LifeGettingWorse
Blu**ed Lines...A ClockWork SR
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: AZ
Posts: 2,529
Welcome. "writing this through tears and shaking hands". You belong. It gets better. Great job writing with the shakes!!! I didn't even try it. You will find lots of great insight and support here. People such as yourself contribute so much without even realizing it. Keep posting.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,279
Hi TB, so sorry to hear about what you are going through right now. I am also in a tough situation right now, I cant believe I let things get to this point either.
You seem like a wonderful person based on your posts here, people would be lucky to be your friend. Don't let random people get you down, people are strange dont ya know.
I wish you all of the best & we are all here for you so keep sharing & lean on us.
Take Care,
NB
:ghug2:ghug2
You seem like a wonderful person based on your posts here, people would be lucky to be your friend. Don't let random people get you down, people are strange dont ya know.
I wish you all of the best & we are all here for you so keep sharing & lean on us.
Take Care,
NB
:ghug2:ghug2
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,443
I dunno Bubba
I ran out of perserverance juice too - about 30 yo. I took one hit too many and crumpled - and booze and pot made it not hurt so bad.
so....I spent the best part of the next ten years alone, watching TV, drinking beer, smoking pot...waiting to die really...and my perspective got pretty skewed too.
All I have from those ten years is flashes - it's existing not living and it's not what we're put on this earth to do.
Not drinking was the key that unlocked that puzzle for me Bubba.
Once you stop the 'medicine' your mind clears and you can reorient yourself to where you need to be. You can start to fix the broken boards and the cracked windows and that loose shutter.
You get your tool box back. You start to size up people a lot better too....
And coming here to SR refills my tank like nothing else ever did - and I get it from giving, not taking. That still blows my mind.
I thought I was forever gonna be that way - broken, too different, never understood.
I was looking through the bottom of a bottle.
It took some time for me to start to see the light, to undo all the grey of all those years, but I know better now.
Stay the course. You're not ruined...you're just rebuilding, Bubba
You're a regular here. You're with people who care.
relax dammit
D
I ran out of perserverance juice too - about 30 yo. I took one hit too many and crumpled - and booze and pot made it not hurt so bad.
so....I spent the best part of the next ten years alone, watching TV, drinking beer, smoking pot...waiting to die really...and my perspective got pretty skewed too.
All I have from those ten years is flashes - it's existing not living and it's not what we're put on this earth to do.
Not drinking was the key that unlocked that puzzle for me Bubba.
Once you stop the 'medicine' your mind clears and you can reorient yourself to where you need to be. You can start to fix the broken boards and the cracked windows and that loose shutter.
You get your tool box back. You start to size up people a lot better too....
And coming here to SR refills my tank like nothing else ever did - and I get it from giving, not taking. That still blows my mind.
I thought I was forever gonna be that way - broken, too different, never understood.
I was looking through the bottom of a bottle.
It took some time for me to start to see the light, to undo all the grey of all those years, but I know better now.
Stay the course. You're not ruined...you're just rebuilding, Bubba
You're a regular here. You're with people who care.
relax dammit
D
Owner of a strange glitch.
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: midsouth
Posts: 2,331
relax dammit
Class was good. Come home to a floorwide party. My kitchen table actually has enough liquor to get me drunk, and I mean actually drunk, not just buzzed. I just ran into my room. This is insane. I can hear them through the door, through the window.
I got till spring here, can't transfer without losing all kinds of units or I would. Grad school next--elsewhere. I'm already knowing that part.
I don't know their history, just that they are mostly local-ish. I got an accent... well, actually so do they, but I'm not allowed to say that LOL. They get mighty offended...
Dee,... were you me?
I sure hope this grey clears up. Truthfully, what I hope for is that something altogether new happens to me, 'cause I'm not really liking this much. I keep searching SR for that. Something all new. Probably ain't ready yet, but in a little while. Something good, to make me like this new path. Didn't like the old one, but before I got to looking through the bottom of the glass, I had to drink down its contents, which made said path tolerable. Unfortunately, I'm still on the dang path, and my cup contains water. It's see through.
Back to not leaving my room...
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,443
Dee,... were you me?
LOLThe grey will dissipate - tho you may never think it will...it has it's own timetable...but if you stick with the plan? You will start to look at the same old things in new ways.
You can't help it I don't think - dealing with stuff brings change, and I think mebbe change is exactly what you need, Bubba - don't you?
D
Owner of a strange glitch.
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: midsouth
Posts: 2,331
Hope I stick to the plan, hope I do start seeing things new ways.
And yessir, it is change I want. I guess I need it too. Desperately. (And good to know you've always been you.)
Well, again, 12 minutes post legal liquor sales, and I guess I'm gonna make day 5. Even though my life got no better since the last post, since almost everything wrong works on a 9-5, I am in fact feeling a whole lot better. The party's over, and while it was on I went down a ways by the farm and talked to some cops I know (in a good way) who were on break, about nothing in particular, and it felt good to be back to 'normal social.'
5, and 6 I'll be busy all day. No time to think about life, no time to get bored and drink. Hoping and praying at least.
