Am I Really Sober??
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2007
Location: It's a Dry Heat, AZ.
Posts: 438
Am I Really Sober??
Sometimes I wake up feeling like I've been drinkin' the night before. I look around for evidence, but to my relief, there aren't any bottle caps, broken items, and I'm in the same bed I recognize as being my own. Although, I sure feel like a newcomer when I walk back into my home group after a few days without meetings.
I often wonder though...Am I really sober? For this long? (6 years & 4 months). I still have drinking and using dreams. Those can be kinda scary. Funny at the same time, too. I don't have the obsession to drink, but I think about it still. The long-term withdrawal symptoms flare up pretty bad on ocassion. Lately, I feel like I'm coming apart at the seams. Backwards, forwards, & upside down at 1000 MPH. My thinking isn't too clear. I'm still pushing onward, regardless.
Just ONE won't hurt. I can control it. NOBODY HAS TO KNOW. Stop! That's the downward spiral that can cause us to relapse. One drink is too many & 1000 is never enough.
I drank heavily for over 15 years. I'm sorry I was dreadfully late to my very first meeting.
Are you really sober? Do questions like this pop into your mind? It's a miracle I'm still even breathing.
You're a miracle too.
:ghug3
I often wonder though...Am I really sober? For this long? (6 years & 4 months). I still have drinking and using dreams. Those can be kinda scary. Funny at the same time, too. I don't have the obsession to drink, but I think about it still. The long-term withdrawal symptoms flare up pretty bad on ocassion. Lately, I feel like I'm coming apart at the seams. Backwards, forwards, & upside down at 1000 MPH. My thinking isn't too clear. I'm still pushing onward, regardless.
Just ONE won't hurt. I can control it. NOBODY HAS TO KNOW. Stop! That's the downward spiral that can cause us to relapse. One drink is too many & 1000 is never enough.
I drank heavily for over 15 years. I'm sorry I was dreadfully late to my very first meeting.
Are you really sober? Do questions like this pop into your mind? It's a miracle I'm still even breathing.
You're a miracle too.
:ghug3
Karma Amputee
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Among The Living
Posts: 769
From where I was at in my life 6 months, a years ago...ya I'm sober. Definitely.
Am I totally recovered from all the painful things in my life that caused me to be constantly intoxicated in the first place?
Not yet, but at least now I'm working on it.
Hang in there.
I've had a few weird using dreams myself and woke up feeling kinda guilty, kinda off...
Just a dream tho!!
Am I totally recovered from all the painful things in my life that caused me to be constantly intoxicated in the first place?
Not yet, but at least now I'm working on it.
Hang in there.
I've had a few weird using dreams myself and woke up feeling kinda guilty, kinda off...
Just a dream tho!!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2007
Location: It's a Dry Heat, AZ.
Posts: 438
Originally Posted by getr345 
Am I totally recovered from all the painful things in my life that caused me to be constantly intoxicated in the first place?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2007
Location: It's a Dry Heat, AZ.
Posts: 438
The lyrics from Metallica's Master of Puppets really hits home:
End of passion play, crumbling away
I'm your source of self-destruction
Veins that pump with fear, sucking darkest clear
Leading on your deaths construction
Taste me you will see
More is all you need
You're dedicated to
How I'm killing you
Come crawling faster
Obey your Master
Your life burns faster
Obey your Master
Master
Master of Puppets I'm pulling your strings
Twisting your mind, smashing your dreams
Blinded by me, you can't see a thing
Just call my name, 'cause I'll hear you scream
Master
Master
Just call my name, 'cause I'll hear you scream
Master
Master
Needle work the way, never you betray
Life of death becoming clearer
Pain monopoly, ritual misery
Chop your breakfast on a mirror
Taste me you will see
More is all you need
You're dedicated to
How I'm killing you
Come crawling faster
Obey your Master
Your life burns faster
Obey your Master
Master
Master of Puppets I'm pulling your strings
Twisting your mind, smashing your dreams
Blinded by me, you can't see a thing
Just call my name, 'cause I'll hear you scream
Master
Master
Just call my name, 'cause I'll hear you scream
Master
Master
Master, Master, where's the dreams that I've been after?
