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Things have gotten really bad

Old 01-04-2010, 05:21 PM
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Things have gotten really bad

I first posted here in October. Quit for a week, then decided to try to moderate. No surprise, it hasn't worked. I've set rule after rule, trick after trick, and they've all failed. I'm in much worse shape than I was in October. Physically mentally...spiritually? (which is something I've never believed in....but who cares what I believe I right now? I know nothing. I feel rotten right now, just mean and hateful toward the world. Spirit or no spirit, that just can't be right.)

I don't understand what it means to be powerless over alcohol. What I do know is, right now, I can't stop. I can't even slow down. I can't even stop from speedng up. Alcohol has now taken everything from me, my job is in jeopardy, my health, my friends avoid me, my family, and I avoid them. I stayed home on NYE, just so I could drink alone, like I prefer now. And yet I just can't quit. Heck, men are supposed to do anything for sex....and I don't even bother with dating anymore. Too hard to stay sober on a date.

So, I think I'm ready. God, I hope I'm ready, because I don't want to let this get worse. I know it can get worse, and that scares me. My job is the last thing that keeps my sober a good portion of the day. If I lose that, good grief.

I'm ready to quit. I'll do anything to quit. So I guess, thanks for being there right now, because this feels good to post. And, perchance is anyone in the Washington DC area? There are a huge amount of AA meetings around here, and I was wondering if anybody has a suggestion on one to start. If not, no big deal, I'll just pick one. Thanks.
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Old 01-04-2010, 05:25 PM
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Hi Malcolm,

It really does sound like you recognize that things are getting worse for you. I made up rules too, and kept breaking them, kept sneaking around more and more and staying home alone whenever I could. Alcoholism causes such self-loathing. And, yes, sadly it can get worse.

But, the good news is that you can stop and you can reclaim your life. I hope you keep reading and posting and I'm so glad you are here seeking support.
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Old 01-04-2010, 05:36 PM
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Hey Malcolm...

I'm not in DC... but if you see a meeting listed as a newcomers or beginners meeting, that would be a great place to start. There are speaker meetings, big book meetings, discussion meetings... My home group does big book/step meetings on Mondays and open discussion meetings on Thursdays. I go to a beginners meeting on Sundays that I really like, it is a open discussion meeting.

It sounds like you might be powerless... not much more to understand about that which you are not experiencing right now. The important next step for you is to find the power... which is where the next 2 steps come in...

And it sounds like you might be willing to go to any length necessary.

If you want to discuss the 12 step approach in detail and tap into some experience strength and hope along these lines, I'd like to invite you over to the 12 step support section of this forum... just post your questions about powerlessness and surrender and I think you'll be glad you did.

Mark
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Old 01-04-2010, 07:37 PM
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Thanks. There is an open beginner discussion meeting near my house on Thursday. I will start with that.
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Old 01-04-2010, 07:41 PM
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perfect... if you find a meeting before Thursday, even better!!

Keep posting, grow your willingness and be rigorously honest and open minded. Good luck my friend, reach out whenever you need to.

Mark
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Old 01-04-2010, 07:44 PM
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welcom,e back Malcoms

and no, nowhere near DC. on the opposite side of the continent in fact.

but the problem is the same.

get yourself connected with the recovery in your area
inundate
saturate yourself in it.

you can do this
and you're not alone.!
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Old 01-04-2010, 07:57 PM
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Welcome back. You sound like you are ready to quit....you really do. I hope you get to that meeting and you continue to come to SR and post.

Best wishes to you.
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Old 01-04-2010, 07:58 PM
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Originally Posted by Cubile75 View Post
perfect... if you find a meeting before Thursday, even better!!

Keep posting, grow your willingness and be rigorously honest and open minded. Good luck my friend, reach out whenever you need to.

Mark
Yes, you are absolutely right I shouldn't wait. There are some other meetings that will harder to fit around work, but I'll try to get there sooner.
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Old 01-04-2010, 09:20 PM
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Originally Posted by Malcolms View Post
I first posted here in October. Quit for a week, then decided to try to moderate. No surprise, it hasn't worked. I've set rule after rule, trick after trick, and they've all failed. I'm in much worse shape than I was in October. Physically mentally...spiritually? (which is something I've never believed in....but who cares what I believe I right now? I know nothing. I feel rotten right now, just mean and hateful toward the world. Spirit or no spirit, that just can't be right.)

I don't understand what it means to be powerless over alcohol. What I do know is, right now, I can't stop. I can't even slow down. I can't even stop from speedng up. Alcohol has now taken everything from me, my job is in jeopardy, my health, my friends avoid me, my family, and I avoid them. I stayed home on NYE, just so I could drink alone, like I prefer now. And yet I just can't quit. Heck, men are supposed to do anything for sex....and I don't even bother with dating anymore. Too hard to stay sober on a date.

So, I think I'm ready. God, I hope I'm ready, because I don't want to let this get worse. I know it can get worse, and that scares me. My job is the last thing that keeps my sober a good portion of the day. If I lose that, good grief.