Anyways, I guess like always, these threads end up with me sorta happy again. I don't know why I fear posting. Even though I seen people on SR with similar things to me, I guess I always just assume I'm different. Hmmm, I guess I got used to it living here. Too used to it.
And yessir, it is change I want. I guess I need it too. Desperately. (And good to know you've always been you.)
Well, again, 12 minutes post legal liquor sales, and I guess I'm gonna make day 5. Even though my life got no better since the last post, since almost everything wrong works on a 9-5, I am in fact feeling a whole lot better. The party's over, and while it was on I went down a ways by the farm and talked to some cops I know (in a good way) who were on break, about nothing in particular, and it felt good to be back to 'normal social.'
5, and 6 I'll be busy all day. No time to think about life, no time to get bored and drink. Hoping and praying at least.
Anyways, I guess like always, these threads end up with me sorta happy again. I don't know why I fear posting. Even though I seen people on SR with similar things to me, I guess I always just assume I'm different. Hmmm, I guess I got used to it living here. Too used to it.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: UK
Posts: 4,682
Hola amiga
Well you are different to most, you have a physical allergy and a mental obsession with regard to alcohol and most don't!
You not different to me though, we are the same...so you are not alone anymore!
Well you are different to most, you have a physical allergy and a mental obsession with regard to alcohol and most don't!
You not different to me though, we are the same...so you are not alone anymore!
Follow Directions!
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Fredericksburg, Va.
Posts: 9,730
thirtybubba congrats on 5 days now.
Early sobriety is a real bear, every single problem we had while drinking whether caused by our drinking or not is still there!!!! The difference is we have not had our booze to blur out the problems, they are right there in front of us!!!! Glaring, staring, looming, overwhelming at time................ SCARY as hell life is, many of us cave in and once again escape into the bottle or drugs just to once again find oblivion, that place where there is nothing........ no pain, no worries....... just simple blackness! PEACE!!!!
Ah but then we come to, all of the crap we thought we had escaped is STILL there, waiting, even bigger and scarier then before!!! Do we return to oblivion to simply allow all the crap to grow larger or do we stay sober and deal with them?
I have found that staying sober, not trying to stay sober, but staying sober is the only way to deal with problems, it allows me to take actions that make them go away instead of growing worse and worse by the day as I try unsuccessfully to drink them away.
Oblivion is not the way to deal with things I have found, I look at my problems and determine what I can do to resolve them, I do what I can today to deal with them, if there is nothing I can do today about them then I accept that fact and move forward with the day. It serves me no purpose to worry about something I can do nothing about today.
If I do not know how to handle something or I need help in order to deal with something I ask for help & or guidance. This was really tough on me, I was a loner, I was raised if I had a problem I was to deal with it....... well the problem was I was convinced I had to deal with it alone and that in many cases was over whelming, but I have found that if I ask for help & or guidance I am still dealing with the problem.... just not alone!!!!
A few questions if I may, did you go to AA meetings on campus? I know for a fact that almost every campus has at least one AA meeting a week and all of the AA meetings near campus have a large number of students who attend meetings. I live near Mary Washington and we have a lot of students & even some faculity that attend AA meetings. Trust me, you are not alone even on campus there are students and faculity seeking and living sobriety, they not only attend meetings, they go out for coffee, canoe trips, camping, play volley ball, have dances, picnics and sober parties.
How many meetings did you go to? Every meeting is different with its own personality, some of them I may think stink you may like and vice versa.
Early sobriety is a real bear, every single problem we had while drinking whether caused by our drinking or not is still there!!!! The difference is we have not had our booze to blur out the problems, they are right there in front of us!!!! Glaring, staring, looming, overwhelming at time................ SCARY as hell life is, many of us cave in and once again escape into the bottle or drugs just to once again find oblivion, that place where there is nothing........ no pain, no worries....... just simple blackness! PEACE!!!!
Ah but then we come to, all of the crap we thought we had escaped is STILL there, waiting, even bigger and scarier then before!!! Do we return to oblivion to simply allow all the crap to grow larger or do we stay sober and deal with them?
I have found that staying sober, not trying to stay sober, but staying sober is the only way to deal with problems, it allows me to take actions that make them go away instead of growing worse and worse by the day as I try unsuccessfully to drink them away.
Oblivion is not the way to deal with things I have found, I look at my problems and determine what I can do to resolve them, I do what I can today to deal with them, if there is nothing I can do today about them then I accept that fact and move forward with the day. It serves me no purpose to worry about something I can do nothing about today.
If I do not know how to handle something or I need help in order to deal with something I ask for help & or guidance. This was really tough on me, I was a loner, I was raised if I had a problem I was to deal with it....... well the problem was I was convinced I had to deal with it alone and that in many cases was over whelming, but I have found that if I ask for help & or guidance I am still dealing with the problem.... just not alone!!!!
