rightonac

Hey all,

I've been battling my alcohol problem for a while. Lately I've been mostly successful with abstinence, but not completely. And I am really tired of my lack of success.

I can sustain motivation for a while. I work at it, adding other things into my life, avoiding some drinking occasions. But it so often feels so life-limiting. And my primary motivation is to preserve / repair my relationship with my wife; and every one of my setbacks just absolutely sets our relationship back.

When I’m not drinking I often feel so lonely in my wife’s presence, frustrated that we don’t have the relationship we used to have.

I know I need to find more sober friends. The AA meetings I’ve attended are SO huge, and I am not comfortable in the rooms with 50 others, without any conversational dynamic. I am still looking, hoping to find a smaller, more intimate meeting.

I’m very happy most of my abstinent time, proud that I’m living a better life; and I make it through most of the lows without drinking. But it seems I inevitably make a plan to drink a few beers. Then beat myself up and start over.

What other tricks do you all use to maintain motivation?

Astro

I attend HUGE AA meetings too, it keeps me motivated to see so many people who are living happy lives and staying sober by using the program. We also have small meetings at the same facility too though, and that's where I truly hear the message I need for my recovery. The large meetings are great for fellowshipping and the social atmosphere before and after the meetings.

I spend a lot of time here on SR, and in general I do as much recovery-related things as possible every day. It's worked for over 4 years, so I don't feel the need to change it much, unless I get bored or life starts feeling stale.

My fiancee and I participate together, although she's not an alcoholic. We attend CoDA meetings and do other recovery work together, it helps us to understand each other and to work on our separate issues too. Has your wife considered Al-Anon?

Life-limiting? It's hard for me to relate to that, but I felt that way sometimes in early recovery. But the longer I stayed sober and did the deal, the more my life has exploded with activities and opportunities. Living clean and sober opened me up to a lifestyle that I used to dream of.

Anna

Hi,

Have you talked to your wife about your feelings? It seems your relationship is very important to you, and maybe if you talk things out, you can find some clarity. Or, have you considered marriage counselling? My marriage is different since I began recovery. I am not the same person I was, and my needs have changed. I am grateful for my recovery.

keithj

Once in a while it strikes me how absurd the AA program is. For the real low-bottom, next to death drunks the program started with, common sense tells me that the program should have real low expectations. Let's just get these poor bastards physically sober and not worry about any big changes in their life. Lets shoot for the bare minumum that would get alcoholics like me back into being somewhat productive people.

But that's not what the AA program promises. Instead, it shoots for the moon. Happiest years of our lives, rocketed into a 4th dimension of existence of which we had not even dreamed, we were reborn, revolutionary change in our way of thinking and living, a new power, peace, hapiness, sense of direction, lose our fear, and a couple hundred other promises. Pretty heady stuff!

I suppose that some sociologist or psychologist could (or has) come up with a theory why this brand of recovery aims so high instead of seeking the more easily achievable lower goal of just surviving without alcohol.

But you already know the answer. I'm an alcoholic, and if life is just about surviving from one day to the next without a drink, then I'm almost assured of returning to drinking.

I need more. I've always needed more. I'm an alcoholic, and I need that complete psychic rearrangement that Jung spoke of. I need that transformed life that is fulfilling beyond my expectations.

Life limiting? No way, man. Not even close.

rightonac

I should expand on "life-limiting."

I understand that in the grand scheme there are more opportunities than limitations through abstinence, but at least at this point in my experience I find limitations. There are many occasions I avoid because I am just not comfortable: parties, happy hours, wine club. These were a big part of my social experience, now they’re not.

I am doing many other things, but I am struggling some socially.

littlebluedog

Smaller AA groups work for me. Hopefully you'll find one that works for you. I understand why you would want to avoid happy hours or gatherings in general that revolve around alcohol. I still tend to avoid them, but I'm getting more comfortable with them. The only advice I have is that it just takes time.

