Anodyne

I had 23 days sober until about an hour ago.

I live in a very small town where most of the people know me as a drunk who cannot be counted on to a) show up for work, b) be sane. These things I have brought upon myself, I know this, I accept this. I do not like this, and I had been on my second longest sober streak in the last ten years trying to fix this.

I am not drunk at the moment, but I know I am not sober, either. By this I mean that when I went to get a chair out of my car trunk a little after 2 am central time and saw a quarter bottle of black velvet I said to myself "well heck, look how good I have been doing, it's new years, and it's right there, might as well."

So I started. My own choice. A bad choice, but all on me. My question is about the fact that I have a very hard time sleeping normally, and when I go sober it makes it..last longer. I used to have a slew of people I talked to online when I couldn't sleep, but most of them were people who drank or did drugs. By most I think I mean all.

Now I have no idea where to go on the internet to try and keep my mind busy for the critical hours between two am and sunup. Do any of you know any good places? When I try google I end up with lame pron sites for late night chatting, lonely, alone, etc. and /b/ is always around, but that place is just flat out horrible.

Aysha

Theres always someone here.

Anodyne

*grins* I used to think so, too.

24 days ago I absolutely ripped into people for just not being here. But then I thought..wait a minute, that means they are doing better than I am, good for them and then I abandoned this place because I was ashamed to face up how I yelled around about it all being, well, about because of how I yelled around.
Someone is not, actually, always here, and if they are, chances are high that their own problems are somewhat heavy on their minds. Nothing wrong with that, at all.

Aysha

Not the case at all. Its all how you perceive things.
I remember your posts. If I remember correctly. It was as it is now...the very early hours of the morning. As you are talking about.
Its not that people are too preoccupied with themselves. There really isnt that many people here in those times. BUT there is always SOMEONE.
And you have to remember..People do have normal lives to lead. Work..family...things like that.
I dont think I responded to your posts because I was a litte on the ugly side at that moment. I wasnt interacting with anyone.
But you will 9 times out of 10 find someone here to talk to if you make it a point that you need someone to talk to.
I think you will find all that yelling or whatever you did will be forgiven.
One thing I have found about this site is..there is alot of undrstanding, forgiving supportive people here.
Trust me..I was a real ass when I first came here. I bet I cussed everyone out here at least once when I first came here. But I was so lost in myself and thought I knew it all. LOL..What addict in the depths of their addiction doesnt think that way?
I am glad you decided to give us another try. Most people wont give up on ou...Dont give up on yourself or us.
There is alot to be learned here.

Anodyne

I was not, at all, saying that people are too wrapped up in themselves. I was saying that the lack of peope as ..in such a way as I am at this time in the morning means that a lot of people here are doing better than I am, and I am glad for that. Part of that is selfish, that means that I can do better than that, too.

Please do not mistake me, I harbor no ill will whatsoever towards people who are able to sleep soundly at night. I am guilty of some amount of envy, yes, but it is something I aspire to do, myself, and I will never, ever begrudge someone for having come further than I have, ever.

I just want to find a place I can while away these hours that is not harmful to my psyche.

Dee74

I did respond last time Anodyne

but you've caught me at bed time tonight - not gloating LOL I have last nights sleep to catch up on.
I hope you find enough to occupy you here till sun up. I know I can usually fill a couple of hours pretty easy.

maybe see you next time - this place is a good place to be - and as someone who lives in the Pacific, as far as I see, there is always someone here

D

Aysha

Well I am here now..And I cant sleep either..I can never sleep anyway. So if you want..You can talk to me.

Anodyne

Dee, you've always been great. <3 and other emoticons that mean you make me smile and I am glad you are around.

chiynita, I do thank you very much for the offer, and, honestly, just giving that offer was one of the things I did not have a half an hour ago, so I thank you for that.

I do not feel that me talking about what is on my mind at the moment would be conducive to me staying a member of this board.

Captain Kirk

hi!
i thought that what you said about people not counting on you to be sane was just so funny unfortunatly nobody really counts on my sanity either.

so, on to more serious matters.
you have to start again. if you had 10 sober years before then you probably know that the previous time you tried to get sober you probably had many false starts.
live and learn. now you know that the next time you decided to get on the wagon it won't be a good idea to carry a bottle in your trunk.