New on here.. my story
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 3
New on here.. my story
Well.. let me introduce myself.... my name is Paul, I am 34 and have been married just over a year. My wife is 7 months pregnant. As my name denotes I am Irish but live in Peru with my wife.
last night I went to my first ever AA meeting.. I felt completely defeated. I am due to go again today.
Truth be told I am a product of AA. My parents met there.. and I grew up with each of them going on binges ect. It was always my goal in life NEVER to be like them. I used to set rules for myself such as never going in to a bar alone ect. Living through their experiences, made me more mature and rounded, I even became a social worker, which is my profession today.
For the most part I consider myself smart and well rounded...I drink infrequently, no cravings, morning drinks ect.. but ever since I had my first drink when I was 16, it became a dangerous game of Russian Roulette. I was the centre of the party for the first few hours anyways.. and then 1 in 4 times I would just blackout.. drinking anything I couold get my hands on and doing some of the most horrendous things to family, friends, partners and myself.
I was a pure Jekyll and Hyde. The person I became when I was having one of those nights was destroying my life. I got away with it when I was younger, because that seemed to be what people expected, and I had a knack of charming my out of manys a post night out akward situation.
To be honest I am lucky to be alive. I have driven whilst absolutely wasted on mnay occasion in my younger years, I have destroyed relationships, I have been pulled out of a burning kitchen whilst having fallen asleep trying to cook while drunk. I have assaulted friends, said the most horrible things to people, I have wet more beds than I care to imagine, fallen down lfights of contrete stairs, danced naked in front of strangers, I have woke up in all sorts of weird and wonderful places. I have embarrassed my wife, friends and family.
The moment of realization came on Sunday morning when I woke up after attending a good friends wedding. My wife wouldnt speak to me, I had no idea what had happened. My last memory was my wife sending a friend to get me to go home. I have since been filled in that all hell broke lose, adn it took 4 guys to drag me out of the wedding and force me in to our car.
I suppose because I never had cravings ect.. I couldnt define myself as an alcoholic. I dont know what scares me more now, having the label Alcoholic applied to me, or not having it applied. Because if I am not an alcolholic then I must be seriously screwed up to be doing the things I have done.
I just know I need help. I am at the point where I am about to lose everything. My wife is pregnant and due in May. I only hope she isnt thinking of leaving me. We have been through this before, and she told me not to drink spirits.. sometimes that would work for awhile but I always seem to end up back in the same place. I just cant go on repeating this cycle.
How I have managed to getaway with never being seen by boses or collegues when out is a miracle. I value my profession more than anything and never want to lose that.
thanks for listening.
last night I went to my first ever AA meeting.. I felt completely defeated. I am due to go again today.
Truth be told I am a product of AA. My parents met there.. and I grew up with each of them going on binges ect. It was always my goal in life NEVER to be like them. I used to set rules for myself such as never going in to a bar alone ect. Living through their experiences, made me more mature and rounded, I even became a social worker, which is my profession today.
For the most part I consider myself smart and well rounded...I drink infrequently, no cravings, morning drinks ect.. but ever since I had my first drink when I was 16, it became a dangerous game of Russian Roulette. I was the centre of the party for the first few hours anyways.. and then 1 in 4 times I would just blackout.. drinking anything I couold get my hands on and doing some of the most horrendous things to family, friends, partners and myself.
I was a pure Jekyll and Hyde. The person I became when I was having one of those nights was destroying my life. I got away with it when I was younger, because that seemed to be what people expected, and I had a knack of charming my out of manys a post night out akward situation.
To be honest I am lucky to be alive. I have driven whilst absolutely wasted on mnay occasion in my younger years, I have destroyed relationships, I have been pulled out of a burning kitchen whilst having fallen asleep trying to cook while drunk. I have assaulted friends, said the most horrible things to people, I have wet more beds than I care to imagine, fallen down lfights of contrete stairs, danced naked in front of strangers, I have woke up in all sorts of weird and wonderful places. I have embarrassed my wife, friends and family.
The moment of realization came on Sunday morning when I woke up after attending a good friends wedding. My wife wouldnt speak to me, I had no idea what had happened. My last memory was my wife sending a friend to get me to go home. I have since been filled in that all hell broke lose, adn it took 4 guys to drag me out of the wedding and force me in to our car.
I suppose because I never had cravings ect.. I couldnt define myself as an alcoholic. I dont know what scares me more now, having the label Alcoholic applied to me, or not having it applied. Because if I am not an alcolholic then I must be seriously screwed up to be doing the things I have done.
I just know I need help. I am at the point where I am about to lose everything. My wife is pregnant and due in May. I only hope she isnt thinking of leaving me. We have been through this before, and she told me not to drink spirits.. sometimes that would work for awhile but I always seem to end up back in the same place. I just cant go on repeating this cycle.
