Here I go again..Anyone have words of wisdom?
letting God take the wheel...
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Home is where the heart is-Colorado and Oregon
Posts: 100
Here I go again..Anyone have words of wisdom?
So Sobriety or bust! Thats the plan...I am 25 yrs old, and was sober from alchohol for three months last november...My decision to stop was set into action after a night of serious drinking that led to a blackout..this blackout was the last straw for me..I simply couldnt take the anxiety and depression that came with the obsessive thoughts of what was I not remembering from the previous night...Anywas somehow since then I have slowly started back on that drinking wagon,a few here and there and although I have refrained from getting drunk especially to the point of blackout I still get anxious and depressed and obsess over that last night back in November....I need help figuring out how to forgive myself for ever drinking again..and letting go of those horrible fears I cant seem to release from my past and all the nights I fear the "un known"...I literally drive myself crazy and get sick to my stomach worrying about all of the stupid decisions I probably made throughout my several blackout episodes...has anyone else beat themselves up this much like I do? Do I need meds or something? Sometimes I just want to shut off my brain because I cant take my rediculous over annalyzation..I often wonder if I have anxiety disorders and myabe this obsession with fixating on these unknown blackouts gives me something to be anxious about? Is that possible?Tell me I am not crazy or alone...HELP!!!!
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,518
Yes!! I beat myself up that much. And, you know what, it stopped me from getting better. It kept taking me back to alcohol over and over again.
I don't know if you need meds. Your dr will let you know about that. It could be that the depression will lift when you get sober.
My anxiety is still with me, but it is much better and more manageable since I have stopped drinking. I also had obsessive thoughts when I was drinking. Alcoholism is a disease of obsession and compulsion and the obsessive thoughts ran wild in my mind when I was drinking. That has also improved enormously.
Forgiving yourself is something that you can do for yourself. It means you can leave the burdens of what you've done, and move forward without the load. Journalling is a great way to deal with the kinds of things you're talking about. I journalled, reluctantly, because I didn't want to see the words written in black and white. I just kept writing for months and months and then eventually burned the journal.
I don't know if you need meds. Your dr will let you know about that. It could be that the depression will lift when you get sober.
My anxiety is still with me, but it is much better and more manageable since I have stopped drinking. I also had obsessive thoughts when I was drinking. Alcoholism is a disease of obsession and compulsion and the obsessive thoughts ran wild in my mind when I was drinking. That has also improved enormously.
Forgiving yourself is something that you can do for yourself. It means you can leave the burdens of what you've done, and move forward without the load. Journalling is a great way to deal with the kinds of things you're talking about. I journalled, reluctantly, because I didn't want to see the words written in black and white. I just kept writing for months and months and then eventually burned the journal.
Life is Grand
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Michigan
Posts: 2,041
You bet I beat myself up...I was told early in my sobriety.."Guilt Kills" Being able to forgive yourself is very important...not always easy...but crucial! We can't change yesterday, no matter how hard we try. Please be gentle with yourself, look forward and be hopeful..
Cathy
Cathy
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,787
I think we all tend to beat ourselves up at some point or another and to some degree or another. Some of us have sent ourselves to the 'mental ER' over the inner bruises. I can't say about crazy as I often feel that I am crazy so my perception of others may be colored with my own craziness.
Yes, do see your doctor and ask if s/he could refer you to a counselor, psychologist, or shrink. I can't say if your bad feelings came before or after your alcoholism, I felt like sh!t for a long time before I started "tranquillizing" with booze. Of course the alcohol made it a lot worse, but the bad feelings or inadequacy were always there. Now that I'm 15 days sober I'm starting to feel better and worse - both at the same time. Better cause now I'm sober and more clear headed, but worse cause now I have to look at the demons that were torturing me. Ouch.
Please consider AA or another program of recovery. And do talk with your doctor. Stay safe when you detox from alcohol.
I wish the best in your efforts to get sober again.
:ghug3
Yes, do see your doctor and ask if s/he could refer you to a counselor, psychologist, or shrink. I can't say if your bad feelings came before or after your alcoholism, I felt like sh!t for a long time before I started "tranquillizing" with booze. Of course the alcohol made it a lot worse, but the bad feelings or inadequacy were always there. Now that I'm 15 days sober I'm starting to feel better and worse - both at the same time. Better cause now I'm sober and more clear headed, but worse cause now I have to look at the demons that were torturing me. Ouch.
Please consider AA or another program of recovery. And do talk with your doctor. Stay safe when you detox from alcohol.
I wish the best in your efforts to get sober again.
:ghug3
Perfectly Flawed
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Republic of Yorkshire
Posts: 481
Hey bud,you ain't alone.
