helluvacook

Hi everyone! I'm 32, and I have a 15 month old little boy. I have been drinking like it's my job for a few years now (except for my pregnancy). I even time the drinking just right so I can still breastfeed.

Like many of you, I seem to have no off switch. I drink until it's gone. At the peak of my drinking, I was drinking a magnum of red wine every other day. I would drink the whole thing, then feel guilty the next day and then do it all over again the following day. Then say "whyyyyy?"

Now I seem to have gained some control, or maybe it's just sheer exhaustion. I only drink about once a week now. I am still suffering from post partum depression and my doc put me on topamax a couple of weeks ago. The topamax also helps with the cravings, so that's good.

I've not really hit a bottom as they say? I've not yet quit drinking altogether. But I don't like myself when I drink. I hate myself the next day, even if I don't do anything I regret. I know it's foolish, but I wish I could just drink socially and appropriately. (Actually, I do ) It's when I get home that I continue drinking and become an idiot.

I come from a long line of alcoholics and drug addicts. I don't know why I'm so disillusioned that I am now struggling too.

Anyhoo, that's the short version. I'm glad to be here. Nice to meet y'all.

CarolD

Welcome.....

Here is a link to excerpts from the book that explained
to me why I kept drinking....despite my efforts to quit

I detested the woman I had become thru drinking.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...influence.html

I hope you too will find it helpful.

Blessings to you and your family

Anna

Hi and Welcome,

Oh yeah, I used to wish I could drink socially too, but I can't and I'm fine with that. I did the same thing you are doing - I would go out and drink 'appropriately' and then go home and continue to drink and not stop. And, wow, if you have post partum depression, alcohol being a depressant, will only make things worse.

I hope you take a look around and continue to read and post.

jamdls

Hi welcome to SR. The longer you put off stopping the tougher it will be. Your son deserves and needs 100% of you 100% of the time, of course you deserve and need time off from him but even if you are not drinking around him you are depriving him of YOU bynot being 100% after you drink too uch. I didn't start drinking until my daughter was 12 and didn't think it affected her at all, a couple of months ago I found some old journals of hers (she's now 28) that she had written in high school, and learned what an extremely depressed teenager she had been she'd never come to me with her problems because as she put it "mom has her own problems". I can't give my daughter back those years.

Judy

helluvacook

Carol, thanks for the link! That book looks like it would help alot, I just ordered it from Amazon.

Anna, yes indeed it is making things worse. But that has never stopped any other alcoholic, and I'm not special, lol.

Thank you both for the welcome and I will definitely be sticking around! I didn't drink today! Woohoo!

helluvacook

Thanks Jamdls. I know. Really I do. This is why I am here. My guilt and shame over what I have missed already is crippling. I have been seeing a doctor for my depression. I have told him about my drinking. I am aware there is a problem. I am here seeking some experience, strength and hope.

CarolD

Well......
After being diagnosed with situational depression
my doctor suggested I check out AA.

My depression started to lift rather quickly
it vanished by the end of 2 months of AA recovery....
the same time line as the end of my cravings.

The guilt and remorse took longer for me....
AA Steps 4&5 were my solution.

Soooo....here I am....years later ...having a fantastic
life of purpose and joy......

Moving forward is the way to go

helluvacook

Well then forward is the way I want to go! I don't want to feel this way anymore!