please talk to me
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Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: CA desert
Posts: 1,599
Hi lostheart,
I don't think you're wrong, although I'm not an authority on relationships by any means. It seems that she wants her cake, and your cake too. Why can't you have fun with your family? To deny you an opportunity to spend time with your family seems self-centered, self-absorbed and just plain mean to me. Sometimes it's better to be alone than to be the object of someone else's insanity or cruelty. If she's been clean for a year and still behaves this way, I'd really wonder what the hell she's thinking, or not, as the case may be.
I don't think you're wrong, although I'm not an authority on relationships by any means. It seems that she wants her cake, and your cake too. Why can't you have fun with your family? To deny you an opportunity to spend time with your family seems self-centered, self-absorbed and just plain mean to me. Sometimes it's better to be alone than to be the object of someone else's insanity or cruelty. If she's been clean for a year and still behaves this way, I'd really wonder what the hell she's thinking, or not, as the case may be.
Never settle.
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Under immense pressure
Posts: 1,505
Originally Posted by lostheart 
she blew up at me saying that it is not right that the partner of a recovering addict be in a bar
SHE IS ALLOWED TO TALK TO HER DRUGGIE FRIENDS AND EX, AND YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO GO HAVE A NICE EVENING. :wtf2
So if it's so hard for her to stay sober if you have a drink when she has other things to do, why is it so hard for her to stay sober and talk to the users?
I'm no psychologist but I've been on both sides of relationships like this. She's totally working you, and it seems like you lack self-confidence. You think you might be wrong because you want her to stay because it is better than being alone, and you think she's the best you can do. My ex did this to me for a while, and I did it to him as well, we'd go through phases where one of us had the upper hand in some way. I'm telling you: methies are just about the most manipulative people you will ever find. We're not nice people, we feel no remorse for our actions. It's all about us and our next fix. Meth sucks your soul out until you have nothing left, no conscience, no morals.
She's not recovering. She's using recovery as a tool to have someone else take responsibility for her while she does as she pleases, and remains in the revolving door. Inside the building is the prison of drug abuse. Outside is freedom. And she has not decided she wants to step outside. By staying in contact with the users she is keeping her options open.
Just my opinion.
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Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: mtn home arkansas
Posts: 39
OMG!!!
You are so right, i have put over 1800 into her car since she has been here and bought new clothes for her. She can just up and leave b/c she doesn't like me going against her ideas. Its that easy for her to walk out on me. I am not afraid of being alone and i have plenty of options with both sexes, thats not an issue either. So why do i allow her to manipulate me like this? I work my ass off all week and pay the bills, got her a new phone, car insurance and AAA as well. She gets bored easily and gets mad at me when i come home from work and want to lounge and not run around. So she gets on her phone and starts texting and gets lost in those conversations.
She has been with me for a month now and just went to her first na meeting last night. She wants us to go to couples meetings. She thinks that i don't understand or grasp what it means to be sober for an addict, she is somewhat right. I have never walked in her shoes but i have been pretty close considering those shoes ran over me on several occasions in the past.
Just thoughts running through my head.
You are so right, i have put over 1800 into her car since she has been here and bought new clothes for her. She can just up and leave b/c she doesn't like me going against her ideas. Its that easy for her to walk out on me. I am not afraid of being alone and i have plenty of options with both sexes, thats not an issue either. So why do i allow her to manipulate me like this? I work my ass off all week and pay the bills, got her a new phone, car insurance and AAA as well. She gets bored easily and gets mad at me when i come home from work and want to lounge and not run around. So she gets on her phone and starts texting and gets lost in those conversations.
She has been with me for a month now and just went to her first na meeting last night. She wants us to go to couples meetings. She thinks that i don't understand or grasp what it means to be sober for an addict, she is somewhat right. I have never walked in her shoes but i have been pretty close considering those shoes ran over me on several occasions in the past.
Just thoughts running through my head.
Never settle.
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Under immense pressure
Posts: 1,505
I'm glad you know you have other options. Just seeing what you have posted I took a guess you are a lot like I was, feeling sort of powerless in the situation.
IMHO those conversations aren't "boredom." It's manipulation. She's contacting those people and letting you know about it so you realize she has other options. It's a veiled threat, i.e. "I can always go back to my ex if you don't comply." She would NEVER issue an ultimatum though because it has to be your choice. If she told you "Do this or I'm gone," she knows you'd probably help her wrap her stuff in bubble paper and send her down the road, so she implies it through actions instead and lets you make the decision.
