lauraandersen4

Originally Posted by effortjoy
Here Are My Illusions about alcohol that began when I was 14yrs old and almost twenty years later I am still struggling to get rid of:
1. Alcohol is the only thing in my life that I can always depend on
2. It never leaves me alone, it never hurts me, it always makes me feel like I belong
3. It gets rid of all my boredom, all of my anxiety
4. It makes me patient
5. It makes me creative
6. It makes me into a fun person
7. It makes life worth living

What are your illusions? How do you get rid of them?

Hmmm... another thought. I realized except for at times #4 (makes me patient), I can replace the word "alcohol" you used with "my husband"... if you can't, maybe it is your relationship and not the alcohol that is the root of the problem.

Charmie

now i am just going by what smacked has just said,but if this is true then listen very very carefully,,,,,,i had a baby girl at the age of 19,i am 36 now.i thought i was a great,young hip mom.let my daughter have friends round all the time.i too thought i was a better mom when drunk because i was "fun".5 years ago at the age of 12 my daughter went to visit my sister in the holidays 400 miles away in my hometown.my sister had to call me after a few days to tell me my daughter didnt want to come home.ellie still lives with my sister 400 miles away and has just turned 17.i see her 3 times a year.just a warning.

Rad44

I actually love threads like this because they remind me of what I looked like earlier in my Drinking career when I was was trying to rationalize away my problem.

It finally took an Alcohol beat down of the severest magnatitude before I realized just how much I was deceiving myself. However, at the time nobody could tell me anything. I was going to be the first person in History who could drink all they wanted to and never have any bad consequences. All y'all were the Alcoholics. I was just skillfully using Alcohol for the betterment of my life.

...boy did I ever get taught a lesson.

tommyk

I find it extremely interesting, albeit sorrowful, to read effort's posts, and I have told her so.

It is baffling and frightening to see how powerful the disease can be.

The posts very clearly indicate (in my opinion) the jekyll & hyde personalities that alcoholism can create within a person. At times I read effort's posts and it is clear that her sober mind is sensing reality, grasping for sanity, and at other times I read posts which are obviously created by her alcoholism having taken over, doing/saying anything at all to remain in contol of her life.

effort - read your own posts frequently, look back on them, don't let the disease win.

Everyone else... we need all beware... I don't feel anyone is 'exempt' from being there.

Keep coming back.

littlefish

From your past posts, it seems like your husband is aware of your drinking. Just because he isn't saying anything doesn't mean he doesn't know.

effortjoy

I have been ambivalent about stopping, but I am starting to realize that part of my ambivalence is because I don't know how to stop. I know that my drinking is a problem and I don't like who I am when I drink. But since I can't seem to stop I find myself trying to gage other people's reactions to me when I am drinking. And it seems that if I have just the "right" amount then all the stress gets muted and all the positive parts of relationships become my focus. But really I think that it's sad that I 'need' alcohol to do this. And honestly, I think that I have a great marriage; it would maybe even be simpler to say that my problems are caused by my husband or my kids. But i love my husband and I think that he is an amazing father and person. And I have warm, close relationships with my children. So why can't I stop? I wouldn't be posting here if I didn't want to stop. Obviously, I am looking for support. Why are my posts being criticized? Aren't there people on this site who are stuck between quitting and going back to drinking? Am I not allowed to express ambivalence? Just because my drinking hasn't hit rock bottom doesn't mean that I can't try to quit. Does everyone who posts here have a 100% commitment to stop? Why are my posts not acceptable?

smacked

This stuff is HARD work. What are you willing to do?

When you post about your ambivalence, what are you seeking? Few people here will encourage you to keep drinking, and few will tell you to quit. That's your choice. There's lots of folks who post here who still drink, it's not new. It's YOUR deal, your life, and your future.

What are your next steps? Your original post didn't seem to ask for any support, but more encouragement for you to keep drinking and lying. I for one wont do that for you.

There's no "in between" really.. you're either drinking actively or you're not, and you're pursuing sobriety. A LOT of people just keep drinking. That's your choice, totally.

Now what?

NewBeginning010

I am only quoting this so I can respond properly (in my own way).