A few questions if I may, did you go to AA meetings on campus? I know for a fact that almost every campus has at least one AA meeting a week and all of the AA meetings near campus have a large number of students who attend meetings. I live near Mary Washington and we have a lot of students & even some faculity that attend AA meetings. Trust me, you are not alone even on campus there are students and faculity seeking and living sobriety, they not only attend meetings, they go out for coffee, canoe trips, camping, play volley ball, have dances, picnics and sober parties.
How many meetings did you go to? Every meeting is different with its own personality, some of them I may think stink you may like and vice versa.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Tucson, AZ
Posts: 957
:ghug3 2 U.
U R doing great, staying sober and reaching out.
Day 5 is wonderful. Remember U told me that U once made it not 2 long ago to 11 days, well U R on your way.
Very proud of U.
Tazman, is so right, there has 2 B an AA meeting somewhere on that big campus. Check it out.
Stop
get to a meeting.
Stay strong.
U R doing great, staying sober and reaching out.
Day 5 is wonderful. Remember U told me that U once made it not 2 long ago to 11 days, well U R on your way.
Very proud of U.
Tazman, is so right, there has 2 B an AA meeting somewhere on that big campus. Check it out.
Stop
get to a meeting.Stay strong.
Owner of a strange glitch.
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: midsouth
Posts: 2,331
Thanks y'all, again.
Yeah, not alone... that's going to take some getting used to.
Taz, originally I did just figure I'd be sober if I ever sobered up. It's taken a lot of me to admit that that's not so easy, but I haven't quit quitting. I want to go forever, I just need practice or something.
I have been to the AA meeting on campus, every week since it started up. Unfortunately, it is not what you describe. It is a couple nearby housewives and a teacher. There are no other students there. Moreover, there are no students at the nearest AA meeting off-campus either. Although, at nearly 10 miles off, I suppose they could be somewhere else.
I have learned that meetings are different, and I found one that was nice. Unfortunately it was in the next county. And the lady that went with me has stopped answering my calls. As I learn to navigate a little farther around the campus, I may find another meeting. The one on campus is convenient, but I find it difficult to relate to the day-to-day problems of individuals of a middle class background, and tend to drift off. The next nearby one is good, but the people there totally ignore me. I'm aiming on Friday to find a new one. I'd go sooner, but they're not really 24 hours a day like the book says. The last one is usually at 8 and I'm still in class. I tried to find one at 10 or 11pm, risky driving around that time, but by then I'm out of class, and there are none. One all the way in Hollywood. I doubt I could get away with driving that far, I'd be getting home at like 4 am.
Yeah, I keep trying these meetings, but honestly only 'cause y'all keep saying to. Realistically, I have been ignored enough times, led on on the phone, and told that I'm not worth it, that under any other circumstances I would have long since stopped going. I have had one good experience, with that lady in the next county. I have been to the nearby meeting three times, only the first time did anybody talk to me. The school meeting, they're friendly but only know about things I don't. Twice I have been led on for an entire afternoon that 'they' were going to arrange transportation for me to get to a meeting, only to be told around 6:30 that their heart wasn't in it. Apparently I've met the worst of AA, or so I've been told via PM. I'm willing to accept that. But while traveling around appeals to the adventurer in me, it's not really helping my sobriety any. Not hurting it either.
Yeah, I'll keep trying. No, my heart's not always in it, either any more.
Anyways, 5 whole days. I beat all but two of my previous sobrieties. So 11 and then 2 months or so.
Yeah, not alone... that's going to take some getting used to.
Taz, originally I did just figure I'd be sober if I ever sobered up. It's taken a lot of me to admit that that's not so easy, but I haven't quit quitting. I want to go forever, I just need practice or something.
I have been to the AA meeting on campus, every week since it started up. Unfortunately, it is not what you describe. It is a couple nearby housewives and a teacher. There are no other students there. Moreover, there are no students at the nearest AA meeting off-campus either. Although, at nearly 10 miles off, I suppose they could be somewhere else.
I have learned that meetings are different, and I found one that was nice. Unfortunately it was in the next county. And the lady that went with me has stopped answering my calls. As I learn to navigate a little farther around the campus, I may find another meeting. The one on campus is convenient, but I find it difficult to relate to the day-to-day problems of individuals of a middle class background, and tend to drift off. The next nearby one is good, but the people there totally ignore me. I'm aiming on Friday to find a new one. I'd go sooner, but they're not really 24 hours a day like the book says. The last one is usually at 8 and I'm still in class. I tried to find one at 10 or 11pm, risky driving around that time, but by then I'm out of class, and there are none. One all the way in Hollywood. I doubt I could get away with driving that far, I'd be getting home at like 4 am.
Yeah, I keep trying these meetings, but honestly only 'cause y'all keep saying to. Realistically, I have been ignored enough times, led on on the phone, and told that I'm not worth it, that under any other circumstances I would have long since stopped going. I have had one good experience, with that lady in the next county. I have been to the nearby meeting three times, only the first time did anybody talk to me. The school meeting, they're friendly but only know about things I don't. Twice I have been led on for an entire afternoon that 'they' were going to arrange transportation for me to get to a meeting, only to be told around 6:30 that their heart wasn't in it. Apparently I've met the worst of AA, or so I've been told via PM. I'm willing to accept that. But while traveling around appeals to the adventurer in me, it's not really helping my sobriety any. Not hurting it either.