I'm ready to quit. I'll do anything to quit. So I guess, thanks for being there right now, because this feels good to post. And, perchance is anyone in the Washington DC area? There are a huge amount of AA meetings around here, and I was wondering if anybody has a suggestion on one to start. If not, no big deal, I'll just pick one. Thanks.
Just a great post. I can so identify with everything you wrote. I, as well as many others here, have lived it. This time last year I really thought that was how I would die, feeling everything you are feeling. I couldn't feel more different today. There's very little "instant gratification" in sobriety, but if you stick with it you will be amazed how much better your life can be. I wish you well as you start your journey in ernest. Take care.
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Old 01-04-2010, 10:00 PM
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Originally Posted by Malcolms View Post
I'm ready to quit. I'll do anything to quit.
Malcolms, welcome to SR.

You are NOT alone. I have felt the exact same desperation to quit drinking, actually just 5 days ago! Thank you for your post......and I believe, reaching out is a very big first step!!

I'll do anything to quit......I say that over and over hoping that *I* mean it this time! I know that I feel stronger today then I did 5 days ago. I wish I had an AA meeting to go to, I have had such great experiences with them over the years, if I had of done the work and used the tools provided for me, I might be sober today! Can not dwell on the past today, I am just grateful to be here sober and posting today!!

Please share with us how your first meeting went!! I am remembering my first meeting and how good it felt to know that I was not alone in my journey!! There really are people that care!!

I wish I had a some powerful words of wisdom for you but I don't....all I can offer is support, no judgment and plenty of encouragement!!

We can do this!!!

Day 4
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Old 01-04-2010, 10:09 PM
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I have just come back here after a little more than a year. In that year I did what you did - quit for a little while, made rules, broke them, had friends, lost them after going too far - turning up to work drunk was the last straw. So now I am back too, and I really hope you start to feel better...
My last drink was New Years and before that a month sober, and things are so much better, in ways I cannot begin to explain. Just keep trying and don't beat yourself up for minor failures. There seem to be so many more possibilities now.

Good luck.
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Old 01-05-2010, 02:17 AM
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Welcome Malcoms!
First of all, you are not alone. I could have written your post. I was a solitary drinker: I did exactly what you did: avoid parties so I could drink alone.

I joined SR in 2007 and the best advice I got here was: 1) make a plan, 2) find a program, 3) use the program.

Those tools are out there if you choose to use them.

My plan: I started with a visit to my doctor for liver levels. (Amazingly, my liver was okay but I had high blood cholesterol. What luck to discover that).
My program: I registered as a patient with an outpatient addiction treatment center. I found a therapist. I went to my first AA meeting. I found a sponsor. I started working the steps.

Recovery, as someone here said it so well, is about doing things, getting into action. When we first consider recovery, many of us think that it is all about not doing things, (drinking, using).
Not true: recovery is action based!
Good luck, you will find a lot of support here...SR is a great site for recovery.
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Old 01-05-2010, 06:29 AM
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Kate, Inside Out, my guess is January is a big month for trying to quit. Wishing you all the luck in the world. Kate, I haven't gone a month sober in 6 years, so thats something to be proud of. And you sound like its made a big difference for you. I'm sure there will be a class of January thread open at some point, we should try to keep in touch.

Littlefish, yes, I do need to make an appointment with my doctor. Blessedly, I have been free from severe withdrawal symptoms. I'm a little jittery and having trouble sleeping, but that is all. But I need to find out how much damage I've done. For the past few weeks, my heart has been beating awfully fast, which I want to have checked out.
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Old 01-05-2010, 07:01 AM
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Originally Posted by Malcolms View Post
I don't understand what it means to be powerless over alcohol. What I do know is, right now, I can't stop.
That about sums up powerlessness, Malcolms. Despite all the consequences you face and the way you feel, you can't stop and stay stopped. The Big Book of AA (1st Ed.) says, "If, when you honestly want to, you find you can not quit entirely (and entirely means entirely)...you are probably alcoholic. If that be the case, you may be suffering from an illness which only a spiritual experience will conquer."

The whole program of AA is about how to have that spiritual experience which will solve your problem. Specific, precise actions are laid out in that book, which, when taken, will result in a spiritual awakening (or personality change sufficient to overcome alcoholism if that phrasing suits you better) that will conquer your alcoholism.

When I hit a point where I couldn't go living another day like I was, I called a guy in AA who talked about just what I posted. He was a guy who knew the directions for having that vital spiritual experience. He wasn't one of these hang around the rooms and hope that sobriety rubs off on you. He was all about getting me into action.

And that's the difference, really, between the thousand other times I had sworn off drinking, only to fail in a few days or few weeks or few months. The decision has no meaning unless followed up with vigorous action to have that needed spiritual awakening.

I hope you can find that guy, Malcolms. And if you don't see him, keep looking or ask for him. Say you're looking for a guy that can show you how to have a spiritual awakening as the result of the Steps. He'll show up.
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Old 01-05-2010, 07:02 AM
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Originally Posted by tyler View Post
There's very little "instant gratification" in sobriety, but if you stick with it you will be amazed how much better your life can be.
Well said, it seems like something I need to keep in mind.

I haven't gone a month sober in 6 years
I haven't in 4 years, but in 9 days it's gonna happen - despite my disbelief of it ever being able to happen to me. You're far from alone - come to SR often and get your thoughts out.

All the best in your journey forward.
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Old 01-05-2010, 02:52 PM
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Thanks for the post.......I feel like you took a page out of my life. I started back to AA today and it is awesome! Something happened in the meeting today that I can't explain...It just felt right. One day at a time brother......
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