I'm losing the battle
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,569
Praying for you, Creekryder. I've always enjoyed your posts. Many of us are having a struggle right now, me included. 'Tis the season. As Steamvessel said, please tell us more about what's going on. We care & don't want to lose you.
Cause no harm
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Missouri
Posts: 596
The struggle, this time, seems unresolvable. Please believe me that I am not in self-pity...it is a deep hopelessness that I can't seem to shake. It is unbelievable that two years ago, abstaining was not that big of a deal, although the longest run was only 3 and a half months. Now going a day, maybe two is an accomplishment, only to be followed by several weeks of drinking daily. You know, it's not that I get smashed, for I have the unholy quality of drinking a fair amount of alcohol and functioning quite well. It is not a quality, rather a curse. It is not the blackouts (I rarely have them,) not the crazy, insane things one does under the influence...it is the craving. The incessant desire at 6 o'clock in the evening to have my "fix" of booze each night. I wish the hell I could drink enough to get sick in the morning to at least have the incentive to stop. That is the issue. I have lost the desire to quit. At three o'clock in the morning I wake to make the commitment to stop...only to have that resolve dissipate like water on a hot griddle by the afternoon. I no longer believe in myself, in a God, or the possibility of salvation from the addiction.
Hold me in your thoughts.
Padraic
Hold me in your thoughts.
Padraic
Member
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: Glitzville
Posts: 334
Me, too, Padraic. Every night like clock-work, like possession. Until I got physically sick, poisoned enough that the gastritis was so bad I was burning through my plumbing. My liver was so swollen it would wake me up with its aching.
Whether you have to take it that far is up to you, but it will be down the road if you don't stop.
I made it stop. I just finally said no more, but pushed it yet two more days because the liter bottle just wasn't empty yet and I couldn't waste it. Pretty pathetic. It was the last bottle that made it to the recycling bin.
The cravings every night like clock-work were there. I thought I was losing my mind. But I didn't drink. I roamed the internet for information, night after night. I found SR, devoured the stories of recovery. I was sick and depressed and crawling out of my skin. But I kept putting distance on it. And with the distance came the dwindling of cravings.
You can do it, Padraic. If I can do it, you can, too. You know when the cravings start, prepare a defense of things to do, make a call, hang here, pm someone, go to an evening meeting, talk to someone who knows what it's like.
I'm pulling for you, and you are most definitely in my thoughts.
:ghug3:
Hugs,
Donna
Whether you have to take it that far is up to you, but it will be down the road if you don't stop.
I made it stop. I just finally said no more, but pushed it yet two more days because the liter bottle just wasn't empty yet and I couldn't waste it. Pretty pathetic. It was the last bottle that made it to the recycling bin.
The cravings every night like clock-work were there. I thought I was losing my mind. But I didn't drink. I roamed the internet for information, night after night. I found SR, devoured the stories of recovery. I was sick and depressed and crawling out of my skin. But I kept putting distance on it. And with the distance came the dwindling of cravings.
You can do it, Padraic. If I can do it, you can, too. You know when the cravings start, prepare a defense of things to do, make a call, hang here, pm someone, go to an evening meeting, talk to someone who knows what it's like.
I'm pulling for you, and you are most definitely in my thoughts.
:ghug3:
Hugs,
Donna
To Thine Own Self Be True
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: So Cal
Posts: 1,946
Padraic,
I will pray for you tonight. I will pray that you become willing to get into action and work for recovery, not just sobriety. The drink is but a symptom.
It is an amazing feeling to be free of that daily obsession. If I can be free of that incessant desire today, you can too!
I will pray for you tonight. I will pray that you become willing to get into action and work for recovery, not just sobriety. The drink is but a symptom.
It is an amazing feeling to be free of that daily obsession. If I can be free of that incessant desire today, you can too!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: Florida
Posts: 469
Creekryder. Very saddened that you are struggling so right now. I will pray for you in hopes the obsession can be lifted from you. Keep posting, go to meetings...do what you need to do to get support, you can beat it...we are here for you.
