dabears34

I just started an outpatient rehab/recovery program at a local hospital (9am-3pm each weekday, 8-noon saturdays)... I was working hard at it, but as soon as we go out on Saturday, I went straight to the liquor store, and drank all day and night Saturday AND Sunday. Had to call in "sick" to the program today cause I was a wreck. I basically drank cause I wanted to. I am having trouble accepting the fact that I am powerless over alcohol. I still think I might just be a "problem drinker" who, with some work, can get back to moderation... even though all the evidence points at alcoholic. I have to make a committment and decide (I'm pretty much sold on the fact that I am an alcoholic) or I'm just wasting everyones time and all this money on this rehab thing. I wasnt a daily or morning drinker, but I drank alone all the time, and always drank til i got my fill (12-20 drinks) sometimes 4 times per week, sometimes 6 times per week. I've been in the ER twice for detox in the past 4 months, and was in a detox clinic for 3 days.. and now am in this rehab thing. All the evidence is there, why can't I just buy it and commit???? Ugh.

Reese321

What exactly caused you to go straight to the liquor store right after getting out of rehab? Were you waiting to go there as some sort of reward for surviving rehab? Did you think about it, or was it a tunnel-vision-like natural impulse that you didn't question as you were going there?

dabears34

I had had the little voice in my head since thursday saying "Hey, you know, we could just get loaded all weekend." The rational voice was trying to make plans to distract myself, was thinking about going to a meeting... but the plans fell through... I drove past the liquor store about 8 times before actually going in... so it was planned in advance.

hendershot

It happens. It takes lots of courage to keep coming around, continuing rehab, etc. after you relapse. In response to your question, I would think you know why you can't commit, whatever it is in your own mind that is keeping your from completely comitting to the sobriety thing. I would point out that in your short post you say two contradictory things, a) that you think you might just be a problem drinker, b)that you have been sold on the fact that you are an alcoholic. That ambivalence may well be the source of your difficulty. Accepting that you are an alcoholic is not about a rational calculus of the facts, it is an emotional decision and one that you must embrace to stay sober. More important than that, however, is willingness to get help, which it looks like you are doing. The longer you stick with the rehab stuff, even with setbacks, the more likely it will stick. I would encourage you not to think of relapse as a failure of your program but as a part of the recovery process. You don't want to miminize relapses but move on from them with knowlege about what went wrong and learn from it. Good luck.

dabears34

I'm starting to see that it's an emotional decision... been doing a lot of soul searching today, asking myself: "Ok, what do you want. Do you want a life without alcohol?" I'm getting there... looking forward to talking it out tomorrow in our group thing at the rehab.

keithj

It doesn't sound like you are sold on this idea at all. What matters is the truth known in your heart, not what adding up evidence tells you. I can always justify the external evidence if I haven't accepted the truth in my heart. Do you know what it means to be an alcoholic? Find out what it means to you.

I can point out that you are released for a day from outpatient rehab, and you spend the weekend drinking so that you can't go back to treatment. Does that sound like you are in control or not?

Here's the delusion you must shatter: The delusion that you will ever gain control of this has to be smashed. That's right, I said ever. It will just get worse and there is not a damn thing you can do about it. This website won't work, treatment won't work, rehab won't work, and your problems will keep getting worse, driving everyone in your life away from you.

You're absolutely f*cked and there's no way of stopping it. It's just downhill from here.

That, my friend, is the point of desperation most of us have to reach in order to surrender. I don't care what recovery paradigm you wish to pursue, that desperation to work it like your life depends on it has proved very useful for most of us that have recovered. As long as I still cling to a notion that I might be able to figure this drinking thing out, I will try to figure it out. And it will win every time. The only way for me to win is to stop fighting.

Please don't be offended. I'm just trying to help you see where you are at.

smacked

Really..that didn't prove just how incredibly powerless you are? I would be completely honest with your counselor and see what your priorities are with this thing. Your next trip to the ER could be your last, ya know.

Took me a long time to quit.. and stay quit. Luckily before I killed myself or destroyed anything super meaningful in my life. Unfortunately like most people, I drank til I didn't want to anymore. And it did almost kill me.

Dee74

Sounds to me like you're not done Mike.

And yes all the evidence is pointing the other way - go back and read all your past posts - this is what alcohol makes you become - is that really the dabears you want to be?


I'd think really carefully about that cos I don't envy you the journey if you choose to continue drinking - trust me Mike, I've been there...and it makes everything you;ve experienced til now look like a picnic.

D

dabears34

I agree with all your responses. I just need to stay committed to this rehab and hit up meetings at night, ride out this confusion and have faith that the answers will become clear at some point.

tigers13

Hi dabears. I did an outpatient program and within 2 weeks after I "graduated" from the program, I was back to drinking heavy again. Next I did an inpatient center. I decided I hated that place and dropped out of the program after a week and a half. Again I was drinking within 2 weeks. The next 3 months I spent my time drinking more and more to the point I couldn't get out of bed without a drink or two. It's a progression that doesn't stop unless you do something to stop it.

I finally realized my drinking had gotten so bad it was going to kill me if I didn't stop. I entered my 2nd inpatient treatment center and toughed it out for 33 days. It was a "safe" place for me to get clean...the counselors were all wonderful...and now at almost 6 years I'm still sober.

What was the difference with the last treatment center? I had come to realize that the first 2 tries were pushed on me. The final time I came to realize that I was ready. I made the choice...I did it for me.

Anna

It takes a lot of motivation to stop drinking and to recover.

It took me a long time to get to that point, and I sincerely wish I had gotten there sooner.

I hope you find your way and I hope you keep posting here.

Oatmeal

Wow. For me, personally, that is the most truthful, concise statement I've read here. Brokenness.....hopelessness.....powerless......... .finally, surrender.

ElegantlyWasted

Rationalization is part of the game.. One last time, just this weekend, I CAN control it etc. Best advice I got was a cheesy Nike slogan "Just do it". I have only been able to really understand my rationalizations after I have been dried out for a while and doing some constructive work on myself. Just doing it for me was not drinking; when I drink, even If I dry out for a couple of days, I lack perspective on the bigger picture (why I should not drink). Stick with it and remember that most people need numerous attempts before they get a good period of not using under their belt (myself included). Believe that you can pick your own bottom and it can happen sooner rather than later. Above posts were great as well. Humbly on day 34 this time.

shaun00

You would be the first moderate drinker ive seen end up in ER twice for a de-tox...

I think i know where your at.....the last strands of bs and denial...

Alcoholism does a great job of convincing us "we just cant be"...."surely i can get back to the old game and get some control around it".

alkies die trying every day..every week ...

With me...i knew it was over.....still drinking and i knew it was dead ended.

i looked at that first step.......and i was scared sh@t less....difficult to explain why but i guess i was scared of living life without booze.

in the beginning life without something that has been wooven into your life is scary right?

let me tell you something......most of that stuff your head tells you about...yer never gonna do it....or your not an alkie....or you can control it.
life is gonna be sh@t....
is total utter bs...........life can be wonderful without booze.

its just you got leap off the bottle to find out....to experience and to live.

i couldnt have got and stayed sober without aa and the 12 steps...

shaun.

dabears34

I didn't drink today, and I'm going to go in there tomorrow morning and just be totally honest. I'm in REHAB for heaven's sake, and I need to take it deadly seriously. I need to take a step back and say "Ok, why am I here? Because my drinking had gotten off the rails out of control. Alcoholism is progressive and I've witnessed it firsthand in my own drinking." Like Trucker said, step 1 is pretty scary and I need to get over my own ego and just accept it as fact. And know that if I continue drinking, it will only get worse and end really really badly.