dancinggirl

I can feel "it" in there...wanting to come out again. For some screwed up reason, I have in the back of my mind that I'm not going to be able to keep this up. I know I feel better sober...I know that I don't have fun while drinking...but for some sick reason, I WANT to!!!! What the hell?!! I'm so friggin' sick of this!!!

It seems to be coming easier for other people...and there are days where I think I can do this indefinitely, no problem...and then there are some days where I'm just like, "well, this won't last"...that I know I'll drink soon...within the next few weeks.

And there's no reason for it! I'm not sad...everything is going great...there's no friggin' reason for this! Why is it so hard to do something that makes my life easier?! Why is it so much of a darn EFFORT?!

Sorry...don't know where this is coming from today...but I'm struggling...

ruch

Hi Dancinggirl,

I don't know what's in the air today but I feel exactly the same way. I am very much considering drinking today. 35 days will go down the drain and I'm still leaning towards letting it happen.

dancinggirl

ruch: what the hell is WRONG with us?! lol We have such a good amount of time under our belts and share the same date. Deal time: I won't today if you won't. Although, I'm making kind of a false deal, 'cause I didn't intend to today...I just feel like it's coming soon...like there's no way I can keep this up. Maybe it's the novelty has worn off?

ruch

I've read alot of people mention how that when the really awful side effects of initially stopping wear off we then start feeling somewhat "normal" and then we conciously or sub-conciously start thinking we can drink again. The insane part for me is I don't wanna try and drink moderately. My intention is to buy a bottle and drink the whole dam thing. Insanity.

I am willing to make that deal with you. I will not drink today just so we can both see day 36 tomorrow. Thank you.

Jersey Nonny

Uh, huh...that's why the disease is described as cunning, baffling, powerful! That's why it requires constant vigilance to maintain sobriety. Are either of you attending regular AA meetings, and lots of them? I would highly recommend utilizing every bit of support possible!

Toomutch

Ruch and Dancinggirl - make the deal and don't drink today!

I think it is awesome you have oneanother to help each other out.

Hugs to both of you

Ananda

I never saw much point in moderation drinking....drinking can end up a permanent solution to a temporary problem.

The insanity yes....my first sign of the return of that insane thinking is when I just want to hole up by myself adn stay away from people.

Alone time is fine....in fact I really enjoy it....it's the fear thing that gets me in trouble.

I'm starting to understand that how I feel changes VERY rapidly...as long as I'm not feeding and trying to stay in one feeling.

Hang in there together guys!!!! and i'm with you too although I go to a meeting at noon.:ghug3

Honu

Interesting choice of words, dancing girl! "Lurking". What is "lurking", or better, WHO LURKS? My dictionary says, "To lie in wait, or concealment. Ambush." Well, only bad things/people [I]wait to ambush[I].

If you know you are getting ready to be ambushed, you get proactive to protect yourself from that bad thing/person....

Enough of that, it's good that you know that it is "lurking". You can see it there, and that, my friend, is PROGRESS. It's just evil trying to bring you DOWN. It would rather you be living defeated by the bottle than living without it. I read on here one time, "don't let your legacy be a struggle with alcohol." That hit me hard.

Stand up, say NO, get support, call someone, go for a walk, hug your animals/loved ones, get a pedicure, whatever you need to do to take care of yourself, and make yourself and your life more important than a stupid bottle. OK?

We're all here behind you! Reach out whenever you need, there's always someone here!

(And, that's for you, too, Ruch!)

Hugs,
Honu

ruch

I've gotten through up until now without meetings. But I have looked up available meetings this afternoon and am considering attending one.

Mill749

Hi I am Mill aged 39 and this is my second real stab at Sobriety after being drunk for a number of years after a lenghty period of sobriety. I have felt the same all day, the same old mind tricks telling me Its ok to drink, I will be fine and the cravings make me want drink all the more, I did for once though keep it simple today, I read a little of living sober, I did other things, I ate a sandwich, I registered on here and I found a meeting, its an inside job for me"My head is the problem"

Not sure if this helps but its one of things I ahve done in the past hours to alleviate the pain of craving, I now going for a shower and then to a meeting.

Cheers Mill

Jersey Nonny

Do me a favor, will you? Think of me sitting beside you at that meeting. I'm no longer able to attend them...and, I do miss the people/messages...wish I could be there with you!

ruch

I am certain i will eat like an animal today. It really is my best way of getting through these days. And I know I'm replacing one addiction with another but I'll take food over booze right now. The root of everything is built into my personality. Very addictive to lots of things......

Dancinggirl, thanks for this thread. I feel like it may have saved me today.

Honu

That's drunks helping out other drunks, and most of the time, we aren't even aware we're helping.

Shotgun prayers for you!!

Honu

dancinggirl

ruch: go to a meeting for the both of us, ok? I don't feel comfortable in them. No one will speak with me 'cause it's mainly men there...it's so hard getting anyone to watch my kids so i can go.....i've tried repeatedly to get a sponsor and no one will do it, etc., etc.. I think go to meetings make me feel worse, oddly enough! Plus the sheer amount of God in there...it's the only thing they talk about! They barely mention booze! I'm babbling....ruch, let me know that you've made it through today...i'll be checking in often.

colagirl

Hi you guys,
I just relapsed on Monday at day 35. Let me save you the trouble... it's still going to be exactly the same as before. At least for me it was. One drink led to many, one night led to five, and here I am today trying, once again, to find the resolve to try again.

I'm still proud of the 35 days (my longest ever), but I wish I didn't need to keep being reminded that the same thing will always happen if I pick up that first drink!

AW2486

Interesting thing you just said there.

Think about it..

rurdy2rk

It's been said before, but just worry about not drinking today. You can work on tomorrow's drinking urge when it comes. Hang in there, you will feel like crap if you throw away all your hard work.

By the way, I'm working on day 44 myself, and have felt the same feelings. They will come and go. We can do this together..

least

Never give up! Never give in! Keep trying! Keep getting back up and back on the wagon. One day at a time, eventually, you'll get where you want to be. It took me forever to get to where I am now, but I didn't think I'd ever get this far. I just kept trying, kept on getting back up. Never never give up!

:ghug

littlefish

Dancing girl, I think about that a lot. It is my fear too. That this sobriety is going to shatter like a mirror.
And, I was contemplating this the other day: everytime I break my sobriety, I can't understand it, because I am sober and feeling so great. What is the deal? Well, then I thought, I may be sober, but I am always going to be an alcoholic. It isn't the sober person who goes for that drink, it is the alcoholic.

I don't know if that made any sense, but maybe, as we grow stronger in sobriety, we get lulled into thinking the alcoholic is gone? And we let down our defenses and don't fight it with the same resolve that we do our first days without alcohol?

Dancinggirl, try to keep finding resources that work for you. I found a women's only 12-step group, so I hope you don't give up on AA just because you found a group that is male-dominated. There are all kinds of groups.
I hope you ride the storm out.

Jersey Nonny

WOW! I don't know where OUTSIDE of a bottle is located, but surely the meetings can't have changed that much in the few years since I've been away from them. Is it possible you may be temporarily afflicted with "selective listening"? I do wish, as littlefish suggested, that you try to find other meetings where you can feel comfortable.