Originally Posted by lostheart
She gets bored easily and gets mad at me when i come home from work and want to lounge and not run around. So she gets on her phone and starts texting and gets lost in those conversations.
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Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: mtn home arkansas
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Hi guys,
hope you all a great weekend. Well i did not go out with my mom instead i went with her. long story short.....we had her weekend, she has one phone now but all contacts in it and i will go out with my mom in two weeks when they go out again.
how is everyone doing?
hope you all a great weekend. Well i did not go out with my mom instead i went with her. long story short.....we had her weekend, she has one phone now but all contacts in it and i will go out with my mom in two weeks when they go out again.
how is everyone doing?
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Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Dayton, OH.
Posts: 879
I've learned one very important thing, so far, and that is, with addicts, nothing is normal. We're not normal. Our abnormality IS the norm.
So, after writing that, I am going to give my opinion in that, after a year, she is either not really clean or she's not working a rounded program of recovery and it's only a matter of time before she does relapse. A job is a good start. Hell, I only work 10 hours a week, but I space it over 4 nights and it makes enough money for a little bit of food and keeping some gas in my tank. Since I don't have 2 months clean, yet, and tend to try to buck the system myself (not going to meetings, not working my steps, etc.), I just cannot trust myself with much money. Now come May, new contracts will be handed out and I am thinking I might be ready. After all, May 4th would be my 90 days, and I might be ready. I know my first 3 tries at staying clean, I still lied, I still used (it was free, so I'd justify it by saying "at least I didn't pay for it"), or I substituted.
Asking her to help around the house is not unreasonable. There is a point of asking too much, but maybe you two can sit down and work something out. Maybe ask her to try one thing. Say running the vacuum once a week. Or sweeping every other day. Something small and easy to do. I take out the trash, do my laundry, do my Mom's laundry, and do the dishes. I also vacuum, sweep, and mop as needed and my job is being a cleaning lady. LOL. So it might just be easier for me, I don't know.
BUT SHE NEEDS TO GET AWAY from the old friends. Especially if they still use. If they got clean, then maybe.. But still. I don't think it's the best idea. Talking to them, in any form, is just not healthy. I know if I go down, by myself, to the lady who bought one of my cars (and I need to give her the title), I'd be sorely tempted to use and probably would. I won't go by myself. In fact, I just might have my best friend (who doesn't use anything) deliver the title for me or mail it to her. I'd rather not risk the relapse..
Be open with your partner. Maybe try one of the groups suggested. I can only write from an addict's POV. But I hope you find some valuable information here either way!
Welcome to SR, by the way. I am pretty new myself. I am 56 days clean now. No cheating or substituting. While I don't expect a pat on the back, I am damned proud of myself and that is really what counts.
So, after writing that, I am going to give my opinion in that, after a year, she is either not really clean or she's not working a rounded program of recovery and it's only a matter of time before she does relapse. A job is a good start. Hell, I only work 10 hours a week, but I space it over 4 nights and it makes enough money for a little bit of food and keeping some gas in my tank. Since I don't have 2 months clean, yet, and tend to try to buck the system myself (not going to meetings, not working my steps, etc.), I just cannot trust myself with much money. Now come May, new contracts will be handed out and I am thinking I might be ready. After all, May 4th would be my 90 days, and I might be ready. I know my first 3 tries at staying clean, I still lied, I still used (it was free, so I'd justify it by saying "at least I didn't pay for it"), or I substituted.
Asking her to help around the house is not unreasonable. There is a point of asking too much, but maybe you two can sit down and work something out. Maybe ask her to try one thing. Say running the vacuum once a week. Or sweeping every other day. Something small and easy to do. I take out the trash, do my laundry, do my Mom's laundry, and do the dishes. I also vacuum, sweep, and mop as needed and my job is being a cleaning lady. LOL. So it might just be easier for me, I don't know.
BUT SHE NEEDS TO GET AWAY from the old friends. Especially if they still use. If they got clean, then maybe.. But still. I don't think it's the best idea. Talking to them, in any form, is just not healthy. I know if I go down, by myself, to the lady who bought one of my cars (and I need to give her the title), I'd be sorely tempted to use and probably would. I won't go by myself. In fact, I just might have my best friend (who doesn't use anything) deliver the title for me or mail it to her. I'd rather not risk the relapse..
