Jane47

Hi everyone,
This is a great sight and although I'm a lurker, I really appreciate this website. It has done a lot for me. I realize that I need to tell my story now to maybe help others as other peoples stories have helped me.
I joined the class of April, thought I had things under control and could venture out there on the forum.
I'm 48, mother of five sons, have been sober for nine months, five times and a few other times not lasting longer than 2 years for the past 30 plus years.
My drinking esculated over the years, and got really bad the past two years. I went from an occasional drinker to a weekend drinker, then a middle of week drinker and eventually a daily drinker.
I drank everyday for the past two years. Started out at 4 to 6 beers a day and ended up at 10 to 12 plus beers a day.
Last fall my drinking got really bad, I had a falling out at work, went from being a manager to a co worker, took a big pay cut. By November I was shaking bad during the day.
On the 4th of January my youngest son, 16 years old, dropped me off at the county detox, I spent 3 days there. I never want to feel that way again, detox sent me home and I was still sick for nearly two weeks. It was the worst I have felt in my life.
I have a probem with my eyes being yellow. They have been yellow for over two years. When I detoxed in January it took 6 weeks for the whites of my eyes to become white.
I was so happy to have white eyes again, but here I am again, went on a 6 day bender and got yellow eyes, have been sober for past 8 days and now drank again. So stupid.
But I thank you all for being there and hope maybe my story will help someone younger think about things.

ANGELINA243

Welcome! Glad you are here.

Jane47

Thanks Angelina for being here.

ANGELINA243

Jane, you are not stupid. If you are alcoholic, it is normal to want to drink. That is what I learned in recovery. I drank for many years too and couldn't quit drinking on my own. I needed help from others. This place has helped me on my recovery journey as well as outside groups/fellowships I belong to. Since detox, have you looked into any other types of support/treatment in addition to SR? The face to face contact helped me so much in early recovery. It let me know I wasn't alone. Plus, I hope you are staying in close contact with your DR. since perhaps some liver associated symptoms have come back. You are not alone.

acehood629

Hi Jane, I agree that you are not stupid. Its this damn disease we all have in common. We can't control what it will do when we turn our backs to it for a second. I don't know how to be clean, I just try to not use or drink right now just for this moment. Thats as far as I can think into the future sometimes without feeling overwhelmed.

I believe you can do it. They say relapse is just a part of our journey in recovery. So try not to beat yourself up too much about relapsing. I have 11 days clean, and the last few times I've relapsed I learned a few more reasons why I don't want to live that way anymore. So I believe we are learning even when we do slip up.

And its great that you are reaching out for support, do you attend any AA meetings? I find them very helpful and the people very caring and supportive. I hope that you get the help and support you need. You can do it- one day at a time is all we need to do. My heart goes out to you, you are in my prayers.

aasharon90

Hi Im Sharon and Im an Alcoholic.

By the grace of my HP and people
like you here in SR I havent found
necessary to pick up a drink of
since 8-11-90.

For that and you I am truely
grateful.

I tried countless times before to
stay stopped from drinking and
just couldnt.

A family intervention sent me to
rehab for 28 days where i picked
up the tools and knowledge of my
disease of alcoholism.

I learned i was powerless over
alcohol. In fact powerless
over lots of things.

I also learned that alcohol is
cunning baffling and powerful
and can sneak up on u when
u least expect it to.

U can be in a good place, bad
place and bingo uve got a drink
in hand.

Trigger points like H. A. L. T.
Hunger, Anger, Loneliness, Tired.

R. I. D. Restless Irritable Discontent

When ur experiencing any of these
they can cause u to pick up a drink.

I learned that all alcohol is POISON
to me. Sure u see all those pretty
wrapped boxed bottles of alcohol
that catch ur eyes and yet all i see
is a SKULL and CROSS BONES on the
front.

How do I stay stopped from drinking.

I went to many many meetings
after rehab and listened to the
many before share their experiences,
strengths and hopes of what it was
like before during and after drinking
or using.

I listened and absorbed as much as
I could taking each day at a time
not drinking.

I hung on to the coattails of many
as they carried me till i was strong
enough to stand on my own.

