firestorm090

Day 2 and I just woke up from a three hour nap, now it's 9:30 pm and I'm wide awake. What happens when I'm awake? Well, over the past six months I've really hit the booze hard, being bored with life in general. That's why I'm here, trying to discover why perfectly good drunks want to stop drinking and what happened to their lives when they did. I am sick of drinking, but am scared to death of reality, cause I haven't lived sober in over thirty years, and grew up with alcohol always present. My entire family suffers from one form of addiction or another. My brother one year younger than I was killed while high on cocaine and heroin, shot five times. My younger sister is in AA, but I never warmed up to trying that, so I just kept doing what I knew how to do, drink to shut down my emotions. Go to a ballgame, get drunk, go to a funeral, get drunk, work hard all week, get drunk, you get the picture. I got drunk on my wedding night, got drunk when I opened my first business, got drunk when I closed the business seven years later, got drunk when I got divorced. I used to have alot of money, always bought rounds like a bigshot, now I don't have as much money, but run with a crowd where I buy rounds because they have no money, so I buy them drinks just to have a buddy to drink with. I'm fifty years old and feel my life is over in many respects. I once had a fine home, family around every holiday, new cars every couple years, the ability to travel extensively, now I drive a used jeep, live in an apartment and haven't really traveled in years. It's like, when my marriage fell apart, I decided to hell with it, I'm going to do what I want to do, but then, overtime, what I wanted to do became my keeper, my jailer in respects, my cushion from ever trying to get my life together again. I live on the edge of my ability. I hate failure and am scard to death of it, so I just don't try anymore. Screwy, huh? I used to work with large, well-known companies, and had a fair amount of employees, but now I refuse to work with anyone, so I do projects I can complete on my own.

Why am I writing all this? I don't know. Maybe I'm looking for something, for I don't get any enjoyment from the bottle, keg, or beer stein anymore. I am a lost soul. I tried the mid-life crisis group, have searched the internet extensively for why I just feel used up and lost most days, why my ambition is in the gutter, why I just steer clear of most folks, cept my drinking buddies and occasional clients. What a crazy life to live. People say, "oh firestorm, you're so gifted," and I reply, "huh, get outta here," while inside I know I can do much better. I do know I can do so much more, yet I'm not sure what that is or in what direction I need to go. Is it egotistical to say I run from my own potential? Do I hide in the shadows of life, because the pain of controversy is too much to handle sometimes? Whoa, this is getting too deep and too close to the real problem, but for tonight I will not drink to quiet, or quell the inner discontent and confusion. The bats will just have to fly lose in the belfry of my mind tonight. I think the old drink is calling my name full-force tonight.

Thanks for letting open up abit. It scares me when I start to feel and think.

NewBeginning010

Going through some similar challenges firestorm090, it seems like you might be looking for a replacement for your old drinking habits. How about focusing on you & starting to read all of the books about sobriety & why we are this way.

I posted some links to the big book & some online audio seminars for you in your other thread, have you had a chance to check them out? They can really help you to understand what you are going through & why, give it an hour & see if it helps. It made a world of difference to me last night & I am recalling some of the advice today.

Take Care & focus on you & forget about everyone else for a while, you can do more for everyone when you have your recovery in check than you ever could drunk :ghug3

CarolD

My goodness....did I make drastic changes from 50 onwards.

Some were painful...some fun and all have been an adventure!

Get into thinking what you want to do
as long as it's not drinking
because drinking saps your life force.

Please be patient with your sobriety ..it takes time to heal.
Yes! you too can find a fantastic new life.

firestorm090

Hi NewBeginning & Carol,

Thanks for being here with me tonight. I'm out-of-sorts, as you might have guessed.

NewBeginning, I just bought a new computer, however I do not have headphones yet, and I have a lady friend here tonight helping me detox, and she's watching the boob tube, so I'll buy some headphones tomorrow. I am going to buy the Big Book, so that I can check that out. Thanks for the links and support. I'm really jittery tonight.

