The Affair
Member
Join Date: Apr 2009
Posts: 3,095
9iron,
If you really want some feedback, the only thing I can say is to think real carefully about this. Some bridges can't be unburned. The BB chapters 'To Wives' and 'The Family Afterward' provide some really good spiritual direction to someone in your position. It took me a couple of years to realize that it wasn't just Bill W. hoping the wives would go easy on us fragile alkies; it was actually direction to help them. I've used those directions in working with some family of alcoholics. Could be of benefit to you.
Great observation. "We began to see that the world and it's people really dominated us." BB says that in talking about that manifestation of self known as resentment.
If you really want some feedback, the only thing I can say is to think real carefully about this. Some bridges can't be unburned. The BB chapters 'To Wives' and 'The Family Afterward' provide some really good spiritual direction to someone in your position. It took me a couple of years to realize that it wasn't just Bill W. hoping the wives would go easy on us fragile alkies; it was actually direction to help them. I've used those directions in working with some family of alcoholics. Could be of benefit to you.
Originally Posted by Chamabama 
I was not powerful or in control at all. I couldn't control her actions. But when I started doing thisngs that were outside of my charachter, I had actually given all my power up to her and to the situation.
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Join Date: Nov 2006
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Originally Posted by 9Iron
And wow, you would think this group is so virtuous that infidelity is unheard of in the recovering community based on the response and number of deleted posts. I'm not throwing stones at anyone here, but sure got a few thrown my way for what in this country is not an uncommon occurrence.
Infidelity is a very common topic in the rooms of recovery, even the Big Book goes into depth on the effects that alcoholism has on relationships and sex. From my own experience, the day I walked into AA was the day I found out my spouse was having an affair with a co-worker, and that same person is now the stepfather of my children. I don't like him, I don't care much for my ex's decisions, it's taken me years to realize that it's OK to not want to be friendly towards people who commit adultery and participate in the breakup of marriages and families.
Enough about me. My point? News like this can be devastating, especially when the motive is to attack and hurt. I'm still dealing with recurring pain after years of recovery. So I guess I'm begging you to rethink this. I still feel like it was an an incredibly selfish act on my ex's part, but the past is the past, I can't change it.
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Join Date: Apr 2004
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And wow, you would think this group is so virtuous that infidelity is unheard of in the recovering community based on the response and number of deleted posts. I'm not throwing stones at anyone here, but sure got a few thrown my way for what in this country is not an uncommon occurrence. Guess it's something that's best kept under wraps and not discussed in polite company.
You seem to want REVENGE. RETRIBUTION. and a bunch of other things. Got to tell you with that kind of thinking you are going to continue to be unhappy and miserable.
And the one you will really 'hurt' is yourself. Since you are having such a 'hard time' with this, and yes it is hard living with an alkie be they still drinking or in the early years of sobriety, and it is quite obvious by this thread that you still have 'issues', now might be a good time for you to find a 'therapist', 'counselor' etc whose expertise is the field of addiction.
As an alcoholic myself with many years in recovery and a co-dependent also with many years in recovery I can tell you that there are 'issues' with both of you.
Please think about doing some recovery work on yourself. It can only help you resolve some of what is going on inside you now.
J M H O
Love and hugs,
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Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 6,947
damage the relationship in an attempt to save it
this is to find out once and for all whether she is willing to have the level of commitment to me that I have had for her through all of our ordeals.
The person who has been on the receiving end of it has no rights to damage the relationship in an attempt to save it.
Disturbing... You should deal with some of this anger with a therapist, priest, doctor first, before you "damage" anything...
Mark
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 61
Thanks for everyone that responded in a positive manor. You are giving me a lot to think about. I am thinking very hard right now, and have great reason to pause before deciding anything.
mergirl
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Paradise
Posts: 4,161
When she hurt you, you chose to stay.
When she hurt your children, you chose to let her continue.
Now you will chose to act out a hateful scenario to prove to yourself she is worthy?
I feel so sorry for your children right now, who is looking out for their best interests?
Most here are not appalled at the idea of infidelity, we all have made our mistakes.
Most her are appalled by the reckless abandon your hurt has brought out.
You may end up hurting the other woman you will involve yourself with as well. Would it sound any better to your ears if you said " I am going to beat my wife within an inch of her life, if she forgives me we can rebuild?"
I think my friend it is too late for your marriage if you have this much built up anger. Find a way to help yourself to a better, more peaceful life and do your children a favor.
