Reaching Out...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 62
Reaching Out...
I'm quite a long winded speaker, and have waited years to come out with everything I am about to say, so please bear with me. For those who take the time to read this post, I thank you in advance. 
I have known, or better yet, those around me have known I have a problem with alcohol since I was 16 and I am now 27. I am more of a binge drinker than anything else, so I find it a lot easier to trick myself into thinking I have it under control. About six months before I found myself pregnant with my first daughter, I found that people who had been drinking really turned me off, and I just quit. I then found out I was pregnant and didn't think about alcohol at all my entire pregnancy up until she was around one and a half. I had her young, so when it came time to go to college, everything my friends did outside of school revolved around drinking. I was drinking every weekend, and would black out from time to time. When I black out, I'm a miserable human being. I lie, I'm mean, I'm confrontational, and extremely condesending. When people say the cliche line of "your true self comes out when you're drunk," I cringe, because I know the person I am when I drink, is the exact opposite of who I am when I'm sober.
I had a very tulmultuous upbringing with an alcoholic Mother, and I was placed in foster care for the most part of my childhood. Growing up, I was ok with this, and was really strong about dealing with who I was and where I came from. For some reason, a couple of years ago when I was about 24/25 it really started to eat away at me and I crashed. At this point, I had been working two jobs, going to University, while raising my daughter. I worked in a bar, and as anyone knows who has worked in the service industry, it is considered "normal" to drink a ridiculous amount of alcohol all the time. While I was falling apart, I met a man that was anything I could ever dream of. He was understanding of my past and who I was and saw through all the flaws I was presenting over and over. Drunken phone calls and confrontations were, at first swept under the rug... Then they were frowned upon... Until we ultimately broke up. He still remained my friend for a long time following, but I still did not stop the drunken scenes with him. I knew I had lost him, and I was fighting so hard to get him back while essentially making it worse. Eventually, he lost his patience with me and stopped talking to me. Ever since, I have considered him to be the "boy that got away..."
In the last year, I have been able to somewhat get my **** together and have found myself in a better head space. I go through spurts where I am able to stay away from alcohol, but when I do drink -- the black outs are worse than they ever have been. I can black out after drinking only three drinks and the things I do when I am blacked out are more irratic than ever. I make scenes, I cry uncontrollably, I make out with people I don't want to... It's really out of control.
About six months ago, I started picking up contact with the guy I was discussing earlier and in this time we have had some great conversations and he has told me that he can SEE the change in me. With that said, a lot of things have happened in the last year. Last May, my Mother's husband killed himself and watching her self-destruct has been really hard. Since then, my Grandmother has died, an old foster mother, and last month, my Father died. Since my Father died, I've had a really hard time keeping it together. I can see myself getting out of control again and I really don't want to become that person I was two years ago... and I certainly don't want to push this man back out of my life! Right now, he lives in a different city for school and I often worry that I'm tricking him. I have been honest with him when I've drank, but he really isn't around to see it. He knows I'm going through a tough time, but I don't want him to view me as the train wreck he once knew -- and I feel like I'm pulling the wool over his eyes.
Since my Father died last month, I have drank a lot. I had quit drinking as a New Years Resolutions and I was so proud of how good I was doing. It took me two weeks after he died to finally go back to drinking -- and I really thought I would be able to cope without it. I have since then, drank so much that I made out with a friend's brother and she is not speaking with me... I then didn't show up to work the next day. Two weeks later (last weekend) I started drinking after my shift which ended at 6pm, and kept drinking until ten minutes before my shift at 9:30am... Needless to say, I was wasted when I went into work and my boss fired me on the spot. I decided it was best to get away, so I took off to my Mom's for the week and started to feel better... I really thought I was getting back in the head space to put things back together and sort of looked at losing my job as a god send because, I shouldn't be working in a bar. Next thing I know, I'm into my Mother's alcohol, stayed up all night drinking, and drank right on through until 3:00 in the afternoon the next day. I jumped a bus home, without saying good-bye to my Mom because I was scared she would be upset with me for drinking all her alcohol in the house. When at the bus terminal, I actually had a security guard come up to me and tell me he could smell alcohol off of me. Luckily for me, I didn't black out and was able to think clearly enough to sit on a bench and not move until my bus came... but GOSH was it ever embarassing.
