gingerblue

Should I even be posting in recovery? My 3 half assed attempts have only lasted a couple days, with yesterday being a total bender..(I woke up to a bunch of empty sunflower seeds in my bed...uh, okay???)

I concede defeat. My way of doing sobriety is not working, my will is just not strong enough--even though it feels iron clad right now. I know come late afternoon, it's all over.

I sent my friend a message, telling her I would like for her to take me to an AA meeting today. I still don't know if AA is the right choice for me, but for now it is a positive choice. This afternoon, instead of choosing to drink, I will choose something healthy. Because I am so, SO sick of life passing me by and I just keep doing the same things over and over.

Drunk on a Saturday night and a bed full of sunflower seeds. COME ON!!! I should have been out enjoying life. Instead of pretending it's gonna start tomorrow, in my booze induced temporary well being. So sick of pretending and lying--mostly to myself.

So, day 1 again. Feel free to kick me to the curb if I have no right to be in recovery and you guys are sick of broken records.

nandm

Welcome. Sounds to me like you are in the right place. I do hope you find the support, experience, and help I have found here.

Ago

This sounds good to me

You sound like I did when I got sober, welp, my way isn't working any more, lets try something different

It's good news you tried your way first and found it didn't work, now you will have no lurking reservations, you won't wonder what you could have done differently, this is a good thing, although painful, I am sorry about that.

except instead of sunflower seeds it was a pair of black panties I could have made a homeless shelter out of I woke up with, sunflower seeds aint so bad as far as bottoms go, like as opposed to puke, pee, strange people and small land animals, it will sound good in your story...

/deadpans: "So I woke up with a bunch of sunflower seeds in my bed and I knew I was done......the gig was up......"

You'll be fine, go to a meeting, do what they say, you'll be OK

tallcactus

((gingerble))
Broken record, broken promises, been there too.
I agree with Ago, you tried it your way and it did not work, now try another. Go to that meeting, they are everywhere and free.
Hang in there, it sure could of been worst.

eureka

Welcome. You should stay.

ElegantlyWasted

You sound like I did when I got sober, welp, my way isn't working any more, lets try something different"

ditto that... It's a viscious cycle that caused me to think numerous times "why even bother". I was fundamentally a decision that I preferred the feeling of booz instead of engaging life and all it's uncertainties. As a perfectionist I want every thing to work flawlessly; that isn't realistic nor healthy. Booz was a twisted perfection in that i knew that it would make me feel good (an escape from living life on life's terms). I'm always skeptical of those who claim to have conversion experiences where suddenly everything is much better. I try to keep it concrete in thAt I know it has the potential to kill me if I pick up again. I can count my arrests and body scars all of which are related to alcohol. In the middle of month 4 life is far from perfect, but getting better. I've gotten through the initial physical w drawal and am constructively dealing with some paws issues that are getting better. Initially I was sober, but not quite sane, I still get occasional urges. What helped me this time was honestly assessing what to expect and being conscious of it and the dealing with the reality of what that implies. My GF told me she wasn't going to drink last Thursday after comming home and passing out... She drank last night. Know what your doing is normal, as most people try numerous times befor acheiving any sustained success. Have another go at it and don't beat yourself up to much over the past. I've tried with increasing success to learn from my past without dwelling on it.

gingerblue

Learning from our past instead of dwelling on it. I like that and agree.

I feel like I have been stuck in the mud for the past 8 years. Sure in that time I have "functioned" therefore fooled myself into thinking my drinking was okay. I have also lost so much, and I wonder if I had not been self medicating all these years, could things have turned out different?? Sure they would have.

That is what keeps me up nights, the guilt and the regret for all the time I've wasted. Plus all the bad choices I made, mostly due to drinking. You can't go back, you can only learn from the mistakes. I get that, just have a hard time forgiving myself sometimes. It is easier to just numb it all away. I'm sick of it, sick of hiding and lying. It's time to start living again, whatever that means. It's also scary, though, the thought of being sober in times of stress. I mean, there was a reason I started using to begin with--to hide from real life calamaties. They will still be there if sober, what if I can't handle them? Then I think...how selfish. And how scary...

I'm rambling. Thanks for listening, today will be a better day!

WakeUp

Gingerblue,
Listen to what this guy has to say about failure.

"I've missed more than 9000 shots in my career. I've lost almost 300 games. Twenty-six times I've been trusted to take the game winning shot and missed. I've failed over and over and over again in my life. And that is why I succeed."
~ Michael Jordan

I've failed in my sobriety. I've spent the weekend drunk, hung over and I smell like a distillery.
But, I'm staying in the game, I'll keep trying, and someday I'll succeed.

Anna

Ginger, you're right you can't go back.

It can be frustrating when we realize that we've been stuck and in denial for a long time. I sure felt frustrated. But, I needed to learn what I needed to learn and I try to believe that I am right where I should be.

I am glad that you are seeking support for your recovery.

Dee74

You're in exactly the right place here Gingerblue
I hope we can help you decide what else you need to do to stay sober

D

parentrecovers

keep reaching out, gingerblue. try that meeting out, maybe a handful of meetings before you decide if aa is for you .. and keep us posted on how it goes.

hugs, k

gingerblue

I went to the meeting, and will continue to go.

I still do not know if it is the right place for me, but for now it feels very comfortable. Kind of like a safety net, and I am going to commit to going to more meetings.

Thanks for the kind words, guys.

NewMe11109

Gingerblue - I'm glad you went to a meeting. Keep trying different types of meetings until you find one that you like.

You don't have to agree with everything you hear, just take the stuff that you indentify with for now.

Keep in mind that the hard work starts now -- but with hard work comes great rewards.

... on the contrary, your higher power has you right where your higher power wants you to be... we're here only to help as we can ... but now is your time.

barb dwyer

good for you, Ginger!

Welcome to the Fellowship.

Boomslang

"...sooner or later you're going to realize just as I did that there's a difference between knowing the path and walking the path."

I can be difficult at first, sometimes it seems overwhelming and impossible, but it's not. Don't dwell on the past, reach out for help when you need it, and believe in yourself. You can do this.

shaun00

Sounds like you got a good measure of the problem..

Every notion that i could drink like a gentleman had to smashed.
and i had quite a few notions..........and they were smashed.

i have plenty of tragic...amusing stories.......for the record none of them involved ago,s small land animals......well i dont think so.

all of them had a common theme..........absolute terror and fear when i finally came round...

I'm glad you realize your will is as useful as a chocolate "t" pot with regards to alcohol.......thats a great start.
stay in aa.......stay openminded.....id be interested on how you get on..

Boomslang

I meant to say "It can be difficult..." but I'm sure anyone who knows me wouldn't disagree with the "I can be difficult" that I posted. Either I'm a bad editor or unintentionally honest.