tampaguy

I am the boyfriend of an alcoholic. She has receintly started going to AA which is a good start. It has been so frustrating for me having to deal with this. We are not living together but talk several times during the day. If she has even one drink, I can tell when we talk on the phone. Her speech changes drastically. She always denies the fact that she is drinking. Last night she did it again and swore that she had not had anything to drink dispite slurring her words. When I was done with work, I went to the drug store and purchased a hand held breathalizer and told her I was doing so and coming over to her place. At first she told me not to come over, but I insisted and she said fine. I arrived and tested myself first and I was a 0.0. I then tested her and it was a .13. I repeated the test with the same results. She still denied drinking. I walked out becaused I couldn't deal with the lie. Today she says that she doesn't remember drinking and she doesn't know where she got the alcohol from and swears that is the truth. My question is... Has anyone ever experienced this? She wasn't "Drunk" when I arrived and her speech was clear by that time, but was certainly slurred earlier that night. I really need to know if it's possible to "black-out" before drinking and unconsciencely drink. I have never heard of anything like this and couldn't find any answers on the net. Any help would be apprecieated.

Jules62

Hi there,

Have you considered she may not have drunk that particular day-but if she has a problem it could well be that the alcohol was still in her system from the night before?It happens.

That aside-you cannot change her nor can you rescue her from this. It's great to care for her and offer her support-but I do have to say-if my husband had tried breathalysing me at any time when I was drinking?He'd be in the ER now.Not a very tactful way of dealing with it-even if I understand you're desperate.

All I can suggest to you is to perhaps try going to Al Anon meetings-they're a great support for people who are in relationships with alcoholics.

Jules.

tampaguy

Thanks Jules,

I have considered that and I was with her for the two days before last night 24/7. I know i can't rescue her, she has to do it by herself. I can deal with the bottle, just not the lies and i don't understand them. I should maybe go to a group that would help me deal with it, but to be honest, i am at my wits end and sick myself over this.

We lived together for a short period of time and that is when I relealized how serious the problem is. Money would come up missing, other things stolen and then receintly she admitted that she had been "a kept woman" by another man who had been giving her money to pay all her bills, when that is what I was doing. It's the lies that rip me apart and the fact that I don't ever think I could trust her again. At the same time, I feel a need to help. Am I going crazy or should I just move on?

TTOSBT

tampaguy,
Hi, I am an alcoholic, sober for a little over 4 months. I have been married 9 years as of today. I have lied thousands of times but never tried the I "don't remeber drinking" or "I don't know where I would have gotten it" BUT I have sworn up and down to my husband's face that I was not had not been drinking. Or swore I only had 2. It was always 2 glasses of wine. Anyway, the point was I was ashamed and embarrassed and panicked. I felt cornered and defensive. And lying about my drinking was a habit.

In fact, once I convinced him it must be the antidepressants I was taking to the point he called my doctor to find out what the hell these pills were. Oh boy, what a tangled web we weave. I am still embarrassed when I think of all the lying and hiding. But today if he asks me a question, I answer honestly, uncomfortable or not.

So, she is drinking and she knows it and she knows she is lying to you. Don't let it make YOU crazy, it is already making her crazy. I would not force it. I would just say, well I know you are and I really wish you knew that you can talk to me about it. I can deal with it but I can not deal with the lying. So when you are ready to be honest about it, I am here for you. And then drop it. But do not ignore it. Calmly address it and then wait. Your instincts are correct.

If she is anything like me, she will come to you when she is ready. By the way, this advice is me speaking from my experience. When I felt like my husband was mad at me, I would deny it until the cows came home . The night before I hit bottom, he very calmly asked if I had been drinking, I admitted it, he asked how much, I lied (I mean a normal person would faint if they knew how much I drank), but then he suggested that I might need to look at it. It was that moment that I admitted I had a problem and I needed help.

Good luck.

TTOSBT

I would also suggest Alanon, ESPECIALLY if you plan on staying in a relationship with her. You will need that support and those tools, even if she gets sober. She might be the most trustworthy person in the world sober, but on alcohol or drugs, you can not trust her as far as you can throw her.

tampaguy

Thank you Sooooooooo much for your reply. This is a very difficult situation and feel like I am loosing my sanity. Thank you again.

Jules62

Hey again tampaguy,

I'm so sorry-that's a hell of a lot to deal with but I do understand.I lied too.I didn't steal or cheat on my husband but it was only a matter of time.I'm sure it's breaking your heart.I feel for you.

DO please get support for YOU. I don't actually do A.A but I have nothing against it-and I strongly reccommend you get to an al anon meeting where you can meet other people who are in a similar situation to you.I don't envy you one bit.I know I caused my family a lot of pain through my drinking.I'm sorry you are going through this but good for you on asking for help.

I can't tell you whether to stay with her or go-that's ultimately your decision but please do seek out the companionship of others who will understand your situation better than I can.And keep posting here.check out our 'friends and family' forum here too-you'll find lots of other people going through the same thing there as well.

I wish you all the best,

Julesxox

kelsh

Hi,

My son called me from where he was living at the time to tell me he had been kicked out of where he was renting because of getting drunk & hurt one more time. He rode his bicycle into a fire hydrant with two cement pillars around it.

He had a big gash and had to have it stitched & stapled shut. He said he didn't know how he could have got drunk since he had no money left. I told him he didn't need to have money to get drunk if he had drinking buddies.

The cops took him to the Police Station & a friend came & took him to the ER.

Your girlfriend will come up with as many stories as the need presents itself. I have 20 years of sobriety and when someone wanted me to quit drinking...I would drink all the more. I even smelled of alcohol the next day when I went to work & people truly thought I had drank before work.

Nothing worked nor did I stay sober any length of time until I was ready to sober up and I finally did. Now my brother is doing the same thing...he quit drugs but is still drinking.....he says he is still detoxing, which he might be but he really needs a medical detox & then alcohol treatment again. He is 66 & I will be 68 in two weeks. My son did go to treatment several times & also to counseling for his depression but nothing worked so he tried suicide & now is a quadraplegic. He is 39 years old & back in the VA Hospital for more bed sores and has been in bed since last June trying to get them healed.

I am sure you have heard of the statement that alcohol is no respector of age, financial situation, home or not, job or not, marriage or not, or children or not.

It is hard to be the other half of a relationship that needs help to stop drinking. That is what Alanon is for and it has a high rate of the partner getting sober eventually when she/he is not able to be co-dependent anymore.

I wish you good luck. You did the right thing by coming here. Keep coming back and read, post, or just say Hi & how things are going. We care and want to help others with our experience, strength, & hope. :ghug3

kelsh

TTOSBT

I have to ask tampa. How old are you and gf? How long have you been dating? Is this someone that you see as a possible life partner?
I ask because I thought about you a lot last night and my husband and what he has gone through with me.
Whether she gets sober or not, this is a lifelong disease. She will be dealing with it in some way shape or form for the rest of her life. Is that something you want to have in your life for the rest of your life? If you are not even sure you want HER for the rest of your life, you certainly don't want the "ism" we all live with.

Anna

Hi and Welcome,

You've gotten good advice to take care of yourself and to try AlAnon.

I lied a lot when I was I drinking. It made me loathe myself even more, but I did it. Honesty has become a huge issue for me since I began recovery.

1963comet

Hello,

Just wanted to let you know that alcohol stays in your system 8 hours after you drink. I think this person must care about you to lie about the drinking. Maybe you can say that being honest is vital for you to stay.