Aysha

I have felt really hopeful here lately.
I dont know what it is. I just feel good and feel like things will be ok.
I cant describe in words how great hope feels. I dont think there is a way to capture exactly how it feels. You just have to feel it to know.
Its like you feel light as air. Energised, and content. My heart races and my mood rises. Its a wonderful feeling.

Also dreams. Not the ones when you your sleeping.
But the ones you work toward. Goals. Things that keep you going everyday.
We drove through one of the nicer neighborhoods by us yesterday. The houses start at 400K. And just that little drive through there had me thinking and hoping and dreaming of what I want to do with my life.
Seeing those beautiful houses made me think about school, a good job, working hard, just doing whatever I had to do to make it.

I know I will neve rhave a 400K house. I may never even own a house. But it was great motivation to think about other things I can do in my life.

I am so grateful for the many chances I have had in my life. I have the drive. I have the dreams. I have the goals. I just need to do it.
Stop playing around and do it.

I know I am capable of accomplishing something.

tommyk

I can't put a pricetag on the peace & serenity being clean & sober has provided.

Priceless.

Astro

Never say never. Not if you stay clean and sober, not if you have hope and faith in a Power greater than yourself.

4 years ago I had lost all hope, I'd given up my home, marriage, and family to alcohol. It felt like the story of my life had ended, except there was no ending to it, there was just nothing left, only darkness and loneliness. I thought I'd never have a life worth living again.

I've thought about this alot lately, and I know exactly what you mean by this: It's like you feel light as air. Energized, and content. My heart races and my mood rises. It's a wonderful feeling.

When I leave my office tonight (my employer stuck with me through the ups and downs of my recovery) I'll pick my children up for our custody time together. Our relationship is awesome, and the time we're apart gives me the space to work on my recovery. We'll go to our second new home, the first one gave us a great place to reconnect, the second one we share with my fiancee, we're building a new family and a new life together. Oh, and I'll go to a meeting, I never dreamed I'd have so many new friends that I can trust, and we love each other unconditionally. We share a safe home in recovery together.

Life is just amazing now, and I know without a doubt that there's so much more to come.

Your dreams will come to realization. Just remember though, they're usually not what you thought they'd be. Most of the time, they're much better than anything you could've planned.

Live

Hey, Chiy.....

I have always had a list of things I hope to do in this lifetime...but have often lost hope...so i loved seeing your thread!

Want to keep it going?

On the here and now is that my sis bought me concert tickets 3d row!!! to see Metallica.....well I have gained alot of weight (mostly due to meds..yuk) but I decided that I want to get into my black leather jeans for the concert (end of Sept).
My roomie traded some photos in exchange for both of us to attend a month long fitness boot camp. Got up at 4:15 this morning to go....and thought they were going to have to scrape me off the floor in 10 minutes! LOL or hopefully LMAO!

Another dream is to go snorkeling in Pennecamp State Park in FL. (I don't live in FL anymore, so that is like 1500 miles away now). I got to go snorkeling once and fell in love....got to go one other time but water was too rough. That is a big deal dream of mine.

I have lots of dreams, tho' I almost forgot them all at bad times in life.

So, let's share dreams, y'wanna?

And what baby step we can take today to inch closer?

This program calls for homework and the number of jumping jacks is 200 (holy mother of heart attack collapse...and I smoke cigs!)....but instead of taking a nap....I just went outside on the porch and did 30 jumping jacks....and after I drink my water and cool off....I will go do another set of however many I can...and I am going to keep it up until I can do some with my 3 lb ankle weights. (by the end of the month-max)......

you could start cutting our pictures of the things you would want to do with your home and build a binder and keep a jar of change????? just a thought what comes to your mind???

Aysha

I want to move back to South Florida someday. A day when I can and not fall back into killing myself slowly. I have been gone 6 yrs and I miss it so much. The weather, the atmosphere, the beach..OMG How I miss the ocean. That rips my heart out. I love the ocean. My friends. The ones I had before I got lost.
The opportunity there is down there. The carefree feeling. The slow laid back lifestyle. I just want to go back more than anything.

I want to be able to pay bills and buy things and go places without having to save. I have to save to pay the dang phone bill some months. That is just unacceptable to me.
I remember when we use to be able to go out to eat on a whim. Go on a short road trip for the day, buy something on a spur of the moment. Its not like that anymore.

I want a decent car and decent home that I own. A good job I love to wake up and go to. I want to make a difference in some way.

I want to be able to take my grams to NC to see her brother whenevr we want to. Or TX to see her other brother before he is gone. Take her on a cruise or just take her out to dinner anytime we feel like it.
I want to be able to fix things when they break and replace things as needed.
I cant even fix my van. I havent been able to drive it in almost a month becasue the brakes are shot. Thats sad. I need that van to get to work. I am working for nothing it feels like some days.
But I have a job. And I barely break $200 a week right now. I am 33 yrs old and thats less than a teenager would make at a summer job. I rememebr in my early 20s I was making at least that in one day.
I want to be able to help my family when and if they need it. I would love to pay my dad's house off for him. I dream of winning the lotto and giving everyone in my family hundreds of thousands of dollars to free them of debt. And then some. Free them of worry for a little while.
I want to be one of those success stories that you read about. That come from the gutter of addiction and climb to heights of life they never would have dreamed of before.

