acer67

Welcome Lucid!

I can totally relate to what you are saying. I still question this about myself sometimes. However, a member of AA told me a few weeks back that I should consider this a "gift" that I am noticing the red flags now instead of like her who had lost so much before she called it quits. Here is a quote from Step One of the AA Big Book which sums this up effectively for me:

"Alcoholics who still had their health, their families, their jobs, and even two cars in the garage, began to recognize their alcoholism. As this trend grew, they were joined by young people who were scarcely more than potential alcoholics. They were spared the last ten or fifteen years of literal hell the rest of us had gone through"
then it goes on to state:

"It was obviously necessary to raise the bottom the rest of us had hit to the point where it would hit them"


This site is a wonderful source of support for me. Keep coming back!

Tazman53

Wow Acer!!!! Awesome Big Book quote!!! And possibly one reason for the many relapses we see today in AA that were not seen in the past. In early AA most of those who came to AA were really low bottom alcoholics, they had lost almost if not everything, there was no doubt in their minds that they could never drink safely again. I personally was I think about a year away from reaching that point, when I found my bottom my family was getting ready to leave me and the rest of my house of cards were ready to fall in rapid succession. Today we do get a lot more people in the rooms that due to better common knowledge about the signs of early alcoholism come in long before they do even come close to the point I got to.

We all get to choose our bottoms, some are very high bottoms and some are hard to believe low bottoms and of course everything in between, in my limited experience of 2 1/2 years in the rooms, the lower a persons bottom is, the less chance of relapse. All 3 of my present sponsee's were low bottom and 2 of them have over a year sober today and the third has over 2 years. My first sponsee still had it all and from what he shared with me was in no danger of losing anything, he dissappeared, he might be sober and fine, or he may be back out there doing more searching for his real bottom, I don't know.

CALYNN

Hi Lucid - I was also asking a lot of the same questions that you are. Even though I haven't hit any "bottom", I'm here now because I don't want to get to that point. I have seen family members hit "rock bottom" and it's absolutely awful and something I want to avoid at all costs. My grandfather's "bottom" was committing suicide. My mother's "bottom" was almost dying (twice!). I also had a friend who's "bottom" was going into a coma on Christmas Eve.

Although I'm not sure about AA for me at this point, there is a lot of useful information there. Here's a link to AA & 12 questions to answer to determine if you might have a problem (you only need 4 yes answers). My score was 8...

Alcoholics Anonymous : Is A.A. For You?

Best of luck to you!

CALYNN

I forgot to mention the devastating effects that "losing or almost losing someone to alcohol" has had in my family. It's almost like the "snowball" effect. After my grandfather committed suicide, my mother went into a deep depression & that's what started her heavy drinking. She was already a social drinker (maybe a little too much at times), so it wasn't a big leap for her to go into full-blown alcoholism. I remember the first time she was hospitalized and wasn't expected to recover. I couldn't imagine how/why she would do that after what it had done to my grandfather. I SWORE I would never have a problem with alcohol (I was also a social drinker). Fast forward to 10 years later (mom quit for 10 years) and mom is hospitalized again and not expected to recover. Well, this time I went into a deep depression and guess what??? I started drinking heavily. Here I am 5 years later, mom has been sober for 5 years, and I'm still drinking too much.

I think once you cross the line from being a social drinker to an alcoholic (and there are lots of reasons that happens - it's different for everyone), it's very hard to go back & be able to control your drinking. Like I said, I NEVER thought I would be where I'm at, but here I am.

CarolD

Welcome to our recovery community.....

shaun00

Cant imagine life without booze......that told me alot about you.....because it was like me...

but heres the story..........but my story is similar to lots that have found sobriety.

I am a chronic alcoholic.....a bum.......vagrant and was living like an animal.
i couldn't go an hour without a drink........of anything........anytime.

i was 8 stone and yellow....alcohol cornered me into wanting to destroy myself...i did the rounds for years......hospital ...jails.......mental health wards.

Wanna know what I'm doing today..?.......mowing my lawn....spending time with my beautiful wife.....walking our 5 dogs in the lovely countryside we live in.....

We may go up the local pub for a meal......great food and cheap...lol
i may ring my daughter...........cos i love her with all my heart.
shame i missed 7 years of her life but i can be here for her now.