Yeah, I'll keep trying. No, my heart's not always in it, either any more.
Anyways, 5 whole days. I beat all but two of my previous sobrieties. So 11 and then 2 months or so.
Follow Directions!
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Fredericksburg, Va.
Posts: 9,730
PM me with where you are at, I will see what I can find in the way of meetings. My sponsor got sober in So. Cal. and he said there were tons of meetings, but that was also in San Diago. I know folks that have been in LA and said that one could almost live in a meeting.
Another suggestion would be to go to the 12 step Forum and see if any of the folks there could hook you up. I know there are tons of meetings in Ca. but it depends upon where you are.
I will say that a lot of folks are kind of stand offish to newcomers because they are scared of making a friend aand then getting hurt when they dissappear. I have a pretty thick skin and will not hesitate to welcome a newcomer even though I know the odds are pretty good I may never see them again for years.
I will have 3 years on the 18th and the longer I have stayed sober the more certain Old timers have warmed up to me. Do not get me wrong, a great many of the Old Timers in my area will bend over backwards to help a new comer who is seeking help.
Congrats on the 5 days!
Another suggestion would be to go to the 12 step Forum and see if any of the folks there could hook you up. I know there are tons of meetings in Ca. but it depends upon where you are.
I will say that a lot of folks are kind of stand offish to newcomers because they are scared of making a friend aand then getting hurt when they dissappear. I have a pretty thick skin and will not hesitate to welcome a newcomer even though I know the odds are pretty good I may never see them again for years.
I will have 3 years on the 18th and the longer I have stayed sober the more certain Old timers have warmed up to me. Do not get me wrong, a great many of the Old Timers in my area will bend over backwards to help a new comer who is seeking help.
Congrats on the 5 days!
Owner of a strange glitch.
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: midsouth
Posts: 2,331
Well, y'all, it's a solid 6 days and lessing I feel like borrowing a car, looks like I'll make the whole week. Yay.
And yet, this doesn't make me happy at all, in fact, it's almost depressing me.
I suddenly see no reason to continue.
I don't know, maybe it's school (where until this week I'd never been sober really, in classes etc), maybe it's the constant up/down attitudes of one of my roommates that's making that one day at a time dang near impossible, it's something I suppose. Can't pinpoint it. Just feel somehow that one week is enough to prove some point. He-, I was even trying for 12 to one up July-August. Somehow, it don't seem all that important no more.
Had a good day, made posters, which was unusual and fun. Started weaning myself off the pills, got a refill too so I don't run out on the weekend. Went to class. Found out somebody was waiting to help me with grad school--that made me very happy. Started looking at schools in more depth, got through a couple states and found some that look good. Spent most the afternoon doing that, and I was feeling really good.
Come home, and [] [] and []. I can't do nothing right. Don't even care to try, at this point.
I can't deal with this sober. Tried calling someone, nobody answered. Guess they're all out drinking (told them not to answer if they are). Not even super emotional about this all, in fact I'm numb like I used to be.
Truth is, right now I don't even feel like talking to anybody anymore. What I really wanna do is sit on a hillside with a bottle and watch the night, and just sleep right there, away from here. We only got one star, but a lot of lights on the ground. Problem is, it's all flat right here.
Part of me is doing what a few people on here done mentioned, 'Oh I went this far, I'm okay now' at least as far as all I gotta do is school--laid off long time ago and every job I applied told me no if I'm not gonna quit school, stopped looking 'round March--since I got into school drinking and got this far drinking. Yeah, it's messed me up some, but it's killed the rest of the time. Another part of me doesn't even care about school no more. I'm tumbling out of life anyways, gonna run out of money soon, that check is lost somewhere. I won't make it till I get the money anyways, I don't see why I should delay the inevitable.
Another part thinks I should go to sleep and see what happens, but that part is been shouted down by the angry part of me and the happy part of me. See, sobriety causes splintering...
He- I don't know what to do, knowing I'll probably do nothing. Tonight. Tomorrow is another day, 'nother bottle... If I remember. Who knows. I'm probably not supposed to be planning this, but it's what's on my mind. I don't know if that's normal, haven't really seen it in here.
I'm just gonna post it in my ex thread so I don't waste string...
And yet, this doesn't make me happy at all, in fact, it's almost depressing me.
I suddenly see no reason to continue.
I don't know, maybe it's school (where until this week I'd never been sober really, in classes etc), maybe it's the constant up/down attitudes of one of my roommates that's making that one day at a time dang near impossible, it's something I suppose. Can't pinpoint it. Just feel somehow that one week is enough to prove some point. He-, I was even trying for 12 to one up July-August. Somehow, it don't seem all that important no more.
Had a good day, made posters, which was unusual and fun. Started weaning myself off the pills, got a refill too so I don't run out on the weekend. Went to class. Found out somebody was waiting to help me with grad school--that made me very happy. Started looking at schools in more depth, got through a couple states and found some that look good. Spent most the afternoon doing that, and I was feeling really good.