Most of all..I just want to be ok. Free of my chains. I want to know I dont have to worry about falling back into the pits again. I dont want to keep starting over again and again.
I have never had anything to lose before. I cant even get going most of the time. I never have really.
I am just tired of being my age and not eing where I should be. WHere I know I could have been had I not chose drugs over life all those years ago. Geez I was just a baby. I didnt have a chance. I have been an addict since I was 12. Sooner if you count all the gas I use to huff everyday in 5th grade. Its sad. It makes me wonder how I got there so young.

But thats all in the past. I am still young and can still make something of myself.
My father got sober around my age. He has since built a house and is a mason contractor.

Wow..I just totally had my whole life flash before my eyes typing all this.

Like I have been saying. I really need to do something drastic in my life. I mean seriously huge and drastic. Its going to be a huge all or nothig type of move that I will make. And I feel it happening very soon. Within a year or so. I cant sit here doign nothing anymore.
I def need to get out of NY. I cant grow here. I never could. I am just not happy here.

I could go on and on. So I am going to stop there.

Metallica was my very first concert when I was 13. I will hopefully be going to cruefest in Sept. I havent been to a concert since I was like 20 yrs old. Its about time I started doing things.
Thx for helping me run through my mess here..LOL.

I have alot of dreams. I havent even thought about any of them in so long.
It feels good to hope. Hope can mean everything sometimes.

Live

Baby steps?

Airline tickets are really cheap right now........my oh so generous sis just bought me and roomie tickets for family get together just south of Tampa....from Oklahoma City...they were $186 a piece.
I love the ocean too...and can't wait to go float at my favorite spot at a nature conserve and chase crabs!!!!

Also....NY...lots of cheap flights going to super cool places AND I will bet you could find some last minute cruise deals super cheap.
In Florida, I would buy last minute deals and get a weekend cruise for around $200.

Are you interested in college? I think there are new grants available and there are always student loans. I loved going to a community college at 35....one of the most fun times of my life!

Every journey begins with just one step!!!!!!!!!!!!


Rock on!!!!!!!!!

Aysha

Oh How could I forget. I want a boat so bad. Cruise down the intercoastal and look at all those big mansions and just float up to a restaurant and get out on the dock and eat lunch or dinner. Hop back in the boat and just keep floatin on down the water way.
Fireworks on the ocean is the most amazing display of fireworks I have ever seen in my life.

Yes school. I went through all the motions for Palm Beach Community College back in the day. Never went back after getting in and I stalled after the entrance exam. I dont even know what I scored.

I may ask my uncle in Charlotte if he would let me come stay with him for a little while when we go visit next year. I am not quite ready for Florida yet. I am not ready to go back to NC either. But I wont be in Greensboro so I should be ok. Charlotte is only an hour and a half away. My brother gets out of prison in NC in Aug. He lives in Greensboro. He is telling me all the jail talk as usual. How he isnt goin to do drugs anymore when he gets out. But yet he plans on selling and coming up and being a big deal. I already know how thats gonna go. I know his intentions are good. And I know he has it in him to do good. But he is never goin to do it goin right back to the same life. No matter which way he is doin it.
I dont know. I need to get out of NY. I hate to leave my grams. But I cant let that hold me back anymore. I think I use it as an excuse to not grow up to be honest. She doesnt need me.
I would hate it and never forgive myself if something happened to her and I wasnt here tho. I cant even think about that day. It is goin to either make or break me the day she passes. In my worst times of addiction I always said I was going to kill myself on her grave after she died. Thats just morbid and sick.
She wouldnt want that. Thats hw lost I feel without her. Thats pitiful.
But I am hoping it will make me a stronger person and make me go on to be the person she raised me to be. I have to do that before she is gone. I need her to see me make it .

Aysha

So I just rattled on with my own dreams...Does anyone want to share theirs?

It can be practical or impractical.
A childhood dream or one you are still working toward.
Evenif you want to be a fairy princess in a magic land far far away.
What is that you dream of?

Live

Someday I am going to get to piggyback on a tandem parachute jump.
I have planned this for years and I am going to wear Depends.

Aysha

LMAO!!

I bungee jumped ion Pigeon Forge , TN when I was 16. It was awesome. Talk abotu adrenaline. I bet jumping out of a plane would be through the roof adrenaline.
Mayeb I should work toward doing things like that for my excitement. Since I like pushing the limit and love the adrenaline rush of things.

I want to get a nice big RV and just travel all over the country.

Astro

Love it!!

I'd like to retire to a cabin in the pines just outside of Flagstaff. Just a small cozy place with a big wood-burning stove for the winter months, and a workshop where I can putter. I'll do lots of hiking and fishing too. And I'd like a small RV so we can go wherever we want to see the country.

Toomutch

I dream to have a cabin in the mountains on a lake or river where I can stay during the summer. I would spend most of my time outdoors on my mountain bike, fishing and hiking. During the winter months I would like to live in a cottage maybe in Couth Carolina where I would be a bee keeper. The ocean would be close enough to where I could walk miles down the coastline and I would get certified to scubadive.