Master, Master, you promised only lies
Laughter, laughter, all I hear or see is laughter
Laughter, laughter, laughing at my cries
Face to me!
Hell is worth all that, natural habitat
Just a rhyme without a reason
Neverending maze, Drift on numbered days
Now your life is out of season
I will occupy
I will help you die
I will run through you
Now I rule you too
Come crawling faster
Obey your Master
Your life burns faster
Obey your Master
Master
Master of Puppets I'm pulling your strings
Twisting your mind, smashing your dreams
Blinded by me, you can't see a thing
Just call my name, 'cause I'll hear you scream
Master
Master
Just call my name, 'cause I'll hear you scream
Master
Master
------------------------------------------------
End of passion play, crumbling away
I'm your source of self-destruction
Veins that pump with fear, sucking darkest clear
Leading on your deaths construction
Taste me you will see
More is all you need
You're dedicated to
How I'm killing you
Come crawling faster
Obey your Master
Your life burns faster
Obey your Master
Master
Master of Puppets I'm pulling your strings
Twisting your mind, smashing your dreams
Blinded by me, you can't see a thing
Just call my name, 'cause I'll hear you scream
Master
Master
Just call my name, 'cause I'll hear you scream
Master
Master
Needle work the way, never you betray
Life of death becoming clearer
Pain monopoly, ritual misery
Chop your breakfast on a mirror
Taste me you will see
More is all you need
You're dedicated to
How I'm killing you
Come crawling faster
Obey your Master
Your life burns faster
Obey your Master
Master
Master of Puppets I'm pulling your strings
Twisting your mind, smashing your dreams
Blinded by me, you can't see a thing
Just call my name, 'cause I'll hear you scream
Master
Master
Just call my name, 'cause I'll hear you scream
Master
Master
Master, Master, where's the dreams that I've been after?
Master, Master, you promised only lies
Laughter, laughter, all I hear or see is laughter
Laughter, laughter, laughing at my cries
Face to me!
Hell is worth all that, natural habitat
Just a rhyme without a reason
Neverending maze, Drift on numbered days
Now your life is out of season
I will occupy
I will help you die
I will run through you
Now I rule you too
Come crawling faster
Obey your Master
Your life burns faster
Obey your Master
Master
Master of Puppets I'm pulling your strings
Twisting your mind, smashing your dreams
Blinded by me, you can't see a thing
Just call my name, 'cause I'll hear you scream
Master
Master
Just call my name, 'cause I'll hear you scream
Master
Master
------------------------------------------------
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2007
Location: It's a Dry Heat, AZ.
Posts: 438
I just listened to a few clips from Death Magnetic. Awesome! Sounds like they picked up where the "black" album left off. I didn't care for the Saint Anger metallic "boing" snare thing.
Even though I was heavily into Metallica in the late 80's and early 90's, I didn't even realize the depth of the lyrics. I had no intention of ever being sober.
Even though I was heavily into Metallica in the late 80's and early 90's, I didn't even realize the depth of the lyrics. I had no intention of ever being sober.
Karma Amputee
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Among The Living
Posts: 769
Glad you dig it...
It's a great record and many of the lyrics deal with addiction and recovery.
I think it's wonderful, and like I said it really changed my life.
And I'm as old school Metallica as they come, got involved in 1984, and even saw Cliff alive on stage in 1986.
It's a great record and many of the lyrics deal with addiction and recovery.
I think it's wonderful, and like I said it really changed my life.
And I'm as old school Metallica as they come, got involved in 1984, and even saw Cliff alive on stage in 1986.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2007
Location: It's a Dry Heat, AZ.