Firstly let me say I am so happy to hear that you have a great marriage & family life... I truly am. Nobody here wishes you ill will.

People are giving you feedback based on what you posted, take it only as our perceptions based on what was posted & what has been posted in the past. It is all we have to go by.

I relate to & appreciate your posts all too well, I have been there & its good for me to see/read them. But I do see a lot of troubled posts from someone that is struggling with alcohol and would like to help by offering my take & support even if it comes off as criticism.

Many people have been loved to death with good intentions from friends & family when it would have been better if people had offered support & brutally honest feedback (negative & positive).

When you come here & post on SR you are posting to a group of people that "get" addiction & everything that comes with it. The good thing is they are going to call it as they see it based on true life experiences & first hand knowledge, some will nail it so well that it hurts & others will miss by a mile (feedback wise).

Try your hardest to take notice of the comments that hurt the most as sometimes they are the ones that are closest to reality.

I wish you all of the best in the future no matter what your choice on sobriety is.

Peace, Happiness & Love,

NB

tommyk

effort - you can post whatever you like, and I'd encourage you to continue doing so.

But realize... others have the same option, they can post as they see 'it'.

"Obviously, I am looking for support."

When you state reasons to continue drinking, and describe your 'experiements' in favor of drinking, it may appear to some as though you are looking for support to continue drinking... do you ever see it that way?

I can assure you everyone here wants to help you stop drinking in whatever way they can. I can sense the frustration in some peoples' posts though.

Keep coming back effort, take what you need and ignore the rest.

We're all in it together in a lot of ways.

Dee74

I think most people here absolutely reject that alcohol makes *anything* better EJ - especially relationships.

What you see as ambivalence a lot of us see as denial - several people have already pulled out old quotes at you to illustrate this in this thread.

I think people are worried for you, and IMO rightly so.
Are you looking for a green light or do you want honest opinions?

You're finding reasons for drinking while claiming an inability to stop - we've all been there - and its never good.

D

Charmie

effort joy,i dont think anyone has critisised your posts,i think folk are just concerned and while you seem to be between a rock and a hard place,,,and a s you put it,not reached your bottom,we are just telling you how it is ,,well i speak for myself.you say you cant quit,,,but do you want to?? i am 6 months sober today,not alot to some folk but a miracle to me.i couldnt have imagined life without booze.i thought i was the life and soul,,,blah.and you put it very well in your last post about how you have come to the conclusion that things just get "muted",,,well i couldnt quit on my own either.ive had plenty of "bottoms" but there are always "yets",,,,,i wanted to stop with all my being.so i went to AA.i got a sponsor and AA offered me a spiritual solution.i love life now,and it has changed beyond all recognition in a very short time.i think about booze rarely and have no compulsion to drink.if you want to stop,,there is a solution.i wish you well.

NewBeginning010

I could have saved myself 10 minutes of trying to put together my response & just waited for you to come along. Your straight from the hip feedback is appreciated. Thanks Smacked

effortjoy - Smacked's post isn't a criticism on you... its feedback. You may not like to hear it but it is good for you anyway. Take a moment to sit with it after reading & see if there is anything you can relate to or benefit from in anyway.
If there is take a moment to go there & explore it, if not scroll down to the next post ;-)

Anyway... take care

1_day@_a_time

Lack of power, that is our dilemma. We had to find a power by which we could live and that had to be a Power greater than ourselves.

I've tried it both ways.

With and without the Power.

Today, I have empirical proof my life is significantly better with.

You'll never know until you try it as a way of life, with constant application.

How free you will be........

Rad44

Well I hate to be the bearer of Bad News but there some lessons I learned about Alcoholism at considerable expense to my health, my marriage, my family, my friends, my financial situation, my career, and my mental health.

The terms "Always" and "Never" get thrown around as exaggerations quit a bit. However I (along with many others here) can tell you with absolute certainity that Alcoholism ALYAYS gets worse. It NEVER gets better. Believe me, I have tried every conceivable way to get around that immovable object. I had to exhaust every possible aveneue to become a "normal drinker" again and failed miserably every time before I finally surrendered did what it takes to get better.