Carol, you post is very inspiring. I'm having a real problem with cravings tonight, to the extent that it makes it difficult to focus, without the cravings forcing themselves to the forefront of my mind. It's enough to drive a person totally nuts. I am intersted in starting life anew after fifty, so maybe, when my mind has relaxed abit, you can give me some pointers. I appreciate the inspiration your presence brings to the group, and especially to this old drunk.

firestorm090

Carol, actually, I won't be fifty till next month, the 19th of March. Boy, I sure feel fifty tho, lol. Maybe I should hold on to forty-nine while I still can, lol.

NewBeginning010

I have been starting to get active with other people through a website called Meetup.com last week I went to a couple of events including a hike & a pool night. Some people did have a drink after the hike but I had a nice warm coffee instead (its not a party night out).

I put in your area (from your signature) to see if anything came up & here is what I got (below) . I have joined about 8 different fun activity based groups & so far it has been a blast & I have met a lot of new friends (hiking, tennis, badminton etc.). All age groups are represented & sometimes mixed

http://www.meetup.com/cities/us/ca/san_jacinto/groups/

Do something, Learn something, Share something, Change something - meetup.com

CarolD

Ok...about cravings...from my personal files...

In early sobriety....
I timed my cravings.

They were 5-7 minutes in duration.
Not too long too endure discomfort
.
Soooo....I took action.
Walked...rushed my teeth... Drank cold water...Hard candy

Within 2 weeks...the lessened in both time and intensity.
By 2 or so months .... they vanished.

Now...were they mental or physical?
Darn if I know. Nor do I care.....

Forward we go...side by side

CarolD

I returned to drinking countless times after I decided to quit.
:brick:

I read a book..."Under The Influence" in '89
re connected to God and AA

and have not had another drink.

We do have excerpts as a sticky post in our Alcoholism Forum
I hope you will go check it out Firestorm...and then buy the book!
All sorts of interesting info on alcoholism...including a diet plan.

Mega

firestorm090

Hey NewBeginnings, how'd you learn all this computer stuff? It's blowing my mind, since I'm damn near computer illiterate. I'm getting better and appreciate the help. I need to get out among people who do not drink, for all of my so-called friends are just plain drunks like me.

Carol, with me, the cravings seem somewhat consistent, as if they are just waiting for a break in my concentration in order to come back into mind. I feel like it's some kinda little demon sitting on my shoulder, saying, " Hey, who are you kidding? You know you want a drink, what are you doing messing with these people who don't drink?" I sure hope this is somewhat normal, cause if it isn't, then I'm ready for a padded room, lol.

NewBeginning010

I try hehe, are there any groups that you are interested in that are close to your area? You can sign up for that site as well as the individual groups just as you did here. Let me know if you need any help signing up etc.

It looks like they have a good digital photography group meeting in Menifee, CA & a big hiking/walking group in Temecula, CA

nobodyknows

ooooh thank ye!

NewBeginning010

Your welcome, its a great site & has kept me busy doing fun healthy things instead of drinking, let us know if you end up checking out any events and how it goes. Photography is going to be my next group ;-)

firestorm090

Hey NewBeginnings,

I bookmarked the site you listed. Thanks. There are a few interesting groups on the lists, so I'll look through them and see what clicks, (hint-photography, get it, lol). Thanks again.

Hey Nobodyknows, how are you? I'm glad you stopped in and hope you're doing well.

Hi Phaleron,

I'm trying to swallow as much water as my system will allow and am taking a multi, B-complex, Vitamins C & E. That's my detox kit for now, however I plan to add more tomorrow after Walgreen's opens. Thanks for your support. Feeling and thinking is still scary stuff, but you just can't blot out life, or it becomes no life to live. Wow, where did that come from?

nobodyknows

hola! i am actually doing really well today. thank you