Please... I need advice
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Littleton, Co.
Posts: 3,317
Originally Posted by problemchild 
I really hate to hear you are having such a bad time, wish i had more advice or something to add but, i see you have had alot givin to you already. I also have a situation i currently went through with my wife, what helped me was to really find out what my heart feels not what John feels (cause we know ol John is messed up) so i went to our other house were there is noone around for miles and just sat out on the back deck with no noises other than wind no other distraction in the world , shut my eyes and connected with my heart, may sound weird to others but it was a very wounderful experience i cannot begin to explain. Lasted for hours and will not soon be forgotten.
So if you can find a really quite place give it a shot, whatcha gotta loose??????
Take care,
John
So if you can find a really quite place give it a shot, whatcha gotta loose??????
Take care,
John
I am however going to spend some time reflecting while I have today to myself.
After asking him yesterday if he would go to marriage counseling with me he has done a 180 and been behaving himself. I think i really caught him off guard. I think I am going to start tracking his moods on one of my mood charts. Thats probably not a good idea as those charts are for my mood tracking. What could it hurt right?
Thanks again to everyone who has responded.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,511
Hi Suzette,
I'm glad your husband has agreed to marriage counselling. I do hope you keep your options open though, and consider the women's shelter if things do not improve. At least you will have the information from them, that you need. And, of course, it's important that your boys are stable, but I don't think you want them to grow up believing that verbal and emotional abuse are okay.
You're doing great!
I'm glad your husband has agreed to marriage counselling. I do hope you keep your options open though, and consider the women's shelter if things do not improve. At least you will have the information from them, that you need. And, of course, it's important that your boys are stable, but I don't think you want them to grow up believing that verbal and emotional abuse are okay.
You're doing great!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: 49 degrees north
Posts: 1,036
Hello Friend
Having raised twin sons, it was of utmost importance to me that they grew up with respect for women. Through many of the years, my marriage was dysfunctional, but I rarely raised my voice to my ex and I never criticized her to any of my kids. She was and is, an incredible mother.
When they began listening to "rap" and "hip-hop" music, I nearly lost it. The misogynistic messages throughout appalled me. We went round and round. They claimed it was just "music;" I claimed that such messages were subliminal. I asked them to imagine their mother's or sister's face as the subject of those lyrics. I told them if they ever abused a woman I would kick their butt even if I had to get out of my wheelchair to do it.
They are now 26 and incredible men. A prize for any woman. They internalized the teachings of their father. They will make incredible fathers. I hope your husband realizes this.
Go in peace and keep yourself safe in all ways. You seem to have a very strong and functional internal compass-I would trust it. Let the words of the therapist give you pause for thought, but trust yourself.
In the meantime I and others are here for you...
Friend warren
Having raised twin sons, it was of utmost importance to me that they grew up with respect for women. Through many of the years, my marriage was dysfunctional, but I rarely raised my voice to my ex and I never criticized her to any of my kids. She was and is, an incredible mother.
When they began listening to "rap" and "hip-hop" music, I nearly lost it. The misogynistic messages throughout appalled me. We went round and round. They claimed it was just "music;" I claimed that such messages were subliminal. I asked them to imagine their mother's or sister's face as the subject of those lyrics. I told them if they ever abused a woman I would kick their butt even if I had to get out of my wheelchair to do it.
They are now 26 and incredible men. A prize for any woman. They internalized the teachings of their father. They will make incredible fathers. I hope your husband realizes this.
Go in peace and keep yourself safe in all ways. You seem to have a very strong and functional internal compass-I would trust it. Let the words of the therapist give you pause for thought, but trust yourself.
In the meantime I and others are here for you...
Friend warren
Hollyce Jones
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: The Golden State of California
Posts: 77
Originally Posted by Toomutch
Well - I went out on a limb catching my husband in a good mood and asked if he would go to marriage counseling. He said he would but didn't understand why I thought we needed it... Hello...
Anyway it's a start - I was so afraid to ask, and so glad I did.
Anyway it's a start - I was so afraid to ask, and so glad I did.
Hollyce
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Littleton, Co.