Be open with your partner. Maybe try one of the groups suggested. I can only write from an addict's POV. But I hope you find some valuable information here either way!
Welcome to SR, by the way. I am pretty new myself. I am 56 days clean now. No cheating or substituting. While I don't expect a pat on the back, I am damned proud of myself and that is really what counts.
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Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: mtn home arkansas
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well i did it! i cut my help for her. I took her off of my bank account and had her open her own. taking her off my auto pay for her ins and having the statement mailed to her. Giving her the internet bill (but will make sure its paid) and also 150 for her share of rent and utilities. Am i taking the right steps to see if she can follow through with growing up, I hope?
Of course her reply was this is b/c we have been fighting isn't it? I told her that i felt it was time that she took on some responsibilities of her own b/c she went from her mom taking care of everything to me doing it. She needed to get that feeling of independence and self worth that the rest of us have.
Of course her reply was this is b/c we have been fighting isn't it? I told her that i felt it was time that she took on some responsibilities of her own b/c she went from her mom taking care of everything to me doing it. She needed to get that feeling of independence and self worth that the rest of us have.
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,784
I agree. SHe needs to learn responsibility for herself. And helping around the house is the easiest way to give her responsibility. You will do her no favors by enabling her. She's got to grow up sooner or later, and, better sooner.
:ghug3 Remember, 'tough love' is still love.
:ghug3 Remember, 'tough love' is still love.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Dayton, OH.
Posts: 879
Originally Posted by lostheart
well i did it! i cut my help for her. I took her off of my bank account and had her open her own. taking her off my auto pay for her ins and having the statement mailed to her. Giving her the internet bill (but will make sure its paid) and also 150 for her share of rent and utilities. Am i taking the right steps to see if she can follow through with growing up, I hope?
Of course her reply was this is b/c we have been fighting isn't it? I told her that i felt it was time that she took on some responsibilities of her own b/c she went from her mom taking care of everything to me doing it. She needed to get that feeling of independence and self worth that the rest of us have.
Of course her reply was this is b/c we have been fighting isn't it? I told her that i felt it was time that she took on some responsibilities of her own b/c she went from her mom taking care of everything to me doing it. She needed to get that feeling of independence and self worth that the rest of us have.
But anyway, I think it's a step in the right direction. I look forward to being able to do those things again someday! Being able to trust myself and handle stress without smoking dope!
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sounds like you are on the right track and have the right frame of mind going into it. You know that you have your limitations and are smart enough not to step past them. You go!!!!! Thank you for talking to me about this and if you have any questions for me i would love to help. I am not a recovering addict of any kind. i have never smoked a cig let alone done drugs but i am great with the grown up choices where monetary issues are concerned and work ethics are involved.
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Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: mtn home arkansas
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I am so frustrated and not sure what to think. I thought that the selfishness that she showed in the past was b/c of the drugs but i am seeing that it may just be her personality.
I have had to deal with her ex's and drug friends having her number and calling and texting when they want. I have to tell my mom that i can't go out with her when she is home b/c that makes her feel uncomfortable and i understand that.
This is what is making me upset...i have recently been contacted by my high shcool sweetheart by email from classmates.com. While she was working last night from 5 to mid i decided to get online and see if my friend that i chat with sometimes was on. While on there he signed in and asked if i was there so i said yes and we caught up on old times.
It was nice to laugh and go over the silly things that we as teen-agers done. She said that talking to him did not make her mad b/c i did tell her what i was doing. She said that i stayed up til 11pm talking to him but could barely make it to 10 through the week. Excuse me but i am 37 yrs old and if i want to visit with a friend for an hour longer than my normal bed time then so what. She said that he must be more interesting than her. I told her it is different to be talking with someone at the computer than laying on the couch getting comfy in front of the tv when i am tired from working all day/week.
It didn't matter what i said nothing was right. I am constantly having to stroke her ego. I told her that if she was going to her moms this friday then i was going to go out with my parents. Again, i got the lecture on how i can be so tired through the week but ready to go out on Friday night. I have not been out in forever and she is making it sound like i go out every weekend.
What is she doing?
I have had to deal with her ex's and drug friends having her number and calling and texting when they want. I have to tell my mom that i can't go out with her when she is home b/c that makes her feel uncomfortable and i understand that.