:praying
:praying
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Posts: 12,136
Padraic,
Yes, I think inpatient detox/rehab would be the safest place for you. Are you willing? Do you still have the same job? Surely you have the means to make this happen? You MUST have some small piece of willingness, or you wouldn't have posted, asking for our prayers... Let us know how we can help, friend. You aren't alone.
Yes, I think inpatient detox/rehab would be the safest place for you. Are you willing? Do you still have the same job? Surely you have the means to make this happen? You MUST have some small piece of willingness, or you wouldn't have posted, asking for our prayers... Let us know how we can help, friend. You aren't alone.
Cause no harm
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Missouri
Posts: 596
Thank you all for your kindness and concerns. Let me try to address some of the comments:
Rehab is not a viable option at this time. As I stated earlier, I am a functional alcoholic. I go to work each day and perform duties as firefighter and EMT. I don't get blasted all the time, I just am slaved to the bottle...even if I have only one or two beers, I am still addicted to the sauce. But I have obligations that require me to work and pay the bills. If I don't do that, there's more to lose than just material things. And I can't let go of my need to help others in my capacity as a medic. I just somehow have to find that drive again that I had two years ago. For those who are familiar with me know I live in a remote area that requires me to drive an hour or so to get to a meeting, which is only offered a couple times a week at best. I have no other friends close by that don't drink to some degree. I guess I need to find a sober voice to share with.
To Donna, I feel we have undergone very similar issues, as probably everyone else here as well. Thank you for your sharing of events, I would like sometime to talk more.
To Carol, you have always been a pillar of strength and inspiration to me, and continue to be so. I bow with humble admiration to you.
Rowan, your thoughtfulness is soothing and I appreciate your concern.
Stone, it was good to hear from you...it's been a while.
And to all the rest, Anna, Zakari, Stubborn, RZ, Coffenut, Steamvessel, Hevyn, Thanks2HP, Deerwalk, TTOSBT, ElChupacabra, Pam, and Bumble...I wanted to acknowledge each of you for your time to leave your concerns and prayers. SR has always been a haven for me, always will. Just writing to you all and thanking you has uplifted my spirit. I seem to have forgotten that is what it is all about.
I bow to each and everyone of you and thank you again. I hope my HP returns soon.
peace,
Padraic
Rehab is not a viable option at this time. As I stated earlier, I am a functional alcoholic. I go to work each day and perform duties as firefighter and EMT. I don't get blasted all the time, I just am slaved to the bottle...even if I have only one or two beers, I am still addicted to the sauce. But I have obligations that require me to work and pay the bills. If I don't do that, there's more to lose than just material things. And I can't let go of my need to help others in my capacity as a medic. I just somehow have to find that drive again that I had two years ago. For those who are familiar with me know I live in a remote area that requires me to drive an hour or so to get to a meeting, which is only offered a couple times a week at best. I have no other friends close by that don't drink to some degree. I guess I need to find a sober voice to share with.
To Donna, I feel we have undergone very similar issues, as probably everyone else here as well. Thank you for your sharing of events, I would like sometime to talk more.
To Carol, you have always been a pillar of strength and inspiration to me, and continue to be so. I bow with humble admiration to you.
Rowan, your thoughtfulness is soothing and I appreciate your concern.
Stone, it was good to hear from you...it's been a while.
And to all the rest, Anna, Zakari, Stubborn, RZ, Coffenut, Steamvessel, Hevyn, Thanks2HP, Deerwalk, TTOSBT, ElChupacabra, Pam, and Bumble...I wanted to acknowledge each of you for your time to leave your concerns and prayers. SR has always been a haven for me, always will. Just writing to you all and thanking you has uplifted my spirit. I seem to have forgotten that is what it is all about.
I bow to each and everyone of you and thank you again. I hope my HP returns soon.
peace,
Padraic
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