These last two experiences with alcohol are new for me, and they make me REALLY not trust myself. It scares me to death because, not only am I doing things to lose my employment, which I would have never done before... I finally have a shot, again, with the man I really care about but I'm essentially leading down the same downward spiral that ended things with him in the first place.
I have never really reached out to anyone before because of being a binge drinker. I really feel I would walk into a room with other people who drank daily and they would be like "oh hunny, you're a small fry..." I actually did go to detox once and everyone kinda sloughed me off with a smile, saying "you're going to be fine..."
I'm frightened for myself OF myself and I really don't know what to do!
Sorry, I kinda just went off with my thoughts and have no idea if I constructed this post to make any sort of sense! Hopefully, if you have come this far, you can make sense of it for me!
I have known, or better yet, those around me have known I have a problem with alcohol since I was 16 and I am now 27. I am more of a binge drinker than anything else, so I find it a lot easier to trick myself into thinking I have it under control. About six months before I found myself pregnant with my first daughter, I found that people who had been drinking really turned me off, and I just quit. I then found out I was pregnant and didn't think about alcohol at all my entire pregnancy up until she was around one and a half. I had her young, so when it came time to go to college, everything my friends did outside of school revolved around drinking. I was drinking every weekend, and would black out from time to time. When I black out, I'm a miserable human being. I lie, I'm mean, I'm confrontational, and extremely condesending. When people say the cliche line of "your true self comes out when you're drunk," I cringe, because I know the person I am when I drink, is the exact opposite of who I am when I'm sober.
I had a very tulmultuous upbringing with an alcoholic Mother, and I was placed in foster care for the most part of my childhood. Growing up, I was ok with this, and was really strong about dealing with who I was and where I came from. For some reason, a couple of years ago when I was about 24/25 it really started to eat away at me and I crashed. At this point, I had been working two jobs, going to University, while raising my daughter. I worked in a bar, and as anyone knows who has worked in the service industry, it is considered "normal" to drink a ridiculous amount of alcohol all the time. While I was falling apart, I met a man that was anything I could ever dream of. He was understanding of my past and who I was and saw through all the flaws I was presenting over and over. Drunken phone calls and confrontations were, at first swept under the rug... Then they were frowned upon... Until we ultimately broke up. He still remained my friend for a long time following, but I still did not stop the drunken scenes with him. I knew I had lost him, and I was fighting so hard to get him back while essentially making it worse. Eventually, he lost his patience with me and stopped talking to me. Ever since, I have considered him to be the "boy that got away..."
In the last year, I have been able to somewhat get my **** together and have found myself in a better head space. I go through spurts where I am able to stay away from alcohol, but when I do drink -- the black outs are worse than they ever have been. I can black out after drinking only three drinks and the things I do when I am blacked out are more irratic than ever. I make scenes, I cry uncontrollably, I make out with people I don't want to... It's really out of control.
About six months ago, I started picking up contact with the guy I was discussing earlier and in this time we have had some great conversations and he has told me that he can SEE the change in me. With that said, a lot of things have happened in the last year. Last May, my Mother's husband killed himself and watching her self-destruct has been really hard. Since then, my Grandmother has died, an old foster mother, and last month, my Father died. Since my Father died, I've had a really hard time keeping it together. I can see myself getting out of control again and I really don't want to become that person I was two years ago... and I certainly don't want to push this man back out of my life! Right now, he lives in a different city for school and I often worry that I'm tricking him. I have been honest with him when I've drank, but he really isn't around to see it. He knows I'm going through a tough time, but I don't want him to view me as the train wreck he once knew -- and I feel like I'm pulling the wool over his eyes.
