greenway

14 days (almost). I drank tonight. I got anxious about stopping the anti-anxiety meds tomorrow. How ridiculous is that!? I went to the pool, knowing darn well that neighbors would be there with plenty of booze. It's 10:30 now and I had a few beers earlier. It was enough to totally and thoroughly make me want to drink more. I'm refraining now (with some difficulty), as I've done enough damage already! I am so upset with myself. I had such a good 2 weeks. I was only starting to begin to feel liberated. It's been at least 14 years since I have been able to go more than a couple hours without obsessing about alcohol- in the last couple weeks, I was able to go days.

It felt really good! I have an almost 3yo child, a new job, and a refreshed outlook on the possibility of sobriety. Whether it is fortunate or not, I have an appointment with my addiction and anxiety counselor tomorrow and I need to tell her the truth about tonight. I am feeling so weak and so stupid.

Now, I just feel more hopeless. Well, that sounds wrong. I am not hopeless, but I am discouraged. I have had debilitating anxiety as long as I can remember- booze both fuels the fire and supplies the hose. If I had sought treatment for my anxiety 15 years ago, it's possible that I would not be an addict. Once you become an addict and maintain that lifestyle for as long as I have, it becomes difficult for the therapist to treat the anxiety.

Well, tomorrow is a new day. Tomorrow is another day where I can choose. I would be bluffing if I said that I am no longer worried about losing "the crutch". I am embarrassed and sad about this evening, but I suppose it could be worse and I am willing to be honest tomorrow.

I'll update tomorrow with what has happened. I hope my counselor kicks my as* and keeps me accountable. If she doesn't, then I need a new mentor! I am eager to please

Thanks for all the great posts and advice. This forum was what first lead me towards treatment. I thought that it was not possible due to financial constraints- which is what my family had always told me. I found some great advice here and followed-up. I may have screwed up this evening, but I am still thankful for the great advice and guidance, thanks folks

Dee74

Hi greenway

It can be tough trying to change the habits of a lifetime.

Don't beat yourself up - you did well with nearly two weeks...but please - do look at what you were thinking, why you thought it, and especially at what you did.

Personally noone else could ever keep me accountable....not parents or girlfriends, not friends, not bosses, not counsellors or doctors.

Supports important, but I only started to make headway when I realised it was my responsibility, and my call.

I'd go as far to say thats the only way this deal really ever works.

Go kick your butt....and then move on
D

wichitaks

Right there with ya greenway, I had 13 days sober and put myself in the exact same position as you(pool party) Ironically I held my ground there and gave in later at a restaurant, but nonetheless I feel your pain. You work so hard to get to 2 weeks and it can all be taken away with that first drink. Luckily everybody here has been through it and knows how hard the struggle can be and wont judge you. I fell off but got right back on and Im sure you will to. I also have struggled with anxiety throughout my life even taking medication for 2 plus years, and the 2 weeks I was sober was the least anxious time Ive had for years. Good luck to you in your recovery and dont get down on yourself, as I've come to realize sobriety is a long road and there are many people here to support you

Snarf

Dee is right, it can be tough to change. Especially when something is so ingrained in your life as alcohol can be. But nothing changes if nothing changes. My entire mindset had to change before I was able put down the bottle 76 days ago. I had to do things that I didn't do before, and I had to stop doing things I had done. My life has changed a lot in these last 11 weeks. I've had to come to terms with the fact that the only thing in this world I can control is my actions, because sometimes I can't even control my own thoughts. And by taking control of my actions from wake till sleep, I've managed to stay off the booze for this short but blessed period of time.

I have not done it by myself, far from it. I've had plenty of help, from others who have been through many of the same things as me. I've needed to speak with people who have similar experiences to myself. I believe I've undergone (and am constantly doing so) a spiritual change which has helped me to address my physical, mental and emotional issues that lead to and result from my obsession with alcohol. SR has been a big part of that, so has AA, so have my family and friends. I feel blessed to have these things in my life to help me every day. I hope you're able to achieve the change you seek.

intention

Hi and welcome, please update us when you get back from your counselling session.

artsoul

Hang in there, greenway and don't let this one slip set you all the way back. I like what Snarf said about "controlling our actions" even if we can't control our thoughts. We have to be patient and wait out those cravings. Not easy, but so worth it. I hope your counseling session goes well today and gives you renewed strength.

Kmber2010

Im glad you are posting and sharing. People do relapse but the question is will we rise from it and strengthen or lie there feeling sorry for ourselves?

i relapsed and got back up. I learned from it and used it to fuel my desire to remain sober. You can to as so many others have.

I suffered wicked anxiety that was brought about by alcohol. Alcohol will only increase your anxiety, even though many of us look towards it to numb and stop the pain.

Huggs for picking back up and reaching out to your counselor. We can always find 100 reasons holding us back from sobriety but there is only one - Us.

You can do it friend....you showed that by going 2 weeks and I am proud of you. Now get off the pity party, suck it up, hang tight, get support like mad, and get sober.

Keep posting. It kept me sane when I thought I was unable to break free from the beast.

Lazyboy

I did it too....on day 3 never quit quiting. Peace,Lazyboy

NoHo

Drinking again after a couple of weeks doesn't negate going two weeks without it. You went two weeks - that's a plus. Now go beat it by at least one more week. At three weeks, you may decide to try for four, then five, six, etc. Self-deception lies in thinking that "slipping up" is excusable. It's not, but you know that. It's also not an excuse to fall off course.

ozgoddess

Hi Greenway - well done for coming back here and sharing your relapse. It helps us all to remember that we are all vulnerable to relapse, no matter how long we have stopped.

Life is for living and also for learning. You will learn from this experience and then you can choose not to repeat the same mistakes. Like Dee says, try and remember your triggers and then avoid them in future.

Day at a time. Try not to look to far into the future and what life will be like without alcohol. Enjoy today - Sober Promise yourself you will not drink today. Wake up hangover free

Take care :ghug3