Come home, and [] [] and []. I can't do nothing right. Don't even care to try, at this point.
I can't deal with this sober. Tried calling someone, nobody answered. Guess they're all out drinking (told them not to answer if they are). Not even super emotional about this all, in fact I'm numb like I used to be.
Truth is, right now I don't even feel like talking to anybody anymore. What I really wanna do is sit on a hillside with a bottle and watch the night, and just sleep right there, away from here. We only got one star, but a lot of lights on the ground. Problem is, it's all flat right here.
Part of me is doing what a few people on here done mentioned, 'Oh I went this far, I'm okay now' at least as far as all I gotta do is school--laid off long time ago and every job I applied told me no if I'm not gonna quit school, stopped looking 'round March--since I got into school drinking and got this far drinking. Yeah, it's messed me up some, but it's killed the rest of the time. Another part of me doesn't even care about school no more. I'm tumbling out of life anyways, gonna run out of money soon, that check is lost somewhere. I won't make it till I get the money anyways, I don't see why I should delay the inevitable.
Another part thinks I should go to sleep and see what happens, but that part is been shouted down by the angry part of me and the happy part of me. See, sobriety causes splintering...
He- I don't know what to do, knowing I'll probably do nothing. Tonight. Tomorrow is another day, 'nother bottle... If I remember. Who knows. I'm probably not supposed to be planning this, but it's what's on my mind. I don't know if that's normal, haven't really seen it in here.
I'm just gonna post it in my ex thread so I don't waste string...
..Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,443
It's like I said to someone else here Bubba - you've got to ride out the grey.
Most of us had pretty crappy lives by the time we gave up booze - and giving up booze doesn't immediately make that better - in fact taking away our main coping mechanism hurts, and it makes us see our lives in sharp relief...and often it's not a pretty sight.
I think more people go back because of that than anything else.
But you're at a crossroads Bubba...
You can turn around and go back and not worry about all this...but read your old posts...is that the best you want for you? cos that is the best you'll get....
Or you can tough this out and try to make something good out of this whole darn mess.
It's up to you really.
Have you got a counsellor Bubba? Either a personal one or school one? Maybe opening up to them is another option?
Found a new AA lady yet? Found any of those on campus meetings?
There's lots you can do - if you want do something.
I hope you do - I think you deserve something way better than what you're allowing yourself right now
Don't let apathy, fear and low self esteem rule you Bubba, ok? I spent 25 years that way. It sucks.
D
Most of us had pretty crappy lives by the time we gave up booze - and giving up booze doesn't immediately make that better - in fact taking away our main coping mechanism hurts, and it makes us see our lives in sharp relief...and often it's not a pretty sight.
I think more people go back because of that than anything else.
But you're at a crossroads Bubba...
You can turn around and go back and not worry about all this...but read your old posts...is that the best you want for you? cos that is the best you'll get....
Or you can tough this out and try to make something good out of this whole darn mess.
It's up to you really.
Have you got a counsellor Bubba? Either a personal one or school one? Maybe opening up to them is another option?
Found a new AA lady yet? Found any of those on campus meetings?
There's lots you can do - if you want do something.
I hope you do - I think you deserve something way better than what you're allowing yourself right now
Don't let apathy, fear and low self esteem rule you Bubba, ok? I spent 25 years that way. It sucks.
D
Originally Posted by thirtybubba 
Well, y'all, it's a solid 6 days and lessing I feel like borrowing a car, looks like I'll make the whole week. Yay.
And yet, this doesn't make me happy at all, in fact, it's almost depressing me.
I suddenly see no reason to continue.
I don't know, maybe it's school (where until this week I'd never been sober really, in classes etc), maybe it's the constant up/down attitudes of one of my roommates that's making that one day at a time dang near impossible, it's something I suppose. Can't pinpoint it. Just feel somehow that one week is enough to prove some point. He-, I was even trying for 12 to one up July-August. Somehow, it don't seem all that important no more.
Had a good day, made posters, which was unusual and fun. Started weaning myself off the pills, got a refill too so I don't run out on the weekend. Went to class. Found out somebody was waiting to help me with grad school--that made me very happy. Started looking at schools in more depth, got through a couple states and found some that look good. Spent most the afternoon doing that, and I was feeling really good.
Come home, and [] [] and []. I can't do nothing right. Don't even care to try, at this point.
I can't deal with this sober. Tried calling someone, nobody answered. Guess they're all out drinking (told them not to answer if they are). Not even super emotional about this all, in fact I'm numb like I used to be.
Truth is, right now I don't even feel like talking to anybody anymore. What I really wanna do is sit on a hillside with a bottle and watch the night, and just sleep right there, away from here. We only got one star, but a lot of lights on the ground. Problem is, it's all flat right here.