How I have managed to getaway with never being seen by boses or collegues when out is a miracle. I value my profession more than anything and never want to lose that.
thanks for listening.
Resident
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Toronto, Ontario
Posts: 4,150
Welcome to SR. 
Like you I was also a binge drinker and it often got me into trouble.
I am getting sober with the help of my friends here at SR.
There is plenty of support here.
Take care of that little one of yours and good luck.
Like you I was also a binge drinker and it often got me into trouble.
I am getting sober with the help of my friends here at SR.
There is plenty of support here.
Take care of that little one of yours and good luck.
Living in sobriety
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 3,870
Hello Paul, and welcome to Sr, I hope you stay and post more. I am also Irish. I go to meetings and apply the 12 steps to my life. Your describtion of the alcoholic drinking gave me the shivers.... but thank you for sharing it because it fills me with gratitude that I am not there today.....I identified!!
My life today is so far removed from the person I was then. You do not have to live like that anymore. Coming here is a start. I hope you continue to attend meetings and stay honest. I hope you give yourself the chance you deserve.
To be honest I am lucky to be alive. I have driven whilst absolutely wasted on mnay occasion in my younger years, I have destroyed relationships, I have been pulled out of a burning kitchen whilst having fallen asleep trying to cook while drunk. I have assaulted friends, said the most horrible things to people, I have wet more beds than I care to imagine, fallen down lfights of contrete stairs, danced naked in front of strangers, I have woke up in all sorts of weird and wonderful places. I have embarrassed my wife, friends and family.
My life today is so far removed from the person I was then. You do not have to live like that anymore. Coming here is a start. I hope you continue to attend meetings and stay honest. I hope you give yourself the chance you deserve.
Lack 'a' power
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: Texas
Posts: 88
How I have managed to getaway with never being seen by boses or collegues when out is a miracle. I value my profession more than anything and never want to lose that.
I don't know how things ever got this far, I thought I was fine. There must be some way out of this hell that I am putting myself through. Maybe I should call AA and see where some meetings are.
Welcome home !
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,784
Welcome to a great place for support and hope. Giving up alcohol will get you a much better life for yourself than what you're living now. Take it one day at a time. Don't drink today. Repeat tomorrow. You can stay sober a day at a time. It'll be a lot more fun being a new daddy if you're sober. I wish you the best.
Check out the Alcoholism forum too. Lots of good info there, especially in the 'stickies' at the top of the page.
:ghug3
Check out the Alcoholism forum too. Lots of good info there, especially in the 'stickies' at the top of the page.
:ghug3
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 3
Thank you all for your kind words.. Nalco.. when I read your post quoting what I wrote.. I actually cried. I suppose I have become used to knowing these things about myself, but in reading it again.. I realized. What a monster I have been.
I am determined. I am worried I am scared. I am going to a meeting in an hour.
I am determined. I am worried I am scared. I am going to a meeting in an hour.
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
Glad you are here with us...
Welcome to our recovery community
I consider my solid recovery began when
I started my formal AA Steps.
Steps 4&5....allowed me to forgive myself
and move forward into my new life....
Blessings to you and your family
Welcome to our recovery community
I consider my solid recovery began when
I started my formal AA Steps.
Steps 4&5....allowed me to forgive myself
and move forward into my new life....
Blessings to you and your family
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Dallas, Tx
Posts: 2,405
Hi Paul. Congratulations for recognizing that you do indeed have a problem. I never had a craving for alcohol either, rarely drank 2 days in a row but when I did drink I became a different person, one that I ashamed of, and rarely could stop drinking until I passed out. Stop the cycle of alcoholism in your family before your child is born, and always make that child aware of his/her alcoholic heredity-I did and my daughter is now 28 and has never developed a taste nor desire for alcohol. Good luck.
Follow Directions!
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Fredericksburg, Va.
Posts: 9,730
Peruirish you are in the 2 places you need to be right now in my opinion, SR (here) & AA!
I can tell you honestly that you never have to drink again unless you choose to do so. I can really relate to your story, I can also tell you that with time most binge drinkers reach the point I did of daily drinking just to feel normal.
I found the solution to my alcoholism in AA, SR I have found to be an excellent supplement to my AA program.
I can tell you honestly that you never have to drink again unless you choose to do so. I can really relate to your story, I can also tell you that with time most binge drinkers reach the point I did of daily drinking just to feel normal.
I found the solution to my alcoholism in AA, SR I have found to be an excellent supplement to my AA program.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: london
Posts: 35
hi peru irish, welcome to SR, I wish you all the best of luck, an open mind and willingness are all you need, remember when the going gets tough ( which it does at times) dont give up or give in be strong , and remember there is help out there for you and lots of support, you are in my thoughts x
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 3
Well I have been hearing more and more about what I did at the weekend. It just gets horrendous. Some of the insults and horrific things I said to people, I will never live down. In reading all your kind comments right now... well I feel completely 100% undeserving.