Posts: 438
I consider myself still recovering. We can never be 100% cured. It's a daily reprieve that depends on one's spiritual condition. The physical addiction & allergy feeds the spiritual disease, which leads to the phenomenon of craving. Once I put alcohol in my body, there's no telling what's going to happen.
I have recovered greatly--compared to what I was like.
Garbage IN, Garbage OUT. If I don't put alcohol in my body, then I'll be reasonably OK.
I have recovered greatly--compared to what I was like.
Garbage IN, Garbage OUT. If I don't put alcohol in my body, then I'll be reasonably OK.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Baton Rouge, La.
Posts: 15,238
As you know, we have no control
over our dreams. So if i were to
have a drinking dream, id be grateful
that it was only a dream and that
it is a constant reminder of what
it was like when i was drinking.
However Im grateful that all my alcohol
dreams are of recovery....Me confronted
with a drink or around alcohol and my
program come plowing thru. To have
the strength to say no and that I
am an alcoholic.
I wake up with much graditude that
im working my program in and out
my dreams to the best of my ability.
Im glad ur still on the path Midas.
Have fun in recovery. Smile. Crack
a joke from time to time....
over our dreams. So if i were to
have a drinking dream, id be grateful
that it was only a dream and that
it is a constant reminder of what
it was like when i was drinking.
However Im grateful that all my alcohol
dreams are of recovery....Me confronted
with a drink or around alcohol and my
program come plowing thru. To have
the strength to say no and that I
am an alcoholic.
I wake up with much graditude that
im working my program in and out
my dreams to the best of my ability.
Im glad ur still on the path Midas.
Have fun in recovery. Smile. Crack
a joke from time to time....
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Dallas, Tx
Posts: 2,405
In my first year of sobriety I would have those drinking dreams and they scared the heck out of me! It's been at least 6 months since I had one. I'm still on cloud 9 when it comes to my sobriety just like I was in the first month so yes I am really sober. I do, however, wonder at times if I'm really alive or if I'm just imagining all this, my final drunk was occompanied by an overdose and there is no medical reason why I woke up and survived so yeah at times I think I'm imagining all this including SR.
J
J
learning
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Where I need to be
Posts: 310
A sober friend of mine used to always remind me that Recovery is a journey and to never lose sight of that. She said every once in awhile ask yourself 2 questions:
1. Have you been drinking?
2. Are you happy about it?
If the answer to either is no, then you have some work to do. If the answer to both is yes and you are still unhappy, that is called life and you will deal with it better since you are sober.
There are many times that statement is exactly what I need to hear and others where it just pisses me off.
1. Have you been drinking?
2. Are you happy about it?
If the answer to either is no, then you have some work to do. If the answer to both is yes and you are still unhappy, that is called life and you will deal with it better since you are sober.
There are many times that statement is exactly what I need to hear and others where it just pisses me off.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2007
Location: It's a Dry Heat, AZ.
Posts: 438
Am I happy about not drinking? Reasonably. I'm not ebulliently joyous, but I have shining moments of glee.
My whole life seems inside-out right now. I almost want to go back to drinking, just because it was more comfortable. My comfort level is at an all-time LOW. I'm not happy with where I'm at in life. I think about suicide often. It's not healthy. Self-termination is not the answer, and I know that. Just think of the problems afterwards... I don't even want to go there.
Is it worth losing everything I've gained in sobriety? No. As it stands, I'm about to lose everything I have. I'm scared. I want someone to save me, and I know that's not going to happen. I'm more alone now, than I've ever been in my entire life.
My whole life seems inside-out right now. I almost want to go back to drinking, just because it was more comfortable. My comfort level is at an all-time LOW. I'm not happy with where I'm at in life. I think about suicide often. It's not healthy. Self-termination is not the answer, and I know that. Just think of the problems afterwards... I don't even want to go there.
