spent 28
day recieving the tools and
knowledge of my alcoholism.
I took those tools and applied
them to my everyday affairs
to the best of my ability grow-
ing and changing every step
of the way.
As I grew and changed my little
family was left wondering what
happened to me.
Because i had a program to
live by the family didnt under-
stand me.
I learned early on that when
one person in the family is
sick with an illness, it affects
the entire family.
They offer programs for family
members to help them under-
stand the ill person and allows
them to take care of themselves
in a healthy way.
My little family didnt see any
need for that and they because
of that we grew apart with mis-
understandings.
My spouse and I ended a 25 yr
marriage due to that.
Since then i have remarried to
someone in recovery and we
continue to live by a remarkable
recovery program we incorperate
in our daily lives one day at a time.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Dallas, Tx
Posts: 2,405
Cut your losses and run. If he is an alcoholic that is no excuse for his behaviour. Lots of times when a woman gets pregnant the 'baby daddy' proposes because the think it's the right thing to do but then people change. It sounds like he's not interested in marrying you just perhaps using you as a housekeeper and that's no way to live you life, I don't know you but everyone deserves better than that.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: the high desert
Posts: 887
Sounds like he is a jerk, alcoholic or not. I would leave. I agree that it is much easier to leave before you are married than after. . .part ways, grieve the relationship, and move on. It will be better for you and your son in the long run.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: London
Posts: 266
What aehmm says... The difference is that now you cannot excuse him for his behaviour. Probably he is having a really difficult time, seeking for his new 'he'...
You both have a child. You both have a responsibility for the family. If he cannot take it, do not let him make you take care of him too. Run as fast as you can.
You both have a child. You both have a responsibility for the family. If he cannot take it, do not let him make you take care of him too. Run as fast as you can.
Member
Join Date: May 2003
Location: Pasadena, CA
Posts: 1,539
Alcoholism is a disease, and he does not sound well.
It has been my experience I must change my entire life and build a new me, sober.
If I don't, I am the same person now w/o alcohol.
If I take spiritual principles and apply them as a way of life, I change.
I am a nerw person.
One who is more patient, tolerant, respectful, kind and loving.....
It has been my experience I must change my entire life and build a new me, sober.
If I don't, I am the same person now w/o alcohol.
If I take spiritual principles and apply them as a way of life, I change.
I am a nerw person.
One who is more patient, tolerant, respectful, kind and loving.....
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 69
This doesn't sound to me like it has a whole lot to do with alcohol. You don't say your ages or circumstances, but could be some kind of life crisis, anxiety, personality disorder or a breakdown in the relationship. Hard to work at things in the absence of knowing how he feels and what he thinks is missing. I'm assuming that he is resistant to counselling. One thought may be not to allow him to be in full control of your joint decisions; not to allow him to dictate to you the terms on which you may or may not be together. But it's a really hard road. Best of luck!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: SoCal CA
Posts: 1,319
I also don't see this as an "alcohol" thing. Sometimes relationships don't work out. You accidentally got pregnant, he first thought he would take responsibility, now he is having second thoughts about spending the rest of his life with you. You would be much better served going to see a relationship counselor than asking a bunch of alcoholics what we think. Plus we are only hearing your side of the story, which makes it very easy to say, "the guy is a jerk". Sometimes people become incompatable and distant and relationships don't always work. This probably isn't the best place to seek an answer. Just sayin.
SR Fan
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Mississippi
Posts: 7,910
Agree with SuperCrew - it could be a number of things and if it were me, I'd ask him what he's thinking/feeling. It sounds like he's not sure he wants to be in the relationship.
A lot of alcoholics have underlying issues (for me it was depression) which we self-medicate for and which need to be treated after we get sober. But it doesn't seem like that would explain why he isn't more loving towards you.
Sorry about your troubles - I'm sure it's really, really hard for you right now.
A lot of alcoholics have underlying issues (for me it was depression) which we self-medicate for and which need to be treated after we get sober. But it doesn't seem like that would explain why he isn't more loving towards you.
Sorry about your troubles - I'm sure it's really, really hard for you right now.
12-Step Recovered Alkie
Join Date: May 2010
Location: West Bloomfield, MI
Posts: 5,797
No offense to you Claire nor to anyone who offered advice on whether to marry him or not.....but asking alcoholics marital advice would be like asking a.....I can't even come up with an analogy.....but it's not good. lol
I have no idea whether you should marry him, move in with him or even love him or not. After reading 1 post, I'd say it's safe to say nobody here has enough information nor do we have the experience with him and you to make a qualified recommendation.