Where does this horrible stuff come from? I mean I dont feel that way about the people I care most about day to day.. well at least I dont think so. I love these people in my life.
I have been to meetings everyday since, I have talked withe other people well in to their recovery. I even at times smiled during some conversations. Imagine smiling when my wife, and family here are in peices. Am I that selfish?
I talked to my wife tonight for the first time since the weekend. She just listened, cried from her soul, and said that she could never trust me again, and that this was not something she was willing to risk for her life.
I didnt beg, plead or say sorry. I just tried to explain what this program was that I am in to, and what my hopes of having a life without alcohol would be. Even in doing that I felt selfish. It just seemd to be about me me me.
I feel sick to my stomach, if I wasnt around at least that would be a striaghtforward release for her, but I am too much of a coward to even do that, at the end of the day I have another child, father, mother and brother to think of.
Where does this horrible stuff come from? I mean I dont feel that way about the people I care most about day to day.. well at least I dont think so. I love these people in my life.
I have been to meetings everyday since, I have talked withe other people well in to their recovery. I even at times smiled during some conversations. Imagine smiling when my wife, and family here are in peices. Am I that selfish?
I talked to my wife tonight for the first time since the weekend. She just listened, cried from her soul, and said that she could never trust me again, and that this was not something she was willing to risk for her life.
I didnt beg, plead or say sorry. I just tried to explain what this program was that I am in to, and what my hopes of having a life without alcohol would be. Even in doing that I felt selfish. It just seemd to be about me me me.
I feel sick to my stomach, if I wasnt around at least that would be a striaghtforward release for her, but I am too much of a coward to even do that, at the end of the day I have another child, father, mother and brother to think of.
Follow Directions!
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Fredericksburg, Va.
Posts: 9,730
Peruirish, I can tell you from experience that no amount of "I am sorry" or "I won't do it again" is going to help matters, if you are like me she has heard that before. Your actions are what matters. My wife and children were in the process of moving at the end of the month when I went into detox, when I came home I asked my wife if they were going to give me a chance to prove myself or not, she said "I do not know, we will see." I told her that I would be going to AA meetings every night and that my sobriety would be my number one priority......... she once again said "We will see."
Well I kept going to meetings, got a sponsor & with him took the steps. It took time, over a month before she finally started to act like she may be okay with me if I continued to progress. It took quite a few months before they were able to start thinking that maybe he is serious about this.
I was prepared to stay sober even if they had left, I had to be, because I knew it was all over for me if I went back to drinking.
Stay sober, get a sponsor, keep going to meetings, take the steps with your sponsor, that is not a garuntee that your wife is going to forgive you, but it sure increases the odds drastically, drinking again will not help!
Give her time, because it will take time and time takes time.
Well I kept going to meetings, got a sponsor & with him took the steps. It took time, over a month before she finally started to act like she may be okay with me if I continued to progress. It took quite a few months before they were able to start thinking that maybe he is serious about this.
I was prepared to stay sober even if they had left, I had to be, because I knew it was all over for me if I went back to drinking.
Stay sober, get a sponsor, keep going to meetings, take the steps with your sponsor, that is not a garuntee that your wife is going to forgive you, but it sure increases the odds drastically, drinking again will not help!
Give her time, because it will take time and time takes time.
Living in sobriety
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 3,870
I feel sick to my stomach, if I wasnt around at least that would be a striaghtforward release for her, but I am too much of a coward to even do that, at the end of the day I have another child, father, mother and brother to think of.
I really felt for you reading your post, my heart broke for your family.......but the truth is I was probably feeling my own feelings too. Its so good for me to hear people like you being honest, otherwise I might forget what its like!! I know its mad but we alcoholics do forget, we minimize and play it down once we start to get the family on side and feel physically better.
If I were you I would print off what you wrote in your first text and stick it in your Big BOOK, as a reminder to how bad it gets. Some day ....your past will be your greatest asset .....if you continue to attend meetings and do the suggested things..get a sponsor, start working the steps.
It really does get better if you have an honest desire to change.
Your wife needs time and it may take a long time for her to heal but that's the wreckage from your past and you need to allow her heal in her own time... regardless of what you are doing today. Just try now not to add to her pain.
I believe there is a great life for you, your wife and baby if you stay away from a drink one day at a time and work a program in your life. It really is a great life. 11 years ago I was hospitalized with suicidal tendencies, today I am loving life and watching my health so I can live as long as my higher power allows me.
You will be ok Paul,if you trust God, Clean house and help others... please keep posting. You are not alone.
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