christin1225

Thank you to everyone who replied so kindly to my last post. I want you to know that your replies are so appreciated. I couldn't tell you earlier because I have to hide my contact with SR.

Here's another "long post." I apologize. I know that I have trouble being brief. I’m always tempted to start with a disclamer: make sure you read all other posts first, I don’t want to take you away from something really important because this could take a while to read. That said, continue at your own risk.

When I read Sugah's explanation of dependence and addiction, I was sickened. What made me feel sick? I don’t know. The entire reply was so kind and so gentle, but it felt like a punch in the gut. I literally wanted to throw up. Thank you so very much, Sugah and, again, to everyone because no matter what else I feel when I read something on SR, I feel safe and like someone cares enough to care.

I haven’t taken anything today. (I almost put that in all caps). But, I say yet because there’s still time. It has been a struggle against my own mind all day: every time that I crave, my entire body tenses into a huge muscle spasm, takes my breath away, and then I feel nauseous. Tonight, it’s just my stomach. I’m amazed at how powerful my mind actually is, at how fond this brain has become to being slightly numbed for such a short period of time, at how deep-seated the psychology must be. Now, if only I could turn the messages in my head around to work in my favor! The pain from the discs in my neck has been increasing since yesterday. My mind’s way of tempting me to run to the doctor to “get something” for the pain? Mind over matter, I’m discovering, can be a mighty scarey thing.

I want to assure you all that I am trying. I know that it must seem that it shouldn’t be this hard. That embarrasses me terribly. I am so ashamed of my mental weakness (in spite of my brain seeming so powerful). I have to fight not to run and hide or try to drown the humiliation I feel when I admit these things. Also, I feel as if you guys must think that I completely disregard your kindness and your words of wisdom. I’m really not. Trust me, PLEASE, that it’s all getting tucked away inside here. I’ve researched dry drunks, bipolar disorder, personalities disorders, just to name a few. I AM trying. I just haven’t found me anywhere.

Earlier in the week, MLE suggested to me that I’m looking down the barrel of addiction and (thank you MLE) those words continue to haunt me as I refuse to throw anything out because I can’t face doing that yet. Why not? Of course you know... because I fear that I may not be able to do this again tomorrow. My solace is that at least the barrel has only one chamber loaded (please don’t get me wrong, I know the name of that game). So, regardless of it appearing as though I don’t hear a thing that you say, every word that I have read on this site means so much to me and I keep each of them inside me. Now, I need to turn off the computer before I get caught, recall all those wonderful words, and hold out for another hour or so, until it becomes the “next day.” Actually, it’s probably best just to go to bed.

Sugah

Christin--you've got my prayers, sister. One foot in front of the other.

Peace & Love,
Sugah

Hevyn

Christin, I was on SR for 5 mos. before I stopped drinking. I know just what you mean about the advice - it's all inside us, waiting to be utilized. I was afraid everyone would grow bored with me and think I wasn't really trying, but miraculously, they all understood. I didn't get any lectures - everyone patiently waited for me to see the light. One of the things that meant the most was to see how people had managed to keep their sense of humor. I guess I thought being sober was equal to being dull. I just wanted to add my encouragment and good wishes. You sound very positive and determined to beat this thing. Love, Joanie

least

I've had too many day ones to count, but you CAN live sober. Not easy, but so much worth it!

:ghug3

christin1225

I don't swear and I'm not usually prone to anger. Maybe it's my state of mind at this moment, but I'm really pissed off. I just read the post of someone sober for three days (I hope she doesn't see this, that's why I'm posting on my own thread) and her husband drank in front of her. I know that I have no right to comment on this, it's not my life. But, I guess that's not going to stop me from doing so. I'm too pissed off to keep my mouth shut! What the ... did he think he was doing??? She was incredibly, wonderfully strong. But, should have needed to be ... I mean ... THREE DAYS SOBER??! I know that she said that it was okay for him to do. But, should have HAD to say that?? I would love to tell her AWESOME JOB but my anger is too much in the way right now and I want to hit her husband over the head and wake him up. God, this is so hard. I would not want to be in her shoes.

nogard

hey chritin, welcome to SR

Others do things with and without thinking many times when we are in recovery, we have no control over that, thats why its so good we have each other and that we understand each other so well.

Kevin

Jackie36

I have been sober almost 3 months now. My ABF drinks over a 12 pack a day. Whenever I am with him, its all revolved around his drinking really. He tells me how proud he is of me, but then when he sees anyone in my family, he tells them he keeps me centered! lol, that is just to funny, he wants to take credit for my sobriety, while drinking around me every minute we are together. Bottom line is, he has to realize his own problem, when and if he ever does. I can not do that for him. I have to stay strong in my recovery, and I will tell you what, this does bring on alot of resentments to me, and has made me have to start thinking what I want in my future. I just have to say, it was very endearing to hear you cared so much. Sometimes, I think I am being selfish in the way I feel about, it was just good to "hear"
Jackie

dirtyjerz08

Not only have I learned that I'm powerless over alcohol, but I'm powerless over other people as well. What they do is their business, and they can be harmful without even knowing it. It's a shame, but many people just don't understand what it's like to be in the shoes of an addict/alkie trying to get sober. They think something is harmless when it may be driving us crazy. However I can't expect them to understand, I am the one who drank and drugged myself into addiction. I am the one that has to deal with it. Thankfully I deal with it with the help of many others, and a God of my understanding.

findingkermit

Christin, If it was me whos husband you were refering to, then yes I did read your post, if not then ignore the rest of this post.

I don't think it is anyone elses business how we go about achieving sobriety, yes I told him to have a beer, I felt safe, I felt happy, and he wasn't going to have one, but it wqas his best friends birthday too, and he is lucky if he drinks 4 beers in aany given year, why should he miss out? We are a mature couple with mature friends who only occasionally share a drink (apart from alchy me)

My husband would do anything for me, he has cared for (my) chidren, he is thier step dad, when I was in rehab, when I was suisidal, while I was locked up for attempting suicide, all the days I have been drunk for years, he has loved me, unconditionally, never raised a hand to me, and made me feel special & loved every single day.

He is not responsible for me, I am. And I must say that my 4 days sober have been very happy ones, I haven't felt stressed at all.... until I read your post, now I just feel sad, that such a fantastic man can be refered to in such a negitive way.

All the best for your journey, I hope you find your happy place.

christin1225

I am so, so very sorry. I know so very well how the spoken (or written) word can pierce a heart. It causes a wound that can be most difficult to heal. I never wished to inflict such a wound on you. I was so incredibly proud of what you had done and viewed your situation through my own lenses and my own struggles with today. Please forgive me. I wish you only well. :sorry

findingkermit

Awwww christin, thankyou for your appology, I really didn't know whether to address your post about it or not, but I thought if I didn't I would stew on it and I needed to find a way to destress. Up until now I have been very nervous about telling anyone if they have upset me, and I thought that part of my recovery is to learn to confront my upsets.

So I hope I didn't upset you too much by addressing it and explaining it from my point of view? I realise you didn't mean to upset me, and I was chuffed that you felt so strongly for my progress and what I had achieved so far, thankyou for feeling that for me

I really do hope you find your happy place, and that I may stay strong enough to be there along with everyone else in here to support you, and be there for you in any way I can.

Thankyou again :ghug3