" An eye for an eye leaves everyone blind"~Ghandi
When she hurt your children, you chose to let her continue.
Now you will chose to act out a hateful scenario to prove to yourself she is worthy?
I feel so sorry for your children right now, who is looking out for their best interests?
Most here are not appalled at the idea of infidelity, we all have made our mistakes.
Most her are appalled by the reckless abandon your hurt has brought out.
You may end up hurting the other woman you will involve yourself with as well. Would it sound any better to your ears if you said " I am going to beat my wife within an inch of her life, if she forgives me we can rebuild?"
I think my friend it is too late for your marriage if you have this much built up anger. Find a way to help yourself to a better, more peaceful life and do your children a favor.
" An eye for an eye leaves everyone blind"~Ghandi
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Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Orlando Florida
Posts: 220
9Iron, write this down so you can come back and thank me for how insightful I am when it comes true. When you spring your little "ambush" on your wife she will immediately make a bee-line to her nearest bottle and drink until she passes out. Furthermore her drinking and your family life will keep getting exponentially worse as long as you are walking around with your resentment chip on your shoulder. Your theme song is below.
YouTube - The Delgados - All You Need is Hate
YouTube - The Delgados - All You Need is Hate
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Join Date: May 2007
Location: Sweden
Posts: 1,649
Oh, I know, it’s not her fault, she’s an alcoholic after all. Once sober, the past is the past, one day at a time, accept the things you cannot change, all that.
It is not about "the past is the past". Quite the opposite actually....
Accept the things you cannot change is a tool for the alcoholic in learning how to change their way of thinking. It is not meant to be interpreted that the people hurt by the alcoholic have to accept the alcoholic behavior when it is abusive or hurtful...
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Join Date: May 2009
Location: SoCal
Posts: 373
When I read all this, I actually see some abandonment issues. It looks to me that you are very scared about what your new life is going to look like. I see a theme of "is she going to leave me now that she's sober?"
From what I understand, you're not even planning on having an affair. You're just planning on telling her that you had an affair in an attempt to test the relationship.
Before, when she was drinking, she was also dependant on you to an extent. (I'm guessing.) But if she gets sober, then she will be an equal partner. That can be a very scary idea.
It's not surprising that you are going through a wide range of emotions. Your relationship with your wife is going to change.
If you go through with your plan it kinda serves a double purpose. First, it's a very unhealthy way to test the relationship. Secondly, it acts to sabotage her recovery, thus, perhaps, returning the relationship to its status quo.
I suspect that what you're going through is very normal. Thinking about it and talking about it (to outsiders) could actually be very helpful for you. ACTING on the impulse could be very devasting to you, your children and your wife. I'm very happy that you are going to put some quality time into the decision.
I join the others in strongly suggesting you get some help for yourself.
Be well!
From what I understand, you're not even planning on having an affair. You're just planning on telling her that you had an affair in an attempt to test the relationship.
Before, when she was drinking, she was also dependant on you to an extent. (I'm guessing.) But if she gets sober, then she will be an equal partner. That can be a very scary idea.
It's not surprising that you are going through a wide range of emotions. Your relationship with your wife is going to change.
If you go through with your plan it kinda serves a double purpose. First, it's a very unhealthy way to test the relationship. Secondly, it acts to sabotage her recovery, thus, perhaps, returning the relationship to its status quo.
I suspect that what you're going through is very normal. Thinking about it and talking about it (to outsiders) could actually be very helpful for you. ACTING on the impulse could be very devasting to you, your children and your wife. I'm very happy that you are going to put some quality time into the decision.
I join the others in strongly suggesting you get some help for yourself.
Be well!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 61
Anvil - gotcha, I thought that you thought I had already done something along the lines posted above. Just wanted to be clear.
Keith - yes, still sober, 3 weeks and a day. It hasn't been that bad for me to not drink outside of the first couple of days. Although I must admit a fairly strong craving Friday afternoon of Memorial Day weekend, but got through that.
Within the past 30 minutes or so I've decided to go see a counselor. I guess maybe I am as ****** up as everyone here seems to be in agreement on. Hopefully someone that has experience dealing with both rocky marriages and substance abuse.
I sure didn't seek to cause a whole **** storm here but because my post did perhaps I'm not thinking clearly.
Again, thanks to all with helpful feedback. To all of those whose feedback was less than constructive, well best of luck to you too.