Wolfchild

The more work i do to live through the 12 Steps & 12 Traditions, the more eager i am to be restored as completely as possible each and every day. Lack of motivation really doesn't come into the picture for me. It's been like drinking the sweetest, purest, and cleanest water ever created and then realizing just how thirsty i was. That hole i had within me, that i kept trying to fill with temporary satisfactions, continues to be filled with God's very best for me. There's also the intense gratitude i have for those who helped me without expecting anything in return. It inspires me to help whoever wants to give this new way of life a try and go to whatever i length i can to share a message of hope with them. It was not until i surrendered completely and accepted that this really was what my heart had been searching for all my life, that i begin to make more progress than i ever thought possible. Sometimes people and situations frustrate me, but i reapply myself to using the spiritual tools i have been blessed with instead of picking back up the broken toys of my self destruction. i am an integral part of a fellowship of recovering people who are enjoying the ongoing freedom from active alcoholism & addiction. As long as i stay committed to my own life, the possibilities are limitless and the future remains very exciting to me. There are miracles in process all around me!

i hope that you continue to seek that which has become lost to you
& that you find out what your true purpose and place in this world is.

keithj

Rightonac,

That's not what I'm talking about. The things you listed, your social engagements, are all external things. The promises of recovery are all internal. When you are fulfilled internally, you will find joy in whatever external activities you choose to participate in.

It's part of the open-mindedness required. I've learned that I really have no idea what is going to make me happy. Serious. I think I know what I need to be fulfilled. My thinking I already know prevents me from having the experience of finding out.

You may be able to find smaller meetings that stick closer to the message of the solution by seeking out book study, step study, primary purpose, or any meeting that takes its name from the BB. Those tend to be a bit more focused. Or, find a guy that talks about a spiritual solution. Odds are that he will know where those meetings are at locally.

Dee74

Hi rightonac

I'm not being a wise guy, but I find the only limits to my life are the ones I place there myself

Do a little self exploration....start with the basics maybe - what do you think keeps you going back to drinking? What do you think drinking does for you so essentially that you can't turn yr back on it?

I know - you're addicted. We all are.
But examining my inner dialogues helped me to stop my believing my BS.

I found I was not really getting what I thought I was from my drinking, and I looked for less harmful ways to get what I wanted and live the live I desired.

It made the difference for me between stopping and staying stopped.

Noone ever died from not drinking....and noone ever needs to be sad or feel they lack something from sobriety either

good luck!
D

tommyk

"What other tricks do you all use to maintain motivation?"

I go to AA meetings that I really don't like and meetings where I am not comfortable.

It reminds me that life is not all roses, but that I easily (EASILY) handle it.

I've got 15 years of sober time and I still attend AA meetings I don't like - it is good mental exercise.

Just for today there's nothing that can make me drink... I know, because I attend the meetings that make me uncomfortable, so I am used to discomfort.

Practice doing a few things you don't like, and a few things outside of your 'comfort zone'... you'll become a stronger person.

rightonac

Thanks for the discussion.

I do find it instructive to examine what I get/want to get from drinking. There is real reward there, as well as bs; and the bs hurts enough to start the process.

And I truly believe the entire exercise of quitting, and all of the work and life changes I’m finding necessary to do it successfully, are fundamentally improving me.

I wish it didn’t, but sometimes it feels very scary to change “who I thought I was.”

NewBeginning010

Yep, scary & also beautiful at the same time. I have had more special moments with people that I care about in the last few weeks since being sober than I have in a long time.

I have burried myself & my feelings for so long its like I am getting to know "me" all over again. If I forgive myself for some of my mistakes & be the true/good person that I am I find I am enjoying exploring this world sober & improving myself & my relationships along the way.

Keep posting & good luck in your journey into sobriety.

Take Care,

NB

CarolD

Have you thought of keeping a journal?
I found that useful ...a good way to see my
progress or to see where I needed more work.

AA is an awesome adventure in living sober.
It's been a interesting ..beneficial force for me.

SurviveIt

I'm a shy person like you and have found that being sober has hampered my social life to some extent, but not really that much.

As for "limiting" -- no way! It's fun to find out how much fun stuff there is to do in this world other than drinking.

Mark75

This is a great thread!!

I like what keithj says about open-mindedness. That is really true for me. I really consider it part of the third and eleventh steps...

I get out of my own way, especially when I'm agitated or discontent... I clear my head, realize that I don't know what will make me happy... But I have Faith that I will, in fact be happy, if I let it happen... If I let God, higher power, whatever, ...just do His thing... as long as I do mine, ie... the "next right thing", whatever that may be... maybe it's just not picking up...

or I could just say...

"Let Go and Let God" another one of those impossibly corny slogans that happen to have incredible meaning.

Mark