daphne

Hi there
not been on here for a little while
I had been doing really well
Had been managing my dependency well and going to the gym . I had stopped the cycle of self destructive behaviour. All was positive
I saw a counsellor on Monday and WOW
Although only an assessment session I got to the "core" issues straight away
I cried buckets and opened myself
She said it was a privelege that I had shared so much
She agreed with my philosphy that my drinking is not a disease/illness and that I needed to address the underlying issues that made me feel i needed to drink
Problem is since the session I have been back drinking daily, not a huge amount but everyday and stopped the gym healthy lifestyle
Why ??

least

In dealing with depression and other emotional problems, it seems that it gets worse before it gets better. Long-buried emotions come to the surface and it can feel like a tidal wave knocking you down. Drinking makes our problems worse. Please get help in quitting drinking again.

Whether or not alcoholism is a disease/illness, it will always make you sick in body and mind. I too had a lot of depression after I stopped drinking cause the fog of alcohol had lifted and my buried feelings all came to the surface. I got counseling, which helped, and I also found that my meds for depression and anxiety worked much better when not drowned out with alcohol.

Please continue the counseling and try to stop drinking again. (((hugs)))

Anna

Daphne,

I totally agree that we have to deal with the underlying issues, and I understand how very hard that is. It means looking at the good, the bad and the ugly and beginning to accept it. Honestly, I think there is no way around this, but to get through it, and it's the getting through it, that will make you stronger.

But, for me, I also needed to stop drinking in order to take care of myself physically, mentally and spiritually.

daphne

Thanks guys
I know its a process I have to do
I know the drinking over the years has been a way of supressing the feelings inside of being hurt and abandoned and rejected since childhood. Being betrayed by the people who should be there for you.
The therapist said I have been wearing a mask of a strong independent woman. To maintain that mask i needed to use drink to dampen the anger and hurt I have inside
she said my story made her want to cry as I had been through such awful experiences , yet I have not acknowledged or expressed these feeling.
She said I had a look of fear and terror on my face as I spoke about some of what happened in the past ....like a little child
I am not returning to drinking like I used to
I am still hopeful I will and can control my dependency

Horselover

In my opinion you did what all alcoholics do and that is you turned to alcohol when things got too painful or unkind. Its how we "deal" or rather not deal with life. When we put down the bottle and face life on is when we recover. Sorry you are going through this right now. I hope it gets easier for you.

intention

Hi Daphne, it's good to see you. I have been wondering how you have been doing. That's good progress you have made with the counselling - even though it is very painful for you.

Just a thought - could it be because she said to quit you need to address the underlying issues and that's got going to happen in one or even a few sessions so that in effect (in your mind) means you can drink until you have been fixed.
take care.

littlefish

Well, that is my story, to a "T". I could have written every word of that myself!
I resisted the idea that alcoholism is a disease for a long time. But, I believe it now, more completely than I ever imagined I would.
When I drink, something happens. Something that is completely unexplainable and different from other people's reactions to alcohol. A radical change is triggered in my mind and body: I have to have more and more drinks after that first one.

Even if I go to bed and sleep 8 hours and spend the next morning without drinking, the mental obssession and physical craving is still there: I still want to continue drinking continuously, up to 24 hours later.

You've discussed here your doubts whether you are an alcoholic or not and only you can ultimately decide that.

Sorry you've gone through the trauma of peeling away those first layers of the emotional onion skin. If it is any consolation, it is a healthy and liberating process in the long run. Not especially fun in the beginning but there is freedom, happiness and emotional stability at the end of the process.

Mark75

I would suggest that you consider not drinking during this phase of your counseling. Feelings that come out of your sessions should be experienced, understood, and processed... that can't be done very well if you are obliterated!! You want to get your money's worth out of therapy, right? Go back to the gym, work those demons out there...

Hope you do well Daphne!

Mark

AlwaysGrowing

Not sure if you know the build the house on Sand or build the house on stone story but from my time sober I know I need to have a support system (AA and AA friends/sponcer in my case) to help me deal with 'crap' that comes up.

Sounds like the 'crap' is now back up and the drinking is trying to cover it up. Believe me the 'crap' never goes away until dealt with sober.
AG

Dee74

I'm glad to see you back Daphne

I agree with others here - therapy always left me feeling raw, and I would always turn to my coping mechanism of choice - drink.

For me I think this was a way of avoiding feelings that I was scared of...and for me it rendered my therapy ineffective because I feel now I didn't actually face anything at all.

Do try to stop drinking and get back with your routine. I know therapy is difficult, but you'll find a lot of support here

D

daphne

thanks for your messages of support guys
when I said I my first session had triggered the resumption of my drinking I meant that I have been have a few drinks a day
I have not been "obliterating" anything . I have just stopped being so pro actve this week. Only been to gym once , eating crappy food (comfort) and feeling if I am honest "sorry for myself"
I think the therapists reaction to my story allowed me to feel sorry for myself. Gave me "permission" to say yes what happened to me was really **** and I am allowed to grieve, wallow a bit and not try and stay strong.
She said one of my more recent "life events" was equivalent to a major sudden traumatic loss. As in her view it would totally change a persons "world view" and rock thei belief in everything.
We did speak about the drinking specifically. She said my arguement I wanted the choice/freedom to have a drink when I wanted to (rather than medics deciding that ) was crap. She said because I felt I HAVE to drink in my life at times ,is a restriction of choice a lack of freedom ,as I admitted I am dedpendant.
I know I need to give up drinking to heal fully and am back on the wagon this week. Back to the gym 3 times a week and healthy diet.

intention

Hi Daphe

Well I am glad you are back on the wagon again. Have they given you regular counselling sessions?

tyler

I had a similar experience when I had my first session with my new phychitrist. The first session is usually where they do an "intake" and ask a lot of questions, that sometimes "cut to the quick" of you issues. My session was very rough. At the end, before she adjusted my perscriptions, she took my blood preasure, it was through the roof. She was concerned, but I told her that I was very anxious right now, and that was the reason. Next time I came back, it was normal.

My point is that the first session can be rough. A lot of stuff can be dug up with nothing done to deal with any of it. I was lucky enough to have an appointment with my theripist scheduled right after my doctors appt, and she kinda helped talk me down. Just wanted to let you know you are not alone with this and it does get better. Hang in there. Take care.