Part of me is doing what a few people on here done mentioned, 'Oh I went this far, I'm okay now' at least as far as all I gotta do is school--laid off long time ago and every job I applied told me no if I'm not gonna quit school, stopped looking 'round March--since I got into school drinking and got this far drinking. Yeah, it's messed me up some, but it's killed the rest of the time. Another part of me doesn't even care about school no more. I'm tumbling out of life anyways, gonna run out of money soon, that check is lost somewhere. I won't make it till I get the money anyways, I don't see why I should delay the inevitable.
Another part thinks I should go to sleep and see what happens, but that part is been shouted down by the angry part of me and the happy part of me. See, sobriety causes splintering...
He- I don't know what to do, knowing I'll probably do nothing. Tonight. Tomorrow is another day, 'nother bottle... If I remember. Who knows. I'm probably not supposed to be planning this, but it's what's on my mind. I don't know if that's normal, haven't really seen it in here.
I'm just gonna post it in my ex thread so I don't waste string...
And yet, this doesn't make me happy at all, in fact, it's almost depressing me.
I suddenly see no reason to continue.
I don't know, maybe it's school (where until this week I'd never been sober really, in classes etc), maybe it's the constant up/down attitudes of one of my roommates that's making that one day at a time dang near impossible, it's something I suppose. Can't pinpoint it. Just feel somehow that one week is enough to prove some point. He-, I was even trying for 12 to one up July-August. Somehow, it don't seem all that important no more.
Had a good day, made posters, which was unusual and fun. Started weaning myself off the pills, got a refill too so I don't run out on the weekend. Went to class. Found out somebody was waiting to help me with grad school--that made me very happy. Started looking at schools in more depth, got through a couple states and found some that look good. Spent most the afternoon doing that, and I was feeling really good.
Come home, and [] [] and []. I can't do nothing right. Don't even care to try, at this point.
I can't deal with this sober. Tried calling someone, nobody answered. Guess they're all out drinking (told them not to answer if they are). Not even super emotional about this all, in fact I'm numb like I used to be.
Truth is, right now I don't even feel like talking to anybody anymore. What I really wanna do is sit on a hillside with a bottle and watch the night, and just sleep right there, away from here. We only got one star, but a lot of lights on the ground. Problem is, it's all flat right here.
Part of me is doing what a few people on here done mentioned, 'Oh I went this far, I'm okay now' at least as far as all I gotta do is school--laid off long time ago and every job I applied told me no if I'm not gonna quit school, stopped looking 'round March--since I got into school drinking and got this far drinking. Yeah, it's messed me up some, but it's killed the rest of the time. Another part of me doesn't even care about school no more. I'm tumbling out of life anyways, gonna run out of money soon, that check is lost somewhere. I won't make it till I get the money anyways, I don't see why I should delay the inevitable.
Another part thinks I should go to sleep and see what happens, but that part is been shouted down by the angry part of me and the happy part of me. See, sobriety causes splintering...
He- I don't know what to do, knowing I'll probably do nothing. Tonight. Tomorrow is another day, 'nother bottle... If I remember. Who knows. I'm probably not supposed to be planning this, but it's what's on my mind. I don't know if that's normal, haven't really seen it in here.
I'm just gonna post it in my ex thread so I don't waste string...
Enjoying Sobriety
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: South Carolina
Posts: 143
Oh, Bubba,
Wish to heck I could say just the right thing to make it all better. Just know if you hang in there it really will get clearer and easier to understand. I believe you will know what to do and what your next move should be when it is time. Until then, please keep sharing with us and know we care!
Sending you love, hugs, and sunshine from South Carolina!
Wish to heck I could say just the right thing to make it all better. Just know if you hang in there it really will get clearer and easier to understand. I believe you will know what to do and what your next move should be when it is time. Until then, please keep sharing with us and know we care!
Sending you love, hugs, and sunshine from South Carolina!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: CA desert
Posts: 1,599
Hi Bubba,
I live in southern Cal as well, moved here in 2001 and it has been a difficult adjustment. I'm originally from Chicago and the people in so. Cal just don't seem as easy to relate to and get to know. I too am a full-time college student, at 50 yrs. old, so I don't have many friends on campus, but that's ok by me today. It bothered me for some time, till I realigned my focus on getting an education instead of building a social network. I too have escaped into the bottle, only to then find myself unable to escape from the bottle, so today I'm trying to stay clear of such destructive activities. I'm on day four. I know how you feel, and I've spent time, a couple years in Oklahoma, and an old refrain from those days long ago still rings true in my ears, "It's not where you live but how you live that really matters." My circle of friends is extremely small, but I know alot of people here, I just choose to keep a safe distance and stay focused on getting an education, not just going to class, but to actually try to learn what the subject matter is. That small change in focus has renewed my sense of purpose at school and I now see it as a learning institution instead of a social gathering, and my job there is to learn all I can while I have the opportunity to go. I too, have financial struggles, know all too well about waiting on checks and semester disbursements, and that's why I call myself a starving student sometimes. I'm not starving, could actually lose a few more pounds, but my point is that you are not alone and if this was easy, everyone would do it. Take pride in your choice to gain an education, and deal with the struggle the best you can. Being sober helps us think more clearly about how to cope with these difficulties, so that's a commitment we need to make and stick to, no matter what.