Since my Father died last month, I have drank a lot. I had quit drinking as a New Years Resolutions and I was so proud of how good I was doing. It took me two weeks after he died to finally go back to drinking -- and I really thought I would be able to cope without it. I have since then, drank so much that I made out with a friend's brother and she is not speaking with me... I then didn't show up to work the next day. Two weeks later (last weekend) I started drinking after my shift which ended at 6pm, and kept drinking until ten minutes before my shift at 9:30am... Needless to say, I was wasted when I went into work and my boss fired me on the spot. I decided it was best to get away, so I took off to my Mom's for the week and started to feel better... I really thought I was getting back in the head space to put things back together and sort of looked at losing my job as a god send because, I shouldn't be working in a bar. Next thing I know, I'm into my Mother's alcohol, stayed up all night drinking, and drank right on through until 3:00 in the afternoon the next day. I jumped a bus home, without saying good-bye to my Mom because I was scared she would be upset with me for drinking all her alcohol in the house. When at the bus terminal, I actually had a security guard come up to me and tell me he could smell alcohol off of me. Luckily for me, I didn't black out and was able to think clearly enough to sit on a bench and not move until my bus came... but GOSH was it ever embarassing.
These last two experiences with alcohol are new for me, and they make me REALLY not trust myself. It scares me to death because, not only am I doing things to lose my employment, which I would have never done before... I finally have a shot, again, with the man I really care about but I'm essentially leading down the same downward spiral that ended things with him in the first place.
I have never really reached out to anyone before because of being a binge drinker. I really feel I would walk into a room with other people who drank daily and they would be like "oh hunny, you're a small fry..." I actually did go to detox once and everyone kinda sloughed me off with a smile, saying "you're going to be fine..."
I'm frightened for myself OF myself and I really don't know what to do!
Sorry, I kinda just went off with my thoughts and have no idea if I constructed this post to make any sort of sense! Hopefully, if you have come this far, you can make sense of it for me!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Baghdad
Posts: 2,822
Originally Posted by SullenGirl 
I'm quite a long winded speaker, and have waited years to come out with everything I am about to say, so please bear with me. For those who take the time to read this post, I thank you in advance.
I have known, or better yet, those around me have known I have a problem with alcohol since I was 16 and I am now 27. I am more of a binge drinker than anything else, so I find it a lot easier to trick myself into thinking I have it under control. About six months before I found myself pregnant with my first daughter, I found that people who had been drinking really turned me off, and I just quit. I then found out I was pregnant and didn't think about alcohol at all my entire pregnancy up until she was around one and a half. I had her young, so when it came time to go to college, everything my friends did outside of school revolved around drinking. I was drinking every weekend, and would black out from time to time. When I black out, I'm a miserable human being. I lie, I'm mean, I'm confrontational, and extremely condesending. When people say the cliche line of "your true self comes out when you're drunk," I cringe, because I know the person I am when I drink, is the exact opposite of who I am when I'm sober.
I had a very tulmultuous upbringing with an alcoholic Mother, and I was placed in foster care for the most part of my childhood. Growing up, I was ok with this, and was really strong about dealing with who I was and where I came from. For some reason, a couple of years ago when I was about 24/25 it really started to eat away at me and I crashed. At this point, I had been working two jobs, going to University, while raising my daughter. I worked in a bar, and as anyone knows who has worked in the service industry, it is considered "normal" to drink a ridiculous amount of alcohol all the time. While I was falling apart, I met a man that was anything I could ever dream of. He was understanding of my past and who I was and saw through all the flaws I was presenting over and over. Drunken phone calls and confrontations were, at first swept under the rug... Then they were frowned upon... Until we ultimately broke up. He still remained my friend for a long time following, but I still did not stop the drunken scenes with him. I knew I had lost him, and I was fighting so hard to get him back while essentially making it worse. Eventually, he lost his patience with me and stopped talking to me. Ever since, I have considered him to be the "boy that got away..."
In the last year, I have been able to somewhat get my **** together and have found myself in a better head space. I go through spurts where I am able to stay away from alcohol, but when I do drink -- the black outs are worse than they ever have been. I can black out after drinking only three drinks and the things I do when I am blacked out are more irratic than ever. I make scenes, I cry uncontrollably, I make out with people I don't want to... It's really out of control.
About six months ago, I started picking up contact with the guy I was discussing earlier and in this time we have had some great conversations and he has told me that he can SEE the change in me. With that said, a lot of things have happened in the last year. Last May, my Mother's husband killed himself and watching her self-destruct has been really hard. Since then, my Grandmother has died, an old foster mother, and last month, my Father died. Since my Father died, I've had a really hard time keeping it together. I can see myself getting out of control again and I really don't want to become that person I was two years ago... and I certainly don't want to push this man back out of my life! Right now, he lives in a different city for school and I often worry that I'm tricking him. I have been honest with him when I've drank, but he really isn't around to see it. He knows I'm going through a tough time, but I don't want him to view me as the train wreck he once knew -- and I feel like I'm pulling the wool over his eyes.