He quit drinking.....hasn't drank in 3 yrs +/-....maybe he's an alcoholic like the aa book talks about that managed to get dry but isn't really "sober." In other words, he treated the physical problem (quit drinking) but hasn't treated the mental or spiritual problems. Maybe he's not and never was an alcoholic - maybe he was just a heavy drinker who quit drinking but is no longer in love with you. Maybe you're more in love with the idea of what you want him to be than who he "really" is. Maybe you're drawing your identity from a desire to be a wife and, if that doesn't happen, it's like part of you dies or ceases to exist. Maybe he's just a jerk. Maybe your expectations are out of line. Maybe he needs AA. Maybe you need Al-anon (for friends and family of alcoholics).
I could go on and on.......
Alcoholic or not, it's usually not good to ignore your feelings. Address your "problems" either with him, a counselor, or with him in a counselor's office. Maybe even a marriage counselor's office....or a priest's office (if you're religious). Keep searching though..maybe check out the "friends and family" room here. Reach out to some professionals in your community. My experience though, when something smells funky.......something's funky. Keep digging.
I have no idea whether you should marry him, move in with him or even love him or not. After reading 1 post, I'd say it's safe to say nobody here has enough information nor do we have the experience with him and you to make a qualified recommendation.
He quit drinking.....hasn't drank in 3 yrs +/-....maybe he's an alcoholic like the aa book talks about that managed to get dry but isn't really "sober." In other words, he treated the physical problem (quit drinking) but hasn't treated the mental or spiritual problems. Maybe he's not and never was an alcoholic - maybe he was just a heavy drinker who quit drinking but is no longer in love with you. Maybe you're more in love with the idea of what you want him to be than who he "really" is. Maybe you're drawing your identity from a desire to be a wife and, if that doesn't happen, it's like part of you dies or ceases to exist. Maybe he's just a jerk. Maybe your expectations are out of line. Maybe he needs AA. Maybe you need Al-anon (for friends and family of alcoholics).
I could go on and on.......
Alcoholic or not, it's usually not good to ignore your feelings. Address your "problems" either with him, a counselor, or with him in a counselor's office. Maybe even a marriage counselor's office....or a priest's office (if you're religious). Keep searching though..maybe check out the "friends and family" room here. Reach out to some professionals in your community. My experience though, when something smells funky.......something's funky. Keep digging.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: wakefield
Posts: 2
thanks for all your replies, someone mentioned I hadn't put ages in, im 34 and my partner is 32. I forgot to put on the original post, my partner supports us both very well financially and works very hard. This can be part of the problem sometimes though he works 6 days a week and I work 3 so never spend time together as a family. He is seeing a doctor on Thurs so fingers crossed will give us a better idea about things.
He also said he thinks I'm the most amazing person he has ever met and loves me so much, but sometimes feels that not emotionally mature enough to be in a relationship because he lost so many years drinking?? said he wouldn't want to be with anyone else either. I love him so much and want it to work for me my son and for him. He does attend meetings once or twice a week but works too hard to ever sit down and think to himself, its like hes totally confused as to what he wants from life because he cant say what he thinks would make him happy either.
Thanks for all your advice I just needed to get opinions from people with similar experiences.
He also said he thinks I'm the most amazing person he has ever met and loves me so much, but sometimes feels that not emotionally mature enough to be in a relationship because he lost so many years drinking?? said he wouldn't want to be with anyone else either. I love him so much and want it to work for me my son and for him. He does attend meetings once or twice a week but works too hard to ever sit down and think to himself, its like hes totally confused as to what he wants from life because he cant say what he thinks would make him happy either.
Thanks for all your advice I just needed to get opinions from people with similar experiences.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Try posting, at least, at the "Friends and Family" forum, and my suggestion is that you try a few Al-Anon meetings, as well. Relationships with alcoholics (drinking or not, in recovery or not) (or people with other issues) can be very confusing, to say the least.
Getting some feedback and help for yourself may help you sort out your own feelings about what is going on. I agree that until you have done that, it might be wise to postpone further legal entanglements (buying a house, getting married).
There was a recent movie about Lois Wilson (wife of one of the co-founders of AA, and herself one of the founders of Al-Anon) called "When Love is Not Enough". The title pretty much says it all. He may love you, you may love him, but that may not be enough to make for a healthy relationship with this man.
Do yourself a favor and get yourself some help for your own sake.
Getting some feedback and help for yourself may help you sort out your own feelings about what is going on. I agree that until you have done that, it might be wise to postpone further legal entanglements (buying a house, getting married).
There was a recent movie about Lois Wilson (wife of one of the co-founders of AA, and herself one of the founders of Al-Anon) called "When Love is Not Enough". The title pretty much says it all. He may love you, you may love him, but that may not be enough to make for a healthy relationship with this man.
Do yourself a favor and get yourself some help for your own sake.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,917
If he thinks he's not prepared for a relationship, believe him! Not only is he telling you the truth, his actions have proven as much. The worst thing you could possibly do is to get legally tied to this man.
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