Keith - yes, still sober, 3 weeks and a day. It hasn't been that bad for me to not drink outside of the first couple of days. Although I must admit a fairly strong craving Friday afternoon of Memorial Day weekend, but got through that.
Within the past 30 minutes or so I've decided to go see a counselor. I guess maybe I am as ****** up as everyone here seems to be in agreement on. Hopefully someone that has experience dealing with both rocky marriages and substance abuse.
I sure didn't seek to cause a whole **** storm here but because my post did perhaps I'm not thinking clearly.
Again, thanks to all with helpful feedback. To all of those whose feedback was less than constructive, well best of luck to you too.
Member
Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 24
Oh dear.. fighting fire with fire. well if that works for you and makes you feel a sense of justice, who are we to try and stop you... Just make sure you practice safe sex though wont you, i mean theres nothing worse than an ich down below to take the triumph out of any situation.. ahemm so ive heard, allegedly.
I say go for it man........ Then after the deed is done and you wife somehow magically comes to her senses and realises what she's done to you. ( not ! ) You look your children right in their eyes and tell them what a wonderfully clever daddy they have, playing mummy back at her own game., i'm sure you've allowed yourself to become sufficiently tortured enough by now to be able to hurt anyone, including your kids... think about it.
C'mon man get a grip. there has to be a much more healthier way to feel validated.
I say go for it man........ Then after the deed is done and you wife somehow magically comes to her senses and realises what she's done to you. ( not ! ) You look your children right in their eyes and tell them what a wonderfully clever daddy they have, playing mummy back at her own game., i'm sure you've allowed yourself to become sufficiently tortured enough by now to be able to hurt anyone, including your kids... think about it.
C'mon man get a grip. there has to be a much more healthier way to feel validated.
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Join Date: Dec 2003
Posts: 12,136
I'm glad you decided to come here and share before taking action. I'm glad you are willing to look at things differently. Intentionally causing harm to another is never the answer. Your entire family is going through an emotional upheaval, and I understand why you are having a difficult time right now. Alcoholism is a family disease, and affects all of it's members. There are programs like Ala-teen for children, and I hope you look into something like this for the kids. They, too, need support during this period.
'Strike when the iron is cold' is something my addictions doc once told me and I've never forgotten. I take time to cool down these days before tackling a difficult problem or person.
Take good care.
'Strike when the iron is cold' is something my addictions doc once told me and I've never forgotten. I take time to cool down these days before tackling a difficult problem or person.
Take good care.
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Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Starting over all over again
Posts: 4,426
Hey there 9Iron 
Been there, felt that. My ex cheated on my with three other guys. That I know of. One of them I thought was a best friend. In the process of cheating with one guy she led me to invest a big amount of money in a project that I thought would be good for our business. Turns out it was just a "smoke screen" so she could spend more time with our "business partner".
Those other guys, the ones that she cheated with, they were all married too. They had all made their own vows to their own wives. In front of their own God.
I dunno about you, 9Iron, but I have a really _deep_ distaste for those guys who cheated with my wife. Becoming one of _Them_ is absolutely _not_ the kind of man I want to be.
I made a promise to my ex-wife, and my God, in front of all my friends and family. To become the kind of man who goes back on that kind of promise is not something I am going to allow. My ex-wife took so much from me already, I'm not going to allow her to take my dignity and honor as well. Not ever.
What I did was I closed down our business, sold as much as I could and left. Moved a few hundred miles away and started over. They say the best revenge is _success_, and for me that is absolutely true.
I have done _nothing_ to be ashamed of. I am as far from becoming that kind of man as I can possibly be. I can face my children honestly, without secrets. As well as my family and friends, and some day my God.
9Iron, I would be honored to meet you in a meeting some day, as men who have kept their dignity and honor thru a miserable situation.
Mike
Been there, felt that. My ex cheated on my with three other guys. That I know of. One of them I thought was a best friend. In the process of cheating with one guy she led me to invest a big amount of money in a project that I thought would be good for our business. Turns out it was just a "smoke screen" so she could spend more time with our "business partner".
Those other guys, the ones that she cheated with, they were all married too. They had all made their own vows to their own wives. In front of their own God.
I dunno about you, 9Iron, but I have a really _deep_ distaste for those guys who cheated with my wife. Becoming one of _Them_ is absolutely _not_ the kind of man I want to be.