Since my Father died last month, I have drank a lot. I had quit drinking as a New Years Resolutions and I was so proud of how good I was doing. It took me two weeks after he died to finally go back to drinking -- and I really thought I would be able to cope without it. I have since then, drank so much that I made out with a friend's brother and she is not speaking with me... I then didn't show up to work the next day. Two weeks later (last weekend) I started drinking after my shift which ended at 6pm, and kept drinking until ten minutes before my shift at 9:30am... Needless to say, I was wasted when I went into work and my boss fired me on the spot. I decided it was best to get away, so I took off to my Mom's for the week and started to feel better... I really thought I was getting back in the head space to put things back together and sort of looked at losing my job as a god send because, I shouldn't be working in a bar. Next thing I know, I'm into my Mother's alcohol, stayed up all night drinking, and drank right on through until 3:00 in the afternoon the next day. I jumped a bus home, without saying good-bye to my Mom because I was scared she would be upset with me for drinking all her alcohol in the house. When at the bus terminal, I actually had a security guard come up to me and tell me he could smell alcohol off of me. Luckily for me, I didn't black out and was able to think clearly enough to sit on a bench and not move until my bus came... but GOSH was it ever embarassing.
These last two experiences with alcohol are new for me, and they make me REALLY not trust myself. It scares me to death because, not only am I doing things to lose my employment, which I would have never done before... I finally have a shot, again, with the man I really care about but I'm essentially leading down the same downward spiral that ended things with him in the first place.
I have never really reached out to anyone before because of being a binge drinker. I really feel I would walk into a room with other people who drank daily and they would be like "oh hunny, you're a small fry..." I actually did go to detox once and everyone kinda sloughed me off with a smile, saying "you're going to be fine..."
I'm frightened for myself OF myself and I really don't know what to do!
Sorry, I kinda just went off with my thoughts and have no idea if I constructed this post to make any sort of sense! Hopefully, if you have come this far, you can make sense of it for me!
I have known, or better yet, those around me have known I have a problem with alcohol since I was 16 and I am now 27. I am more of a binge drinker than anything else, so I find it a lot easier to trick myself into thinking I have it under control. About six months before I found myself pregnant with my first daughter, I found that people who had been drinking really turned me off, and I just quit. I then found out I was pregnant and didn't think about alcohol at all my entire pregnancy up until she was around one and a half. I had her young, so when it came time to go to college, everything my friends did outside of school revolved around drinking. I was drinking every weekend, and would black out from time to time. When I black out, I'm a miserable human being. I lie, I'm mean, I'm confrontational, and extremely condesending. When people say the cliche line of "your true self comes out when you're drunk," I cringe, because I know the person I am when I drink, is the exact opposite of who I am when I'm sober.
I had a very tulmultuous upbringing with an alcoholic Mother, and I was placed in foster care for the most part of my childhood. Growing up, I was ok with this, and was really strong about dealing with who I was and where I came from. For some reason, a couple of years ago when I was about 24/25 it really started to eat away at me and I crashed. At this point, I had been working two jobs, going to University, while raising my daughter. I worked in a bar, and as anyone knows who has worked in the service industry, it is considered "normal" to drink a ridiculous amount of alcohol all the time. While I was falling apart, I met a man that was anything I could ever dream of. He was understanding of my past and who I was and saw through all the flaws I was presenting over and over. Drunken phone calls and confrontations were, at first swept under the rug... Then they were frowned upon... Until we ultimately broke up. He still remained my friend for a long time following, but I still did not stop the drunken scenes with him. I knew I had lost him, and I was fighting so hard to get him back while essentially making it worse. Eventually, he lost his patience with me and stopped talking to me. Ever since, I have considered him to be the "boy that got away..."
