SurviveIt

(This turned out longer than expected. Sorry about that.)

Hi everybody. I need to quit drinking or it will kill me, one way or the other. Today is Day One for me of a lifelong process of healing. I have some questions about how this recovery thing might work for me.

First some background:

For 25 years, I have drunk more than I should. Well aware of the danger (both my father and grandfather are/were alcoholics) I have always taken great pains to moderate. Once I quit completely (on my own) for five years after a particularly embarrassing incident. Ten years ago I fell off that long wagon ride and have taken several shorter ones since.

Now I can see what they say about it being a progressive disease, and I can no longer afford to kid myself about it. If I keep going down this path, I will end up as the drunk-all-the-time jerk I swore I would never become, and -- oh yeah -- it will kill me.

Anyway, the 12 Steps aren't new to me. My dad got sober just about the same time I started to drink. I've been to Al-anon meetings and AA meetings, and here's the thing:

It's really, truly just not for me. This is not denial. Like I said: I know I need to quit. AA doesn't work for me because I have issues with the spiritual side of it. One great friend of mine who never drank or smoked died at the age of 26 after an excruciating two-year struggle with Hodgkins. He was a very spiritual person. It is impossible for me, personally, to believe in a "Higher Power" that gives a sh*t about me (or anybody else) personally. Any such power would not allow such things to happen. If there is a God, He/It made me an alcoholic. And if it's my own "Higher Power," well then, isn't it really all about me, and doesn't that kind of defeat the purpose?

(Please don't think that I disrespect anyone's belief in that higher power. I respect it tremendously and envy it in a way.)

Plus, the meetings just make me uncomfortable in a way that makes me want to drink. The guys at the pub might be sick, divorced, unemployed, etc., but at least they're... what? honest with themselves about what they are? I've literally never left an AA meeting and not had a drink within an hour or two. It just rubs me wrong.

So my big question is this:

Are there any other paths that work? Are there systems that don't require belief in a higher power or an abundance of pithy maxims?

If AA is the only thing that works, I'll give it a shot, but my heart won't really be in it. I want to make amends and be kind and helpful. I want to live and be healthy. But I simply do not believe in God or anything like it and never will.

Can anyone provide some direction?

Thank you very much for helping to save my life.

bugsworth

Of course there are other ways...most alcoholics who do quit do so on their own. Not to say support is not helpful cause it absolutely is. Bottom line is and always has been that you have to want to remain sober more than you want to drink.

Please do not think it is disrespectful to speak to your concern...aa was not for me either and I do believe in God...just not the god of aa.

There are other "programs" like Smart and Lifering...but most people who do not attend aa simply make the commitment to change followed by lifestyle changes that support the commitment.

SR is a wonderful place to reach out to others who have been in your shoes...I have learned much here....continue to post and find what resonates with you.

Benjamin33

I too have a problem with the spirituality side of it. I heard someone say to a fellow alcoholic the other day at a meeting that to use his God if you didn't have one. He said in early recovery not to get too hung up on the God thing at first and emphasized the notion that the requirement was that the alcoholic become aware and believe an a Power Greater than Himself as he understands him

Maybe that will help, maybe not. I'm still not sure if it helps me, but I thought I would pass it along.

Good luck,

Ben

SurviveIt

Thanks. Right now the power greater than myself seems to be booze.

I'm so happy to have found this place. Any kind of support and affirmation will help. I just wish they had some kind of real-world support group like AA that allowed you to admit your problem, work on your character, take a moral inventory, make amends, help others and do all that good stuff without all the higher power stuff.

If I fall off the wagon (which I won't -- not this time), I want to take responsibility for it, not to think that God let me down. (Everybody dies. Maybe God just wants me to die sooner -- that's how I'd rationalize it.)

bugsworth

I agree that a support group is ideal in theory but it is not so easy to find another organization like aa without the religion. The internet allows us the opportunity like never before to reach out to others....like minded people are everywhere. There is no reason why you can't pursue some or even all of the things you mentioned like making amends and helping others. Sobriety is about personal responsibility...growing up if you will. Personally I have always felt like I had gotten myself into this mess it was up to me to get myself out.

CarolD

Welcome......

Please checkout this link for info on Secular recovery

Secular Connections - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

And.....

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-programs.html

Good to know you are here with us...

joedris

AA doesn't work for everyone. I know it saved my life, however. Don't get too hung over the spirituality thing. Sprituality is just your personal relationship with a higher power of your understanding. If you want to argue about the existence of God and why there are bad things happening, talk to a theologian or a philosopher.

But you might give AA a chance. Try another meeting. But if it doesn't work, there are other options. Hope you make it regardless.

Benjamin33

The above bold section fits me pretty well too. I will have severe physical problems if I continue to drink. I'm only 19 days and six of those were in a detox center. Believe it or not the most tempting time I've had so far was in the airport on my way home from detox. I have never been in an airport when I didn't drink. I had just spent 6 grand on a detox center and seriously considered "having a couple" as soon as I got out. If thats not insanity, I don't know what is.

Mary52

I suggest you go to a meeting and when they ask if anyone has anything to talk about, raise your hand and say exactly what you said to us here. I guarantee if meetings where you are , are anything like the ones here, you will have LOTS of responses, experience, strength, and hope, and maybe a little bit better understanding when the meeting is over. AA does not demand that you believe anything. Just keep an open-mind.

SurviveIt

Thanks to everybody. Looks like I'm going to make it through Day One, and I'm not sure that I would have had I not found this place.

flutter

I'm sober without AA.. I would not form an opinion on it however without giving it a shot, I did at least that. I do think extra support is critical.. counseling, something.. other programs etc..

FightingIrish

A.A. was the last thing on my mind when I realized I had to get some help.

This might be a little simplistic, but I wanted to get sober more than I wanted to disparage A.A. or complain about people who use the word, "God."

I have been mostly indifferent to the idea of God most of my life. I didn't find this to be an obstacle, however, to completing the A.A. program. I still have trouble when people throw the God word around like it's an empty vial at a crack house. But A.A. doesn't ask me to believe anything (it says so in the Big Book), so that works for me.

M

Hevyn

Hi SurviveIt - I'm catching up & just reading this now. (I liked what you said on fatchance's thread.) I agree with the others, don't let the God thing keep you from giving AA another chance. I am sober without it, but might try it again one day for extra reinforcement. I attended court-ordered meetings and wasn't even paying full attention to what was being said, so it was lost on me at that time.

SR alone has done it for me - it's knowing I have the company and support of people who really get what I've gone through. No one else in my life showed me the understanding & compassion that my family here has. It made all the difference. Wishing you a wonderful new life.