Thats along way from a 8 stone....yellow...and living like an animal.
Thats a long way from..CANT IMAGINE LIFE WITHOUT BOOZE.

you see....i cant imagine life WITH booze....anymore.
It takes time...and patience and for me it took AA and the 12 steps.

What you imagine is impossible....is within reach AND possible.

there will be a time in the future when you cant imagine life WITH booze.

god be with you and guide you........as he did me.

now.........to the lawn....

trucker

optra

Welcome and thank you for starting this thread. I echo what so many have said. I could have save myself 15 years of breaking promises to myself and others about stuff I wouldn't do had I acted on my feelings that I "might" have a problem instead of drinking more to push them away.
I wish you all the best!

lucid

Hi everyone. I'm checking in to say thank you again. I was nervous about signing in from work, but I have been covertly following this thread, and you've helped me do what I needed to do these last couple of days. I have an appointment to see a psychologist on June 8th and today I went to my first AA meeting. The people at the meeting were wonderful to me and I have two phone numbers now.

It's strange. I think of myself as a very controlled person, but I broke down in tears both when I was making the psych appointment and when I introduced myself at the meeting. I don't even know why I was crying. It's embarrassing because I haven't gone through anything really terrible (yet). Anyway, regardless of whether or not I'm a "hard drinker" or an "alcoholic", I've obviously got some issues I need to deal with.

Tazman53 and keithj, I thought about your posts a great deal. I feel confused about whether I should be thinking one day at a time or longer spans of time. I'm worried about doing the latter because I feel that there's a greater likelihood of me failing and once I fail, it'll be easier for me to keep failing. I can be an all-or-nothing kinda person. This is something I'm going to continue thinking about.

Yeah, this has really bothered me. Now that I've crossed that line, I do feel like all bets are off. I don't trust myself anymore. Your post made me think of a scene from HBO's The Wire -- it's the one where a woman talks about what her addiction made her do:

This haunts me. And it reminds me that if I don't stop drinking now, I'm consigning myself to years of misery. acer67, your quote from the Big Book made me ponder why I'm continually getting hung up on whether I'm truly an alcoholic. What does it matter? Why do I need that confirmation?? Being able to quit as a "potential alcoholic" would be fantastic.

Dee74

hey again

I dunno about Taz or Keith, but for me I had to 'stay in the day' or I would have lost it.

I'm another all or nothing person but to try and think of the task all together was just too much...it got easier when I discovered all I really had to do was stay sober today

D

lucid

Yeah, I naturally respond to the idea of gradually "putting some days together." But it's weird because I did the exact opposite when I quit smoking. For that addiction, I really needed to tell myself and everyone else that I was done for good.

least

Just take it one day at a time. The more time you have sober, the more comfortable and normal it will feel. Just stay sober today, and tomorrow, do it again.:ghug2

keithj

It doesn't matter. I tried to figure out and analyze my alcoholism and all it did was keep me drunk. That one day at a time thing has little to do with not drinking a day at a time. Not drinking a day at a time is what is referred to as 'white knuckle' sobriety. Don't settle for that. You are on a path to recovery. Find someone in an AA meeting who speaks of a spritual solution out of that book and follow their directions. My preconceived notions about how things worked only got in the way. Follow directions. Do what other recovered people had to do, and you will recover. It works every time.

Anna

I, too, had to decide that drinking was no longer an option. If I had told myself I could drink tomorrow, that would have opened a door for me, so I couldn't do that.

However, when I had tough moments, I tried to focus on the hour, the day and get through that.

lucid

Thanks, keithj and anna. I do have a tendency to be overly analytical and to drive myself crazy asking questions. I'll try to stay focused on learning from others and keeping an open mind. I'm not a spiritual person though, so I'm hoping there's another way of getting past this white-knuckle sobriety.

(I said elsewhere that things have been going really smoothly these past two weeks, but tonight's not a good night. And I can't even identify what's triggering the craving so I feel a little outta control. Definitely white-knuckling it right now!)

suki44883

I know how difficult it can be. Something that helped me was to just stay busy. Find something to do that will keep my mind off of drinking.

lucid

Thanks, Suki. I think I'm going to go for a quick run. All this thinking about not-drinking is making me a little nuts.