In the last year, I have been able to somewhat get my **** together and have found myself in a better head space. I go through spurts where I am able to stay away from alcohol, but when I do drink -- the black outs are worse than they ever have been. I can black out after drinking only three drinks and the things I do when I am blacked out are more irratic than ever. I make scenes, I cry uncontrollably, I make out with people I don't want to... It's really out of control.
About six months ago, I started picking up contact with the guy I was discussing earlier and in this time we have had some great conversations and he has told me that he can SEE the change in me. With that said, a lot of things have happened in the last year. Last May, my Mother's husband killed himself and watching her self-destruct has been really hard. Since then, my Grandmother has died, an old foster mother, and last month, my Father died. Since my Father died, I've had a really hard time keeping it together. I can see myself getting out of control again and I really don't want to become that person I was two years ago... and I certainly don't want to push this man back out of my life! Right now, he lives in a different city for school and I often worry that I'm tricking him. I have been honest with him when I've drank, but he really isn't around to see it. He knows I'm going through a tough time, but I don't want him to view me as the train wreck he once knew -- and I feel like I'm pulling the wool over his eyes.
Since my Father died last month, I have drank a lot. I had quit drinking as a New Years Resolutions and I was so proud of how good I was doing. It took me two weeks after he died to finally go back to drinking -- and I really thought I would be able to cope without it. I have since then, drank so much that I made out with a friend's brother and she is not speaking with me... I then didn't show up to work the next day. Two weeks later (last weekend) I started drinking after my shift which ended at 6pm, and kept drinking until ten minutes before my shift at 9:30am... Needless to say, I was wasted when I went into work and my boss fired me on the spot. I decided it was best to get away, so I took off to my Mom's for the week and started to feel better... I really thought I was getting back in the head space to put things back together and sort of looked at losing my job as a god send because, I shouldn't be working in a bar. Next thing I know, I'm into my Mother's alcohol, stayed up all night drinking, and drank right on through until 3:00 in the afternoon the next day. I jumped a bus home, without saying good-bye to my Mom because I was scared she would be upset with me for drinking all her alcohol in the house. When at the bus terminal, I actually had a security guard come up to me and tell me he could smell alcohol off of me. Luckily for me, I didn't black out and was able to think clearly enough to sit on a bench and not move until my bus came... but GOSH was it ever embarassing.
These last two experiences with alcohol are new for me, and they make me REALLY not trust myself. It scares me to death because, not only am I doing things to lose my employment, which I would have never done before... I finally have a shot, again, with the man I really care about but I'm essentially leading down the same downward spiral that ended things with him in the first place.
I have never really reached out to anyone before because of being a binge drinker. I really feel I would walk into a room with other people who drank daily and they would be like "oh hunny, you're a small fry..." I actually did go to detox once and everyone kinda sloughed me off with a smile, saying "you're going to be fine..."
I'm frightened for myself OF myself and I really don't know what to do!
Sorry, I kinda just went off with my thoughts and have no idea if I constructed this post to make any sort of sense! Hopefully, if you have come this far, you can make sense of it for me!
So, what do you plan on doing about all of these 'troubles'?
Keep coming back, you'll find a lot of support here.
My name is John, and I'm a grateful recovering alcoholic.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 62
Well so far, I have come up with a few ideas. I have called a local agency that helps with recovery, so I will go and check that out. I have been seeing a counsellor since the New Year started, but had been kind of sloughing her off since I started drinking again, but I really like her so I need to get back into that.
As for day to day, I am starting my summer semester soon and have the freedom to live off of my student loan while going. I think it would be wise for me to JUST do that instead of working a bunch of jobs while going to school. Take some time for me, as well as my daughter. For a sole support parent, we don't seen to cross paths a lot, a couple of hours a day. Focus on my studies and her, while allowing myself an emotional break.
Thank you for responding
As for day to day, I am starting my summer semester soon and have the freedom to live off of my student loan while going. I think it would be wise for me to JUST do that instead of working a bunch of jobs while going to school. Take some time for me, as well as my daughter. For a sole support parent, we don't seen to cross paths a lot, a couple of hours a day. Focus on my studies and her, while allowing myself an emotional break.
Thank you for responding
IO Storm
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Southern California
Posts: 18,436
Welcome, SullenGirl.
First, I am very sorry for the loss of your father.
