stellaloella

I am back at this forum again after a year. In that year I thought I could control my drinking but it worsened to an alarming degree this winter. My husband was working for long spans of time in another state, and I would ease my boredom and depression by drinking wine. One bottle turned into two a night. I sometimes wouldn't even remember opening the second bottle. I also wouldn't remember phone conversations (some of them arguments) or how I ended up passed out on a chair or on the floor. Or how I broke my glasses, etc., etc., etc...

I admitted my problem to him, and naturally my drinking has been the source of many many confrontations. I hate the person I have become through drinking. It makes me wonder if I really AM a lying, cheating, deceiving person at my core since I worked so hard to lie about my alcohol abuse. I have had a hard time quitting because my husband also drinks, though not as problematically as I do. In the last month I got to a scary place when he stopped working in the other state. He realized that my drinking was bad when he got home and told me to stop. Of course, that didn't seem possible so I started buying half pints of liquor (and I normally hate liquor). I felt like I couldn't survive even a day without something to drink. However, I don't handle liquor well and would end up even more drunk than I intended. I would then try to lie about why I wasn't leaving the house, going to the gym, calling my friends back, etc. I have become a very antisocial person.

I went to an AA meeting on February 20th and it was really eye-opening. I felt like I was not judged for the first time in ages. I met some really nice people. I was scared off by a couple of people who didn't afford me any privacy, and I feel unsure if I can return to the group, but what I DID end up getting out of was a much-needed sense of not being alone in this. I know others have these problems and they are not a reflection of you being a BAD PERSON. It's a fact that alcoholics can't moderate drinking, and it seems that each new attempt to do so results in even worse circumstances. I know that now.

Last night I broke down and drank again. A guy from the AA meeting who is trying to be my friend called and I was pretty much blotto, however, I lied to him about it. He of course knows I was drinking, even more so after my husband demanded to talk to him and said he knew for a fact that I had been drinking. I ended up in a fight with my husband and now I feel like I can't face the AA guy or my husband anymore. My husband spent the night on the couch but this morning was more open to me. However, I frantically searched the house for the empty vodka bottle that I stashed away, and after about an hour managed to find it in a very obvious place that he would have certainly found in a day or two. I am disgusted with myself. My lying is mostly to myself anymore. I need a fresh start, a clear head, and a restored sense of my own self-worth. My self-regard has been savaged by my dishonest ways. I feel like alcohol has become more important and time-consuming than friendships, jobs, relationships, school, consistency, reliability... This has to change and today I am going to give it another try. I went 8 days before breaking down this time, which I am a little sad to say is a record for me. However, I feel desperate to walk outside in the sunshine some day soon and not be preoccupied with alcohol. I will just be me with my thoughts, enjoying the moment.

I am not sure if I will return to AA but I recognize that I do need involvement with other people, because I just can't do this on my own.

Thanks for letting me vent. I plan to spend more time here but I needed to just get this out of my system. I welcome any messages from people who are going through what I'm going through.

Fubarcdn

Welcome to SR.
I come here for my source of support. I quit drinking about 2 months ago and so far this has been enough support to keep me on the right path.
If you are interested in AA and a 12 step program maybe you should try a different group.
Besides quitting drinking I think some type of program is necessary to fix things.
Welcome again and good luck on your journey.

lovinmenow

HI Stella,
You know you came to the right place. I really believe that taking a proactive approach to this is best. Do things to help you.
1. See your doc and be specific and truthful about your problem. Most people lie to their doctor and hide it because they feel shame. Don't. Some may disagree with this but there are many drugs out there that can help with cravings, anxiety. etc.
2. Read about alcoholism. "Under the Influence"..."Happy Hours, Alcohol in a Womens life"..."The Alcoholism and Addiction Cure"..."Beyond the Influence".
3. Make a list of 10 things you would rather do than drink. Keep it handy.
4. Be very aware of what triggers the drink. Stress? Guests? Cleaning? Gardening? I mention this because I am getting ready to plant my garden tomorrow and I just thought wow, a beer would be so good. I used to drink beer and do yardwork, drink beer and fish, drink wine and clean. To me, these are triggers. Know them well. Find a different way to deal with them.
5. Don't drink non-alcoholic beer or wine. it is a trigger.
6. Stay on this board all the time and read others experience. It will help you understand that you are not alone.

Please stay sober. YOu can do it. Sometimes you have to take it one hour or even one minute at a time. You deserve a happy, healthy lifestyle. So does your husband. Once all the lieing and deceit is gone, the weight on your shoulders will come off and you will feel so much more alive.

Aysha

Welcome back.
It can very well be your last day of drinking crazy. As for the rest of lifes BS..It is what it is.
I am glad to see you know you need others to do this.
Stick aorund and I hope you feel better. I know I always do venting, ranting , raving. I been doing it for days now. Its been keeping me sane. LOL

bugsworth

Welcome Stella...you can stop this insanity! Keep posting!

least

An honest talk with your doctor can be very helpful in quitting drinking. Sometimes meds can be given to help with the withdrawals. Face to face support like in AA can be helpful too.

Best place to start is TODAY. Just don't drink for today. Take it one sober day at a time.

Welcome back!:ghug3

Amazonqueen522

This is exactly were I was 55 days ago feeling miserable and helpless. I thought there was no way out that I was going to live my life in such a stage of dispair....

Thanks it helps me remember that Im not alone with this struggle....:ghug3

stellaloella

Thanks everyone. It is nice to hear kind words of support at a time like this. I feel like such a loser for even being on the phone with the AA guy while drinking (secretly, of course). He knows now and I feel so ashamed. I thought I could do it in a half-assed way, you know, have both the drinking AND the sense of accomplishment since I had, after all abstained for 8 days. I now realize I can't have both. It's drinking and failing at everything OR abstaining and learning to be myself in a productive way.

I long for a day when I am not haunted by my guilt at so many things. I think that guilt can be the biggest motivation to drink, for me. Guilt at things said, obligations brushed off, people I've hurt, guilt about my bodily harm that seems so casually easy to inflict.

I look forward to having nothing to hide and nothing to worry about the next day when I can't remember anything from the previous night.

I will continue to post here and will try to lend my support to the people here since we all DO understand the deal, and it sucks!

bugsworth

Guilt is a huge reason why I drank...sadly it only produced more guilt...sobriety lightens the load.