Day 13 without. And just how sick have I been all these years?
Stumbling Drunk
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: NJ
Posts: 36
Day 13 without. And just how sick have I been all these years?
This is my third post on SR... so, yeah, I'm on day thirteen sober and it's the WEEKEND again! Uh oh... normally I used to keep it under control (hah, yeah right) and only drink 12-15 beers on the weeknights, but weekends I would drink up to two 30-packs. Weekends have long been my "special reward time" -- whatever that means. I've mentioned in a previous post my weekend "six-hour-cycle". As soon as I got home from work Friday eve (and by soon I mean before even closing the front door or putting down my car keys) I would start slamming as many as possible as fast as possible. No kidding 2-3 beers in the first 20 minutes of getting home. My special reward. When I'd get to 18 or so about 6 hours later I'd pass out and sleep for maybe 6 hours. Wake up at 4 am and do it again. 6-and-6, that's my happy cycle. Six hours slamming, six hours sleeping. Over and over.
Doing the 6-and-6 for so many years has led me to some strange conclusions. Here's one that seemed perfectly normal until I stopped drinking 13 days ago: "My favorite time to get really blasted is from 12:00 am to 6:00 am." Yep, I said that to myself all the time and I would try to schedule my 6-and-six for that "special time" of 12 to 6 am.
I can't lie... there are times when I really enjoyed myself in that cycle. All by myself, at 3 am, just sitting there laughing and laughing. Laughing till I was in tears. I video taped myself a few times because I was curious how I looked. It's not pleasant to watch. I looked like a different person. Different facial expressions, different walking (when I wasn't falling down, which would be often), strange look in my eyes, etc... a laughing alien from the planet Intoxica.
I stopped thirteen days ago. I just couldn't take it. I'm in my mid-30's now and I have been doing this for 15 years. I have no memory of my three day weekend of the July 4 holiday. I guess there were many 6-an-6's over those three days, but I really have almost no memory. Well, yes I do. I remember laughing by myself. I have no idea about what.
Now that it's almost two weeks, my cravings are more managable. I think I can get through this weekend so long as I keep reminding myself that it won't be fun if I "put a drunk on". I'll just lose memory of it anyway.
My body is definitely going through changes since I stopped. I sleep DEEP. I can't get enough sleep. I don't know if my body is repairing itself or what. I hope so. There's another thing. This is kinda gross, but when I perspire, the smell is SO strong. It's foul. I have to shower a few times per day lately. I've never had that before. I wonder if maybe my body is flushing out toxins from all the drinking or something. And if that's true, then I think I must have been literally poisoning my body in an extreme way.
For so many years now, I don't think I've realized how sick I've really been, despite being funtional.
I guess I'm using SR as a diary for myself. Evey so often I just have to pour this stuff out somewhere or I'll go bonkers.
You know I think I might like to put a drunk on right now. But I'm not going to. For now, anyway.
Thanks to anyone who has read this far.
LT
Doing the 6-and-6 for so many years has led me to some strange conclusions. Here's one that seemed perfectly normal until I stopped drinking 13 days ago: "My favorite time to get really blasted is from 12:00 am to 6:00 am." Yep, I said that to myself all the time and I would try to schedule my 6-and-six for that "special time" of 12 to 6 am.
I can't lie... there are times when I really enjoyed myself in that cycle. All by myself, at 3 am, just sitting there laughing and laughing. Laughing till I was in tears. I video taped myself a few times because I was curious how I looked. It's not pleasant to watch. I looked like a different person. Different facial expressions, different walking (when I wasn't falling down, which would be often), strange look in my eyes, etc... a laughing alien from the planet Intoxica.
I stopped thirteen days ago. I just couldn't take it. I'm in my mid-30's now and I have been doing this for 15 years. I have no memory of my three day weekend of the July 4 holiday. I guess there were many 6-an-6's over those three days, but I really have almost no memory. Well, yes I do. I remember laughing by myself. I have no idea about what.
Now that it's almost two weeks, my cravings are more managable. I think I can get through this weekend so long as I keep reminding myself that it won't be fun if I "put a drunk on". I'll just lose memory of it anyway.
My body is definitely going through changes since I stopped. I sleep DEEP. I can't get enough sleep. I don't know if my body is repairing itself or what. I hope so. There's another thing. This is kinda gross, but when I perspire, the smell is SO strong. It's foul. I have to shower a few times per day lately. I've never had that before. I wonder if maybe my body is flushing out toxins from all the drinking or something. And if that's true, then I think I must have been literally poisoning my body in an extreme way.
For so many years now, I don't think I've realized how sick I've really been, despite being funtional.
I guess I'm using SR as a diary for myself. Evey so often I just have to pour this stuff out somewhere or I'll go bonkers.
You know I think I might like to put a drunk on right now. But I'm not going to. For now, anyway.
Thanks to anyone who has read this far.
LT
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Texas
Posts: 275
I'm right behind you, today is day 11 for me. I'm in my mid 30's and drank exactly like that for 15 years. Beer, 24/7. Even on weeknights I would pop up at 3 unable to sleep and drink 3-4 to get back to sleep. And when I woke back up at 6 or 7 I'd need 5-6 more, before work. The weekends it was as you said, I almost thought I was having fun when I'd wake up at 4 am and start back up...like HA! I'm on my front porch catching a buzz and all these dumb neighbors are dead asleep missing out. I'm still craving, and my emotions are a friken roller coaster, but I feel better and I see now how utterly pathetic it is do drink THAT much beer. And not to mention its $$$ to buy that much. This is my 2nd weekend and its definately tough, but so am I...I'm determined to not get back in that awful cycle. Hang in there, hope this helps to see you weren't the only one geting drunk 3 times a day!