One last thought, I was frequenting a bar that has an abandoned single-wide, dilapidated mobile home parked behind it in a vacant lot. I was startled to discover that each night, after the bar closes, a group of guys, homeless guys gather and slip underneath this mobile to sleep on the ground, on abandoned mattresses and old blankets. I looked under the mobile, due to total disbelief and the conditions were appalling, and verified the truth of the claim. I personally have drank with a couple of the guys who sleep there, have bought them drinks, and now feel like, if I don't stay the course of sobriety, that I may eventually be joining them under that mobile. Therein lies the motivation I need to keep my focus on school and sobriety. I hope you can find the same motivation and stay the course. You can do this. This 50 yr. old man is solid proof.
I live in southern Cal as well, moved here in 2001 and it has been a difficult adjustment. I'm originally from Chicago and the people in so. Cal just don't seem as easy to relate to and get to know. I too am a full-time college student, at 50 yrs. old, so I don't have many friends on campus, but that's ok by me today. It bothered me for some time, till I realigned my focus on getting an education instead of building a social network. I too have escaped into the bottle, only to then find myself unable to escape from the bottle, so today I'm trying to stay clear of such destructive activities. I'm on day four. I know how you feel, and I've spent time, a couple years in Oklahoma, and an old refrain from those days long ago still rings true in my ears, "It's not where you live but how you live that really matters." My circle of friends is extremely small, but I know alot of people here, I just choose to keep a safe distance and stay focused on getting an education, not just going to class, but to actually try to learn what the subject matter is. That small change in focus has renewed my sense of purpose at school and I now see it as a learning institution instead of a social gathering, and my job there is to learn all I can while I have the opportunity to go. I too, have financial struggles, know all too well about waiting on checks and semester disbursements, and that's why I call myself a starving student sometimes. I'm not starving, could actually lose a few more pounds, but my point is that you are not alone and if this was easy, everyone would do it. Take pride in your choice to gain an education, and deal with the struggle the best you can. Being sober helps us think more clearly about how to cope with these difficulties, so that's a commitment we need to make and stick to, no matter what.
One last thought, I was frequenting a bar that has an abandoned single-wide, dilapidated mobile home parked behind it in a vacant lot. I was startled to discover that each night, after the bar closes, a group of guys, homeless guys gather and slip underneath this mobile to sleep on the ground, on abandoned mattresses and old blankets. I looked under the mobile, due to total disbelief and the conditions were appalling, and verified the truth of the claim. I personally have drank with a couple of the guys who sleep there, have bought them drinks, and now feel like, if I don't stay the course of sobriety, that I may eventually be joining them under that mobile. Therein lies the motivation I need to keep my focus on school and sobriety. I hope you can find the same motivation and stay the course. You can do this. This 50 yr. old man is solid proof.
Owner of a strange glitch.
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: midsouth
Posts: 2,331
Yeah, I went for a walk and reconsidered.
No, Dee, no counselor. I (used to) make just enough money to not qualify for the free ones, and not enough to pay for anyone. School counselors and me got off on the wrong foot a couple years ago. I'm pretty much not allowed in there under penalty of arrest. Didn't do anything, but be loud. I think I scared them.
Nobody to talk to. Maybe I should get a new pet fish.
I guess I'll just keep floating forward some. I don't know what I want anyways, no point in running away from something I sorta got a grip on.
I went to the meeting (only one on campus) and only the leader was there. I mentioned that the other day, somewhere. It was therapeutic to talk to him, I suppose. No new AA people in my life, I'm going to try and go to a meeting in a nearby city, see if the bus can get me there and back. It's at noon, so I should make it both ways. Anything later, the bus company keeps telling me no way home. On the other hand, that city is where the ones I already know live, and apparently it's too far for them to drive me. So I guess I could go to the one meeting once a week.
I'll take hugs from the palmetto state. Rather be there right now. I know more people there than here. Then again, that's true of most states. And my cousins or someone would probably come and pick me up from there and take me home--I've ventured farther and they've been there.
My roommates are having a party again. They weren't at midnight, it's one.
Yeah, Firestorm, I know what you mean about looking at it like a learning institution. I've been. Unfortunately, unlike you, I don't have any small circle of people outside of there. Everybody I know in this state I know through their place of employment. I mean, I recognize my neighbors and classmates, and some of them I have some kind of very superficial relationship with around classtime, but except for the AA people whose numbers I didn't delete, I have no California exchanges on my phone I could call after 5 pm. Well, if I want an answer.
Not that I want to have a social life on campus. That doesn't appeal to me anyways.
Again, like I said above, I reckon I have no idea what I want. Spent oh so long blurry and not really caring where I went, somehow ended up far ahead of where I started, and never really had a destination then either. I just stumbled into unknown territory (college) and kept going long past I knew what I was doing. Now I'm doing the same thing sober I suppose, but this time I'm seeing how dumb it is to step blindly forward and can't rationalize it anymore.
Ironic, I suppose.
So I guess I'll just relax some and float some more, see where I go. At least I know about the grad school, got some control there. Everything else, well...