I can tell you that all of the "positive" aspects you see in Alcohol are just illusions. I can tell you how badly you are deceiving yourself. I can tell you that all of the things you cherish and hold dear will be destroyed over time before your very eyes due to Alcohol. However, until you arrive at those conclusions on your own and decide to get help and get better, you will be condemmed to travel that slow descent into He11 that Alcohol has inflicted on so many of us.

flutter

I was that disillusioned until my husband decided to leave me after my last bender. It took me a very long time to regain his trust, and his support.

Luckily I got sober before it cost me absolutely everything. I sure thought I was 'fun' too.. ha.

littlefish

A lot of us can relate to that. And yes, a lot of us can relate to feeling sad that we need something that is very toxic to us to "perform".

A lot of us can also relate to thinking that maybe the causes of our drinking are external: our husbands, our wives, our jobs, our parents, our kids...when in the end, the causes of our drinking are internal. If you left your husband tomorrow, I think you would discover the first thing you might do is pick up a drink. The reasons we drink are internal, and quite often rooted in our childhoods.

It's hard for anyone to say why you can't stop without knowing what steps you've taken to stop; my impression is that you have not started a program of any kind. (?)
It is very hard to stop without some kind of program in place.

I for one hope you don't reach rock bottom! Recovery programs like AA don't dismiss the validity of members who haven't "lost it all" by someone else's standards. Bottom is defined by your own personal standards.

I can only answer for myself that I have a 100% committment to stay sober because I left reasonable drinking behind 5 years ago.

I see myself about 10 years ago in a lot of your posts, particularly in the area of not wanting to include my husband in my recovery process.
I hope you don't wait as long as I did.

Anna

You don't have a great marriage if you're deceiving your husband about your drinking.

I hope you find your way.

I am less 'social' since I stopped drinking and that's fine with me. The person I was, when I was drinking, was totally fake. I would much rather have the real me, sober.

sfgirl

Ok, I am going back to your original posting.

Sometimes responses to certain posts here take a tough love approach, sometimes they take a more supportive tone; it is a crap shoot. Regardless of the tone of the responses, the content here would be the same— in no one's experience does alcohol enhance relationships. Alcohol is a major deterrent to true intimacy.

I understand what you are saying though. Alcohol allowed me to be more social. It allowed me to keep up the social graces and social energy way past the point where it was fun for me. Which is why I think the most important thing I read in the whole of your postings was this:

Do you see what is wrong with this question? Do you see how you are putting the emphasis on pleasing others while disregarding yourself? My personal experience was that towards the end of my drinking I had tons of "friends." I knew people everywhere. I would be the center of the party. Everyone else seemed to like me; I was so fun. But I, myself, inside, felt very lonely. I was doing so many things to make other people happy and not many things to make myself happy. I had no boundaries. I couldn't say no if someone asked me to do something. I couldn't turn down an invitation. I couldn't be quiet at an event because I had to entertain people. In recovery I have learned to listen to myself and my own needs. What I found is that I am not really the party girl I was pretending to be. I didn't really realize that at the time but now I do. I also realize how little I actually knew those people in my life. I would say back then, I have a million friends. Now I am kind of like, wait do I have friends? This is a slight exaggeration but things change majorly in recovery and your perspective will shift. I guarantee you if you give recovery a good shot and sobriety that you will soon understand that alcohol does not make for good relationships. Recovery is about learning what a good relationship actually is and then being able to build that. Luckily, you already have your husband and a great start. And not to mention kids. Good luck.

Mariposa18

IMO any relationship that requires you to drink in order to be more "fun" or "better" needs to be seriously looked at. Those who love us want us healthy and around for a long time, to be able to enjoy our company without having to clean us up afterwards. You can't do that if you are smashed.

Please consider this next time you want a drink. Nobody said it would be easy, it is hard work and at times you will wonder why you are even doing it. But being in control of your life is worth it~

Good Luck to you

joinedintime

About a month ago I had ordered some food to-go from a restaurant and it wasn't ready when I got there. Since you pick up the food at the bar in this place I sat there for about 10 minutes watching all the drinkers and most of them looked like they were faking happiness in really poorly acted movie.

BTW, the drinks being mixed in front of me by the bartender literally smelled like chemical poison to me. Hmmmm, maybe that' because that's what it is, huh.