Blackouts come with the territory eventually. I remember those mornings when I would return to consciousness staring at my sleeping Girlfriends back having no clue whether we'd had a pleasant if slurry evening watching the box, or argued furiously and pointlessly into the night and I'd spat spiteful random vitriol I'd regret for months after. Those days are a long time ago now (mainly cos my drinking amongst other things damned us) but they could return at the drop of a hat and another co-dependant relationship. Blackouts are the worst feeling, especially those unconnected fragments that you know add up to something REALLY BAD.
You have my whole hearted sympathies.
Remember also that alcohol is ultimately a powerful depressant, despite the preliminary euphoria. Eventually it grinds ya down, and you're only drinking for a couple of hours of 'Not giving a shitness'.
Overthinking and analysis paralysis also arrive as part of the package,many drinkers have sat beating their already battered self esteem on the neurotic spaceship (or armchair to normal folks!)
Your doctor could tell you if you need meds,if you feel confident enough to explain your problems to him/her,nobody else should advise you to take meds.
I do know that the further you get from your last drink,the better you feel.(I'm no expert,my longest period of sobriety was 6 mths,I'm not the brightest of sparks, I get to a point of thinking,"It'll be different this time" Overconfidence. It never is.
And finally,as for obsessions, I'm 28 days sober and having found soberrecovery yesterday I've been on it since,pausing only for 5 hrs restless sleep. But thats my racing, sober brain for you. I'm told it'll calm down(?)
Go easy on yourself,have a look around all the forums, there's some great folk out there...
Take care LouLou, so many of us have been there
Blackouts come with the territory eventually. I remember those mornings when I would return to consciousness staring at my sleeping Girlfriends back having no clue whether we'd had a pleasant if slurry evening watching the box, or argued furiously and pointlessly into the night and I'd spat spiteful random vitriol I'd regret for months after. Those days are a long time ago now (mainly cos my drinking amongst other things damned us) but they could return at the drop of a hat and another co-dependant relationship. Blackouts are the worst feeling, especially those unconnected fragments that you know add up to something REALLY BAD.
You have my whole hearted sympathies.
Remember also that alcohol is ultimately a powerful depressant, despite the preliminary euphoria. Eventually it grinds ya down, and you're only drinking for a couple of hours of 'Not giving a shitness'.
Overthinking and analysis paralysis also arrive as part of the package,many drinkers have sat beating their already battered self esteem on the neurotic spaceship (or armchair to normal folks!)
Your doctor could tell you if you need meds,if you feel confident enough to explain your problems to him/her,nobody else should advise you to take meds.
I do know that the further you get from your last drink,the better you feel.(I'm no expert,my longest period of sobriety was 6 mths,I'm not the brightest of sparks, I get to a point of thinking,"It'll be different this time" Overconfidence. It never is.
And finally,as for obsessions, I'm 28 days sober and having found soberrecovery yesterday I've been on it since,pausing only for 5 hrs restless sleep. But thats my racing, sober brain for you. I'm told it'll calm down(?)
Go easy on yourself,have a look around all the forums, there's some great folk out there...
Take care LouLou, so many of us have been there
letting God take the wheel...
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Home is where the heart is-Colorado and Oregon
Posts: 100
WOW! Thanks to all for the support..I am so glad that I found this site 
I look forward to all of our sobriety..( CROSSING FINGERS)And again I really appreciate all of the well wishes and wisdom, I do feel less alone and nutso than I did an hour ago xoxo
I look forward to all of our sobriety..( CROSSING FINGERS)And again I really appreciate all of the well wishes and wisdom, I do feel less alone and nutso than I did an hour ago xoxo
Seriously Fun!
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: California coast
Posts: 415
I know the vicious cycle well.
Drinking to calm down Anxiety.
Anxiety caused by Drinking.
and around and around we go.
For me, I had to clear out my physical addiction first. Get sober and stay sober for at least 30 days (or more) and then work with a recovery psychiatrist to let the anti-anxiety meds work. And practice meditation and relaxation 15 to 30 minutes a day.
Now I have Freedom from drinking and drugging. And Peace with doctor supervised medication. Win, Win.
And doing the 12-steps to learn how to deal with all the rainbow of emotions we have.
Good luck to you.
Many recovery specialist realize that many of us are duel diagnosis.
Drinking to calm down Anxiety.
Anxiety caused by Drinking.
and around and around we go.
For me, I had to clear out my physical addiction first. Get sober and stay sober for at least 30 days (or more) and then work with a recovery psychiatrist to let the anti-anxiety meds work. And practice meditation and relaxation 15 to 30 minutes a day.
Now I have Freedom from drinking and drugging. And Peace with doctor supervised medication. Win, Win.
And doing the 12-steps to learn how to deal with all the rainbow of emotions we have.
Good luck to you.
Many recovery specialist realize that many of us are duel diagnosis.
...Welcome to SR!
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