Stumbling Drunk
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: NJ
Posts: 36
Originally Posted by TexasNative 
I'm on my front porch catching a buzz and all these dumb neighbors are dead asleep missing out.
Thanks much for writing.
LT
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: Pacific Northwest
Posts: 10
I hear ya about the weekends...oh wait...I drank every single day! I'm on day 6. Yesterday was a struggle, but I made it. If I can get past 8pm..I usually settle down. Way to go on your journey. Your message is inspiring!
Oh....and beat it now. I'm 56 and wish I had been brave enough to attack this in my thirties.
Oh....and beat it now. I'm 56 and wish I had been brave enough to attack this in my thirties.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,444
All by myself, at 3 am, just sitting there laughing and laughing. Laughing till I was in tears. I video taped myself a few times because I was curious how I looked. It's not pleasant to watch. I looked like a different person. Different facial expressions, different walking (when I wasn't falling down, which would be often), strange look in my eyes, etc... a laughing alien from the planet Intoxica.
Congrats on your day 13
D
Guest
Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 2,013
Hey man. Thanks for posting. I related a lot to your post. I too used to like the graveyard shift!! LOL. Midnight till 6.00 am. I used to be all alone getting loaded whilst everybody else slept.
I too used to just sit by myself slamming beer after beer as well as whacking copious amounts of Cocaine up my nose and slamming Ecstacy pill after Ecstacy pill. I would feel the buzz welling up inside of me and the smile just literally appearing on my face. I would be sitting there just grinning from cheek to cheek. I remember just thinking how fantastic it was for those hours and how if only everybody realised how good drink and drugs were.
I realise now that very few people actually use alcohol and drugs like that. Those who do run the risk of it all turning nasty and their lives being destroyed as alcoholism sets in and addiction. That's what happened to me. The smile and laughter turned to anger and frustration and the drinking and drugging interfering with every other aspect of my life. Also my mental health was battered too.
I reached the stage where I really didn't want to "put a drunk on". When I thought through what that meant then it wasn't pretty.
Be careful that you don't view your drinking binges through 'euphoric recall'. I can recall my times drinking and drugging now with relative clarity, with over a year sober. However I still have to make sure that my alkie mind doesn't try to glamorise my drinking and drugging binges. I remember how utterly crap I felt afterwards and how lost and tortured I was during them. I also remember sitting in court and the police cells too. I remember the terrible hangove/Wd's too. The panic attacks and the anxiety. The £100's spent on Cocaine alone in one binge. Not knowing if I was remembering dreams or actual things that I did in blackout. All of that crap for the sake of a fleeting buzz. That is the reality.
Thanks for posting though. I could relate and I'm glad that I don't put myself through that anymore.
Living sober and in recovery from alcoholism is so much more rewarding and gratifying than catching a quick buzz off booze and drugs for me. That was fake, didn't last and came at a terrible cost but this is real and keeps on getting better 'one day at a time'.
Peace
I too used to just sit by myself slamming beer after beer as well as whacking copious amounts of Cocaine up my nose and slamming Ecstacy pill after Ecstacy pill. I would feel the buzz welling up inside of me and the smile just literally appearing on my face. I would be sitting there just grinning from cheek to cheek. I remember just thinking how fantastic it was for those hours and how if only everybody realised how good drink and drugs were.
I realise now that very few people actually use alcohol and drugs like that. Those who do run the risk of it all turning nasty and their lives being destroyed as alcoholism sets in and addiction. That's what happened to me. The smile and laughter turned to anger and frustration and the drinking and drugging interfering with every other aspect of my life. Also my mental health was battered too.
I reached the stage where I really didn't want to "put a drunk on". When I thought through what that meant then it wasn't pretty.
Be careful that you don't view your drinking binges through 'euphoric recall'. I can recall my times drinking and drugging now with relative clarity, with over a year sober. However I still have to make sure that my alkie mind doesn't try to glamorise my drinking and drugging binges. I remember how utterly crap I felt afterwards and how lost and tortured I was during them. I also remember sitting in court and the police cells too. I remember the terrible hangove/Wd's too. The panic attacks and the anxiety. The £100's spent on Cocaine alone in one binge. Not knowing if I was remembering dreams or actual things that I did in blackout. All of that crap for the sake of a fleeting buzz. That is the reality.
Thanks for posting though. I could relate and I'm glad that I don't put myself through that anymore.
Living sober and in recovery from alcoholism is so much more rewarding and gratifying than catching a quick buzz off booze and drugs for me. That was fake, didn't last and came at a terrible cost but this is real and keeps on getting better 'one day at a time'.
Peace
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: Florida
Posts: 649
Congrats on your sobriety LT and the post. I to was on a cycle and believe it was more like 6-and-4. Six hours drinking then pass out for four hours. A few times I had moments of resentment but that passed after a few more beers and getting to the point of delirium.
I never want to go back to that cycle and being on Day five without ANY cravings, I think I'm on the right track. As my Dad always told me "It's time to get your head out of your a$$." He was so true....
I never want to go back to that cycle and being on Day five without ANY cravings, I think I'm on the right track. As my Dad always told me "It's time to get your head out of your a$$." He was so true....
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
Congratulations to our members in early sobriety....
Becoming a non drinker is difficult but
Yes! you too can win over alcohol.
Millions of alcoholics have done it!
Becoming a non drinker is difficult but
Yes! you too can win over alcohol.
Millions of alcoholics have done it!
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