Is it worth losing everything I've gained in sobriety? No. As it stands, I'm about to lose everything I have. I'm scared. I want someone to save me, and I know that's not going to happen. I'm more alone now, than I've ever been in my entire life.
where the light is
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 2,763
What about going through the steps again?
I am 15 months sober and have been through the steps twice. The first time was more fear-based - "I have to do this or I will drink again." The second time was more about learning, spiritual growth - a much more simple, "by the book" approach.
I can only speak for myself but my life was NOT comfortable when I was drinking - it was a living HELL. I have my tough days in sobriety but it is a far cry from the old days.
Take it easy on yourself! I don't know what you mean by "I'm about to lose everything I have" but it can't be worth drinking over. It sounds like you are being way to introspective and critical of yourself. I really think you should reach out for help - other AA members, counseling - to get a better perspective on things.
You know, for me it has been a process to develop that feeling of "fellowship" within AA. Today, I know that people do care about me and I usually have someone to go for a coffee with. I'm also very comfortable being alone (I travel for work). I do know that alone feeling your talking about and I also know that it really doesn't have to be that way.
Take care.
Don
I am 15 months sober and have been through the steps twice. The first time was more fear-based - "I have to do this or I will drink again." The second time was more about learning, spiritual growth - a much more simple, "by the book" approach.
I almost want to go back to drinking, just because it was more comfortable.
My comfort level is at an all-time LOW. I'm not happy with where I'm at in life. I think about suicide often. It's not healthy. Self-termination is not the answer, and I know that. Just think of the problems afterwards... I don't even want to go there.
Is it worth losing everything I've gained in sobriety? No. As it stands, I'm about to lose everything I have. I'm scared. I want someone to save me, and I know that's not going to happen. I'm more alone now, than I've ever been in my entire life.
Is it worth losing everything I've gained in sobriety? No. As it stands, I'm about to lose everything I have. I'm scared. I want someone to save me, and I know that's not going to happen. I'm more alone now, than I've ever been in my entire life.
You know, for me it has been a process to develop that feeling of "fellowship" within AA. Today, I know that people do care about me and I usually have someone to go for a coffee with. I'm also very comfortable being alone (I travel for work). I do know that alone feeling your talking about and I also know that it really doesn't have to be that way.
Take care.
Don
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: I'll let you know when I figure it out
Posts: 92
If you have suicidal ideations it's best to get them off your chest. Just please get help if the thoughts are uncontrollable. Like you said self-termination is not the answer,and in my beliefs gives you a one way ticket to hell(You're throwing gods gift of life back in it's face.) I was suicidal at one time in my life that I actually tried unsuccessfully and was committed.(no fun there) So I can feel your pain.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Arizona
Posts: 49
Originally Posted by Midas
Am I happy about not drinking? Reasonably. I'm not ebulliently joyous, but I have shining moments of glee.
Is it worth losing everything I've gained in sobriety? No. As it stands, I'm about to lose everything I have. I'm scared. I want someone to save me, and I know that's not going to happen. I'm more alone now, than I've ever been in my entire life.
Is it worth losing everything I've gained in sobriety? No. As it stands, I'm about to lose everything I have. I'm scared. I want someone to save me, and I know that's not going to happen. I'm more alone now, than I've ever been in my entire life.
What you have in sobriety is where it must start and you should be very proud of that and protect it, to me, it represents so much more than NOT DRINKING. There is a reason for us all and I do hope that you can somehow
shake the suicidal thoughts. I must confess I have hit that wall, in SMALL measure, as I am afraid of anything bloody or painful and knowing me couldn't overdose because somehow I would screw it up, and then finding the stuff...too much effort...lol! Plus I have an old dog that needs me. I too feel alone but have started going to AA meetings...you are not alone and you should post more, especially now. I attend the nightly chat meetings, start 6 our time...maybe you should stop in and share, we are an active bunch. I have only been on site for my 15 days of sobriety (again) and it helps perspective wise. Feel free to PM me if you like...I think you have more to offer than you know! Hang in there!
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