Where do I belong???
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Livingroom
Posts: 323
Where do I belong???
Hi all. I'm new to this site but not to the 12 steps. I got to know my mom through AA. She has been sober for 20+ years. I have had issues with drug use but that has been many years ago.
I'm always looking to outside things to make me happy. Things, pets, relationships... Then I wonder why they did not make me happy. I'm 37 and I don't think I have ever been happy. I'm not in a relationship with someone using but my bf is going to SLAA. There is some real trust issues there. And lots of drama with his ex wife.
I do things for other ppl to make them happy but put myself in arms way to get hurt. I even married a guy so he could stay in the states and get meds for his issue. He is in his 40's and I think he is my responceablity. When I was 18 I married a man so I would not hurt his feelings....
I get involved with ppl with lots of drama and issues so I can look at them and know they are crazy..... But I'm the one picking them.
I lie about stuff that does not even matter.....
I'm dealing with depression due to cancer treatments...
I feel like I'm in a black hole and having problems getting out...
I except the unexceptable....
I feel like I'm unworthy of a good life since I'm unable to work do to health issues and trying to keep my insurance.
What the heck is wrong with ME??? Where do I even start or belong?
I'm always looking to outside things to make me happy. Things, pets, relationships... Then I wonder why they did not make me happy. I'm 37 and I don't think I have ever been happy. I'm not in a relationship with someone using but my bf is going to SLAA. There is some real trust issues there. And lots of drama with his ex wife.
I do things for other ppl to make them happy but put myself in arms way to get hurt. I even married a guy so he could stay in the states and get meds for his issue. He is in his 40's and I think he is my responceablity. When I was 18 I married a man so I would not hurt his feelings....
I get involved with ppl with lots of drama and issues so I can look at them and know they are crazy..... But I'm the one picking them.
I lie about stuff that does not even matter.....
I'm dealing with depression due to cancer treatments...
I feel like I'm in a black hole and having problems getting out...
I except the unexceptable....
I feel like I'm unworthy of a good life since I'm unable to work do to health issues and trying to keep my insurance.
What the heck is wrong with ME??? Where do I even start or belong?
Forum Leader
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Scottsdale, AZ, one big happy dysfunctional family!
Posts: 23,056
Hello Kendra, welcome to SR! Seems to me you've already made a great start by posting and introducing yourself. Take some time to look around this site, read and learn, and of course continue to share. There's so much information and support here, it's an incredible place.
The Family And Friends forums might be a good starting point. Don't worry about "belonging", we all fit in here just perfectly!
The Family And Friends forums might be a good starting point. Don't worry about "belonging", we all fit in here just perfectly!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: Smithfield, VA
Posts: 521
I have to second what Astro said. He said it all perfectly. And I'd like to personally welcome you here to SR as well. You're in a great place with a lot of caring and understanding individuals.
Wes
Wes
Moving out of Limbo
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Today
Posts: 343
Kendra, I can relate to so much of your post. I too have lived life looking outward for happiness, with the inside of myself empty of happiness. I have been very materialistic, I have looked to others to complete myself, and have had major issues with self esteem. Living by the standards of others, I have found, has skewed my view of things my whole life, and consequently, has led to depression and other issues. It's not healthy.
Drug use for me was a perfect fit for this way of life for me. Hence, it was bad for me, but really, it's just another symptom of a bigger problem. Life is what it is. But "what is" hasn't been good enough for me in the in the past.
I have found that the only way to take care of myself is to accept the change that life is. Life is always in flux, and living life trying to swim against the current of "what is" will never work. I can relate to what you are saying about gravitating toward the drama and people that come with that drama- what I have found is that people will come and go in life. I am now trying to be mindful of surrounding myself with people who are mindfully open to positive change and compassion. This is a huge step. But it is highly important that I separate myself from lifestyles of negativity. I notice that I used to surround myself with people who didn't want change, and they always wanted to stay the same and not grow. Not coincidentally, I have been the same way, so it makes sense that I surrounded myself with negativity.
So yes, being clean and sober is just a prerequisite for bigger change. In the past, I have thought that getting sober was going to make me happy and everything would be perfect. I was treating sobriety like I have treated everything else- it had to be perfect. In reality, sobriety is just a fundamental for a bigger change in life. If it isn't there, then everything else comes tumbling down.
Welcome to the site, Kendra. You will find alot of support here.
Peace to you.
Drug use for me was a perfect fit for this way of life for me. Hence, it was bad for me, but really, it's just another symptom of a bigger problem. Life is what it is. But "what is" hasn't been good enough for me in the in the past.
I have found that the only way to take care of myself is to accept the change that life is. Life is always in flux, and living life trying to swim against the current of "what is" will never work. I can relate to what you are saying about gravitating toward the drama and people that come with that drama- what I have found is that people will come and go in life. I am now trying to be mindful of surrounding myself with people who are mindfully open to positive change and compassion. This is a huge step. But it is highly important that I separate myself from lifestyles of negativity. I notice that I used to surround myself with people who didn't want change, and they always wanted to stay the same and not grow. Not coincidentally, I have been the same way, so it makes sense that I surrounded myself with negativity.
So yes, being clean and sober is just a prerequisite for bigger change. In the past, I have thought that getting sober was going to make me happy and everything would be perfect. I was treating sobriety like I have treated everything else- it had to be perfect. In reality, sobriety is just a fundamental for a bigger change in life. If it isn't there, then everything else comes tumbling down.
Welcome to the site, Kendra. You will find alot of support here.
Peace to you.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,512
Hi Kendra,
Welcome!
I know what it feels like to think that you don't deserve a good life. And, the thing is, as long as you believe that, it will be hard to move forward. You do deserve a good life. And, maybe the depression is something you need to talk to your dr about.
Keep reading and posting.
Welcome!
I know what it feels like to think that you don't deserve a good life. And, the thing is, as long as you believe that, it will be hard to move forward. You do deserve a good life. And, maybe the depression is something you need to talk to your dr about.
Keep reading and posting.
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