Posts: 3,317
Nice Work! That's a start, Suzette. Keep asking for what you think is important. ie, setting your boundaries and hopefully they'll be respected. Hang in there, hon'. I'm sending good thoughts your way.
Hollyce
Hollyce
Looking For Myself...Sober
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Where the heart is
Posts: 10,209
((((HUGE HUGS)))))
I really dont know what to say.
I am glad he agreed to counseling. Hopefully it helps.
You are working hard. And considering all that has come your way lately. Your doing a dam good job.
There has to be some middle ground there. I think he needs to be willing to put in some work too. And get them bounderies set and stick by them!!
I believe as addicts/alcoholics...We beat on ourselves enough. In all different ways.
We dont need anyone else doing it. Especially when we are trying to better ourselves.
I am thinking of you.
I really dont know what to say.
I am glad he agreed to counseling. Hopefully it helps.
You are working hard. And considering all that has come your way lately. Your doing a dam good job.
There has to be some middle ground there. I think he needs to be willing to put in some work too. And get them bounderies set and stick by them!!
I believe as addicts/alcoholics...We beat on ourselves enough. In all different ways.
We dont need anyone else doing it. Especially when we are trying to better ourselves.
I am thinking of you.
FreeSpirit
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Inside My Spirit
Posts: 1,274
Hey, Suzette I'm so sorry for what you are encountering, reading your thread
it bran me back memories of what I when trough with my first husband my son father
he was also very abusive, verbally, emotionally, and physically,well what I did
to solve the problem at 19 yrs old I couldn't do much cause he was a stalker
the Difference between You, and I, is that he is still living with you, and your Kids are big,
my son was only 5, months and God made a way for my ex-husband to get lock up, so that was my time to Leave, and Hide, and I did that I went to a woman shelter for single Moms.
in your situation, should be no Different than mine cause we both share the same horrendous, UN cruel treatment, all I can say is run for your Life Girl, I know is easy said than Done, but you got to look at it this way is either that, or your sanity, or living
under his Regimen, and suffer a brake down, and then what then you really when be able to be there for your Kids, all I'm saying is this is your Life the Hell with him, sorry
if he wants to act like a cry baby, is not fair for you, and your kids, hes robing you,
and your children from living a fruitful life.
I understand you don't want to stir up a war, but then what your going to die in the middle of battle, no Girl the same Wings God gave you, God will give your husband his pair of wings, you cant be Wings for everyone, "Think about it"? he needs to Grow up
and if you stay cleaning up after his mess, and covering it up, your Robbing him from facing him self, and his issues, plz don't get mad but a true friend tells it like it is
Luv& Hugs and
it bran me back memories of what I when trough with my first husband my son father
he was also very abusive, verbally, emotionally, and physically,well what I did
to solve the problem at 19 yrs old I couldn't do much cause he was a stalker
the Difference between You, and I, is that he is still living with you, and your Kids are big,
my son was only 5, months and God made a way for my ex-husband to get lock up, so that was my time to Leave, and Hide, and I did that I went to a woman shelter for single Moms.
in your situation, should be no Different than mine cause we both share the same horrendous, UN cruel treatment, all I can say is run for your Life Girl, I know is easy said than Done, but you got to look at it this way is either that, or your sanity, or living
under his Regimen, and suffer a brake down, and then what then you really when be able to be there for your Kids, all I'm saying is this is your Life the Hell with him, sorry
if he wants to act like a cry baby, is not fair for you, and your kids, hes robing you,
and your children from living a fruitful life.
I understand you don't want to stir up a war, but then what your going to die in the middle of battle, no Girl the same Wings God gave you, God will give your husband his pair of wings, you cant be Wings for everyone, "Think about it"? he needs to Grow up
and if you stay cleaning up after his mess, and covering it up, your Robbing him from facing him self, and his issues, plz don't get mad but a true friend tells it like it is
Luv& Hugs and
Member
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: wherever my feet take me
Posts: 1,314
I dont have any advice. Just wanted you to know Im sorry to hear your going through such a hard time. Keep taking care of yourself, it sounds like youve been taking all the right steps. I wish your husband could understand how hard it is to change the way you have. He shouldnt be yelling at you, he should be very proud. I hope your proud of yourself even if he isnt
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Littleton, Co.