This is what is making me upset...i have recently been contacted by my high shcool sweetheart by email from classmates.com. While she was working last night from 5 to mid i decided to get online and see if my friend that i chat with sometimes was on. While on there he signed in and asked if i was there so i said yes and we caught up on old times.
It was nice to laugh and go over the silly things that we as teen-agers done. She said that talking to him did not make her mad b/c i did tell her what i was doing. She said that i stayed up til 11pm talking to him but could barely make it to 10 through the week. Excuse me but i am 37 yrs old and if i want to visit with a friend for an hour longer than my normal bed time then so what. She said that he must be more interesting than her. I told her it is different to be talking with someone at the computer than laying on the couch getting comfy in front of the tv when i am tired from working all day/week.
It didn't matter what i said nothing was right. I am constantly having to stroke her ego. I told her that if she was going to her moms this friday then i was going to go out with my parents. Again, i got the lecture on how i can be so tired through the week but ready to go out on Friday night. I have not been out in forever and she is making it sound like i go out every weekend.
What is she doing?
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Join Date: Mar 2009
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well update.......
still have not gone out with mom, but have had several arguements over it like i did though. She says that i should be her sponsor and her sober partner at all times.
She keeps bringing up the subject, waiting for me to say you are right i love you and i will never have another drink in or out of your prescence. I only wanted one night every once in a great while to go dance and laugh. That was my time and now i have been asked to quit or she leaves me.
Am i actually suppose to be her sponsor?
still have not gone out with mom, but have had several arguements over it like i did though. She says that i should be her sponsor and her sober partner at all times.
She keeps bringing up the subject, waiting for me to say you are right i love you and i will never have another drink in or out of your prescence. I only wanted one night every once in a great while to go dance and laugh. That was my time and now i have been asked to quit or she leaves me.
Am i actually suppose to be her sponsor?
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Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Dayton, OH.
Posts: 879
Hi Lostheart, have you tried going to Al-Anon meetings? Or other support groups for friends/family of loved ones with addiction? If you can find a meeting, I bet you could find a lot of support through them and get a lot of information and ideas on what to do with your girlfriend.
But personally, from my perspective, and in my opinion, you should NOT be her sponsor. You have not been through the hells of addiction. You wouldn't even know what to do. You know? I am not trying to be mean or offensive, but in order for you to be a sponsor, you would have had to work the steps, been clean/sober for some time (usually over a year), and know what addicts go through. It would be difficult to be a sponsor and guide her through recovery when you haven't been there. And it is unfair of her to ask you to be. If she doesn't have a sponsor, she needs to go to meetings and get one.
As far as you going on, from time to time, do it. If she doesn't like it, tell her tough. She can't control you any more than you can control her. And, again, it's unfair of her to ask you to not go out and party, with friends or family, on occasion. You are not the one with the addiction. And you're not trying to rub it in her face, but you should be allowed to let yourself loose and enjoy other people's company. You cannot have a relationship with someone and end all ties to your other friends/family. That harbors resentments.
She needs to get online or go to meetings, or see a professional about those problems. It sounds as if she still has some problems to work through.
I could sense my boyfriend wanted to do similar things. Mostly, he wanted to be able to keep beer in his house again. I never had a problem with alcohol to begin with, but my sponsor had suggested I stay away from drugs off all kinds in order not to complete that "circle" and end up smoking crack again (every substitute I used always brought me back to crack. Pills, pot, alcohol). My boyfriend had told me he wouldn't drink either, just to be fair, but I always felt I was punishing him for a crime he didn't commit, and that wasn't very fair. So when I got that sense, I told him to get some. I wouldn't drink it. I had no desire to. And he had two the other night, with our pizza for dinner. I was perfectly fine with my coke (in liquid form now, LOL) and we enjoyed the pizza and TV. We love watching the Simpsons. Never once did his beer bother me, but then again, I am not an alcoholic. Since your SO is, I don't recommend drinking in front of her, for now. Especially since she's having problems dealing with unspoken problems. But going out to drink, that should be totally up to you. And you shouldn't have to answer for it.
