update...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Europe
Posts: 1,361
update...
It's been a couple of months since i've been writing and reading here.
About two months ago my girlfriend left me, and that has lead to a binge of at least two months. I don't really know why she left me exactly but the way she did was messed up. Since then I've been mostly just working, and after working smoking weed till I fall asleep. New to this binge was drinking loads and loads of beer as well.
Thank god i'm blessed with a body that can't stand alcohol over a longer periode of time (almost killed myself with booze when i was 13, been kinda allergic to it ever since) I stopped drinking about a week ago, because I woke up with terrible nausea and shakings each and every morning.
I spend over a 1000,- euros on weed and beer during this binge. I was going to bars four or five times per week, hardly sleeping and eating.
Each and every time again I think, I can't much lower, things have got to get better from now on. But they don't. Still I fight it each and every day.
Anyways, not everything in the world can always be bad. I know it's quick after breaking up with my college sweetheart (for 5,5 years, i'm almost 25 now). but I'm kinda seeing a really nice girl. She used to come over in the shop were I work, and always I kinda liked her, but when I have a gf I play it by the rules.
She works in a bar hahahaha, she smokes and drinks straight whiskey like it's water haha. A very good girl for an addict like me. I tried to keep with her for a week or two, but it was killing me. The booze, the restless nights, the sickness. So I actually called her up one day, and told her honest that if drinking and destroying myself was the only way for me to be around her than I rather didn't haha.
However, (she is not dumb, otherwise I would never liked her in the first place), she said I should just be myself, (I still consider myself deep down a sober person), and that if she needed drunk idiotic company she allready had enough familiars and friends haha.
Anyways, we play things cool, she's been single for quite a while, I just came from a break-up, so we take our time to get to know eachother. I do know I really, really like her.
I still try to meditate every morning, as long as I don't have a weed hangover (headaches, dehydration, fatigue), I still manage to exercise about three times per week, and I still haven't been fired so there are some good things left.
I hope that I can find the strenght to sober just for today, but I am soooo sceptical lately..
ps. I counted this whole year each and every day if I were sober or not, and what, and what amounts I used. Each and every day.
roughly; 244 days of this year mostly stoned, and sometimes drunk. that's at least 750 big spliffs....it makes me truely feel like an addict. Last few years have been similar.
god....
About two months ago my girlfriend left me, and that has lead to a binge of at least two months. I don't really know why she left me exactly but the way she did was messed up. Since then I've been mostly just working, and after working smoking weed till I fall asleep. New to this binge was drinking loads and loads of beer as well.
Thank god i'm blessed with a body that can't stand alcohol over a longer periode of time (almost killed myself with booze when i was 13, been kinda allergic to it ever since) I stopped drinking about a week ago, because I woke up with terrible nausea and shakings each and every morning.
I spend over a 1000,- euros on weed and beer during this binge. I was going to bars four or five times per week, hardly sleeping and eating.
Each and every time again I think, I can't much lower, things have got to get better from now on. But they don't. Still I fight it each and every day.
Anyways, not everything in the world can always be bad. I know it's quick after breaking up with my college sweetheart (for 5,5 years, i'm almost 25 now). but I'm kinda seeing a really nice girl. She used to come over in the shop were I work, and always I kinda liked her, but when I have a gf I play it by the rules.
She works in a bar hahahaha, she smokes and drinks straight whiskey like it's water haha. A very good girl for an addict like me. I tried to keep with her for a week or two, but it was killing me. The booze, the restless nights, the sickness. So I actually called her up one day, and told her honest that if drinking and destroying myself was the only way for me to be around her than I rather didn't haha.
However, (she is not dumb, otherwise I would never liked her in the first place), she said I should just be myself, (I still consider myself deep down a sober person), and that if she needed drunk idiotic company she allready had enough familiars and friends haha.
Anyways, we play things cool, she's been single for quite a while, I just came from a break-up, so we take our time to get to know eachother. I do know I really, really like her.
I still try to meditate every morning, as long as I don't have a weed hangover (headaches, dehydration, fatigue), I still manage to exercise about three times per week, and I still haven't been fired so there are some good things left.
I hope that I can find the strenght to sober just for today, but I am soooo sceptical lately..
ps. I counted this whole year each and every day if I were sober or not, and what, and what amounts I used. Each and every day.
roughly; 244 days of this year mostly stoned, and sometimes drunk. that's at least 750 big spliffs....it makes me truely feel like an addict. Last few years have been similar.
god....
Moving out of Limbo
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Today
Posts: 343
I was recently broken up with myself, gf of 2 years, but we are back together right now, and taking things slow. I'm lucky, because she is a 2 years sober person.
My getting high all the time just didn't work for me anymore. Sure, it could be fun, but mostly left me empty.
And I really started to seclude and smoke alot of pot. The occasional drinking was to "complement" the high.
Then I realized nothing as really that important to me anymore. Just getting high was. So when I let a relationship crumble in front of my eyes and ignored important people in my life to go get high, I knew there was a problem.
I think you may be right, maybe all of us are sober inside. Even when using. But I was scared to be that sober person.
Other addictive behaviors, codependency, things I am ashamed of in the past, day to day stress... all these things I didn't have to deal with when getting high. So really, things I have been addicted to have been my God.
I hope you find your path that makes you happy. If you clear your mind of things, I think you will see which path that is.
My getting high all the time just didn't work for me anymore. Sure, it could be fun, but mostly left me empty.
And I really started to seclude and smoke alot of pot. The occasional drinking was to "complement" the high.
Then I realized nothing as really that important to me anymore. Just getting high was. So when I let a relationship crumble in front of my eyes and ignored important people in my life to go get high, I knew there was a problem.