Posts: 3,317
Butterfly - I am not mad at you, infact quite the opposite. I want to hear everyones opinions, real opinions, not sugar coated.
Before I do anything else, I want to give marriage counseling a try. Every since I brought it up, he has been sweeter than pie. Along with marriage counseling I am going to insist that he starts taking hi's busbar as instructed, not just a little piece here and a little piece there.
I need the counseling as much as he does. He came home early today in a frisky mood, and I avoided any type of physical contact like the plague. That to me speaks volumes because I am typically not that way.
His work is cut out for him if he wants to keep this relationship intact.
I do need to look at my part in it too.
Before I do anything else, I want to give marriage counseling a try. Every since I brought it up, he has been sweeter than pie. Along with marriage counseling I am going to insist that he starts taking hi's busbar as instructed, not just a little piece here and a little piece there.
I need the counseling as much as he does. He came home early today in a frisky mood, and I avoided any type of physical contact like the plague. That to me speaks volumes because I am typically not that way.
His work is cut out for him if he wants to keep this relationship intact.
I do need to look at my part in it too.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
I went for counseling at a domestic abuse center, I got a very good counselor and I continue to be grateful to her every day and that is several years ago.
I highly recommend it!
It is ALWAYS advised in cases where there is abuse to seek separate counseling for yourself, so you can talk openly without fear or reprisal amongst other things.
I highly recommend it!
It is ALWAYS advised in cases where there is abuse to seek separate counseling for yourself, so you can talk openly without fear or reprisal amongst other things.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Littleton, Co.
Posts: 3,317
liveweyerd - I am going to start marriage couseling in addition to the individual therapy I am already attending.
Has anyone else ever experienced their spouse doing a 180 after marraige counseling is suggested?
Has anyone else ever experienced their spouse doing a 180 after marraige counseling is suggested?
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,782
My ABF from twenty years ago got nice really quickly when I threatened to kick him out. It didn't last tho, and it wasn't long before he was back to his abusive self. I had to throw him out for good and he finally left me alone.
YOu've been given good advice here. I hope the marriage counseling helps! I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers!
YOu've been given good advice here. I hope the marriage counseling helps! I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers!
IO Storm
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Southern California
Posts: 18,436
TM..
Let's just say..I can relate.
Evidently your therapist feels you need this support (now) or they would not have
suggested it. If your therapist is like mine..they know you well, and how much you
can handle..are looking out for your best interests.
Yelling for an hour is abuse. Plain and simple. No getting around it.
To have this support in place is excellent..especially in the event that (God forbid)
he misses marital counseling meetings..or if things get worse or out of hand.
You will have this service in place, and be comfortable with someone there. Another issue is...
marital counseling is a godsend...but it is stressful as well. Please go and get this support TM.
Just for you..
And just my opinion.
Love,
Sher
Let's just say..I can relate.
Evidently your therapist feels you need this support (now) or they would not have
suggested it. If your therapist is like mine..they know you well, and how much you
can handle..are looking out for your best interests.
Yelling for an hour is abuse. Plain and simple. No getting around it.
To have this support in place is excellent..especially in the event that (God forbid)
he misses marital counseling meetings..or if things get worse or out of hand.
You will have this service in place, and be comfortable with someone there. Another issue is...
marital counseling is a godsend...but it is stressful as well. Please go and get this support TM.
Just for you..
And just my opinion.
Love,
Sher
FreeSpirit
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Inside My Spirit
Posts: 1,274
T.M. the reason I said don't get mad is wasnt refer directly to you
is that in the pass when I had share my opinions, I had gotten bad
Reaction nothing personal I just didn't know if you was going to be one of those people
that's Why?? I said it "Heads Up" lol
I Hope you are doing well and this Marital counseling works!!!!!!
if it doesn't Runnnnn as Fast as you can!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
is that in the pass when I had share my opinions, I had gotten bad
Reaction nothing personal I just didn't know if you was going to be one of those people
that's Why?? I said it "Heads Up" lol
I Hope you are doing well and this Marital counseling works!!!!!!
if it doesn't Runnnnn as Fast as you can!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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