I am glad she is not using, she is clean and sober. But she needs to start working on the things that are bothering her and not take it out on you. :praying
But personally, from my perspective, and in my opinion, you should NOT be her sponsor. You have not been through the hells of addiction. You wouldn't even know what to do. You know? I am not trying to be mean or offensive, but in order for you to be a sponsor, you would have had to work the steps, been clean/sober for some time (usually over a year), and know what addicts go through. It would be difficult to be a sponsor and guide her through recovery when you haven't been there. And it is unfair of her to ask you to be. If she doesn't have a sponsor, she needs to go to meetings and get one.
As far as you going on, from time to time, do it. If she doesn't like it, tell her tough. She can't control you any more than you can control her. And, again, it's unfair of her to ask you to not go out and party, with friends or family, on occasion. You are not the one with the addiction. And you're not trying to rub it in her face, but you should be allowed to let yourself loose and enjoy other people's company. You cannot have a relationship with someone and end all ties to your other friends/family. That harbors resentments.
She needs to get online or go to meetings, or see a professional about those problems. It sounds as if she still has some problems to work through.
I could sense my boyfriend wanted to do similar things. Mostly, he wanted to be able to keep beer in his house again. I never had a problem with alcohol to begin with, but my sponsor had suggested I stay away from drugs off all kinds in order not to complete that "circle" and end up smoking crack again (every substitute I used always brought me back to crack. Pills, pot, alcohol). My boyfriend had told me he wouldn't drink either, just to be fair, but I always felt I was punishing him for a crime he didn't commit, and that wasn't very fair. So when I got that sense, I told him to get some. I wouldn't drink it. I had no desire to. And he had two the other night, with our pizza for dinner. I was perfectly fine with my coke (in liquid form now, LOL) and we enjoyed the pizza and TV. We love watching the Simpsons. Never once did his beer bother me, but then again, I am not an alcoholic. Since your SO is, I don't recommend drinking in front of her, for now. Especially since she's having problems dealing with unspoken problems. But going out to drink, that should be totally up to you. And you shouldn't have to answer for it.
I am glad she is not using, she is clean and sober. But she needs to start working on the things that are bothering her and not take it out on you. :praying
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Location: Fredericksburg, Va.
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As crackquack suggested I will to, go to Alanon or the NA equivelant of it. In regards to being her sponsor, just tell her NO!!! End of discusion! I will totally concur with all of the reasons that crackquack gave.
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Thank you so much,
This is all starting to affect my job as well as home life again. I am sitting here in my office in tears reading your advice and i know in my heart what i have to do. My life is my own and cannot be controled by her anymore. I do nothing wrong, i am a single mom of a teen boy and work 40hours week to make sure all bills are paid and my son is taken care of. My daughter is married but getting ready to visit for a couple of months b/c her husband is in the marines...school. She is 33 and holding down a pt job of 13hrs and not working on getting any more any other place. She keeps saying that she is getting big but won't do anything about it. She gets upset if i mention her weight in any context..and i have not been hateful about it all. I asked her how much she has lost and she said that her weight is her concern and everyone else needs to mind their own business including me. I have nothing against larger people but i am not physically attracted to lg size. I want her to be healthy not obese. She is 5'5" and 185lbs and i am 5'5" and 101lbs.
You know while we were fighting last night she made it clear that it wasn't the alcohol that she was wanting to end her feelings of tension and anxiety it was the meth. She described to the tee what she would like to do from jabbing the needle in to the feeling of overwhelming relief.
This is all starting to affect my job as well as home life again. I am sitting here in my office in tears reading your advice and i know in my heart what i have to do. My life is my own and cannot be controled by her anymore. I do nothing wrong, i am a single mom of a teen boy and work 40hours week to make sure all bills are paid and my son is taken care of. My daughter is married but getting ready to visit for a couple of months b/c her husband is in the marines...school. She is 33 and holding down a pt job of 13hrs and not working on getting any more any other place. She keeps saying that she is getting big but won't do anything about it. She gets upset if i mention her weight in any context..and i have not been hateful about it all. I asked her how much she has lost and she said that her weight is her concern and everyone else needs to mind their own business including me. I have nothing against larger people but i am not physically attracted to lg size. I want her to be healthy not obese. She is 5'5" and 185lbs and i am 5'5" and 101lbs.
You know while we were fighting last night she made it clear that it wasn't the alcohol that she was wanting to end her feelings of tension and anxiety it was the meth. She described to the tee what she would like to do from jabbing the needle in to the feeling of overwhelming relief.
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