I think you may be right, maybe all of us are sober inside. Even when using. But I was scared to be that sober person.
Other addictive behaviors, codependency, things I am ashamed of in the past, day to day stress... all these things I didn't have to deal with when getting high. So really, things I have been addicted to have been my God.
I hope you find your path that makes you happy. If you clear your mind of things, I think you will see which path that is.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Europe
Posts: 1,361
thanks james, your story really sounds familiar, especially the secluding..I kept my addiction kinda hidden for the first three years or so...after that I tried to openday to her, sometimes, but she never got it, and I don't blame her for it. We won't get back together tough, being honest she wasn't the right kinda person, but I never had the guts to tell her that before,
day 2,
woke up this morning, had to throw up, not food or anything, but just the stuff that digests it (don't know the english word for it). This started about three weeks ago, every other day or so. It got less when I quit drinking. Perhaps it's time for me to see a doctor haha. Still I wonna be a few days sober first, maybe it's just stress or too many toxins in my body.
I'm a bit tired today, went to bed at 1:00 am, woke up naturally at around seven. I need a good healthy long sleep for a change, but I find it hard. After work i'm going the gym, proberly after that i will crash and burn
.
Gotta go to work in an hour or so. For the first time in a long long time I really am looking forward to it. why? It keeps me busy. Translated from dutch; being busy therapy haha. There is a coffeshop right across the street from we're I work, that sucks. This whole smoke weed all you want policy in this country sucks while i'm at it.
*lights a cig*
God I hate smoking sigarettes, but I find quitting this poison very very hard. Anyways, it's better then relapsing to pot, so.....
Gotta hit the shower or i'll be late...
day 2,
woke up this morning, had to throw up, not food or anything, but just the stuff that digests it (don't know the english word for it). This started about three weeks ago, every other day or so. It got less when I quit drinking. Perhaps it's time for me to see a doctor haha. Still I wonna be a few days sober first, maybe it's just stress or too many toxins in my body.
I'm a bit tired today, went to bed at 1:00 am, woke up naturally at around seven. I need a good healthy long sleep for a change, but I find it hard. After work i'm going the gym, proberly after that i will crash and burn
. Gotta go to work in an hour or so. For the first time in a long long time I really am looking forward to it. why? It keeps me busy. Translated from dutch; being busy therapy haha. There is a coffeshop right across the street from we're I work, that sucks. This whole smoke weed all you want policy in this country sucks while i'm at it.
*lights a cig*
God I hate smoking sigarettes, but I find quitting this poison very very hard. Anyways, it's better then relapsing to pot, so.....
Gotta hit the shower or i'll be late...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Europe
Posts: 1,361
day 3
Once again I slept for only five hours or for so in total. Sweating, waking up shaky in the middle of the night. But I must be honest, I proberly could have slept more, but the girl I mentioned earlier came by to watch some episodes of supernatural (i'm her dealer hahahaha). She knows about my addictive personality, and my struggles with it, but somehow she still seems to like me.
I had such a wonderfull evening. Even tough things may never work out for us, i allready am gratefull towards her for making me feel so much better. No-one can take that away ever
She doesn't know I do the active recovery thing every once in a while, but i really want to keep that to myself for now. Some wars must be fought alone, once I'm clean enough I will tell her. Maybe even show my posts here, so that she understands me better. it''s not like with my ex, i've been pretending to be someone else for so long I just couldn't open up to her.
Have been throwing up this morning, again. it's starting to become annoying. With less intensity tough, so that's a bit of a progress. Im starting to think it can be something mental too.
gooood morning reality. *get's slapped in the face* BARF. hahaha something like that.
i've been paying attention on my health for about a week now. taking some multivitamins, eating enough fruit and vegatables.
I had such a wonderfull evening
. Even tough things may never work out for us, i allready am gratefull towards her for making me feel so much better. No-one can take that away ever She doesn't know I do the active recovery thing every once in a while, but i really want to keep that to myself for now. Some wars must be fought alone, once I'm clean enough I will tell her. Maybe even show my posts here, so that she understands me better. it''s not like with my ex, i've been pretending to be someone else for so long I just couldn't open up to her.
Have been throwing up this morning, again. it's starting to become annoying. With less intensity tough, so that's a bit of a progress. Im starting to think it can be something mental too.
gooood morning reality. *get's slapped in the face* BARF. hahaha something like that.
i've been paying attention on my health for about a week now. taking some multivitamins, eating enough fruit and vegatables.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Europe
Posts: 1,361
day 4,
it still feels like day three to me, maybe because I actually haven't slept yet hahaha? I went out partying all night long, sober, drank some red bull to keep the body going, smoked some sigs, but tonight it was all good. I remember now how much fun it is to be sober. People came up to me if I had speed to sell because i had such a big smile on my face and my eyes were dialeted, i just laughed and said I was all natural (hell yeah!). I can actually party longer, better and harder sober then being wasted. Sweet.
Im watching a nature documentary now (deep blue, it's beautifull) to kalm my mind, and then I go to bed in a small hour or so.
it still feels like day three to me, maybe because I actually haven't slept yet hahaha? I went out partying all night long, sober, drank some red bull to keep the body going, smoked some sigs, but tonight it was all good. I remember now how much fun it is to be sober. People came up to me if I had speed to sell because i had such a big smile on my face and my eyes were dialeted, i just laughed and said I was all natural (hell yeah!). I can actually party longer, better and harder sober then being wasted. Sweet.
Im watching a nature documentary now (deep blue, it's beautifull) to kalm my mind, and then I go to bed in a small hour or so.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
