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Hi my name is Amanda. Day 12.

Old 01-30-2010, 06:20 AM
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Hi my name is Amanda. Day 12.

Hello, My name is Amanda and I'm an addict.

I'm very self analytical, But also very impulsive and I'm pretty much the poster child for self sabotage. (Saying that, and being self analytical, I am very hard on myself).

I've come to realize that I'm an addict to escapism.

Drinking, Sex, Drugs, Self harm, whatever I can use to escape.

I'm trying to work on one thing at a time, so not to overwhelm myself.
Lately, my drinking is the biggest problem.

Drunk isn't enough. I have to be completely annihilated. I can't have one, or two, or even twelve. I drink until I am blacked out, passed out, and completely ashamed of the stories I hear the next morning.

It's also affecting my mental health (I have horrible PTSD episodes almost everytime I drink in the last few months, and having strangers trying to calm you down for 6 straight hours while you're blacked out and screaming is no fun, for anyone).

Also, My relationship with my best friend of 8 years, who I live with and have lied to and completely disrespected for a while now. She's all I have and I can't lose her to whiskey.

I do believe that I am a good person. I care very much about other people, Even if I don't know them. I always try to be kind, and consoling. My favorite thing in the world is to make others Happy, relaxed, comfortable, and to keep them Laughing. I think I was just brought into the world given the wrong tools. I would like to change them in for the correct ones before It's too late.

I'm still very young (20),...This is probably not the best time to stop, since my 21st birthday is about 8 months away..but I know that if I were to wait, This wouldn't happen.

Theres more but I think you get the gist of it. Thank you for reading, and I hope I can become part of your family =] I am very excited about this site!

<3


Day 12 Sober!
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Old 01-30-2010, 06:44 AM
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Wow! Welcome Amanda! Glad you are here. I could have written what you wrote--reminds me alot of myself. And yes--now is the time to stop if you think you have a problem. It will only progress and get worse...the drinking etc I mean if you continue. You are not alone. There is a solution. Keep reaching out to others for help. We do recover.

Congrats on 12 days!
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Old 01-30-2010, 06:50 AM
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Welcome Amanda.
It takes a lot of courage to quit at any age but especially at such a young age and I admire you for that.
I wish you all the best in your pursuit for a better life.
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Old 01-30-2010, 06:51 AM
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Congrats on making the decision to stop drinking before something much worse happens. You are very young and have your whole life ahead of you, and by not drinking you will make it a much better safer life.

Welcome to SR!
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Old 01-30-2010, 07:08 AM
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Thank you so much everyone! =)

I've been in and out of AA and NA for the past 6 years. (Started going with my mother when I was 14) It's been awhile now, and I was ignorant thinking I could control myself. It's hard returning to the rooms after so long..I always feel so ashamed because I feel like everyone knows why I haven't been back. So finding this site, was just what I needed. I'm grateful for you all, and I don't even know you =) thank you again!
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Old 01-30-2010, 07:17 AM
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Hi Amanda,

Welcome and congrats on Day 12!

Self-sabotage set me up for addiction and prevented me from recovering sooner than I did. Believe deeply that you deserve a good life!

Of course you are not a bad person. Addiction is not a character defect, it's a disease.

I hope you keep reading and posting.
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Old 01-30-2010, 07:22 AM
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Thank you Anna, and believe me, I will...I think I'm now already addicted to this site XD lmao.
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Old 01-30-2010, 10:57 AM
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Hi Amanda and welcome. Well done on 12 days.

Going to NA and AA and admitting the you now realise you cannot do it on your own, is nothing to be ashamed of. You will be welcomed back with open arms.

I hope you go and reach out for help. Your 21st birthday could be the best birthday of your life so far, if you are sober and clean.
Keep in touch.
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Old 01-30-2010, 01:22 PM
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Hi Amanda

I was addicted to escapism too. I was twice your age before I figured that out tho, so you're streets ahead of me

I got tired of running away. I stood and faced stuff, both inside me and out - and with the help of the brilliant people here, and others, I got through

I know you'll find a lot of support here too - welcome

D
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Old 02-01-2010, 08:12 AM
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Hey Amanda, glad to hear about your 12 days, and good to see you in SA.

Thinking/hoping that/telling yourself that you can control or manage your addiction is apparently very common, someone put a great quote about it in a thread of mine recently, from the Big Book. Shame..shame kept me from going back to AA for over a year, and I regret it very much today. When I did come back, I was welcomed with smiles and 'glad you are back's, not judgment.

Many people there have been in the exact same situation. I hope you keep up the sobriety (:

At AA last night there was a girl who talked who is just about to turn 22, and she got her 10 month chip. Said it will be the first sober birthday for her since she was 13, and that her last one, her 21st, she ended up somehow cutting off a finger in her state of complete wastedness. So I agree with Intention, this might be the best birthday ever for you!
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Old 02-01-2010, 10:50 AM
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I have to be completely annihilated.
Those were my words exactly. Welcome.
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