I made a promise to my ex-wife, and my God, in front of all my friends and family. To become the kind of man who goes back on that kind of promise is not something I am going to allow. My ex-wife took so much from me already, I'm not going to allow her to take my dignity and honor as well. Not ever.
What I did was I closed down our business, sold as much as I could and left. Moved a few hundred miles away and started over. They say the best revenge is _success_, and for me that is absolutely true.
I have done _nothing_ to be ashamed of. I am as far from becoming that kind of man as I can possibly be. I can face my children honestly, without secrets. As well as my family and friends, and some day my God.
9Iron, I would be honored to meet you in a meeting some day, as men who have kept their dignity and honor thru a miserable situation.
Mike
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Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,279
Originally Posted by 9Iron
Within the past 30 minutes or so I've decided to go see a counselor. I guess maybe I am as ****** up as everyone here seems to be in agreement on. Hopefully someone that has experience dealing with both rocky marriages and substance abuse.
I sure didn't seek to cause a whole **** storm here but because my post did perhaps I'm not thinking clearly.
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Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Scottsdale, AZ, one big happy dysfunctional family!
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Originally Posted by DesertEyes
I dunno about you, 9Iron, but I have a really _deep_ distaste for those guys who cheated with my wife. Becoming one of _Them_ is absolutely _not_ the kind of man I want to be.
I made a promise to my ex-wife, and my God, in front of all my friends and family. To become the kind of man who goes back on that kind of promise is not something I am going to allow. My ex-wife took so much from me already, I'm not going to allow her to take my dignity and honor as well. Not ever.
What I did was I closed down our business, sold as much as I could and left. Moved a few hundred miles away and started over. They say the best revenge is _success_, and for me that is absolutely true.
I have done _nothing_ to be ashamed of. I am as far from becoming that kind of man as I can possibly be. I can face my children honestly, without secrets. As well as my family and friends, and some day my God.
I made a promise to my ex-wife, and my God, in front of all my friends and family. To become the kind of man who goes back on that kind of promise is not something I am going to allow. My ex-wife took so much from me already, I'm not going to allow her to take my dignity and honor as well. Not ever.
What I did was I closed down our business, sold as much as I could and left. Moved a few hundred miles away and started over. They say the best revenge is _success_, and for me that is absolutely true.
I have done _nothing_ to be ashamed of. I am as far from becoming that kind of man as I can possibly be. I can face my children honestly, without secrets. As well as my family and friends, and some day my God.
Thanks Mike. I think I'll rest a little easier tonight.
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 61
Desert Eyes
Thanks for the message Mike
I've rethought my original position and realized I was lashing out with anger over the whole situation. One of those moments where you just want to say "screw it, nobody around me is acting responsibly why should I?" I thought this whole thing through driving fast listening to some good loud hate-metal music and in a way just wanted to junk everything I am and know and start over. Just writing out the crazy idea in the manner I did to get the most severe reaction was subconsciously the beginning of the 'abort mission', and thought out reasoned responses like yours assured that I would never do it. I don't want to be the person I wrote about becoming, in fact I resolve more than ever before not to. Thank you for helping me realize that.
I pissed a lot of people off around here and will be lying low for a while as some made clear they don't ever want to hear from me again. Maybe I hit too close to home for some, I don't know but will honor their wishes. I just wanted to update a few days later that I am making an appointment to go see a counselor and am not going through with the crazy thoughts I was having that afternoon.
Peace to all, and catch you down the road sometime.
Thanks for the message Mike
I've rethought my original position and realized I was lashing out with anger over the whole situation. One of those moments where you just want to say "screw it, nobody around me is acting responsibly why should I?" I thought this whole thing through driving fast listening to some good loud hate-metal music and in a way just wanted to junk everything I am and know and start over. Just writing out the crazy idea in the manner I did to get the most severe reaction was subconsciously the beginning of the 'abort mission', and thought out reasoned responses like yours assured that I would never do it. I don't want to be the person I wrote about becoming, in fact I resolve more than ever before not to. Thank you for helping me realize that.
I pissed a lot of people off around here and will be lying low for a while as some made clear they don't ever want to hear from me again. Maybe I hit too close to home for some, I don't know but will honor their wishes. I just wanted to update a few days later that I am making an appointment to go see a counselor and am not going through with the crazy thoughts I was having that afternoon.
Peace to all, and catch you down the road sometime.
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