Like a child i had to crawl in recovery
before i could walk. To not just talk
the talk of recovery but to walk it.

Admitting i was powerless over alcohol
and my life had become unmanageable
was a good first step to take.

Taking one step at a time.

Thanks for letting me share.
And welcome. Glad ur here.

CarolD

Thanks for sharing.....

This time try adding a structured recovery program
to assist you in sobriety.
I use AA but there are others too.

Here is a list for you to explore

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-programs.html

Have you talked to your docctor about your
yellow eyes? That might be wise.

Also...please check back in April's Class

Yes you too can find sobriety ...

Anna

Yes, I hope you talk to your dr, too.

It's hard to stop drinking, but you can do it. I hope you keep posting.

Amy08

Hi Jane, your story is similar to mine. Been sober since 5/1/08 after a few decades of drinking that progressed like yours to daily drinking. At the end, I was just drinking to maintain and not go into w/d. What a horrible time. Detoxing each time got progressively worse. My eyes too had that lovely shade of yellow.

This last time I went to an IOP after detoxing, if anything that kept me 'out of my own head' if that makes any sense. I had managed to isolate myself over the last few years that any attempt to remain sober before was useless. Just last fall I found an AA home group (within walking distance!) that has been my saving grace. Oh, Im in MN too!

Feel free to pm me, even if you just need to vent........Amy

nickishine

Just PLEASE don't give-up!!!! YOU are so worth living a life -- not just for your children -- but for YOU! YOU can do this..... with the help of others and God!

coffeenut

Welcome to SR. You CAN do this. Stick around!

Jane47

Thanks everyone for being there for me and for the advice. I will start over again today and figure out what I need to do different so this can finally be my last day one. I will check out the link Carol posted.
I have been going to AA speakers meetings but I think I do need to get more involved in something to make this work for me.
I probably should have went into treatment after detox but that is hard to do I have no insurance and being single I can't afford to miss work. I missed a week of work when I detoxed and the bill for detox was $900. I feel it was worth every penny, I was in bad shape. At least today I am not physically addicted so I won't have bad withdrawals, just a few sleepless nights from anxiety. I guess I can look at that as a positive thing about today.
Drinking last night got me nothing but that all too familar hangover, a wasted night and a wasted day. Like so many on here say-I need to learn to play the tape all the way to the end.
Thanks everyone!

kelsh

Hi Jane,

I could just change Jane to Kelsh & it would be my story other than I drank every day for four years. My in-patient counselor said that I was just maintaining to keep from going into withdrawal. Actually I was maintaining to keep within my very small budget.

I was medically detoxed in the local hospital...had just completed a 14 year relapse with periods of sobriety up to one or two years.

I did not have the yellow in my eyes but had a beet red face that told the whole story to anyone that knew something about alcoholism. My doc told me it would take 9 months for it to go away...and that was so...I had a dual dx with the other being depression that I self-medicated with alcohol.

I went to AA every evening for the first year and two days at noon too. I worked & had counseling for both dx's which worked for me. I wasn't dx again with my depression until 9 months after quiting alcohol...then was sent to an Emotional Health Unit for my diagnosis of Major Depression/Anxiety driven. The psychiatrist there was very good. My face was back to its ruddy color & he commented on how pretty my skin color was.

That was my first kudo from quitting drinking...I was so ashamed of my face that when I walked in public I always looked at the ground. I did get sober in 1988 and got help for my depression and still follow-up with my doc on my meds for depression.

Please keep coming back & walking to those AA Meetings...you even learn something if the meeting turns sour...it usually is different every week. I am retired and get so much help from this Forum...sharing my experience, strength, & hope and how it worked for me. :ghug2

AA Sharon...RID exactly states what happens to me a lot of days. Even if I am not depressed I can feel restless, irritable, & discontented...then my anger is more evident in my speaking & my husband & daughter catch on real soon that I need to do something...see my doc...meditate...or check to see if I have taken my meds.

Thanks both of you for your posts. They helped me a lot this morning.

kelsh

acer67

Welcome Jane!

Glad you shared and keep coming back! I'm a newbie too and have found this place to be awesome!