No, Dee, no counselor. I (used to) make just enough money to not qualify for the free ones, and not enough to pay for anyone. School counselors and me got off on the wrong foot a couple years ago. I'm pretty much not allowed in there under penalty of arrest. Didn't do anything, but be loud. I think I scared them.
Nobody to talk to. Maybe I should get a new pet fish.
I guess I'll just keep floating forward some. I don't know what I want anyways, no point in running away from something I sorta got a grip on.
I went to the meeting (only one on campus) and only the leader was there. I mentioned that the other day, somewhere. It was therapeutic to talk to him, I suppose. No new AA people in my life, I'm going to try and go to a meeting in a nearby city, see if the bus can get me there and back. It's at noon, so I should make it both ways. Anything later, the bus company keeps telling me no way home. On the other hand, that city is where the ones I already know live, and apparently it's too far for them to drive me. So I guess I could go to the one meeting once a week.
I'll take hugs from the palmetto state. Rather be there right now. I know more people there than here. Then again, that's true of most states. And my cousins or someone would probably come and pick me up from there and take me home--I've ventured farther and they've been there.
My roommates are having a party again. They weren't at midnight, it's one.
Yeah, Firestorm, I know what you mean about looking at it like a learning institution. I've been. Unfortunately, unlike you, I don't have any small circle of people outside of there. Everybody I know in this state I know through their place of employment. I mean, I recognize my neighbors and classmates, and some of them I have some kind of very superficial relationship with around classtime, but except for the AA people whose numbers I didn't delete, I have no California exchanges on my phone I could call after 5 pm. Well, if I want an answer.
Not that I want to have a social life on campus. That doesn't appeal to me anyways.
Again, like I said above, I reckon I have no idea what I want. Spent oh so long blurry and not really caring where I went, somehow ended up far ahead of where I started, and never really had a destination then either. I just stumbled into unknown territory (college) and kept going long past I knew what I was doing. Now I'm doing the same thing sober I suppose, but this time I'm seeing how dumb it is to step blindly forward and can't rationalize it anymore.
Ironic, I suppose.
So I guess I'll just relax some and float some more, see where I go. At least I know about the grad school, got some control there. Everything else, well...
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,443
Sorry I missed the bit about the campus meeting, Bubba - and I'm sorry you seem to have run into some really...well -terrible....AAers there in the city.
OK no counsellor - doctor? it could be you're depressed Bubba - you wouldn't be the first to discover that after coming off the booze....
Just shooting out ideas - gotta head....I got a dinner with my name on it calling...
float all you like but stay the course Bubba - it's gotta be better to float towards something than back to something you didn't like, right?
take care
D
OK no counsellor - doctor? it could be you're depressed Bubba - you wouldn't be the first to discover that after coming off the booze....
Just shooting out ideas - gotta head....I got a dinner with my name on it calling...
float all you like but stay the course Bubba - it's gotta be better to float towards something than back to something you didn't like, right?
take care
D
Member
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: SE and then South some more
Posts: 2,648
Hi thirty. As for anyone else going through hell while being sober? I have to throw myself into that class. I don't know if you read any of my posts over the last couple of months but I was freaking out not too long ago about my situation. My X took me to court and I'm paying him a substantial amount of child support now. I could no longer live in my apartment as that put me negative in the hole and I was already struggling to pay my bills.
This is the wreckage of my past. While I seriously did not want to look at or even face what was going on, I had to and no way picking up was going to help. Not only that but I totally relate to "here I am sober and my life is falling apart around me, is this what I got sober for?" I HAVE TO BELIEVE that it's going to get better. I wasn't capable of making healthy choices a while back and this is the mess I have to tend to.
I will not be a victim but I choose to empower myself and get up everyday and keep going no matter how hard it is. I already work full time and at the end of the week, my check is GONE!!! I almost feel like I work for nothing. I still have faith. I do not want to give up, I've already worked so hard that I cannot let what I have just completely fall through my fingers.
You can do this. Keep posting and lean on us here. This place is so great for support. I know everyone here wants to see everyone else succeed. Hang in there. Get through today, eventually the days get better and you can look back and say "wow, I got through that." Good luck thirtybubba!!!
This is the wreckage of my past. While I seriously did not want to look at or even face what was going on, I had to and no way picking up was going to help. Not only that but I totally relate to "here I am sober and my life is falling apart around me, is this what I got sober for?" I HAVE TO BELIEVE that it's going to get better. I wasn't capable of making healthy choices a while back and this is the mess I have to tend to.
I will not be a victim but I choose to empower myself and get up everyday and keep going no matter how hard it is. I already work full time and at the end of the week, my check is GONE!!! I almost feel like I work for nothing. I still have faith. I do not want to give up, I've already worked so hard that I cannot let what I have just completely fall through my fingers.
You can do this. Keep posting and lean on us here. This place is so great for support. I know everyone here wants to see everyone else succeed. Hang in there. Get through today, eventually the days get better and you can look back and say "wow, I got through that." Good luck thirtybubba!!!
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