It seems that alcohol is getting the best of you..I mean the neat person you are
in there..it does that to us. It did it to me. Black out after black out..once I
picked up a drink, it was over. Another binge..until at the end..I drank all the time.
I am a grateful recovered member of AA.
I am glad you came here to join us!
But please get help locally with your recovery, as you mentioned.
Check out our forums..read a lot.
Ask questions, and don't be shy about joining in.
Good luck!
Sher
First, I am very sorry for the loss of your father.
It seems that alcohol is getting the best of you..I mean the neat person you are
in there..it does that to us. It did it to me. Black out after black out..once I
picked up a drink, it was over. Another binge..until at the end..I drank all the time.
I am a grateful recovered member of AA.
I am glad you came here to join us!
But please get help locally with your recovery, as you mentioned.
Check out our forums..read a lot.
Ask questions, and don't be shy about joining in.
Good luck!
Sher
Member
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: massachusetts
Posts: 2,216
What comes through in your post, for me, is that you have insights and directions in mind, but are unable to bring all these "strings" together in order to move forward. I would humbly suggest finding someone (a sponsor in AA, your therapist, a relative, close friend), who can help you lay all these pieces out in front of you and help you form a plan of action. It is very frustrating for me to feel scattered and overwhelmed and I need a focus and a plan. Then I can fit all the "pieces" within it and move forward.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: edmonton, alberta
Posts: 88
Welcome Sullen!
Man, do I see a lot of myself in your story. I am a newbie here too and am finding TONS of support on this site. It is comforting to know that I am not alone in all of this turmoil. I, too, am a binger and am constantly in denial about my drinking. This is not the first time I have tried to quit drinking. The shame, guilt, blackouts.....all that stuff rings so true with me. I just recently tried a couple AA meetings - a ladies group - and have found so much support there - especially when I am feeling so alone and questioning my decision to stay sober. One thing I can say for sure is you can't do this alone.
Keep coming back and pm me if you want. We have a lot in common.
Man, do I see a lot of myself in your story. I am a newbie here too and am finding TONS of support on this site. It is comforting to know that I am not alone in all of this turmoil. I, too, am a binger and am constantly in denial about my drinking. This is not the first time I have tried to quit drinking. The shame, guilt, blackouts.....all that stuff rings so true with me. I just recently tried a couple AA meetings - a ladies group - and have found so much support there - especially when I am feeling so alone and questioning my decision to stay sober. One thing I can say for sure is you can't do this alone.
Keep coming back and pm me if you want. We have a lot in common.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Here's me. but when drinking could be found in doorways!
Posts: 1,138
Wanted to say hi and welcome you.....
I was a binge drinker too and thought the same as you that if i didn't drink every day then i didn't really have a problem or no one would take me seriously...
One thing i have learnt through SR and AA is that the amount of alcohol/drugs we consume has absolutely nothing to do with it.... its how we use these things and how they effect us that matters.
You know the main thing about here though that i like.... because its a recovery site... i rarely here people mention how much they drink... its about how they want to recover or are recovering.... so i dont feel so bad anymore that maybe i didn't drink more than most...
Someone said once here and i really liked it... its not a p*ssing compertition
Please take your time to read round, post, get to know people... they're a good bunch i think....
anyway... i was only going to say hi... got carried away with myself...
One bit of advice i'd like you to think about tho... as i said i was a binge drinker... but i starte to find that the longer i carried on drinking.... the shorter them gaps between drinks were becoming.
be well
louis
Member
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Portugal
Posts: 104
Hi and welcome!
I'm also new here and much for the same reason... In my case I had managed to reduce the frequency of the binging episodes but I don't want them at all anymore because when they happen the can be nasty. It sounds like you have a lot to lose if it keeps happening
I think if your drinking is getting to interfering with your relationships and work... and most importantly YOU think its a problem... then its time to reach out like the way you are. Glad you are here.... Keep coming to visit!
I'm also new here and much for the same reason... In my case I had managed to reduce the frequency of the binging episodes but I don't want them at all anymore because when they happen the can be nasty. It sounds like you have a lot to lose if it keeps happening
I think if your drinking is getting to interfering with your relationships and work... and most importantly YOU think its a problem... then its time to reach out like the way you are. Glad you are here.... Keep coming to visit!
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